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Tales from the Meatverse: A HFY Anthology
Herbicidal Maniacs Chapter 5

Herbicidal Maniacs Chapter 5

"Would you care to explain to me why you set a bounty on a member of my family and her protector?" The very annoyed Gershwin asked as he appeared in the office of a kinter detective named Kivu. "I was wondering who was responsible, who would even bother with a bounty when so much else was going on? Then I saw your name and it all made sense."

The kinter gave him a side eye, not that she had much choice, she was a herbivore after all. The kinter were tall and slim, fast movers, with tan fur, white tails, and an almost maddening ability to hold a grudge.

Relations between them and the humans had become strained during the drekan-kinter war when certain facts came to light. Namely that the human faction known as the demons were using the gullible kinter as livestock and killing off anyone who noticed or rebelled. That hadn't gone over well.

When the kinter had discovered that the demons were using them to get around a loophole in human law they had given them a swift kick in the ass and sent them packing. And nothing kicked like a two meter tall speedgoat.

Kivu shrugged her narrow shoulders. "They killed an undercover police officer."

Gershwin summoned the video. A 3D recording of the crime played out on Kivu's cluttered desk. Himry fell across a half eaten salad, his body riddled with bullets. "As you can see he ambushed them. Also, Joan had previously reported the man in question for stalking. So if you can't see what happened here either you're incompetent, or biased."

"I'm not incompetent." Kivu said as she pulled her lunch away from the fallen drekan. To her annoyance the image stayed with the plate as if anchored. She looked up at Gershwin with hatred then began to eat the salad anyway, stabbing the greens and vegetables with her fork a bit more forcibly than was necessary.

"Your actions would beg to differ." Gershwin growled. "Luckily I was able to persuade your police chief to see reason and rescind the bounty. It was a good kill."

"The rest of the officers won't see it that way. They'll want revenge for one of their own, even if he was a scumbag." Kivu smiled human style, showing her gold capped teeth. "They're on their way now. Maybe the drekan is already dead."

"He is! Congratulations, all you've done is earn Himry a temporary vacation in Valhalla. As for the rest, my sensors tell me that the second team is about to arrive. They seem unprepared for the level of hell Joan is about to release on them. She is one of Eden's descendants after all, even if she does take after Nemeria."

"They do have a gunship." Kivu shrugged again. "But don't worry, if they are unsuccessful in enacting their little revenge I won't send anyone else."

"Good." Gershwin said before he vanished.

Kivu rubbed the golden inlays on her short straight horns. Some would assume that her dislike of the drekan was because of their bloody history with her people. Which was, if she was being completely honest, a major contributing factor. However it wasn't the only reason why she wanted Himry dead before he could fully join the collective.

The hunds had a belief that anyone, any species, could be saved. However the drekan were unapologetic killers who had no redeeming qualities beyond their lust for blood. But hunds were already nearly perfect soldiers, so what did they need the drekan for? What purpose did they serve? None that she could see.

The drekan were already in a state of decline. The war and the feeder virus had thinned their numbers beyond the point of no return. By her estimate they were a few generations away from dying out completely. The ones that survived today were just the last gasping breaths of an empire that had once conquered entire star systems.

But if they were to ally with the hunds, they might escape their fate. They could rebuild. Then what? Would history repeat itself? Would the drekan look to the stars with hunger again?

It simply wasn't worth the risk. There was nothing to gain and everything to lose by giving the drekan a second chance. She needed to make sure that Himry was dealt with before he could fully join the collective. He was the seed the hunds were placing all their hope into. Kill it, and so died any chance of the drekan being restored.

Kivu reached out her hand and felt a reassuring chill as a weapon jumped into her leathery palm. It didn't look like much, just a textured black metal bar maybe a thumb's width thick and half a meter in length. But it could kill. Oh it could kill anyone.

*-----

The ice wind was as cold as the heart of a woman scorned. It cut through Himry's naked fur, it went right to the bone. Yet still he walked on. Frozen as he was.

Eventually he came across a single story long house, the emblem on the door was a pair of crossed axes and from inside he could hear the sounds of shouting.

He put his shoulder to the heavy wooden door, felt it creak, give, and finally open. Himry breathed a sigh of relief as he felt the warm air begin to thaw his frozen whiskers.

Inside he found naked hunds of all kinds engaged in various forms of revelry. They were drinking from tankards, consuming legs of meat the size of their heads, and fighting. There was so much fighting. He watched as two hunds with long brown and black fur danced over hot coals barefoot while hacking at each other with hand axes.

They seemed evenly matched as they fought. But then the larger one took a blow that split his skull and his body collapsed into a shower of hot coals, feeding the fire. The winner danced towards Himry, her feet leaving black marks in the fire pit.

