I’m crying. What a fool. Crying is the sign of weak woman. My mother said it, my big sisters Ruby and Jade said it. I guess I’m truly a weakling, because after a single day with this man, spoiling me with his kindness, my weakness shines like a purple bruise to the forehead.

I woke because of my nose’s call, like some sort of wildwood beast. And I saw that I had slept so well, so contentedly, that I had missed my husband being back. I wasn’t there to make his breakfast, or even greet him.

And it all hit me at once. Besides my lips that one time; what have I so far given him in my marriage?

Nothing.

What could I give him, when I was also too cowardly to even offer up my body?

Nothing.

My father would be ashamed of me. The world is all about equivalent exchange, isn’t it? He always said so.

‘Lapis, you need to listen, be compliant and marry. It’s not about what you want. It’s about what you give.’

‘Lapis, you need to be better at your studies so that you can do a good job! No man, no workplace and no magister will give anything to a sloppy spellcaster!’

‘Lapis, society has no use for weak women. You’re a mage, you must be strong. And if you can’t be strong, you only have your body to give away to someone strong.’

I thought these things were gospel for so long, so I followed them. They were my armour. I would do exactly as I was meant to, and all would be right.

And as it all falls away; what am I? What DO I WANT?

All I ever wanted… was someone to praise me, to say, ‘I don’t care’, to say, ‘you’re not alone’.

I have that now, right? But I’m still crying…

I wonder why that is?

. . .

You can only cry so much, though.

You can only dry heave afterwards so much as well.

And now, all is silent. I finally decide to get up; finding it funny that I am reluctant to move. But I do, and I sit back down on the seat I originally came from.

“Do you want to jump in the shower?” He says.

“I’m sorry I smell.” I automatically reply.

“Hah…” He sighs and puts his hands up as if in surrender. “Why do women always do that?”

I… I don’t know actually. It does sound very snippy of me, doesn’t it? I haven’t looked at my face but I’m sure it’s a wreck from crying and that’s all he means.

“Okay, yes, Lapis. You smell.” He smiles.

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“WHAT?!?” I splutter.

“You smell very nice since you’re a girl. And now, I’m sexually harassing you, aren’t I? A man can’t win…”

Ugh. I dip my head and start wringing my hands.

“I… I’ll go and take a shower.” My tone is grouchy as hell because part of me doesn’t want to admit defeat. But what am I even fighting for here?

“Heh. Get ready, and we’ll go on a date, ok?”

A date? What?!?

. . .

In the end, I did my hair in a fishtail braid after washing it carefully, and settled for wearing the floral blouse and blue waistcoat with the long white skirt. With my coat and scarf and thick white leggings, it should be warm enough.

I glare at myself in the mirror. I think I look okay. Barely acceptable. I miss Donna randomly correcting parts of my outfit after I dress, and for some reason that seems to make a huge difference. I decide to pop on some makeup as I can’t decide what else to change.

After a dusting of foundation, I pop some rouge on my cheeks, and do my lashes, then I press my lips together to apply some lip gloss. The kissy motion of it makes me remember kissing again.

BAD! Stop!

The knock on the door at that inappropriate moment nearly gives me a heart attack.

“Y-yes! I’m coming! I’m ready!” I manage to splutter.

I give myself a last look. Fine.

. . .

“I never knew about this place.” I mention.

“Victor- uh… I mean, Sophia Park? You’ve never been here?” He asks. Who’s Victor?

“Nope. It’s pretty nice.” I nod, discarding the thought.

“Huh. Well, I used to walk through here quite a lot on my way back from school as a child. I liked sitting by the fountain, listening to the trains hammering past on the tracks nearby.” He scratches his cheek.

I chuckle. How carefree. “Then, let’s do that.” I smile.

He chuckles as well, and we sit on an old bench. The park is deserted, apart from us. It’s not a likely date spot, after all, on a crisp December morning. But the silence is somehow nice.

Just as I think that, a co-ordinated spray jets from the fountain, shapes itself into dolphins in the air, and then falls down in a splash.

“Dolphins… huh… that didn’t… well…” He mumbles.

When I peek at him from the side, he looks surprised, but shakes his head. I like the goofy expressions he makes, for some reason.

“Father used to hate decorations like this; they would waste magical power, and so waste money, just for show.” I tell him.

And I guess that makes it doubly therapeutic from my perspective. I can’t help but laugh to myself.

And apparently on schedule, there is a ‘chu-kuu-ka-klak’ noise as an electric train hammers over the nearby bridge. It’s a violent sound, the hammering together of two hunks of metal in a crashing symphony.

“At least ~that’s~ just how I remember.” He whispers something I don’t understand, but he seems happy about it, I suppose.

Walking back from school is as alien in thought to me as the concept of just sitting on a park bench to listen. I would be driven back from St. Robertina’s, and then go straight into etiquette practice, then music lessons.

I look to him again. He looks… how do I describe it? Wistful? Is that what it’s called? It feels like it’s an expression I wouldn’t understand until today. Like something is missing and you’ve only just realised it’s gone. It makes my heart ache, for some reason.

“Whilst we wait for life, life passes.” He whispers.

“Huh?” I tilt my head.

“Nevermind. It’s pretty cold isn’t it? Shall we move onto towards the Commercial Centre? There is something I want to pick up there to give to you, even though it’s a bit late.”

“A present? How could it be late? We barely met yesterday…” I quip, giggling.

“Right. Well… ahem, you’ll see.”

He’s such a weirdo. I wonder when I started thinking I wanted him to be my weirdo, though?

. . .

What is going on!?!

For some reason, he has just gone down on one knee in front of me, and is offering me up a ring in a box. In public! In a store! Seconds after picking up said ring!

“Lapis; I know I sound like a broken old record by now, but would you do me the honour of marrying me?”

Some people start clapping; but I’m still just looking at him, looking at me, and don’t know what’s happening.

“Uh… I know this is weird for you. This is a… it’s a normie custom. I’m supposed to give you a ring before I marry you. So, that’s why this is late.” He mutters, looking aside. He looks embarrassed! Is that what this is? How weird. So, it’s like an inauguration ceremony? Well, I guess that’s fine.

“Uh... Okay?” I clear my throat. “Ahem! I ACCEPT YOUR FEALTY! RISE MY HUSBAND!” I shout, raising my arm.

Did I do it right?