Pabis One was a jewel of a world with warm pastel blue seas and trees that reached the sky. There were jungles, beaches, casinos, brothels and any other number of accommodations a being could hope for.

The amphibious Ranay welcomed visitors to their homeworld with open, if somewhat slimy, arms. They had worked hard to make Pabis One a place where any being regardless of species could really let loose and enjoy themselves.

Murdering the human ambassador was proving much harder than Ambassador Grimk of the Pabis diplomatic corps had expected. Usually when a foreign diplomat refused to do what they wanted it was standard procedure to arrange for them to have a little accident and hope that their replacement was more willing to see reason.

And it wasn't like they even tried to keep their activities secret. Everyone knew what kind of things happened on Pabis, yet they still came. Probably at least in part because the favored method of execution on Pabis was to give the unwanted diplomat unlimited access to alcohol, drugs and extreme sports then wait for the problem to sort itself out naturally.

But this human… something was different about it. Grimk watched in awe as the human in its obnoxiously bright multi color flowing shirt and pants downed another container of alcohol and crushed the metal can one handed with no apparent effort.

Their attempts to goad it into a drinking contest had resulted in no less than sixteen Pabissian fatalities and a truly astronomical bar tab with no apparent ill effects on the human.

Calypso "Cal" Calloway the Third wandered over to Grimk's table. "Do you think they have any more of those sushi bites?" He asked.

The Ambassador put his slimy head in his hands and fought the urge to scream. The "Sushi Bites" in question had been trained devil squids with a venom strong enough to paralyze a medium to large creature. Apparently the human had mistaken them for food and before Grimk could stop him had begun dunking them in a fermented bean sauce from his homeworld before consuming them whole.

According to Cal they were similar to a human delicacy called calamari and he enjoyed the taste even if they made his lips tingle a bit.

"I'm sorry but you ate them all." Grimk managed to croak.

"Damn." Cal said as he reached into his pocket and produced a bottle of pills. Customs had flagged them as illegal stimulants but Grimk had decided that they might come in handy later so he had returned them to the grateful human ambassador.

"You want some? You seem tired." Cal asked as he swallowed a lethal dose of the stimulant.

"No, thank you. I don't feel like dying right now but I may change my mind later." Grimk looked up at the clock. It had been over six hours since the human arrived, a full day night cycle, yet somehow it was still conscious. Apparently they didn't need much sleep. "How are you feeling?" He prompted.

The human shrugged. "I'm a little jet lagged but the trip over was alright."

"So no sense of impending organ failure?" Grimk pressed.

"Not that I know of." Replied the human cheerfully. "I've always been extremely healthy."

"Fuck." Cursed Grimk, weighing his options. It looked like he was going to have to do things the old fashioned way. "Come join me on the skybridge, the view of the rising sun is quite exquisite."

"Right on!" The human said with visible excitement. "Lead the way."

---

It was a new day, the sun was shining and the people of the pleasure world of Pabis One were walking around enjoying all that life had to offer.

Unfortunately, Ambassador Grimk was not enjoying himself very much at the moment, even if the view from his office was stunning.

Grimk's plan to push the human ambassador off the sky bridge to his death earlier that morning had hit a small snag which had then unraveled into a much larger tangle. Grimk had only turned his back on the human for a moment, just one fucking moment, but that had been enough.

All he had heard was a muffled shout of "Geronimo!" as the human ambassador leaped from the bridge with his drink still in hand. Grimk had been surprised by this turn of events but not as surprised as he was a few minutes later when the human ambassador returned soaking wet and grinning.

Things had only gotten worse from there. The human had returned to the bar to "get a good buzz going" and by the time he finished Grimk's staff were all either too drunk, stoned, or dead to keep track of him.

It had been a simple plan, simple was best when it came to these sorts of things. All they had to do was give the human enough drugs and booze to kill him so that a new ambassador would be assigned to the trade talks.

Yet somehow they had managed to fail so spectacularly that the tabloids had already picked up the story of the unkillable party animal human. Within the hour his boss would be calling him expecting an explanation, and probably blood.

Grimk turned to his two remaining staff and demanded answers. "How is that fucking ape still alive? He should be dead or in a coma."

"It's the Humans sir… their biology is different than we had anticipated." Attendant Thull croaked, his slick skin turning fully blue from shame. "We didn't know what we were dealing with until it was too late. The data packet their diplomatic corp sent ahead was either corrupted or intentionally falsified."

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And indeed there lay the crux of the matter. Grimk had reviewed the packet himself and either the humans really could survive in temperatures low enough to freeze water solid or someone was playing silly buggers.

"Where is the human now?" He asked.

Thull shifted awkwardly. "Um… we aren't entirely sure. He was last seen boarding a boat with some Kuvari. So dead… hopefully."

The attendant looked down at his broken foot. He had kicked the human in the side of the head with lethal force last night. He might as well have kicked a bulkhead for all the good it did.

The creature had just laughed at Thull and bought him a drink, seemingly unaffected and unfazed by the act of violence.

Thull snapped back to reality as a series of loud booming impacts shook the office. Someone was knocking on the door, and judging by the dents that were appearing in the thin metal it was probably that damned human.

"Deal with this tonight or I'll have your liver for breakfast." Grimk threatened his subordinate. "Negotiations on the new trade route start tomorrow. Come sun up that human either needs to be on our side or in the ground, your choice."

"Yes, Ambassador." Thull croaked sullenly. He looked over to Null, the other attendant who had been suspiciously silent this whole time. "Any ideas rattling around in that empty head of yours?"

"Unfortunately, no. I'll review the data packet and see if I can come up with something." Null had that gleam in his big lamp-like eyes that meant he was planning some kind of mischief but Thull decided it was probably better if he didn't know the specifics.

