Can you hear the sound of classic religious bullshit echoing through the halls of a school you once attended, forced to be denied the very fabric of who you are? Can you hear the reverbs of mall punk in the late 2000s where there was always a crowd of self-proclaimed liberal vampires gathered in front of a Hot Topic? Can you hear the pastor talking to your parents on the side of the porch after you told him that you might be gay during a confessional, thus breaking the very rules of what a confessional is for the sake of some homophobic condemnation?
Can you hear the thunder in your parents' voices when they kick you out?
Can you hear the internalized struggle of a homeless trans girl who just wants to kick it with Gerard Way?
Oh, right. You can’t hear anything. This is a book. Whoops. Haven’t even introduced myself. Ophelia Priest, Lead Singer and Gothic Princess of the pop punk band Transcontinental Airwaves. On Guitar we have my best friend, Jackie Lambe. We’ve been friends since kindergarten, and we’ve done everything together. Concerts, Movies, Arson, we’ve been through it all. Except prison. The media never figured out who burned down the true gospel megachurch on south 32nd street, and the Tacoma police certainly don’t give a shit. All they know is that the windows were all broken.
Moving on, we have Jackie’s girlfriend, Lena Ludwig Von Amsterdam on bass. She’s really just the representation of how trans women name themselves whatever the fuck we want. Lastly, on drums, we got Kim Willows, she has anger issues and is generally pissed off all the time but when you peel away the banana skin of wrath, you’ll find someone who is really just a comic book nerd. With the four of our powers combined, we have 1 brain cell and use it primarily for the music.
... Okay, well maybe slightly more than just one brain cell. But we can figure it out. This story may be a bit trippy, but don’t sweat. It’s more road trip trippy than ‘I-just-took-like-2-mollies-and-a-bunch-of-lsd-I’m-gonna-die’ trippy.
True story. Though, it wasn’t two mollies and LSD, it was actually just a bad margarita and a really old oyster that Jackie made me eat on a dare, but ANYWAY. Serenity wanted me to share the story of how I got my powers, and that’s what I’m gonna do. This is also the story of how the megachurch burned down. You see, August 11th, a week after I was rescued from Phobia Labs, the girlies and I were on our way to a concert at a local venue called Unreal Cinemas and Amphitheater.
Pretend you hear the whimsical sounds of a cartoon transition whisking you away to weeks after the incident with Matt Shapiro. The four of us are sitting in a van, Kimberly’s driving. Jackie’s sitting in the passenger’s seat, tuning her guitar. Lena and I are sitting in the back seat, watching the city pass us by.
“This better be a kick-ass amphitheater.” I spoke, breaking the silence.
“It is. Trust. Fall Out Boy performed there in like, 2004. Pete Wentz and Patrick Stump said it was a great venue.” Jackie replied, strumming her guitar at intervals for emphatic effect.
“MCR performed there as well. Lots of great punk bands, actually. Simple Plan, All Time Low, All American Rejects... I could go on.” Kimberly added.
“I do love me some Simple Plan.” I admitted.
“Additional point: Nature.” Lena spoke up, not adding much but also adding everything.
We all nodded our heads in agreement. Nature. Solid argument for an outdoor amphitheater, for sure.
Some time passed, more idle chatter happened, before finally we arrived at the amphitheater. It was around 2pm, roughly. They let us into the Green Room and told us that we were set to go on at 6pm. Sound check was at 4.
We didn’t exactly make it to the start of the show. The waiting went on for as long as it did, and when we finally got all set up and ready for a mic check...
“Testing, 1, 2, my parents ate a llama and fed me it's liver through a funnel. I'm traumatized, please help me.” I sang into the microphone, making sure the venue could hear me okay.
I saw the people around the sound area talk with each other, before turning back at my band.
“One more time. Bit of feedback on our end. Try being a bit louder.” The sound tech told me.
“Testing! 1, 2, 3, the sea will reclaim its rightful place on our planet and Poseidon shall command us all.” I spoke louder into the Microphone.
The sound tech looked at his switchboard and flipped a switch.
“Yeah, no, just one more time.” The sound tech said.
The cycle continued for roughly 30 minutes, before both us and the sound tech started growing visibly irritated.
“Okay, christ, uh... should be this setting. If it’s not, I’m lighting this whole machine on fire.” The sound tech said after fiddling with his device a bit.
“I would like to join in lighting a fire on said device.” Jackie said into her microphone.
“Jackie!” I spoke up, getting kinda irritated.
“What? He started it and we all need our mics checked.” She replied with contempt for the sound tech.
“Okay, you’re coming through a little bit, but there’s still a tiny bit of static we need to figure out.” The sound tech said after we finished our conversation.
“Yes we know that was the problem 30 minutes ago.” I said into the microphone.
“Y’know, you’re pretty rude for a tranny with no talent.” The sound tech guy said in response.
That next moment lives in my brain forever.
“The fuck did you just call me?” I shouted angrily, so loud that the physical manifestations of sound waves destroyed the entire venue and threw the sound check into a nearby pillar, collapsing part of the venue in on itself, right on top of the sound tech.
The next few moments were soundless, but I could see my vision falling backwards as I nearly passed out on the floor. My last moments of clarity was watching my bandmates circle around me and trying to figure out what happened.
The next time I woke up, I was at Seattle General. That was our first gig after Matt Shapiro’s defeat, and our last one since then. It was going to be our massive comeback tour after Caspian rescued me from Phobia Labs.
