Spoiler: Spoiler

It's a spoiler 

I know what you’re thinking, that I’m an insensitive immature kid who just died and has no perception of reality anymore. That statement is probably like 50% true. I mean you think getting stabbed by a pumpkin is worse? Imagine meeting a sarcastic teenage girl that’s your only hope of escape from this mental institute. Sure I was in shock, but I knew what was really going on. I was either in some sort of weird hospital or I was somewhere that a 13 year old kid should not be. Sure I was acting clueless, but it was a ruse.

“What’s up Jeffrey? My man? Sooo… um where are we exactly?” I asked politely.

“That’s what you’re gonna ask him, seriously?” Valerie glared at me in disgust.

“Now, now children, let's not tear each other apart. At least let me tell where you are.” said Jeffrey-Whoever, taking no notice of Valerie’s comment. “This place is a metaphysical reality, the beyond of human capacity, a marvel of existence. Young sir, you should not be asking where we are but how we are here. This contains nothing but the mortal soul of life. I would- ”

“Okay stop saying complicated mumbo-jumbo. Where the hell are we sir,” Valerie says cutting him off.

“You’re dead and this is the Afturlife. It’s rude to talk back you know, Valerie Desmarais,” Mr. David replies looking a bit annoyed at Valerie.

“Ok, great, so we’re dead and in the Afterlife. Is this Heaven or Hell?” Valerie shoots back.

“Ah ha ha ha! Kids these days! Listen this place defies human knowledge right? But it’s not heaven or hell. The close-minded come here and see it as heaven, the criminals as hell… if you’re religious that is. This places- we think- only makes sense to you if you have the perception to think outside the box. Religious folks come here and see whatever they want to see, after all they are dead and technically they’re minds can’t even acknowledge this place. However, everyone knows this is the Afturlife. Please spell it with an “U”. The businesses would sue us if we named it with an “E”. Anyways, did you get all that?”

“No,” Valerie and I both say in unison.

Valerie looks and me and suddenly says, “Oops I have to tie my shoe! You guys go on ahead. Jake can watch over me in case I escape. HAHAHA!” She laughs like it’s funniest thing she’s ever heard. I look at her interestedly.

“Ughh. Fine. I’ll stay and make sure the baby doesn’t crawl away.” I snicker. “Just kidding Val. Can I call you Val?”

She glares at me, “Only my family and close friends call me Val. So… no.” Than she bends down and slowly starts to tie her shoe.

Mr. David and the big-mustached guy both shrug and start to walk away. I continue to stare curiously at Val. What is she up up to?

“Well don’t just stand there Jake. C’mon, bend down onto your knee and pretend you’re tying your shoe too.” Valerie mutters. I bend down and poke at my shoelace.

“This is some grade-A weird-class shit, Jacob,” She whispers into my ear, startling me. “What should we do to escape?”

I stare at her, dumbfounded. “Umm, well,” I stutter. “I wasn’t really thinking of escape, but now that you’re thinking of it I guess we should. And shit is a bad word.”

“You just said it yourself Jake. So cut the crap.”

“I-I… we’re getting off task here! I mean I guess we just wait for the right moment. But don’t you think we are dead?” I ask.

She sighs and looks directly into my eyes, “Jake, what other choice do you have right now? As for what I think? I think we’re gonna bust the heck outta here. And you’re gonna help me. Do you think it’s just a coincidence that we both landed here. I mean we live near each other! Two kids dying on the same day at the same time is crazy? I plan to find out. It’s up to you to make a choice, stick with me or survive in this place.”

“Let’s just catch up to Mr. David. I want to consider all my options before escaping,” I reply as diplomatically as I can. This girl was starting to annoy me.

We both got up and caught up to Big-Mustache-Man and Mr. David. They were mingling next to a room called Registration.

“So… um, I never got your name mister,” I asked Big-Mustache-Man nonchalantly like nothing had happened.

Big-Mustache-Man looked at me in surprise, like he just realized I existed. He than shook his head and muttered, “Stanley. My name is Stanley.”

“That’s great! So Mr. David what do we do next?” I said cheerfully.

Mr. David smiled, “Son, there’s no need to call me Mister, just call me Jeff. I’m glad you’re taking this all in stride. I know dealing with this stuff is hard. As for next? I want you to follow me Jake. I can tell you’re an excellent young man with a bright future here.”

I gulped worriedly and exchanged looks at Valerie. Valerie looked at me and then quickly asked, “What about me?”

“Oh letsee… you can go with Stanley! Valerie, I want you to get comfortable and Stanley will show where your accommodations will be. I’m sure you’ll see Jake soon, okay?” he said with too much enthusiasm, then whispered something to Stanley. Something was definitely going on.

“Hold up hold up. What’s going on? I want answers people. So, Jeff I want you to explain everything that’s going on okay?” Valerie sweetly asked with a fake grin.

Jeffery sighed, “Did you not even listen to my extremely well written and practiced 5 steps to realizing your dead speech?” Jeffrey asked.

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“Nope, but I listened to Stanley’s speech, and boy let me tell you, that was some convincing B.S,” Valerie snorted.

Jeffrey rolled his eyes.

“Hey wait? Did you just roll your eyes at me?”

