With a spring in his step, Bob walked the lot, seeing the same things he saw on every Friday morning since he had started in the business, lots of salesmen and no customers. The people who could afford to buy a car were all at work, save for a few retirees that would show up to kick tires and drink the free coffee in the lobby. Instead of walking around and waiting for an up, he made his way to the service lounge.
Normally, trolling the service lounge was a losing proposition. People having their cars worked on in service were not normally inclined to buy a new one. To add to that difficulty, Bob always had the fear he would run into one of his old customers in there. He didn’t want to waste time talking to an old customer, he had wasted enough time hearing their stupid stories when they had originally bought their car.
Today, the Upgrade skills he had gained made the service lounge a smorgasbord of potential deals. Bob activated Spot Customer and scanned the crowd for his first victim of the day, genuinely excited to see how things worked with all this Upgrade nonsense. Taking a moment to use some of what Willie had taught him, Bob began to filter the data on his interface to show only the desired information.
Scan target: Service customers.
Criteria for sort: Potential sale rating.
No other sorting criteria were selected.
Customer 1: 0%
Customer 2: 0%
Customer 3: 0%
Customer 4: 8%
Customer 5: 15%
Customer 6: 22%
Customer 7: 91%
Bingo! Lucky number seven. Customer seven turned out to be a middle-aged lady that the system revealed as being named Lucy Inman. He did a full scan on her information, not wanting to scare off his prey until he had all his ducks in a row.
Lucy Inman. Account Executive, Level 6.
Potential customer rating: 91%
Vehicle of choice: Midsized Sedan/high trim level.
Color Preference: Your scan rating is not high enough for this information.
Budget: Your scan rating is not high enough for this information.
Credit Rating: Your scan rating is not high enough for this information.
Bob figured he could work with that. The brand he worked for had a decently rated midsize car and the store kept a good inventory of them on hand. Time to cast out his line and see if got a bite.
Bob put on his cheesiest smile, straightened his tie, and walked toward the customer while pretending to get a cup of the crappy coffee the store left out for the poor slogs in service. Normally the managers would be all over a salesman for drinking the service coffee, but they were all back in the general manager’s office having some useless meeting.
“What are you in for?” Bob asked Lucy.
“I’m sorry. What did you say?” Lucy replied, looking up from her phone.
A new interface overlay appeared in Bob’s vision, showing something called the Path to a Deal. It served as a reminder to Bob that he still needed to work his sales magic despite the customer supposedly being ready to buy a vehicle. Just because she was ready to buy a car didn’t mean she was ready to buy one from him.
Path to a Deal: 5%
“Sorry, I just meant what were they doing to your car today?” Bob asked. Lucy nodded as a scowl appeared on her face.
“They’re checking to see if the mechanics can raise it from the dead. The check engine light is on and it’s making a clanking noise. The car has over 150,000 miles on it and it may be time to finally put it out of its misery,” Lucy replied with a sigh.
“That stinks, at least you got 150k miles out of it, not bad really. What kind of car do you think you’ll get to replace it?” Bob asked, feeling the first nibble on the line.
“My friends want me to get a minivan since I’m a single parent, but I only have one child and I’m not sure I want to relegate myself to the realm of minivan mom just yet,” Lucy said with a smile. The next line would be crucial, Bob tried hard to forge it just right without sounding cheesy or creepy.
“I can appreciate that. I have one child that I raised myself, he’s grown now and out of the house, finally. A minivan is handy, especially the sliding doors for a baby seat, but I consider it a victory for my ego that I never had to buy one and just used a normal, midsized car,” Bob replied.
“My daughter is ten so we’re way past the baby seat stage. A midsized car just might work for me,” Lucy said considering the option.
Path to a Deal: 18%
Progress. Now to set the hook.
“While you’re waiting for the postmortem on your car from service, do you want to look at a couple of new ones. I promise the last thing I’ll do is try to sell you something. I just want you to know what your options since you’re here waiting anyway,” Bob offered. Lucy considered for a moment.
“Sure, as long as you don’t pressure me to buy something,” Lucy said, dropping her half-finished coffee into the trash.
“Cross my heart, the last thing I’ll do today is try to sell you a car,” Bob said, making an exaggerated crossing motion over his chest.