Anyway, reeling from the trauma of what I did, I woke up at the hospital, the only two people in the room being Jackie and a doctor who looked a bit like Annie Potts.
“Ophey, are you finally awake? You passed out. Covid? Jared Lang? What are you talking about, it’s 2005. We’re gonna binge-watch Hetalia.” Jackie spoke, getting closer to my face with every word.
“I just woke up, please don’t meme at me,” I said to Jackie before focusing my attention on the doctor, “What’s up, doc?”
“You don’t seem to have any lasting damages and mostly just passed out due to the severity of the situation. Michael, the sound tech working that night, unfortunately did have lasting damages, and is no longer with us.” The doctor replied to me.
“Why are you telling me the confidential files of other patients, isn’t that, like, against the nightingale oath or whatever?”
“Maybe I’m not actually a doctor.” She replied, smiling, before walking out the door and turning the corner out of view.
“What the fuck does that mean?” I asked myself.
“Who are you talking to, Ophey?” Jackie asked, still fairly close to me.
“There... there was a doctor. She looked like that one girl from Ghostbusters.” I replied.
“Which one, there’s like 4 of them.”
“Janine. From the original ghostbusters, you nob.”
“I don’t understand why the hospital put you on this many drugs, but you’re clearly seeing things. There was no one here. Your doctor had to help other patients, like 20 minutes ago.”
I stopped speaking and attempted to process everything that just happened. First, I gained vocal sonic powers, then I accidentally killed the sound tech, and now I’m in a hospital and my doctor is a ghost?
Yes. This is definitely a dream. That’s what I thought to myself, anyway. I wasn’t about to process any of that right then, and instead of doing that, I passed out again. Though this time it wasn’t due to fear or anything, I was just very tired. But unfortunately, not even my dreams were safe from reality.
I had a very vivid dream that day, I dreamed a dream I often had prior to my transition: Being a girl in high school and doing girl in high school things. I was back in the halls of Meeker High School, named after the mayor of puyallup. I was at my locker, getting ready for choir, grabbing various music books before I shut my door and boom, Serenity was staring at me. In my dream.
“Okay, I know for a fact I’m dreaming so who are you and what are you doing in my dream?” My dream self asked Serenity.
I didn’t know who she was yet, so there’s no way I could’ve imagined her in advance. She was incredibly pretty, though. Still is. I know she’s going to read this so like, Serenity, hit me up. You know my phone number. It’s in the group chat.
Anyway, the conversation went like this:
“I’m Serenity. As for what I’m doing here, I was sitting in that one coffee shop, the local one. Stars Coffee? Maybe you’re not from Redmond. Anyway, I had a panic attack when the Barista called my name, then I saw your name on the rung of a ladder followed by the word ‘dream’, and uhh... came here? I recognized your name from Shapiro's list, but I didn’t know dream traversal was something I could even do, honestly. Guess that counts as part of every reality.” She said, chaining a bunch of words I didn’t understand together into a sentence I didn’t understand.
“Okay I’m going to ask you one more time, because I’m late for choir and don’t wanna deal with your shit.” I replied.
“Okay, full truth: Your name is on the list. Have you awakened to any superpowers?”
“Yeah, but how did you know that?”
“What’s your power?”
“Supersonic Vocals, I guess...”
“Oh shit, that must be tough when you’re the lead singer of a band, right? Heard you accidentally killed the sound guy, but according to your bandmates, he probably deserved it.”
“Who are you again?”
“Serenity Eden, Storyteller, Traveler of Various Realities, and the bitch who cut the dick off Matt Shapiro. I’m writing a book, you see, telling the public what really happened to the Matt Slap. I also just wanna know who you are. I’ll be in touch.”
Serenity then just dispersed and completely disappeared from my dream.
Which meant that everything that I remember happening, actually happened.
I woke up immediately afterwards, startled. Jackie was still in the room.
“Ophey, are you alright? You’re starting to scare me.” She said to me, looking down from a bit further away while sitting on a stool.
“I’m... fine now. Some woman named Serenity Eden appeared in my dream and asked me if I had superpowers.” I told Jackie, who looked incredulous.
“Serenity Eden? I don’t know who that is but that sounds like something a trans woman would name herself.” Jackie laughed, before sighing.
“So... that means everything’s real. I killed someone with my vocals.” I replied, not exactly feeling the laughter.
“He called you a slur, babes. It was clearly karma. Besides, the venue isn’t going to go public with what happened, they’re saying it was a faulty column and they should’ve had it fixed years ago.”
“I can’t be in the band anymore.”
Jackie and I both stopped and looked directly at one another. I saw the pain in her eyes when I said it, almost like she was trying to process the decision.
“No, no. We’re on the verge of something big. We need this comeback tour, after you got kidnapped we couldn’t do anything because you’re the glue that holds this band together. Kim’s going to leave if you quit, the band can’t just be myself and Lena. Lena’s hot but she’s not hot on vocals. It’s like trying to listen to a dog-whistle, so high pitched it doesn’t sound like anything to human ears. Please, you can’t leave.” She pleaded, holding my hand.
“If I get too loud, it’s dangerous. I don’t know how to control my powers. Do you want more innocent people to get hurt, Jackie?” I asked.
“Well, I mean...”
“What would Anarchist Jesus Christ do?”
“He wouldn’t harm actual people.”
“Exactly. Now... I do wanna do something with all this anger I feel towards Shapiro for fucking up my life like this.”
