Throughout this journey, which began four years ago, I have managed to change as much as one can in a world of pure material impermanence. I no longer identify with that pathetic existence that once fled from home, selling possessions and escaping responsibilities. While I do not regret doing so, as I recognize these events as necessary steps to reach my current essence.
This essence no longer believes it has been chosen by the very gods to carry their messages, which I eloquently decided to call illuminations in my dreams. Now I understand and try to explain to myself that these dreams were nothing more than fragments of my own truth that I did not want to face. Therefore, I am not chosen, just another offspring of reality with a great memory and imagination. The stories I allude to, such as the apotheosis of Finis along with the appointment of his seven apostles, whether real or simply figments of a primordial memory are not important. What matters is that the author of these pages once believed that these stories held important life lessons.
Stories like the one about the misadventures of a beggar girl abandoned by her parents in a world where no one helped her and only wanted to see her suffer, giving her only rotten food as if it were a gracious charity. Or the story of a lone traveler who set out on a journey through the world due to a feeling of marginality, wishing he could become a normal being capable of fitting in with the rest. In the end, he saw his efforts rewarded by obtaining what he believed he lacked. However, experiencing the events during his journey, he realized that he no longer desired what he had sought, for his longing for that goal had grown so much that nothing offered could satisfy his expectations. He then decided to embark on his journey again in search of that 'something' he still lacked.
Another example would be the story of the young warrior who committed suicide when he was unable to protect the kings who trusted him and the kingdom whose safety he was entrusted with. Both were killed by a dark mage who established a new tyrannical era. Continuing with the stories, I would like to tell the one about the young man who rebelled against his obligation of eternal and solitary work. He fled into the forest, in an ignorant search for freedom in a tyrannical system. However, he realized that a socialized being cannot escape or survive in a true state of nature. He died imploring in sobs for someone to save him as he dragged his dying body back to his 'home,' while a crow watched him with great anticipation.
In another part of the universe, a hero sold his homeland to the monsters he was supposed to kill to recover his beloved apprentice. However, the monsters deceived him, and the hero had to witness his apprentice being killed while the God of the new world descended from the sky, devouring the souls of the citizens he was supposed to protect.
Filled with rage, the hero unleashed a terrible power that deformed his body, turning him into a horrible creature. His spirit remained chained to his earthly body forever. With this new power, he massacred all the monsters and killed the God. Once his duty was fulfilled, he departed with the corpse of his apprentice in his arms and tears in his eyes, searching for a place to bury him.
There is the story of the boy who let himself be consumed by the light of his desires, resulting in the destruction of the universe. There is also the story of the young man who could never pass the wall to reach the promised land of the virtuous, which was on the moon. It was said that the rabbit residing there granted the blessing of immortality. Alongside these stories, there is the dream of the boy who cut all ties holding his memories, in an attempt to avoid the pain of bad memories. However, he ended up succumbing to darkness, as there were no longer memories to illuminate his present.
Another story is of the idiot, a court jester who did not appreciate the knowledge imparted by the kingdom's sage. When the sage finally died, the idiot realized the value of his teachings, but it was already too late.
These narratives, or rather, dreams that I have had over these four years, are now connected in the thread that my 'self' has managed to grasp. I am transcribing them onto these pages, and through this dialectical act of transcription, transformative knowledge will become part of my being, modifying my essence once again, in this eternal movement of return from the perfectible to the perfection from which we come.
This text was taken from Royal Road. Help the author by reading the original version there.
This thread of understanding that I have managed to grasp reveals in these dreams not a divine message, but my hatred towards my past and towards myself. I recognize the mistakes I made, my lack of direction or passion in this world, and my excessive dedication to wrong goals, perhaps generated by my lack of self-confidence, which prevented me from pursuing certain paths in life, not just those limited by historical-material circumstances.
It was in the midst of that whirlwind of hatred and lack of confidence in my own being that I decided to flee from home, taking only my dreams as company in those nights where my demons haunted me. In this narrative, I was portrayed as a prophet, a saint, and a sage capable of glimpsing the past and future of humanity and the universe, thanks to the illuminations granted by the Goddess. At that moment, I firmly believed in my intrinsic worth. However, now I no longer see things the same way. The meaning of those events has been updated, as I explained in the previous paragraph. Therefore, I am no longer sure what the truth is. The only thing I know for certain is that every time I think I have understood it, it slips through my fingers. Nevertheless, it was in that fruitless search where I finally found myself.
I no longer see myself reflected in this narrative. Although it was 'me' at that time, it now only holds value for me, who lived it, but it has no relevance to who I am now. While I keep it with me in these pages, it could be said that it remains a part of me, a foundation upon which I build my life inside this onyxian tower. However, I will no longer waste my time on unknown 'revelations' of a dead past that only nourishes my knowledge. I will focus on the concrete.
My quest is centered on finding my desire, using the threads of my dreams and other stories I have shared on previous occasions. Through them, I have come to the conclusion that my escape and search for meaning is to discover the truth. This truth can only be revealed through knowledge, acquired by enriching the spirit through study, which fosters an understanding of what it truly means to be human in its essence: rationality.
In this way, by taking these imperfect, multiple, and perfectible methods by the hand, I will attempt to grasp the unique principle of everything, thus reaching the threshold of the soul where the uni-multiple awaits. It is the spirit whose trick guides us toward a world shaped in its image, with the sole purpose of better understanding what is and what is not at the same time, the eternal and ineffable principle.
And it was in what underlies my experiential world that I found the path to the first step of the truth. I had mistakenly attributed this truth to the desires that drive the body, when in reality, it is about what drives the spirit. It is in the spirituality that underlies us and everything that exists, which can be nothing other than the inherent rationality of the human being and which can be observed in the legislative balance of nature. Thus, it is in reason, which creates, shapes, and underlies the real, where the threshold of the first step that initiates a constant movement is found.
It was on that spiritual basis where I finally found the understanding of the intellect of the uni-multiple. It presented itself before my intellect, accustomed to the changing darkness of the material world and of opinion, in the only way I could understand it. It manifested in the center of a city of gold and marble, surrounded by small golden houses, with a central square in which a Gothic cathedral stood. In that setting, the night sky was tinged with purple nebulae and an amber moon illuminated the world with its soft light, allowing my eyes to perceive the eidetic plane.
In the fountain of the central square that extended in front of the entrance to the cathedral, that’s where I saw her. Wearing a blue sweater with white dots, a turtleneck covering her mouth, and orange hair hiding her eyes, where one could glimpse the eternal cosmic space of dead stars. Cheerfully greeting me, this apparition introduced herself as Saphira. Recalling the multiple dreams I had recounted on another occasion, I knew what I had to do. With determination in my gaze and firmness in my voice, I expressed my desire in her presence.
"I wish to be by your side for the rest of my life."
She, who represents the unknown and doubt, is the beginning of the path to truth, knowledge, and certainty, and here I remain to this day, alongside Saphira, engaging in conversations, questioning, and exploring all that we are, all that exists and does not exist. With the only certainty that thanks to this communion, we are one step closer to the truth, that simple principle that engendered multiplicity and that can only be known through participation in it, for which a contemplative life is required. With this combination of theoretical and artistic threads, we will uncover the mysteries of the One that underlies and transcends us all.
n this way, by serving knowledge and guiding new generations with these life lessons, I hope to atone for the sin that so suffocates my being, the crime I so desired to forget and that now, with the Goddess of knowledge by my side, I can see clearly once again. I hope that someday creation will be able to forgive me.