Hmmm… I’m not sure how to describe the sensation of dying. However it sucks. Whenever people have a heart attack or come close to death they always come back with a tale like, ‘I saw a bright, white light, or I heard the voice of an angel, or the call of heaven was upon my great soul!’ I, on the other hand, actually died. The pain was excruciating, but there was also a calm presence, like I was just giving in to the laws of nature. Imagine falling asleep, but falling asleep because fire ants are crawling over your skin and there is nothing better to do than get out of the present and into some other perfect reality. I slowly came into consciousness to the call of heaven. Ahhhh. Bliss… heaven was calling to me. Wait.

Suddenly, I... AHHHHHHHHH! I DIED! I DIED! AHHHHHHHH! Oh and for you information it was not a shrill little girl scream it was a very mature screaming unlike some people who’s name start with J and end with an E *cough*. Wait a second… if I died where am I? I look around realizing I was to preoccupied with myself dying (a very important topic by the way) to even glance at my surroundings. I was in… I was… I had no idea. My eyesight was still really blurry and everything was unfocused. However I could make out the image of walls surrounding me.

“VALERIE DESMARAIS!!!” a booming voice yelled out.

I decided my only option was to repent, “Lord Jesus… I know I am not religious, but please!!!! I have been good… mostly. I have led a honest life. Umm, so yeah… am I in heaven?”

“YOU, ARE IN … HELL!!!…” the same booming voice called out.

“Great. I assume you're not an angel than. Well, uh, so um, can I like go back to the land of the living now?” I still couldn’t really see, though my eyesight was clearing a little.

“You misunderstand me ma’am, you are dead… forever. You are currently in the Helvetica Government Transaction Building A. It’s called the Hell building because the workers get paid minimum wage ”

“Clearly you don’t understand sarcasm,” I said sarcastically. “I just want to- UOOOAAHH!!” In front of me was a hulking man with a huge mustache, and muscles that could have their own gravitational pull. “Don’t worry this is the Afturlife, the place where you are dead now. Hi, I’m Stanley and I’ll be your Greeter today. Tips would be greatly appreciated!”

I quickly got up on my feet, “What!”

He frowned, “I’m sorry, but I just need the money right now… you know? I… I… didn’t want to be poor or anything, I mean… sniff, sniff.”

“Listen Man, I didn’t mean to offend you or anything, but I have no idea what’s going on. A.) I was just eating a peanut butter cup while posting on Snapchat when some big ol’ ambulance comes up behind me and supposedly kills me!!! And B.) You’re saying that there’s some place called the Afterlife that people go to when they’re dead! Oh yeah and C.) I’m getting the hell out of this place!!!! What the heck is this place? A mental institute?? A secret government lab??? A McDonalds???? The Illuminati????? Am I in Antarctica???????”

“Wait, miss!!” Stanley calls out. I don’t answer because I’m already gone.

I step out of the small box into a larger room with rows of boxes each made with glass, people could be seen stepping out of their boxes. Each seemed to be in various after death stages, such as mental shock, grave acceptance, joyousness at not being dead, and stupefied oafs grinning weirdly. Oddly I didn’t feel like I fell into either of these categories. I really just felt like, well… I well… um I wanted my peanut butter cup, honestly.

“Miss! Will you please hold it!!” Just calm down… Stanley yells after me, “I have to take you on the orientation tour.”

I didn’t listen. Really if you had died you would also not listen, who was I to believe him saying I was dead. I could talk. I could breathe. I could breathe! Ha ha! Yes! I could URK! not breathe… I had been head locked by someone! ‘Desperate times call for desperate measures’ I thought heroically. ‘Come on punk, try and put me down!’

I tried to struggle and then managed to throw a hero-like knockout punch. I missed by 2 feet and fell onto the guy’s knee. My lungs screamed for air.

“Ehhh…” I said heroically to whoever put me in a headlock.

“Stop struggling kid. I want you to stay calm, we are taking you to a transitional medical facility. If you struggle, it will only make things worse.” an infuriatingly bored voice said.

I was released from the headlock and started gasping for air like a fish out of water. I tripped on the person’s shoe and started flopping around. I turned around angrily to find that my captor was a middle aged man dressed in a sharp black suit and dark sunglasses.

“Dumb Realm Authority and Policing Service. Also known as D.R.A.P.S.” The man said holding out a badge. “My name is Anthony Vargos. Let me guess you just died, correct?”

“Um, well I thought I did, but I obviously can't be dead because um… uh I'm breathing right?” I said quickly. My head was like a blender my thoughts and brain were so scrambled I couldn't remember what I had for breakfast.

“Ok, let me give you a run down, this is the Afturlife the realm that people come to after death. It's ok to be shocked most people are, just come back and let your guide give you a tour and maybe that will help. Usually people want to breathe when they first come in, it’s a human reflex. However try holding your breathe,” Anthony sternly said while taking off his glasses and cleaning them.

This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.

I thought for a minute, maybe I was dead. I took a deep breath and held it in. After thirty seconds I was gasping for air, “Well I- huh uh huh” I stopped to take a breath. “Well I can definitely hold my breath for long periods of time, but eventually I would still have to take a breath.”

“Yep, that’s how it works. Your body is basically dead, but it will take awhile to get used to the conditions here. Don’t worry, try some breathing exercises and eventually you won’t have to breath,” Anthony replies, he looks me in the eye and gives me a sincere smile. “Look, I know it’s hard, especially for a youngster like you. If you need any help just talk to me or anybody here. We’ve all been through what you’re going through.”