Jackie stared at me for a solid second.
“Get me to the car, please.” I continued.
Jackie helped me up from the hospital bed, got us through the checkout process, and brought us to her car.
“Where do you wanna go?” She asked.
“Liquor store. Then, Michaels. Then, True Gospels.” I said, sequentially, taking a brief pause between steps.
“I very much like the direction this is going in. Does True Gospels have anything to do with Shapiro?” Jackie asked in response.
“No. But they did deny me my childhood.” I said, opening the car door and getting inside.
Jackie followed into the car, fumbling with her Car Keys.
“I’ve been waiting for this Ophelia to return.” Jackie said excitedly, catching her car keys and putting them into the key slot.
Once the car started, I was allowed to control the playlist we listened to, so we ended up belting out to several Evanescence and Fall Out Boy songs. Only Pete Wentz is allowed to know what we do in the dark. After that, well... I’m sure you know what happened.
A molotov cocktail was thrown through the window of the True Gospels that same night. For legal and contractual reasons, I have to say that I had nothing to do with the incident. But, you know, off the record? Yeah I totally did it. You have no idea what I had to go through while attending that church.
From Youth Leaders. Pastors. Parents. They all knew, and they all kept silent. Even the other kids.
Church deserved to burn.
The next day, I flipped on the news to see what everyone was talking about, and sure enough, it was all about the church.
“True Gospels Church has become the latest target of a series of arson attacks. Could the culprit be a former devotee?” One newscaster said, mistaking my work for the work of a serial arsonist that burned down two police checkpoints a couple weeks ago.
That was about the time my stroke of luck ended. I heard the doorbell ring, so I walked away from the TV set and answered the door.
“Is this the home of the Transcontinental Airwaves?” A tall black woman who kind of looked like Janelle Monae asked, leaning against one of the columns near our Koi pond.
We’re not unknown artists. Our band had been performing for about 10 years at this point. We just like Tacoma, despite the fact that there’s somehow a new supervillain every week sometimes. I actually fought a dude dressed like he was forever at a rave, and his ability was to become a human strobe light. He walked into the Point Defiance Zoo for only 10 minutes and gave half the animals seizures. It was fucked up.
I don’t know where all these powered people are coming from. I had to be tortured to get my powers. Now, Tacoma’s own Raveman gets his own powers through mysterious means? Something’s fishy.
Anyway, back to the incredibly hot woman in a grey trench coat and purple dress on my porch.
“Yeah, you a fan?” I replied, leaning against the door I opened.
“Sure am. I don’t know if you’ve heard of me given we don’t perform at the same type of venues, but I’m Tamicka Moore. The Bar Singer.”
“I’ve heard of you. You perform at that bar in Seattle sometimes, right? Legacy?”
“Sure do.”
“What brings the queen of Seattle's music scene to my humble abode, then?”
“I need your help. I heard about what happened at your last show, how that sound tech died. Couldn’t believe the police report at first glance. A solid, state-inspected indoor amphitheater’s roof comes crashing down on top of a poor sound guy’s head in an instant? I had to investigate. Learned from the staff that they heard you scream right before the ceiling came crashing down. Knew I had to come here, and I’m glad it was you who answered the door. Shapiro kidnapped me as well.”
I paused as she walked around the room explaining why she’s there, listening intently. When she mentioned Shapiro’s name, I immediately knew what kind of help she wanted.
“I haven’t used my powers since that incident. I don’t think my help will mean much. Why did you not contact one of the Seattle Superheroes?” I asked, trying to figure out exactly what Tamicka was talking about.
“As far as I’m aware, none of the Seattle Superheroes are musically inclined, and I need someone who can carry a tune to stop my mom from ruining Legacy’s Annual Battle of the Bands.” Tamicka responded, sitting down near the fireplace next to the TV.
I sat in an unoccupied chair near her.
“You have my attention, who’s your mom?” I asked.
“Loki.” She replied.
“That’s... hold on, do you mean-”
“Yes, that Loki. It’s a rather long story. Short version is, I’m a forbidden child of the gods. Zeus is my dad, Loki’s my mom. Family dynamics were always incredibly complicated.”
I could not process what she was telling me and just stared blankly back at her without thought.
The gods were real? Not only that, but ALL the gods are real? And they inter-religiously fuck each other? I knew I had to be dreaming at that point, and immediately pinched myself.
“This isn’t a dream, and I’m only telling you this because I seriously need your band's help. I can’t beat Loki by myself.”
I tried very hard not to slap myself across my face in order to regain my composure, but unfortunately my palm made it to my cheek anyway, and I shook my head a bunch to make sure all my doubts had gotten thrown out of my mind. Then I went back to a normal position and looked Tamicka directly in the eyes.
“If it’s music you want, I can help you. Fighting, on the other hand? I can’t. I haven’t been trained, and I don’t really know how to fight. I just smoke weed and play guitar hero.” I replied, overthinking the situation.
“I know someone who can help us train, for both the Battle of the Bands and stopping Loki from ruining it.” She replied, smiling.
“How exactly does Loki want to ruin it?”
“Crabs.”
Silence.
“That’s it?” I asked.
“Don’t ask me, I don’t know her plans yet. Half the time, I don’t even know what gender she is. Her spectrum ranges from non-binary to abandoned grocery bag floating on the wind and can change at a whim. Good for her, but also like, reign it back a bit?”