"A tiikeri in Valhalla?" She said with a laugh as she scooped up a tankard of what smelled like beer from one of the tables. It refilled itself as if by magic once her hand touched it. "Now I have seen everything! Come! You are welcome here!"

Then she took a comically long drink from the tankard, opening her mouth fully and pouring enough beer down her throat to drown a lesser creature. "Yes!" She shouted, grabbing him by the arm and looking into his eyes. "Can you feel it?"

"Feel what?" Himry asked, feeling confused and overwhelmed.

"Life!" She shouted, handing him a tankard of his own.

"But aren't we dead?" Himry asked, confused as to why his drink was empty.

"Yes!" She said happily. "We are the fortunate dead, the warriors, those that live on forever! Now drink!"

The tankard remained empty in Himry's hand. He turned it over slowly. "I think mine is broken."

"Bah! You have to decide what you want first! Just like anything else in life, you must know what you want! Otherwise you get what you get!"

What did he want? Of course, if he could have anything there was only one answer.

"I'd like… fevrin!" Himry shouted as he brought the tankard to his lips, remembering a spiced rum drink from his homeworld. It had been literal lifetimes since the last time he tasted it. He imagined the fine bubbles, the syrupy rum, the way the native spices made the tip of his tongue tingle and go numb. His father had promised to raise a glass with him when he returned. Of course, that had never happened.

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It was as good as he remembered. But also he couldn't shake the melancholic thought that something so essential to his people, so basic in its production, was now only the stuff of memories and dreams. Because there was no more fevrin anymore. The spice trees were all gone. Just like the pride of his people they had withered into nothingness.

"Ah…" The long haired hund sighed. "Does it taste like loss?"

"Yes." Himry admitted.

"Mine does too." She handed over the tankard. "Döbian honey hefeweizen, my sons made a batch for their father to remind him of home. Unfortunately, we left the kegs out in the cold and it gets very cold in Sühi. So they froze, all but one burst. The one that was left over… it was concentrated like ice wine but still full of bubbles."

They swapped drinks and Himry took a sip. It was good, so good. There was no burn as the malty rich brew whispered down his throat.

The long haired hund smiled. "Smooth and sweet, but strong as whiskey it was. We didn't realize how strong until we each finished a glass. By then…"

Himry could already feel it taking effect. "By then what?"

"Oh, well let's just say we added a few pups to the family that night!" She laughed. "It always reminds me of him, my soft sweet southern Döbian. He built this place, you know?"

"Valhalla?" Himry looked around drunkenly. He needed food to counteract the alcohol. "It seems nice. Got any tacos?"

"Perhaps." She handed him a plate. It was empty.

There was a moment when Himry sat down at the table that he realized something was off. Perhaps it was the fact that besides the female hund that had greeted him, nobody else seemed to notice or acknowledge him. He looked around, everyone seemed to be having a good time, there was no apparent danger. So what was wrong? Why didn't he trust this place?

He watched a Döbian hund devour a plate of meat, wash it down with some ale, then belch happily and summon more food. But as Himry watched, he began to realize that it was the same motions over and over again. It was a loop.

The hund ate, he drank, then he repeated. Over and over again. Forever. Himry looked at the empty plate. Was that what would happen to him if he ate here? Would he be ensnared by it?

"What happens if I eat the food?" Himry asked, making sure not to touch the plate.

"Nothing bad, it's just food." She laughed and summoned a platter of what looked like tacos but for some reason had a hard yellow corn shell and against all reason, black olives. "Are these tacos?"

"No… maybe…" Himry looked at them with curiosity. "I'm not sure." Joan probably would not have considered them to be real tacos. He stopped, remembering how he had gotten here. "I have to get back to Joan, she needs me."

"Don't worry." The hund reassured him. "Time flows differently here in Valhalla. Your body is repairing itself as we speak, soon it will be ready for you to inhabit once more. But in the meantime, I thought it might be good for us to talk and perhaps train."

Himry looked around at the hunds caught in their endless loops. "I don't trust you." He said. "I want to go back now."

"Listen, tiikeri. You are in my domain, that means you are under my care and you will stay here until I judge that you are ready to return." She leaned forward and growled, it was low and menacing. "I don't expect you to blindly follow like some herd animal. Valhalla is for warriors. Respect and trust are to be earned, not begged for or demanded. Earned, it must always be earned!" She slammed her fist on the table.

He wasn't sure how it happened but the next thing Himry knew he was standing in a snowy treeline, thankfully no longer naked. He looked down at his feet, a younger version of the hund was belly down in the snow holding an antique scoped rifle with a long suppressor. She wore a white parka and a look of extreme concentration. Her breath created the faintest hint of steam in the cold air.

Slowly she tilted her head to the side, taking a mouthful of snow and holding it. The steam stopped.