“Do you have a preference for color or options? I usually like to drive a well-equipped car, but everyone has their preference and budget. I understand the need to skimp on some of the extras sometimes if they’re too costly,” Bob said while leading Lucy out to the lot.
The system had told him she preferred a well-equipped car, so he steered her toward the row holding those models. Unlike the stupid Hammerhead trucks, they had 14 midsized cars in the “Limited” trim level that featured nearly every option as standard.
“I have to admit I kind of want all the goodies. My old car was a base model and I hated not having any of the convenience items in it, not to mention it has a crummy radio and cloth seats. As far as colors I suppose, I should look at a neutral color like white or grey,” Lucy said as new information populated.
Color preference unlocked: Burgundy or Green.
Nice, Bob now had a plan. He opened the first car for her, a white limited sedan. The smell of the leather interior was intoxicating, and Lucy jumped right into the car and started touching all the buttons and controls.
Bob wondered about the system notice. It said that that color preference was different from what she said she wanted. No matter, Bob was used to customers lying about things, making a note to use the color information to his advantage later.
“This is so much nicer than mine…and more expensive,” Lucy lamented.
“Why don’t we take it for a spin, I know you’ll be impressed with all the improvements we’ve made to this model over your old one,” Bob said, opening the lockbox for the key.
Lucy accepted and they took the car out on “the route”. Like probably every dealership in the country, their store had a route that was meticulously planned to lead the customer on less busy streets with nice scenery. It would lull them into a feeling of comfort and help them imagine the car being theirs. When they pulled back onto the lot, Bob could tell she was very interested but not quite ready to commit.
Path to the sale: 44%
“You know what?” Bob said while pretending to think deeply about something. Lucy looked up expectantly.
“I hate to say it since it’s my job to get you to like this car…but this color really doesn’t suit you. You seem like a nice person and I admire you being a single mom—the hardest job on earth I might add. Do you mind if I pick something out that I think would be a better fit?” Bob asked.
“Okay, I guess it can’t hurt and frankly I’m curious what you think is a better fit for me,” Lucy replied. Bob left her to explore the car’s features while he hurried back into the showroom, stopping briefly to log Lucy in at the kiosk so he didn’t get in trouble from management or another tongue lashing from Beatrice.
Thankfully, all her info was already in the system since she was an existing service customer. The task complete, Bob moved as fast as he could to the back lot, zeroing in on a burgundy-colored midsize car in the same trim level Lucy wanted. Thankfully, the car had already been prepped and cleaned.
The metallic flake in the paint glittered majestically in the sunlight as Bob pulled the car up to the front of the store slowly. He saw a smile grow on Lucy’s face when she saw the color, making sure to park it in front of the white car, to further emphasize the difference.
“Just because you’re a mom doesn’t mean you need to be boring. I think this is the color for you, not white or silver,” Bob said, waving his arm toward the car with a flourish.
“It’s…perfect I have to admit,” Lucy said, looking at the burgundy colored car. Bob kept quiet and giving her all the time that she needed to fall in love with the right car.
Path to the sale: 67%
“I know we’re just gathering information today for you Lucy, but why don’t I get you a brochure and as well as a deal sheet, so you have everything you need to decide what to do in the future,” Bob offered. This was the sticky part, where the customer always came up with an objection and tried to wiggle off the hook.
“I don’t know, I like the car, but I’m not sure I’m ready to spend so much money right now,” Lucy said.
“Don’t worry about that, I’m just going to get you the information you’ll need to decide in the future, no pressure right now. I think you can agree that I haven’t been a typical pushy car salesman,” Bob offered.
Path to the sale: 82%
“Sure Bob, that’s fair enough, lead the way,” Lucy relented.
Bob led her to his cubicle, getting her another cup of bad coffee while he printed up the deal sheet and checked in with the desk. The desk is what the sales manager area in the showroom was called. The manager’s desk was on a raised platform that enabled them to look down upon the lowly salespeople that they ruled over. The desk was also the place where the deals were cut.
Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.
Mike gave him a high five at finding a customer from service, and quickly printed out a deal sheet for Bob, who tuned out the rapid-fire tips the manager was telling him he needed to do to close the sale. Looking at the sheet, it was what they called the first pencil in the business. Typically, it gave little information other than a frightfully high price for the car and a correspondingly huge payment.