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“Yeah, I’m sure Loki’s whole personality is complicated. I’ll... Fuck, guess I’m already too deep into this to not see it through, I’m in. Who’s gonna help us train?”
“Starling.”
“I thought you said you didn’t know any Seattle Superheroes?”
“No, you asked why I didn’t contact any Seattle Superheroes first. I never said I didn’t know him or Serenity or any other member of the Unreliables.”
“...Serenity? Serenity Eden? The girl who was in my dreams last night?”
“Yeah, she can reality-hop. Includes dreamscapes, I guess. She was the one who told me about you, actually.”
Tamicka then stood up, hitting one of the buttons on her chest, which sprouted a holographic microphone in front of her mouth.
“Hey Caspy. It’s Chaos. I found the screamer and I’m bringing her to the lair.” Tamicka spoke into the microphone, waiting for a response back.
There was about a three second pause before Tamicka just said “understood” and tapped her chest again, making the microphone hologram disappear.
She then pulled out her car keys and motioned me to follow her as we both walked over to her car and she drove me up to the Lair of the Unreliables.
Which was just a massive lighthouse on the coast being rented out by the Unreliables. There was a training area just outside the building to the left and a pop up kitchen area to the right, making me think this was a rather new arrangement. Standing in front of the doors to the lighthouse, was the one and only Starling, sparkly black bird outfit and all. The man who near-singlehandedly pulled off the rescue heist of Phobia Labs. I don’t know why I’m surprised, he is a member of the Unreliables. He does seem like the one who knows how to train others.
“Welcome back, Chaos.” Starling said as we walked up to him.
“This is Ophelia Priest. She caused the accident at Unreal Cinemas and Amphitheater.” Tamicka said, immediately putting me on the spot.
“I had no idea what my voice was going to do.” I replied in an attempt to defend myself.
“It’s fine. You aren’t the only one with a messy awakening. But, that’s not relevant right now. Chaos, have you done more digging into the Battle of the Bands?” Starling replied back.
“Sure have. Figured out what the grand prize is. The Shroud of Chaos.” Tamicka spoke, pulling out a piece of paper from one of her trench coat pockets, unfolding it and showing us.
On the paper was just a square that was colored in black with lots and lots of swirls. Lots of them were outside the lines of the shape. There was a phrase pointing near the corner of what I assume was meant to represent a swirling darkness, reading ‘Chaos Pulses’.
“If Loki got her hands on it, it could spell doom for our entire reality. The Shroud is said to give off Chaotic Pulses, dramatically enhancing the abilities of whoever wears it. It’s also apparently the Shroud that Jesus Christ wore to perform a lot of his miracles, but I don’t know if I buy that.” Tamicka continued.
“So that’s why you needed me. To stop your mom, Loki, from winning a shroud in a Battle of the Bands contest in order to save the world? Sounds pretty metal, actually.” I replied, instantly, attempting a most bodacious air guitar riff.
“Yes, but I need you specifically to make it to the finale of the Battle of the Bands, control your abilities for that long, and only bring them out against Loki herself as I fight her as hard as I can. If we can stop her, you win the Battle by default. I know you’re inexperienced, but you’re also the only one that can help me. Battle of the Bands is August 29th. You have two weeks. I need a killer song about taking down the goddess of mischief, and it has to be a banger.”
“You’re asking a lot.”
“Obviously, but I need you. I don’t have a band myself, and that’s why Loki thinks she’s already won. You’re my secret weapon. I’ll let your band perform at Legacy if you agree to this.”
“Two weeks, I’ll train on my own time and I need the address of this place.”
“There’s no address. I can’t have our enemies or worse, my dad, discovering this place. I can add you to the group chat, if you would like. There’s a bunch of carpool options, and this is our new base of operations.” Starling chimed in.
“I’m sorry, THE Starling wants me to become a member of the Unreliables?” I asked incredulously.
“Call me Caspian, and it would just make things easier if both of you have full access to the team. Chaos is already involved, and I happen to be something of a mythology expert.” Starling replied back.
“She knows my real name is Tamicka, Caspy, you don’t have to keep calling me Chaos.” Tamicka chimed in.
“Yeah, okay. Do we have a deal, Ophelia?” Caspian asked me.
“Yeah. Call me The Screamstress.” I replied.
“You sew?” Tamicka asked.
“Yeah, screams. I sew screams. Cause I’m the screamstress. I just... I like the pun, okay, can we train now?”
After a few more idle moments of my awkward chatter, Caspian showed both myself and Tamicka inside the Lighthouse, which was actually very high tech. There were radars all over the place, no idea what they were tracking though. Maybe flights? Fish? Citizens? I don’t know a whole lot about what exactly the Unreliables are fighting against. There area was small, and there was a ladder leading up to a shelf of weapons. Caspian guided us up the ladder, and at the top there was another door that seemed like it was supposed to go outside, however there was blue light coming through it.
“Through this door is the training area. Well, it’s actually two doors, but this door will take us to the door we need to go through.” Caspian said, walking closer to the door and pulling it open.
Through the door we saw a shack. Like, an incredibly normal shack that was just really messy. There were random objects lying all over the place, and a computer that looked like it had been thoroughly investigated over the course of several nights. I don’t understand how it’s possible, as we were several feet off the ground, but I watched as Caspian and Chaos both stepped inside and remained on the floor. Caspian even stomped on it a few times to show that it was sturdy.
I walked through the door, and then heard a slam as the door shut itself behind me.