Jeffrey sighed, “Listen kids, since your minors, you technically can’t go willy-nilly all over the Afturlife. And… especially at this, ahem, particular time. Y’see, recent events have caused some panic over the Afrturlife.”

I suddenly became intrigued. And also worried. “So what’s been going on? Something easy-going and friendly like, oh I don’t know, a 50% discount on bacon? Are we going to be eternally happy or something? Or something worse like-” Jeffrey cut me off in the middle of my sentence. His confidence seemed to sag as he explained, “The president of the Afturlife, the man who lead all five realms of the Afturlife… was… was…”

“Tortured with vegan bacon? What! What! Tell us man!” I said, exasperated, and also hungry from all the talk about bacon.

“Assassinated.”

“‘Kay, that’s, well that’s, umm,” a bit unexpected…

“Hey wait, I have a question.” Said Valerie “How is a dead guy dead or is he not dead?”

“Well that’s the thing isn’t it? There’s been rumors about people mysteriously disappearing into some sort of unknown place. Some people call it the abyss, some call it the Black Hole, and some folks say that it’s a 100 to 500 foot toilet bowl of pure cyanide alcamidium called Tubby. Well, actually nobody calls it the latter one, I just made it up. You get the point.

Suddenly Jeffrey stopped chattering, I looked up to see a huge building with many layers. It was by far the largest building we had seen yet. People flowed in and out of the huge towering doors and the noise of people talking and discussing could be heard from where we were about 100 feet away (Sorry anyone who uses the metric system, anyone not American *cough* Valerie * cough* Canadians *cough*). Why am I coughing in my brain?

“Kind of leaves you awed, eh?” commented Jeffery “This is the Dumb Realm senate house, each realm has one it is essentially the heart of each realm.

We walked up to the crowd of people and attempted to force our way through, surprisingly the large sight of Jeffery seemed to make most people move out of our way and we quickly made it to the front door. We entered into a spacious white room adorned with colors of red and yellow. Jefferey led us to a long desk across the left side of the room, the desk had many receptionists talking, writing, reading, and generally just working.

“Heeeeey Linda---,” started Jeffery.

“Bug off,” said a tall caucasian woman who I assumed was Linda.

“Aw, don’t sweat Linda. I actually have an excuse for coming here this time,” Jeffery tried to explain, “these kids here…”

“Huh?” Linda looked up and flashed us a smile, “Oh hi kids! My name is Linda, I hope Jeffery has been treating you okay.” she said as she glared at him as if he was psycho child murderer.

“Um, yeah! We just got here!” I spoke up.

“Oh newcomers!” Linda squealed. “Cool beans! Can have you names and way of death please?”

“Valerie Desmarais and way of death? I got killed by an ambulance while texting.” Valerie said smoothly.

“Oh, why are you here?”

“What do you mean?”

“Oh well usually when people come here they have died in some pretty dumb ways, for instance I died when I stuck my hand in a spinning blender.”

What kind of psycho sticks their hand in a blender that's turned on? I mean it's obviously stupider than getting stabbed by a pumpkin I thought.

“Okayyy… well, my name is Jake Peterson and I was stabbed by a pumpkin,” I said, just trying to change the subject.

“Oh well first let me put Valerie's death into the rating machine.”

“What do you mean rating machine? You rate people's deaths?”

“Of course we do! We're not anti social savages who have no need of an extreme social ladder.” I stared at her blankly. Meanwhile Valerie looked at Linda with her best you're-serious-bro expression.

“I'm just kidding silly, really it's simple your death is rated on a scale of 1 - 10 on how stupid or ironic etc. it is.”

“But how can the machine rate a death if it doesn't even know the whole story?” asked Valerie philosophically.

“Oh the rating machine analyzes the energy that comes from your entrance into the afturlife and collects the data and puts together a rating. Crazy huh? Anyways Valerie your rating is a 4.2.”

“Aw why’s mine so low?”

“I don't know but I want to check Jake’s death, it sounded pretty stupid.”

“Fine,” Valerie huffed, “I didn't want a stupid death anyways.”

At that point Linda stopped and then subsequently yelped, “Ahhhhhh!! Oh-my- gosh!!! Your rating is so high! It's a like a 9.8!” She exclaimed excitedly and turned her computer screen to face us.

“Why is his so high? All he did was get stabbed by a pumpkin!” Valerie grumbled.

Linda raised her eyebrows, “Have you ever heard of a person getting stabbed by a pumpkin? A pumpkin! A pumpkin that you make into pie and carve into jack o’ lanterns? I mean that’s just STUPID! Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!”

My face was flushed with embarrassment. I mean it was like 30 minutes into my afterlife and I was being publically humiliated.

Linda noticed my tomato-red face. “Oh, don’t be embarrassed. We’ve all died stupidly in one way or another. Everyone you come across here has probably died in a totally humiliating way. So you should be proud!” she said considerately.

“Yeah, proud. Those are the emotions going through my head. I just died and have severed every connection to the outside world, but nooooo. Some lady I’ve never met says I should be proud that I got stabbed by a pumpkin!” I scoffed at my own acceptance of this. Here I was in a supposed “Afturlife” with the annoying girl from across the street talking to two middle-aged people in business suits and a big-mustached guy named Stanley. I was starting to agree with Valerie, maybe we should try and escape.