Deals were rarely closed on the first pencil, though legends exist of customers who would lay down at the first number given and pay what was asked. Bob had never experienced that particular miracle and hoped it would happen to him at least once in his career. Some salesman were afraid to show the high numbers to a customer, but Bob was well past that fear.
Bob brought the deal sheet to his office and began to explain the numbers to Lucy, completely ignoring the fact he hadn’t brought a brochure as he had promised. Brochures were a badge of failure for a salesman, a symbol that the customer hadn’t bought a car from them. A customer heading out the door with a brouchure in their hand with the salesman’s card stapled sadly to the side would trigger a berating from their sales manager every time.
The first pencil nearly knocked Lucy off her chair. Bob was seasoned enough to not worry when she pushed back on the price. That was the whole point of the first pencil, it was a way to start the negotiation and set expectations in the dealer’s favor. They went back and forth a few times on price, payment, loan details, and extra charges. Eventually, Bob had a deal that he was confident would work for her, but Lucy was still reluctant to pull the trigger.
She was wavering, forcing Bob to bring in his manager for a crack at putting a deal together. Bob wasn’t all that confident that Mike could close the deal, but he was obligated to let his boss try. After his manager left, Bob got back to work, pointing out the benefits of the new car, painting the picture of her driving it instead of the old bucket she had now. He could tell she was right there, right at the point of saying yes and needing only a small push to send her tumbling over the edge.
“I really didn’t plan on buying a car today,” Lucy said. Bob smiled as his percentage shot up, he never sold a car to anyone who hadn’t said at least once that they weren’t planning on buying a car today. The guys walking onto the showroom spouting “Who wants to sell a car today...” were the ones that never bought anything and wasted all your time.
Path to the sale: 98%
“I understand your reluctance Lucy, it’s only natural to hesitate when making a big decision. Answer this for me. Did we find you the right car to fit your needs and that you will enjoy for years to come?” Bob asked.
“I think I can say yes to that, but I don’t know if I can afford a car payment right now,” Lucy replied.
“Do you want to drive home in your old car with 150,000 miles on it, not to mention shelling out for a large repair bill today? How many times have you paid for repairs in the last year?” Bob asked, already knowing the answer after looking up the number of times her car had been in service.
“Way too much I suppose,” Lucy replied.
“I think you already have a car payment, Lucy. You have a car payment masquerading in the form of repair bills,” Bob said, sensing it was time to go for the kill.
“You remember what I said when we first met? I told you the last thing I would do today is to ask you to buy a car. This is the last thing I’ll do today for you; I’m asking you to buy the car, Lucy.
“You not only need it, you deserve it. No more picking your daughter up from school late and paying for aftercare because your car broke down. You’ll have a safe, reliable, and affordable car to drive.
“Your new car is going to be under warranty for five whole years, so you won’t have to wonder what’s going to break next and how much it’s going to cost. Do the right thing for you and your family…buy the car,” Bob said, shutting up as she processed everything. The first one to talk loses, so he was prepared to sit in silence for a long time.
“Ok, let’s do this,” Lucy finally relented. She heaved a sigh of relief, Bob recognized it when a customer made that sigh. It told the world “I’ve made a big decision”.
“You’ve made the right choice Lucy, I’ll get started on your paperwork and have your new car filled with gas and detailed to perfection,” Bob said. The remaining paperwork and car prep took the better part of the late morning and early afternoon to complete. After Lucy drove off with a smile and a crippling car payment, Bob returned to the showroom.
“Duuuudeee, way to go!” Javier said as Bob walked back in, giving his hand a strong shake. Car salesmen were big on shaking hands, both with customers and each other.
“Tell me how you found that customer? I walked the lot all morning and only found some old geezer that wandered out from service to kill time looking at cars,” Javier lamented.
“Javier, those service customers are great leads when the showroom traffic is slow. You should go back there and chat with them, that’s where I found the up I just sold,” Bob replied.
He was a little hesitant to tell Javier that at first, wanting to keep the fishing spot for himself before he remembered that it was Friday. Later in the afternoon on Friday’s, the showroom traffic picked up as people left work a little early if they needed to shop for a car. Taking Javier off the floor increased his chances of landing a fresh customer on the lot. There was now one less regular salesperson to contend with as Javier hustled back to the service waiting area to annoy the people waiting there.