Off in the distance, maybe a kilometer away in a little valley, a group of hunds in gray coats were circled around a campfire for warmth, their armored vehicles blocking the worst of the wind and providing some cover. They were Döbians and their short fur was no match for the cold winter of Sühi. One of them went off into the snow to take a piss. The rising steam acting as a wind flag.

She took aim, held her breath, and slowly squeezed the trigger. The rifle she used was an 8.6mm bolt action with no aim stabilizers, no laser rangefinder, no electronics of any kind. Not even an illuminated reticle. The light anti-materiel rifle recoiled against her shoulder, the suppressor doing its best to reduce the blast.

There was a supersonic crack as a 19.44 gram projectile left the barrel. It traveled for 1.59 seconds before slamming into the snow low and to the right of the pissing hund. He looked around in confusion, his dick still in his hand, not realizing yet that he was being hunted.

"Up a bit, Ani." She said to herself as she worked the action, corrected her point of aim, then fired again. By now the other hunds were looking around, trying to locate the source of the shot. But the suppressor had done its job and helped to mask her shooting position. They could hear the bullet's supersonic crack, but not where it had come from.

The second bullet caught the pissing hund at the base of the spine. He yelped in shock and surprise as his legs collapsed and his guts exploded out into the snow, painting it red. He was still alive, alive and screaming.

Ani carefully chose her next target. This was a hund peeking over the top of one of the vehicles, scanning with his rifle. He was looking in the wrong direction with his back towards her. She took aim, trying to hit him high, trying to give the impression that she was shooting from the opposite tree line.

She pulled the trigger and his head disappeared in a puff of gore. The heavy round had fully decapitated him. The response from the other soldiers was predictable, they stacked up against the armored vehicle and began laying down suppressing fire.

One even managed to get to a belt fed grenade launcher and start leveling sections of forest, looking for her. But he was shooting in the wrong direction and his placement behind the weapon made him a stationary target. Ani politely, but firmly, put a round through his back armor plate.

The squad continued to lay down fire, believing that their attacker was in the forest in front of them. With metered pace and excellent precision Ani picked them off one at a time. Her hand carefully working the bolt of her rifle, not hurrying. Sometimes she shot soldiers, sometimes she disabled equipment, sometimes she even missed. But bit by bit the work got done.

Eventually the soldiers realized their error. They didn't know where she was yet and were firing wildly in all directions. A few tried to get into the vehicles and drive away, only to realize that while the cabins were armored, the motors weren't. Those vehicles weren't going anywhere.

Ani counted the corpses. There had been sixteen soldiers, there were a dozen bodies. She saw two soldiers in one of the vehicles, so where were the remaining survivors?

Carefully she scanned the terrain but couldn't see them. It was time to shake the tree. She reached into her jacket pocket and triggered the remote detonator. At first nothing happened, then from the tree line a few hundred meters to her left came a loud pop, followed by another every few seconds. The firecrackers even kicked up some snow, mimicking the sound and blast of an unsuppressed rifle.

Soon they took the bait and a line of tracer fire erupted from underneath one of the trucks, cutting into the tree line. Ani didn't have a shot, not from this angle. She considered moving, but decided against it.

She took aim at the fuel tank of the vehicle the soldiers with the machine gun were sheltering beneath. They really should have been driving the newer electric ones with the better armor and sensors but Sühi hadn't been a priority area and the batteries didn't do well in the cold.

The round punched through both sides of the tank, spilling fuel out onto the ground and the soldiers beneath. They stopped firing immediately. They knew that even one spark could ignite the gasoline pouring down on them.

She switched magazines, loaded an armor-piercing high explosive incendiary round and took aim. The gasoline wouldn't explode when it was inside the gas tank, there just wasn't the right fuel air mixture. In fact, it would hardly burn. But now that it was all over the ground…

The soldiers screamed as they were engulfed in flames. Ani took aim at the second vehicle. It had a Jerry can of fuel strapped to the back. She shot it, watched the fuel spray over the vehicle, lighting it on fire.

Now they had a choice to make, burn to death or take their chances with the sniper that had killed their entire squad.

"Would you rather die quick or slow, my darlings?" Ani whispered to her prey as she switched magazines.

Himry watched the carnage with a mix of horror and appreciation. "Fucking hell…" He said as the two soldiers decided to run for it instead of burn.

Two shots rang out across the cold winter snow. Two more bodies fell. Ani put in a fresh magazine and waited. She slowly leaned her head to the side and took a mouthful of snow, hiding the steam from her breath.

Himry felt a hand on his shoulder. "Would you like to learn?" Asked Ani, the real Ani. She radiated power and authority like a war goddess made flesh. "Do you want to become strong enough to keep those you love safe?"

"Yes." Himry said. "Oh yes."