“Fuck!” I called in surprise, “How are we supposed to get back now?”
“Don’t worry about it. The Shack always appears exactly where it needs to.” Caspian calmed me down while grabbing a small cube-like object from the computer table.
“It’s less complicated if you simply don’t try to make sense of it.” Tamicka whispered.
Caspian turned both sides of the cubes in different directions as a doorway opened itself near the beginning of a hallway on the other side of the shack. It was a blue light, similar to the shade of light I saw under the first door.
“This is the Training Chamber. Took Alphonso awhile to figure out what every item in this shack does, but he did it. This cube opens up a portal to a holochamber that can transform itself into anywhere in the world, however it can only be opened from in this Shack. Alphonso tried to use it outside of this shack, and it didn’t work. So, that’s how we train. Kicking the holographic asses of whatever we want to kick.” Caspian explained, talking as if he was a scientist that’s really passionate about his latest project.
“So I could kick the asses of demons and shit?” I asked.
“If you want. Just walk in, think of the where and the who, then have at it.” He replied.
I decided to indulge him and figure things out for myself, so I stepped through the portal, imagining I was on a beach and attempting to fight stereotypical demons from hell to stop me from having a pool party with my bandmates.
Within an instant, I saw the entire room change from several blue panels in a cubical shape to the sandy Waikiki beach in Honolulu. My bandmates all got built from the ground up out of the same blue cubes as the original room, as well as a bunch of red, humanoid devil-like beings with horns and wings emerging from the ocean. My bandmates and myself all found ourselves in our bathing suits.
“Seriously, Ophelia, you could’ve gone anywhere and you chose the K-On! Beach Episode?” The Newly Generated Kimberly asked me.
“Wow, this room is truly incredible, they got your sass on point.” I replied to the AI replication of Kimberly which I’m assuming was created from my memories.
“Beach episodes are the best fillers, and look! The view!” AI Jackie spoke, jumping up from the beach and grabbing me by the shoulders, “plus that horde of demonic looking zombies, but also the view!”
Jackie’s energy was also at the correct level. It was like the room itself had actually taken my memories of my bandmates and used those memories to recreate what I saw in the training room. Even the demons were impressive, as they were breathing actual fire and I was becoming very concerned that I might die. I hoped that they weren’t playing by Sword Art Online rules.
I quickly shook myself off AI Jackie’s arms and walked over to the horde of demons. There were about 6 of them, all at various points in the ocean just kinda circling around the area as if they were NPCs in a video game.
“Okay,” I spoke to myself, “Gotta remember all the fighting games I’ve ever played. Maybe they won’t attack until I think I want them to attack me.”
I took a deep breath, then without a second thought, I screamed. Loudly. Clear circles emerged from my mouth, knocking most of the demons out of the sky, and throwing them backwards into the Ocean.
That was just my first attempt though. I ended up training for nearly 8 hours that day, with each passing hour equaling a shift in what I was doing. After the demonic beach invasion, I had spies invade the washington state history museum, fought with Serenity against zombie confederate soldiers, did a nonstop scooby doo style chase sequence, Joined Starling to fight aliens on pluto, stopped animatronics from destroying an defunct rainforest cafe, Became the female blackbeard, and finally, stopped sinister gang members from robbing a bank. Then, after that was all over, I emerged from the portal, only to find that neither Caspian nor Tamicka were still there, and the portal closed behind me.
I’m not gonna lie, I freaked out a little bit. I was in a random shack in the middle of who knows where for 8 hours manifesting the life of my dreams into a cube I wish I could take with me. It has to remain here for a reason, I guess. I still don’t really know what the shack itself is, but if everything in that shack is like that box, then I don’t know if I wanna get involved.
When I opened the exit door of the shack, I saw the living room of my house, with all my bandmates sitting around the fireplace staring directly into a doorway with me on the other end. When I stepped through the doorway, the door shut itself and disappeared instantly.
“What the fuck, we had a show tonight, Ophey.” Jackie said, frustrated at my sudden appearance.
“Yeah it’s 4 in the morning, Ophelia. Where the fuck have you been?” Kimberly spoke, also expressing frustration.
“A Shack.” I responded in the most monotone voice I possibly could.
“What in the actual fuck do you mean by that?” Kimberly responded in an incredibly irritated voice.
“A Magic Shack. In the middle of literally anywhere, I think, and it has a portal to a pocket dimension that works like the holodeck in Star Trek. Guys, I got approached by the Unreliables. Not only that, but that one Bar Singer from Legacy, Tamicka, is actually a minor forbidden god. A daughter of Loki and Zeus. She wants us to play the Battle of the Bands at Legacy so we can stop Loki from stealing the Shroud of Chaos.”
I gulped, hoping that explanation would be enough to convince them that I couldn’t be making it up.
“Okay which Hobo gave you LSD?” Jackie asked earnestly, “Cause that sounds fucking incredible and that hobo deserves to be a billionaire.”
“Jackie, I’m being serious.” I replied.
“Okay, so, is this just a you thing or is this a ‘I made the executive decision to thrust the whole band into a magical mess of chaos without consent’ thing?” Lena asked.
“Definitely the latter, also I’m sorry. Also, I’m really not sorry. Tamicka found out about my powers after a bit of digging and her name was also on the list. From Phobia Labs. Her only request was that we spend the next two weeks writing a song that’s so metal it’ll literally destroy the goddess of Mischief.” I replied, pulling our song notebook out of my back and throwing it onto the ground in front of everyone.