I look at him in surprise. Slowly, I start to grin, “Thanks, man.”

He looks at me sympathetically and says, “Oh looks like your guide is back. Over here Stanley!”

Stanley comes jogging over. “Hey, there not gonna run off again are you…” gasped Stanley. “I'm getting too old for this.”

“Um, can I just lie down somewhere? I need to clear my head. You know, ‘cause I’m dead,” I say, back to my old self.

“Sure kid,” replied Stanley. “Just follow me. Oh and thanks again Anthony for the help.”

“It's fine just my job.” said Anthony looking around bored again. He walks away toward a big building labeled, SECURITY.

I followed Stanley into a squat gray building with a sign labeling it the general infirmary.

“You know I'm not like criminally insane right?” I said nervously.

“Yeah, yeah most people aren’t so crazy but no one isn't surprised when they first come here. This is just a great place to have some peace and quiet.”

“Listen, I don't want any trouble just show me the way back to ya know, wherever real civilization is.”

Stanley looks me at matter-of-factly states, “Listen Val. Can I call you Val?”

“Hell no! Who are you my mother? And how did you know my name?”

“Val, here at the Afturlife Working Force Organization for the Needy Or Not Empowered (A.W.F.O N.O.N.E for short) we have a thing that us workers experience a lot. Here look at this informational pamphlet. There’s a page in it, It’s called the 5 stages of realizing you’re dead. Step 1: What you’re currently going through, denial and expressing disbelief through violence. Step 2: The three R’s, Realization, Resistance, and Reminiscence. Step 3: Frustration and Anger. Step 4: A lot of crying. And Finally Step 5: You will probably think that you’re dreaming and start the whole process over again.”

“OH MY GAWD!!! I am dead! No I can’t be dead and can’t be DEAD you infernal monster named Stanley!!! Ohhhh… I miss my Mom and Dad and Dog and McDonalds, and my Iphone… I wish I was not DEAD!!!” I sobbed.

“See already you’ve completed Step 2!”  

I sighed. I really missed the nagging ways of my Mother and the brooding ways of my Father and the barking ways of my Dog (Her name was Kiwi II you don’t want to know what happened to Kiwi I). Instinctively I checked my pocket for my Iphone. Hey wait a minute! I still had my Iphone!!

“Hey Stanley! I still have my Iphone!” I shouted gleefully.

“What! No way!”

“Yes way! I didn’t know items transferred  into the afterlife?!”

“Hmmmm… items only transfer over if the user has it on them during death and only if the user has a significant attachment with it, as in they can’t survive without the item,” Stanley replies thoughtfully while stroking his mustache. “However there is work to be done. We shall talk of this at a later time.”

“But my-”

“So now that we're done with that take a seat I'll go grab a friend he'll help you out he's good with people.” he said smiling.

I took a seat on the gray benches out in the lounge, the only other “patients” were an elderly woman sitting on the end of the bench towards a blue trash can (Aren't trash cans supposed to be grey too? Like everything else in this stupid place?!? Recycling cans are blue! Oh sorry I got off topic) and a tired looking mother with a rather energetic looking 4 year old. I was about to take out my iPhone when suddenly.

“So how did you die?”  

“Ahhhhhh!” I yelped I turned around and saw a skinny boy staring at me. “What the… wait what who are oh…. wait a minute don't you live down the street from me?”

“Yeah I just died too.” Said a kid with curly light brown hair. “And yes I do live down the street the name’s Jake, pleased to to finally meet your acquaintance.” He said in a sarcastic tone. He reached out to shake my hand.

“HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM YOU JUST DIED!?!?” I spat in his face slapping away his hand. Everyone consequently turned around and started staring at me. “Um sorry I meant hi! How are you so calm?”

“Oh I didn't really expect it but for me anything goes really. I just read my informational pamphlet it's the one you're holding.”

I look down at my lap and look at the pamphlet Stanley gave me just a moment ago, it's labeled Dealing with your self issues and the fact that you just died! by Robert N. Wilson.

“Look, it even has a yellow smiley face sticker!” Jake pointed out helpfully (that's sarcasm guys).

I threw it in the trash can, well technically I missed and hit the old lady in the leg causing her to glare at me but I got close that's what counts right?

“So how did you die?” He reiterated.

“Oh I got run over by an ambulance.” I replied very calmly, although inside I was screaming HELP!!!!!

“Oh what a coincidence! The ambulance was probably trying to save me, I fell off a toilet and was stabbed by a plastic pumpkin.”

“Uh, okaaay,” I said, “well that's wonderful.” I was not really paying attention but then, I connected the dots! “Ahhhhh I knew it! This is all a secret ploy for Russia to steal kids by framing their deaths and taking them to a secret facility where everything is grey except for the blue wastebaskets!!!!!”

“Seriously calm down. I'm not dumb and it's not that bad at least were still um wherever we are.” He said trying to get me stop yelling.

“Not helping potato head.” I said gritting my teeth.

Jake started laughing “That's really your best insult? Potato head?” He kept laughing.

I was about to give him a good one right to the face when Stanley came back with an elderly gentleman.

The old guy smiles and walks up to us, “Hey kids I’m Jeffery David the head of Greeting Services and Public Relations.  Call me Mr. David. Let’s take a tour, shall we?”