I woke up pretty lost as to what happened, or to where i was. This happens really often... but before i could wake get into the usual grumpiness, and the usual routine of sighing, complaining about something, and getting up...
I felt a pretty unusual weight on my chest. I was going to reach for my phone with my left arm, but...
As soon as i tried, i realized that my left arm was currently holding the girl that's sleeping soundly in my chest right now.
Yes. Right now, Anri is sleeping peacefully in my chest, and i am currently hugging her.
Regardless of the incredibly panicked thoughts i have right now about how this happened, how cute she is, how much i love her and a LOT of other things... i have another question.
How long has it been since i fell asleep?
To start off, i didn't even expect her to fall asleep with me. I usually sleep terribly to begin with, and working a morning shift did not help me at all with how tired i was.
Sure, i was playing pretend in front of Anri because there was something important at hand that i wanted to talk with her, but after i stopped being so tense, and i relaxed talking with her i fell asleep in record time.
I actually expected her to just leave me here and i thought i'd wake up to her doing something else, or to at the very worst her sleeping in another place.
But no. Here she is, right next to me. I really don't know how this ended up happening, but i can't say i have any complaints about it.
After all, why would i complain about having the girl i like sleep while cuddling with me? If anything, this might pretty much be a dream come true.
Wait, what am i even thinking about? I have something else to answer right now.
I reached for the curtain next to the bed with my right arm, and i moved it just a little bit to see...
It is currently, pitch black outside.
Did we sleep the whole afternoon?!
That's at the very least twice as much as i sleep in the middle of the day when i feel down.. that's quite concerning? Or i don't know if it really is, but even so im quite confused right now...
I moved a little bit so i could reach my phone, and it was 10:47pm.
It had been around 5 hours.
—I can't say i really don't feel at peace completely here, though...
—That's good to know, so can you stop moving now, Mizuno-senpai?... —Anri whispered, and she started yawning as i probably woke her up.
—Im sorry, was it a little too much? —i spoke very softly as i stared at her tired, yet beautiful eyes.
—Not really... i woke up a little before you started panicking, i just didn't feel like moving. —she hid her face in my chest again as she told me the last part.
—That makes me feel a little better. Did you sleep well? —i asked her jokingly, as i gave her a cheeky smile.
—Honestly, i slept a little too well... your drowsiness is pretty contagious, Mizuno-senpai.
—It's your fault. Who pushed us both into the bed to begin with?
—That did not happen.
—Yes it did. Also, cut it out with the "Mizuno-senpai". —i kept teasing her as i stopped holding her in my arms and looked away.
—Im sorry, okay? I just woke up and forgot... —Anri spoke nervously.
I tried looking back at her, but she was avoiding my gaze.
—You're really going to get embarassed at that in the situation that we're in right now?
—Okay, that's enough. Im sorry. Okay, Haruna? —she spoke without stuttering and in a really clear voice.
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—You get a pass for that. —i smiled at her as i wrapped my arms around her again.
I couldn't really see her face as she snuggled herself in my chest, but im sure that her smile is just as big as mine right now.
I completely ignored the fact that it's incredibly late and that i probably well missed the train back home, and just took this moment in as much as i could.
About 5 minutes or so passed where we just didn't speak at all, and it would have been perfect if i fell back asleep again, but i had a question lingering in my heart that i really wanted to ask, as much as it could probably take this one moment of sheer bliss away.
—Anri... are you okay with us being like this?
—Maybe. What do you mean with "like this"? —she spoke softly.
—Exactly as you think. You don't do any of this with just about anyone. —my voice trembled a bit as i realized i might be rushing both of us.
—I know, but it's with you, Haruna. So that's why im okay with it.
—Then... you probably know how i feel, right?
—It probably can't get any more obvious at this point, don't you think?
—Then is it oka...
Anri covered my mouth with her hand and didn't let me finish my sentence.
—It is okay... but i don't want to give these feelings and our relationship a name, or a definition.
About a minute of silence passed by, as i held her tightly, while freezing stiff thinking i just ruined things.
But she kept speaking.
—I could try to rationalize things, and i could tell myself that it's wrong to do this or whatever.. but im tired of trying to figure out what's best by just thinking over and over again. I want to start making decisions with what my heart wants, and with what it is telling me. I don't need to answer any questions... i'll just do what my heart wants me to and i want to follow it until my feelings take a proper shape. I want to do things right... since i don't want to rush myself into what happened with Yuuko before. And i want to do things properly.