“Goddess? I thought Loki was a man.” Kimberly asked.
“That’s more of an MCU thing. Loki was pretty fluid in norse mythos.” Lena answered.
“I think it’s more of a Mythology thing, actually. Most of those ancient civilizations had very lenient views on gender.” I added.
The next two weeks were spent entirely on writing the song. Every once in a while, Tamicka would stop by and ask how our progress is going. We lied, for the most part. Truth was, we weren’t having an easy time figuring out what kind of song would beat Loki. I had to call Caspian several times just to get basic norse information about her. Nothing he said helped, and I googled the horse thing Caspian told me not to google.
I have a bit more appreciation for furries now.
Anyway, we worked as hard as we could until we reached the Battle of the Bands. Day of, we finally wrote a song that would have to work. There’s a scream at the end of the song, that’s basically Tamicka’s cue.
When we finally hit the road to Legacy, Jackie decided to look a bit more in-depth at exactly who we were up against.
“Some pretty neat band names on this poster,” Jackie started, reading off the poster from her phone, “The Jacked Rats, Loopsidaisy, Michaelangelo’s Stripper, it’s gonna be some stiff competition. Looks like Lasagna Fox is hosting the whole thing. Drag must really be popular.”
“MS is pretty big in Capitol Hill. Hear they’re regulars of Legacy.” I replied, trying not to think about the big dilemma looming over our heads, “Did you remember to pack the costumes, Kim?”
“Duh.” Kimberly replied, staring out the window, “They’re in the back.”
The next several minutes went by silently as we all tried our best to remember everything we had written down. After some time, we finally made it to the venue.
“You made it.” Tamicka said as we stepped out of our van.
“You doubted us?” Kim replied.
“In my line of work, I have to doubt everything and everyone.”
“Don’t doubt us yet. Which band is your mom in?” I asked, trying to turn the topic in a different direction.
“Michaelangelo’s Stripper. She named it.” Tamicka responded.
“That’s her band? MS is a legend on Cap Hill.”
“That it is. Battle’s a two parter. Meaning, you only have to beat the first band. Loki’s gonna wipe the floor with Loopsidaisy, and you’re likely going to have an easy time with The Jacked Rats. They can’t actually play. They’re just a bunch of cis white men trying to be the alt-right Nirvana while consistently misunderstanding Nirvana’s music.”
“Where are we performing?” Jackie chimed in and asked.
“Volunteer park. They rented out the baseball field and put a couple stages on both sides.”
“Alright, let’s kick some godly ass.” I said to my bandmates, excitedly.
After that, we headed over to Volunteer park and sure enough, there were two massive stages fitted out with instruments and huge sound systems, cause Legacy likes to be showy. Once we went to the green room area, we ended up meeting the other bands. Loopsidaisy was a two pair rock outfit, both cis women who were dressed like wilted flowers. Falling petals and all. The Jacked Rats were a bunch of extremely buff dudes who went all out on face makeup but were also clearly copying KISS. Gene Simmons would never.
Finally, about 30 minutes late, Michelangelo’s Stripper came in. Only three members of the band, but something about them felt... rather unusual. The two standing behind Loki were both blonde, but the girl who was holding the bass had braids in her hair, while the man did not. All three of them were simply wearing Togas, as if they had come from a frat party.
“Mother.” Tamicka spoke, standing up from one of the green room couches.
She was allowed to be back here, since she’s royalty at Legacy. At least, that’s what she says.
“Tamicka. I assume you’re here to stop me.” Loki spoke, smiling.
“Just here to enjoy the show. Transcontinental Airwaves just so happens to be the best band in Seattle.”
“We’re from Tacoma, and do not agree with that remark.” Kimberly spoke from the same couch, not getting up.
“These lumps of coal are who we must beat, right, Lady Loki?” The blonde-haired guy said.
“I need you to find better insults, Baldr.” The braided-haired girl said.
“Hush. Both of you. I need your best if we’re going to claim the Shroud.” Loki said to both of them, holding up her hand and making the ‘shut up’ motion.
“You’re gonna need the backup later, mom.” Tamicka chuckled, walking out of the green room area and back into the audience through the dugout.
The ‘Green Room’ was actually just behind the wooden board behind home plate, mind you, and the audience had seats in the middle of the field to make sure they had optimal viewing experiences.
Even if they all went deaf by the end of the night.
An hour later, the show started. Lasagna Fox came out on the stage closest to us and introduced each band performing in the battle. Unfortunate that there were only four of them, but that just leaned right into Loki’s plan.
Michelangelo’s Stripper went first and knocked Loopsidaisy straight out of the park with the most incredible take on Viking Metal I’ve ever heard. Next was us against the Jacked Rats, and they stood absolutely no chance against our song, ‘The Harrowing’. In fact, I think I heard their lead singer mention Elon Musk and they got rightfully booed off the stage.
Finally, the last song of the night. The event was only supposed to last about an hour, given there was a 10 minute intermission before we went head to head with Loki.
“Where’s the song, Ophelia?” Lena asked, knowing I had it.
I pulled my song notebook out of my purse and handed it to Lena, who flipped through it until she got to the last page, ‘Death of Mischief’.
“Are you certain this will be enough?” Lena asked.
“50%.” I replied.
“Only 50%?” Kim asked immediately.
“You heard that insane guitar riff the blonde-haired dude was playing. They aren’t going to be easy to beat.”