"You had better open that door before he breaks it down." Ambassador Grimk prompted.

With a groan Thull walked over to the door and let the human ambassador in. "Hello Ambassador Calloway. I trust you had a restful day after our festivities last night."

"Please, all my friends just call me Cal." Replied Calypso Calloway the Third who was looking out of place in his borrowed clothing. Ranay and humans were about the same size even if they had drastically different proportions so the vibrant silks hung loose on his lanky frame.

Cal looked around awkwardly. "Actually… I was wondering if you could show me where I'll be staying. You all seemed so excited to show me the sights that I never got a chance to check into my hotel."

Thull and Null shared a look. "So where did you sleep?" Thull asked. Surely he hadn't bunked with the Kuvari… had he?

The human laughed. "I didn't. I mean I probably should have but I got distracted. Your planet is just so beautiful."

Grimk twitched in his chair. "How often do your people need sleep?" He asked.

The human let out a shy grin. "Once in college I stayed up for six days straight."

"And how long are your days?" Grimk prompted.

Cal shrugged. "Standard Earth days are twenty four hours. Mars gets an extra hour. So it depends on who you ask." He looked around the room and noticed the looks of disbelief from his hosts as their translation software did the necessary math.

"I just assumed our meeting earlier was like a brunch or something." He said sheepishly.

"Brunch? What is a brunch?" Grimk asked.

"Oh it's great, it's like if breakfast got up late and decided to throw a party. They say there's nothing like mimosas made with fresh squeezed orange juice to cure a hangover."

Cal reached into his pocket and produced a small metal flask. "Me, I prefer other methods. Anyone want some tequila? I get it for free because I'm an ambassador."

The lamp eyed amphibians looked at the flask with curiosity. Was this the secret to the human's survival? Could it be some kind of antidote or remedy?

"What exactly is this… tequila?" Grimk pressed. "Does it have restorative properties? What is it made of?"

Cal's face lit up. "Well, this is premium tequila made from the finest agave then aged to perfection in real oak barrels, there's nothing like it in the whole universe. It's forty-two percent alcohol by volume and-"

"Excuse me," Attendant Thull interrupted. "Did you say that this tequila you drink is over forty percent alcohol?"

"Yes…" Cal furrowed his brow in confusion. "Is that a problem? I mean, one of my roommates back at New Chico State used to make moonshine and that was nearly eighty percent."

He unscrewed the cap of his flask and immediately the room was flooded with the stench of alcohol. Cal took a sip and smiled with satisfaction. "See, it's harmless." He said.

The assembled ranay shared a look of shock and horror. Their strongest drinks were less than five percent! And even then they served them in finger sized glasses from specially marked bottles so nobody got served the wrong thing by mistake.

With a sickening feeling in his stomach Grimk realized that the data packet the humans had sent over was real. They really did come from a death world that froze in the winter and baked in the summer. These were unkillable beings that jumped from bridges for fun and stayed up for days at a time.

Grimk wouldn't be able to remove the ambassador before the trade negotiations started. There was simply no way he could kill this crazy ape in time. And once news of this failure reached his boss Grimk would be stripped of his status and tortured to death.

He looked at the flask in Cal's hand. "You know what, I think I'll try some of your tequila." Grimk said, "And I'm a little tired so I'll take a few of those stimulant pills too if you can spare them."

Attendant Thull didn't hesitate. He knew that he would share their boss's punishment for failure. "I would also like to try your tequila." Thull said before turning to look at Attendant Null. "What about you?"

"I'll make my own fun later, I've got some things that need to be taken care of first." Null said with a dismissive wave of his hand. "I have to see Cal back to his hotel."

Grimk grabbed two glasses from the cabinet and watched as Cal split the contents of the flask equally between them. The ranay ambassador swallowed the stimulant pill and reached for one of the glasses of death liquid. Thull took the other one and tossed it back like a shot before falling back into his chair.

What had the human called out when he jumped off the bridge? "Geronimo!" Grimk shouted before downing the whole thing in one gulp.

"Do you like it?" Cal asked. "El Coqui is like, the best tequila ever. I was super surprised when my dad told me he had pulled some strings and asked them to make me a brand ambassador. It was a huge honor. But really, how does it taste?"

"It's to die for." Croaked Grimk, feeling his body beginning to shut down from the toxin. He stumbled back to his desk and took a seat, trying to retain his composure. He was past the point of no return, nothing could save him now. But it would be nice to finally be able to get some rest.

Something Cal had said clicked in Grimk's mind as he sat there waiting to die. "What's the difference between a brand ambassador and a regular ambassador?" He asked.

"Oh it's like I was explaining to Null yesterday. I'm a brand ambassador so I represent the company, do promotions, and attend parties. It's pretty cool." Cal smiled. "Now my dad, Calypso Calloway the Second, he's a political ambassador like you."

"Fuck." Grimk said with a cough as he looked over at soon to be Ambassador Null. They had picked up the wrong Calloway at the spaceport."You knew this?"

"Of course." Null said happily as he looked around what would soon be his new office. "Cal here has offered to put a few favorable words in his father's ear about the upcoming trade deal. I believe that if the deal goes through the way we want it to, and I don't see why it wouldn't, things could be incredibly lucrative for all parties involved."

"Hey, and I love parties." Cal said with a click of his tongue and a finger guns gesture. "Anyway, I really need to get back to the hotel."

"I'll drive you." Null volunteered, ushering Cal to the door.

Grimk waited for Null to leave before he turned to Thull and spoke. His speech was slurred but he managed to make himself understood. "Fucking humans…" He whispered.