I have this amazing idea. Cleaning services for samurai. Have you ever seen how messy they look after coming back from a fight? I bet they’d pay an arm and leg if I found a solution that removed antithesis goop.

You're a crazy man, most of them can just magic their shit clean with points!

-A drunken discussion at 4AM

—

When I stepped out of the building, Skyler immediately started ranting. “Why didn’t you follow the others? Were you trying to be a hero? That was one of the most stupid irresponsible…” her words died in her throat when I stepped into the light of the APC.

I was a complete mess. My entire right side was completely covered in antithesis goo. I had considered trying to clear it off, even going so far as to ask Artymis for some options. Unfortunately, most of the fastest options either required a device that I could put down or would destroy all the fifth, including the stuff that had soaked into my clothes. Not great for their integrity.

When she told me that, I decided I’d get back to the APC first, clean up second. “I’m fine,” I told her as I came in for a hug. She didn’t hesitate, nearly crushing my ribs with her hug.

“Don’t you dare do something like that again,” she whispered.

“I won’t, I promise,” I replied softly as I embraced her. “I learned my lesson.”

“You better have,” she sniffed as we pulled away. I noticed her long coat now had a large green smear down one side now. It just reminded me how filthy I actually must be.

“I think I should probably clean up before heading inside,” I told her. “I’m uhhh… dripping.” As if to emphasize what I was saying, a particularly large gob of Fourteen brain slipped off my sleeve and splattered on the street.

Skyler looked down at the filth, finally noticed the stain on her jacket, then looked up and gave me a pained smile. “Take your time. I’ll go let the others know you’re back and tell Emily to plot us a route out of the district. That is, unless you changed your mind?”

“Fuck no,” I grumbled. “We’ve been doing this for so long that the sun has gone down. My arms hurt, my sword is out of juice, and I’m covered in antithesis brains. I think we deserve a break.”

Skyler frowned. “Covered me in brains? That’s gross, Reina.”

“They’re mostly melted by the enzyme,” I told her. “Besides, you’re the one that hugged me.”

She pouted slightly and used the sleeve of her coat to wipe the worst of the mess off the jacket before taking off the kitten, shucking her jacket, and tossing it in my direction. “I’m going inside now. Please clean this while you're hosing yourself off,” she said while cuddling the cat carrier.

“Yes, ma’am,” I replied with a small smile.

As soon as Skyler stepped around the back of the vehicle, I pulled up my augs.

[So, Artymis, what can I buy to get this shit off? I’d prefer an option that leaves my skin, clothes, and hair intact.]

That shouldn’t be a problem. I have several billion options available and hundreds of thousands of catalogs, but if you want something simple, I can provide a tank of water mixed with a cleaning solution. It’s not only ideal for removing antithesis gunk, but it’s good for the hair and skin.

[You recommend a shower?]

Although it’s not the most efficient way, it is the most cost-effective. Since everything I listed would be considered Tier 0, or available to humans, you wouldn’t have to unlock any additional catalogs. Plus, you like having showers. It’ll only cost you three points, and I can even set the temperature to whatever you want.

The tale has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the violation.

[I don’t like them when I’m in the middle of an antithesis incursion, while wearing clothes.]

Well, if you want a combination of efficiency and effectiveness, the next best option would probably be opening the Unconventional Cleaning Methods catalog for twenty points and the ultrasonic cleaner for another ten.

[Why is the catalog so cheap? My last one was three hundred?]

The more expansive and popular a catalog is, the more expensive it is. This one is relatively focused.

[Fine. I’ll try the ultrasonic as long as it’s quick and effective.]

Hold out your hand.

I did as I was told, and something popped into my hand. It looked like one of those old school hand scanners they used in retro stores, but instead of a barcode reader, there was some sort of speaker setup.

I first pointed it at the stain on Skyler’s long coat. As I passed the cleaning head over the stain, the dried goop just seemed to practically jump off the jacket. I did a single pass over the jacket then shook it, letting the mess fall into a pile of dust. Once I was confident it wasn’t going to destroy my clothes, I passed it experimentally over the tips of my fingers. They tingled pleasantly, and the gunk melted away.

Now that I was convinced by the cleaner’s effectiveness, I started slowly passing it up and down my arm, slowly causing the junk to fall away. It took a few passes and quite a lot of finagling to aim at the crap on my back, but once I was done, I felt much better.

When I finally stepped around the end of the APC, Bulldog stood up and shot me a massive grin. “You really killed that thing with nothing but your sword? Damn lady, you got guts.”

“I didn’t exactly have much of a choice. It probably would have crushed us all if I followed you out,” I explained with a shrug. “Honestly though, Skyler deserves all the credit. She killed the Seventeen, which caused the Fourteen to have some sort of fit. Probably wouldn’t have been able to take it otherwise.”

“Whatever you say,” he replied with a lopsided grin. “I say you still deserve props, since I’ve never seen one of those things killed by anything less than the main cannon of a Leopard IV tank. The mere fact you stepped away is saying something.”

I sighed. “If you say so. Maybe I’m just too tired to appreciate it, or maybe after experiencing so many life-threatening experiences today I’m a little numb to it right now. Maybe it’ll sink in later.”

“Maybe,” Bulldog replied. He gestured to the front of the vehicle, where Skyler and Emily were discussing something. “You should head inside, they’re waiting for you.”

I nodded my thanks before stepping past Bulldog and squeezing past Howie. “It’ll probably be a rough trip, but we’ll make it,” Emily was saying.

“Rough trip? What’s going on?” I asked as I stepped up behind Skyler and carefully laid her jacket across her shoulders. Lala, cradled in Skyler’s arm, started mewing and struggled to get closer to me. I reached over and gave her a good scritch behind the ears until she settled down. Maybe it was all the antithesis junk I’d been covered with that she’d hated, and not me? That was actually a little comforting.

“The main incursion is done, and all the portals have closed, but that also means that the antithesis have had time to spill out of the red and orange zones into the rest of the sector. Apparently this has been a particularly rough incursion, and it’s going to take a lot of time to clean up,” Emily explained. “Plus, there are some pretty nasty models loose on the street.”

“Don’t tell me we’re locked in,” I moaned.

“We’re not,” Emily said. “Command deployed the armor battalions and reserve PMCs to start clearing from the west gate. It’ll just be a little rough getting there. The tanks have already reported engaging both Twelves and Fourteens in the area.”

“We kind of expected that though, didn’t we? We’ve already encountered both today,” Skyler reminded her.

“We did, but it’s odd to encounter them outside the orange zone. The fact that they’ve propagated so far is a bad sign,” Emily explained. “You two are probably going to have your hands full the next few days.”

“Wonderful,” I huffed. “What about the roads?”

“Covered in antithesis,” Emily confirmed. “It may get a little bumpy. We’ll probably have to run a few over along the way, but we’ll get you home.”

“Sounds good to me,” Skyler proclaimed as she sat on the edge of one of the benches.

“Anything else we should know before we take off?” I asked hesitantly.

Emily smiled, “Like what? More planning? If you’re absolutely worried we might run into trouble, you can sit by the door instead of by Skyler, but we’re headed home. Your job is done for the day. Try to relax.”

I nodded hesitantly, then sat down beside my girlfriend. Lala was purring loudly as Skyler slowly scratched her butt, so I reached forward and petted her behind the ears. That sure made the tiny thing happy. As the APC slowly began to accelerate, heading back towards the gates, it finally hit me; we were heading back home.