“That’s Baldr, god of Light. The other one is Freyja, Goddess of Fertility and Battles.” Tamicka said, randomly appearing behind the wooden board to talk with us.
We all immediately freaked out, as we were not used to people just randomly popping into existence.
“You did not tell us there were going to be 3 different Gods we have to beat.” I replied once I had calmed down enough.
“Freyja? The goddess of Battles? At the Battle of the Bands? That’s ridiculous. How the hell are we going to win?” Lena asked, hyperventilating.
“Listen. I don’t need you to actually win the Battle of the Bands, I need you to stop Loki. If she drops out, they forfeit, and you win the Shroud. If you wanna win the traditional way, good fucking luck.” Tamicka replied, nervously but still trying to convey a sense of dignity.
Without another question, I walked over to Lena and took my song notebook away from her, showing Tamicka the song we wrote.
“Will this be enough?” I asked.
“More than.” She said, winking, before disappearing in a puff of lightning-infused smoke.
“She was at Phobia Labs, right?” Jackie asked.
“Yeah. But she definitely didn’t get her powers from being tortured, but that’s not relevant. We need to out-metal the Norse Gods.” I replied, walking towards the dugout so we could head on stage. The rest of the gang followed.
When we got on stage to set up and tune our instruments, we noticed that the curtains were closed. Lasagna Fox was also backstage, testing out her mic, before noticing us.
“This one’s for all the Marbles, you ladies are gonna crush it.” Lasagna said, smirking.
“This battle’s life and death, Lasagna. Side note, I really hope that’s not your real name.” I said, cheerfully.
“Unfortunately, my real name is Richard, but Lasagna fits me better. I’m like an orange cat. Anyway, consider this your 5 minute warning.”
“Thank you five!” Jackie yelled as Lasagna walked over to a quiet corner to give us space.
For the next 5 minutes, we got all our stuff set up and tuned, before Lasagna took to the stage to introduce the final round of the Battle.
“Hello, Seattle! It’s your favorite food, Lasagna!” Lasagna shouted over the crowd to a middling reaction, “Okay, let’s just get into it then. On this stage, we have one of the most queer-positive bands this side of the Cascades, the Transcontinental Airwaves!”
The curtains shot open, revealing us in all our gothic glory. We each had our own outfit to wear on stage, which was mostly black, and we each had a decent amount of black eyeshadow around our eyes. The crowd cheered rather loudly.
“Over in the other Corner, it’s the Gods of the Capital Hill Music scene, Michelangelo’s Stripper!” Lasagna continued, trying to remain energetic despite knowing that no one was really there to see her.
The curtains on the other side of the stage shot open, revealing our opponents, entirely decked out in leather battle armor and steel crowns, as well as Red and Blue face paint on each of their cheeks. The crowd cheered just as loudly for them as they did us.
“Are you ready for the final fight of the night? This matchup is sure to be fire, and let’s not forget that the winners of this battle win a 3 nights stay at the phenomenal Edgewater Hotel and a cloak of some kind. Now then... contestants! Ready your instruments!” Lasagna shouted as she walked off the stage and wandered into the crowd.
“Y’all ready?” I asked, covering the microphone.
“No.” All three of the others called back at once.
Just then, we heard strumming coming from Baldr’s guitar on the other stage. When I looked at them, I saw Loki’s eyes begin turning green. I gave the signal to have Kimberly start drumming our new song, and she did. Freyja started strumming around that point as well, and a few seconds later, both of our bands were already well into the introduction of each song. Neither Loki nor I had started doing vocals. We were just staring at each other, waiting for the other to make a move.
Loki flashed a quick smirk.
“From the bowels of Valhalla floats the light of war/coast to coast, we crush the losers beached upon the shore” Loki began to sing.
Then it was my turn.
“The flames torch the echoes of our past/Our world wasn’t ever built to last!” I belted out, swirling the vocals of our two bands in perfect harmony.
“We thrust, and kill, and pillage/but our trust is in our privilege/this world will be ours to capture without fail!” Loki sang in the most melodic tune I’ve heard.
Suddenly, Baldr started playing the guitar so hard that it started glowing really bright, enough to be seen from the stage. Freyja and Baldr then played back to back as Loki’s microphone started glowing green.
“There’s nothing left when everything we know crumbles/but there’s a lesson in the madness that we cannot fumble.” I belted, trying to stay in the tune of the song.
However, much to our chagrin, Loki had reached their chorus first.
“Devote your life to the Gods/Become whatever you want/Trust in us and become Green with Envy.” Loki belted, enrapturing the audience.
“Don’t trust the troublemakers/They’re playing for your favor/There is no honor for those who do not learn!” I sang, improvising lyrics because I had forgotten them on stage.
I took the heat from the band later.
“We earned our honor fighting through the hallowed halls of Asgard/Stop this nonsense before we turn you into a placard!” Loki sang, also improvising at this point.
“I see you/I feel you/I understand the pain you seek/but there’s only one way this ends: the death of mischief!” I shouted into the microphone, being very careful not to shoot out sonic circles just yet.
“The death of mischief? please/I can’t die, those aren’t good pleas/but I see there’s more to this war than just going green with envy.” Loki sang, getting a bit angrier.
“We fight supernatural tricksters for breakfast/now you’re spiraling so you break fast...er...” I sang, still improvising and stumbling over some of the words.