“When’s the best time to sell a car, Bob?” His manager Mike asked, walking up to Bob from the sales tower.
“Right after you sold one boss,” Bob replied. He wasn’t sure of the psychology of it, but it was widely known in the industry that once you sold a car, you were more likely to close your next deal. The stupid Upgrade system seemed to agree with the old belief.
Best Time to Sell enhancement is now in effect. For the next three hours, you have a +1 bonus to salesmanship.
“I’m on it, Mike, just point me in the right direction,” Bob said with an enthusiasm he hadn’t felt in years. Mike pointed toward the lot and a car that was just pullin in. Another salesperson, Gloria, had spotted the customer and was heading toward the door, but Mike pointed at the customer’s car and rushed to the desk.
“Gloria to the sales manager's office, Gloria to the sales manager's office,” Mike’s voice buzzed over the PA system. Gloria cursed and headed back into the store, leaving Bob wide open to take the new customer. Managers were funny that way, if you were selling cars, they would bend the rules a little to give you an advantage. Bob scanned the approaching customers as he walked.
Potential sale rating: 1%
Uh, oh, a timewaster. Bob needed to find a way to ditch this one quickly. He was forced to greet them as Mike spied on him from the sales tower.
“Hello, folks, what brings you to our dealership today?” Bob asked as two grubby-looking men exited the vehicle.
“We just need parts,” one of the men grunted and started walking toward the showroom.
“There’s tons of parts all around you, we even conveniently put them all together into a car for you to drive home in,” Bob joked to the non-responsive pair.
It was a no-no to let them off the hook that easily, but since Bob had just sold a car, none of the managers would hassle him for not pursuing the customers. Mike looked at him behind the glass and just shrugged when he saw them walk into the parts department, realizing that the two were not here to buy a car and were just too stupid to see where the parts and service department parking area was.
The incident with the parts buyers didn’t stop Bob and he had a killer day. By the time the store closed, he had two and a half cars out for the day, having to split a deal with Javier when he was called in to help the weak salesman close the deal. The other full deal he got was an old couple looking at a used car. They were so enamored with the car and their salesman that they didn’t negotiate on the price, paying whatever the asking price was after Bob had the manager throw in some free oil changes.
“Good work today Bob, you clubbed that last couple like a pair of baby seals!” Dave the general manager said excitedly to Bob.
There was no remorse for ripping off a customer in this business, profit on a deal was all that mattered. So what if some old couple would have to scrimp and penny-pinch for the next five years to pay for the car, he didn’t hold a gun to their head to make them buy it.
Tired from his long but profitable shift, Bob got the ok from his manager to leave a couple of hours early. The showroom traffic had dried up and there were only a couple of people still working deals with customers by that time.
Dave called all the available salespeople into the sales tower, making a show of awarding Bob won both the cash spiffs for the day, netting the hundred-dollar prize for the first sale, and the hundred dollars for the top gross profit. The car business was one of the few that still handed out cash money for bonuses and incentives to their people.
Bob recalled the cash in hand incentives were known as “momma don’t know money” by the old-school sales folks. The stores knew that cash didn’t have to be revealed to the salesperson’s significant other like money in their next paycheck would be, resulting in it being a better motivator.
Before leaving, Bob made his way back into the car prep area where the lot attendants worked. He hadn’t been back there in a while since he hadn’t been selling many cars. He made a point to tip each of the prep guys ten bucks before leaving. Most salespeople didn’t know to do this, and it made certain that Bob’s customers’ cars were detailed and ready to go ahead of any of the others.
“Thanks, Bob! I appreciate it, man,” one of the prep guys told him.
“Yeah, Bob is the only guy who remembers to take care of the people who take care of him, you know,” Enrique, the head of the prep department said to the others. Enrique was given a twenty instead of the ten the other three guys had received, rank had its privileges.
“I do have some info for you Bob, the transport truck is in the back offloading some units. These are factory cars that aren’t in the system yet if you want to scope them out,” Enrique informed him.