—Then... has this been what "your heart wants"? —i asked slightly scared of taking things in a different way to her.
—Of course. Im really happy. And even if i know what we're both feeling... i want to wait until i can properly say it with my own words, and i can express it to you. I want to be completely sure.
—Even if you tell me that... —i stopped myself from going further, because i knew exactly what was about to slip out of my mouth.
—I know im being overly careful, and i know that im being needy too... but can you wait until i can tell you? —Anri stared at my eyes directly.
I looked away, and i bit my lip trying to stop those feelings, and those words from coming out. I don't know if it's right or not.
About thirty seconds passed,. I let go of her, and as i told to myself that i would start to just decide these things with my heart... i asked about it.
—Is it fine, if i say it? —my voice trembled, and it was so quiet that it was barely audible.
But even so, im sure she could feel how fast my heart was currently beating.
She seemed to take her time before answering... but she looked at me and nodded.
I took a deep breath and i started making every single one of my feelings clear.
—Anri... i love you. I really, really love you.
I sat besides her to face her gaze directly with every word i was going to speak from now on.
—I didn't want to fall in love with you, honestly. I noticed it a while ago. My life felt a little more colorful when i was with you.
My throat started aching, and i thought i was going to start choking on my words.. but i didn't. I was going to tell her everything, no matter what.
—At first it just felt like a small spark. You were really fun to talk to. I felt like i could calm down, and i could be honest with you. I never felt pressed to act a certain way to you. It felt relaxing to drop my guard down and to face you sincerely.
—I was always taken aback by how different you were to how i saw you at school, and how everyone described you. I thought i was going insane for thinking of you that way, you know? —she chuckled and waited patiently for me to continue.
—But it was more than that. As soon as i saw you with Yuuko... it hurt more than anything else. I thought that it was just a small crush, and that it'd go away... but each day that i spoke to you, it kept making me feel worse and worse... to the point where i tried to give up, and let Yuuko do whatever.. but i really couldn't. Every time that i saw you, i just couldn't bring myself to...
At some point i started crying, and i couldn't speak through the ache that i was feeling in my throat. Anri pulled me in closer, and she started to wipe my tears from my face, as she waited patiently.
—I didn't want to let go of you. And honestly... it kept me tongue-tied. I thought to myself "if this lasts forever, i'll be just fine". But it wasn't.
—Why? —she asked with a smile in her face.
—Because no matter what i wanted to be with you. Yuuko started hating me at some point, and i thought that it was going to be okay if i just vanished from the picture... but i couldn't. Because i knew the entire time that something was wrong, and i never really rooted for her. I held on to the small glimpse of hope i had... and i think im a horrible person for doing that.
—You can't control what your heart feels. That's something you taught me, isn't it? Sure, you conveyed it to me in a different way... but at the very least, you gave me enough clues to arrive to the answer, Haruna. —she kept comforting me as i clumsily explained my feelings.
—Even so, i just felt wrong. But i couldn't lie to myself. Every day, you kept being the sunlight to me, and you'd shine on to me every day. It made me happier than i've ever been. And every day, i just wanted to find a reason for you to stay for a while. It's been so long since i just felt right... but you always told me that i'd be fine, and i wanted you to make sure that i was.
I took another deep breath to calm myself down, and i got ready to tell her the very last part of these feelings.
—Im really in love with you. And you make me happier than anything in the world... so i don't want to let these feelings just fade away, and i don't want to be away from you. I want to be with you, no matter what.
She smiled at me like always... but this time there was a warmth behind that same smile that i love so much, that made me calm down and it made my feelings even more loud inside of my heart.
—Thank you for saying it, Haruna. —she spoke while i could hear her trying not to cry.
I hugged her tightly again, and i held her like i would die if i'd ever let go.
I never thought that it'd be this confusing, nervewracking and scary to tell someone you love them.
But... this is the type of love i feel for her. It's a bit obsessive... it's a bit skewed. I want to do everything for her... i want her to be in every single one of my days... and i want to be her everything. That's what my love for her means.
—Even if i can't quite put it into words right now, and even if i don't really want to give a name to our relationship.. i really appreciate you doing so... and im sorry i have to make you wait... —Anri spoke, as she was starting to break down in tears.
—I'll wait as long as i need for you. So don't cry. You're going to be just fine, and im going to be with you until you can say it, and even after you say it. I love you, Anri.
She didn't answer, but she kept sobbing in my arms for a while.
Even so... im certain that it'll be fine.