I saw Tamicka looking at me, making a motion with her hands to let me know that it’s almost time. Suddenly, she floated up to the stage, surrounding herself in a bubble of electricity as she took a microphone from Baldr’s side of the stage. Baldr seemed annoyed but he was too busy doing one of the most insane guitar solos I have ever heard. Jackie tried to match his energy, but couldn’t come close.
“Mother/Has Killed A Man/Glow in her eyes as she lead/to the river to bury the dead.” Tamicka began to sing what sounded like parody lyrics to Bohemian Rhapsody.
“That happened one time, Tamicka!” Loki shouted, not even singing.
“We will fight on with valor/to demolish those with ulterior motives galore/the horde is approaching fast/but we know they won’t ever last!” I sang, getting as loud as I could without activating my powers.
“Your war is pointless, mother/no forbidden child can defend another/we all know you’re scared to face/the coming war that’ll put you in your place.” Tamicka sang with as much passion as she could, which got Loki to react with an angry ‘tch’.
“You’re just Green/With Envy/Wanting to be me/You’re not truly family/just a little wanna-be/I’m the one to take it all/it was like that from the very start/Asgard is mine to call/a home that I shall overthrow!” Loki sang, angrily, directly at Tamicka.
“Green with Envy? More Like/Green with Greed/There’s just one thing you need, Loki/Some who can create/The Death of Mischief!” I sang, belting out the music as loud as I possibly can, creating the sonic vocals that reverberated above the crowd and pushed Loki through the back of the stage, abruptly ending their set.
After that, we stopped playing for a hot minute as well.
Loki stood up, trying to make her way back over to the microphone, her body glowing Green now.
“You haven’t won yet/just look at the crowd/it’s not over yet/I will get the Shroud/you’re not done with me yet/you’re going green with envy!” Loki belted, with a bit more passion than she was using previously.
“Jackie, go.” I said, quietly, before Jackie put her guitar back on its stand and walked to the edge of the stage with a microphone as Lena and Kim both started playing a beat that’s easier to rap to.
Yeah, Jackie’s special talent is that she can rap, and she’s really fucking good at it.
“Listen, I know you think it’s not over yet
But can we talk about how I can see your stench
Your aura is boring, and green is super lame
Are you honestly just doing this for money and fame?
You’re all gods, why do you care about some dumbass cloak
Why not preach your religion and shove it down our throats
We aren’t some wanna-bes, we’ve been on the scene
All you did was glow up your pathetic, glossy sheens
Just come clean, please, about your tactics as thieves
Cause they’re as bad as your song, that’s the real death of mischief” Jackie rapped at Loki, who got visibly angrier as the rap went on.
Jackie knows how to piss people off. It’s why she’s my best friend and in the band in the first place.
“It’s not over yet/you haven’t stopped us at all/you aren’t done with us yet/in fact it’s not even your call/with my final breath/I call for the death of mischief!” I sang into the microphone, loud enough to create more sonic circles pushing their entire band back, while they still planted their feet on the stage.
Their feet were slowly moving backwards. I decided I needed to sing the same thing multiple times over.
“I call for the death of mischief!” I shouted, with even more sonic circles pushing them back.
Freyja fell to her knees and dropped her bass. Baldr stumbled backwards and fell through a different part of the stage area, and Loki, upon seeing both of them, gave up and dropped the microphone. Tamicka, who was off on a safe end of the stage, walked back up after all the music had stopped and opened up a portal that looked like it was made out of lightning.
“It’s over.” Tamicka said, staring down at Loki.
“It’s never over, Dear. You may have won this once, but I’ll be back for the Shroud. Ragnarok is on its way, after all,” Loki said, weakly getting up, “Baldr, Freyja, it’s over. We’ll get the Shroud another day.”
“Damn it! Again? Odin’s gonna be pissed.” Freyja shouted, “This was completely my wheelhouse! It’s probably Baldr’s fault.”
“My fault? You don’t even play an instrument that matters! My riffs are on par with Apollo when he plays the Harp! Clearly I was the most important part of the band.” Baldr shouted back, getting up from the second hole in the back of the stage.
“Both of you, shut up!” Loki shouted, before snapping her fingers and making all three of them disappear in a puff of green smoke.
“Well, it seems like Michaelangelo’s Stripper has been disqualified, so the Transcontinental Airwaves are the winners!” Lasagna Fox shouted, unsure what to make of what just transpired.
The crowd cheered loudly. While we did win the battle, I don’t think our fight was over yet. Eventually, we managed to get home and sleep. Tamicka congratulated us and let me keep the Shroud safe. However, I felt uncomfortable keeping it in our house so I ended up giving it to Caspian next time I went over to the Lighthouse.
“Is this...?” Caspian asked, holding what looked like a thin white cloak.
“Yep. The Shroud of Chaos. No idea what it does, but I’m still inexperienced and I don’t think Lena should get close to it. Last time she did, she started cackling like a bog witch and it was not fun to listen to. I’d rather it be in the hands of someone who knows their mythology.” I replied.
“Alright, cool. I’ll be sure to ask Serenity to try to get more info next time she’s in Asgard.”
“Tell her to stop visiting my dreams. Next time I see her, I’d rather it be in real life.”
“Duly noted, Ophelia.”
After that, our band started touring like normal. I didn’t have a whole lot of trouble with the norse gods or see Tamicka for a long while after that. I yearned to just have things go back to normal, and they did.
Anyway, that’s my story. Time to hand it off to Serenity. I’m sure she’ll be excited to read it.