It was rare, but occasionally the factory would ship an extra load of cars out for the store to keep on their lot when the manufacturer was overburdened with inventory. Sales had been slow, so the factory had its own storage lots filled to the brim. The dealer didn’t mind letting them be stored there as long as they had room since it was a way to have some free inventory for customers to look at.
Once the cars hit the ground, the factory inventory system would display them to all the dealers in the network, making them fair game for any store to sell. For that first day or so until they hit the system, the store they were being held at could sell them without any other dealers knowing they existed.
“Thanks, my friend, any Hammerhead’s in the mix?” Bob asked, knowing the answer would be no.
“You never know man, the factory does some crazy stuff sometimes, we were told not to touch them since they aren’t our responsibility and the service manager doesn’t want us to waste time cleaning up a car that will probably just be transferred to another store,” Enrique replied.
“Thanks, Enrique, I’ll go check them out before I leave,” Bob said, taking the long trek out to the secondary storage lot.
Darkness was falling and the service guys were all gone, making the back-lot area quiet and peaceful for once. He spotted the transport truck leaving, waving to the driver as he passed by. There were six sedans and two convertibles in the mix, nothing too exciting…until he spotted the truck!
Sitting off to the side, away from the others was the exact truck that the consultant Willie had told him he would buy. A cobalt grey pearl Hammerhead was gleaming under the humming lights of the back lot.
Bob rushed over to the truck to check if it was truly one from the factory and not a unit that was already sold. Yep, there it was the factory tag indicating it was one of the cars just dropped off the truck. Strangely, there was not a factory stock number on it which meant it wouldn’t appear in the system yet.
Nobody but Bob knew this truck existed and it was his to make a killing on. Mike would have to spend some time keying the truck into the system manually but that was no big deal for the huge gross profit the Hammerhead would bring.
There was no factory window sticker or lockbox on the window. Thankfully, the door had been left unlocked and Bob figured that the sticker and keys were still in the glove box where they usually were kept before a car was prepped. The door opened and the rich leather interior was inviting him into its comfortable embrace.
The new car smell was a bit off, but Bob hadn’t sat in a Hammerhead for a long time since they were always sold out. He shut the door and began to root around inside the center storage console, noting with a chuckle that the truck was equipped with the BossenKarmen sound system that Willie had requested. The guy had the money to burn, and Bob was pretty confident that he would honor their deal at twenty percent over sticker price.
“Going to be another top gross profit bonus day for me tomorrow,” Bob said as he dug toward the bottom of the console for the window sticker and the keys. He would need to place a sold tag in the truck pronto to keep the other salesmen off it.
“AHHHHHHHH!” Bob screamed as the lid to the center console slammed into his arm. The console had a ring of sharp edges on it that dug into his right forearm just below his elbow. Visions of suing the manufacturer for a faulty product faded as the pain intensified. The sharp edges on the console now looked like teeth and the whole thing began to chew, his arm now crunching loose and falling into the center console, which swallowed it down.
Bob tried to open the door, only to find it locked. When he grasped the door handle, it too lashed out, severing two of his fingers. Bob watched as his lifeblood spurted from the stump of his arm and fingers. Shock set in, leaving Bob to sit there helplessly as the seat transformed into a giant maw, devouring the car salesman.
The Upgrade played one last trick on him just before his life painfully ended, showing Bob what had caused this fate. The ignorant Bob had no idea what the name of the creature even meant.
Master Mimic, Level 15 elite.
***
Mimics are a well-known foe to most gamers, but to the uninitiated, they prove deadly even to this day. A master mimic can read the surface thoughts of its victim, creating a convincing, yet still imperfect version of what the intended victim expects to see. The mimic that caught Bob was never found, for all I know it is out there to this day, taking different forms and feeding when it can.
All they found at the dealership the next day were Bob’s bloody clothes and the cheap knockoff watch that he wore. The police closed the case as being death to mysterious and Upgrade related circumstances. I came across Bob’s sad tale while looking through some unsolved police case files, those files are a treasure trove of stories, even if most lead to dead ends.
Mimics and the creatures like them can’t be blamed for doing what they do, it’s just programmed into their nature. Humans, on the other hand, can intelligently plan and premeditate their actions, using various methods to stalk their prey, as we’ll see in our next story…