I stared at the option for a good, long moment. “Interesting…”

“What’s the matter?” Aerion asked. “Do you not have an option for soul evolution?”

“No, that’s the thing,” I said. “I do. Was not expecting that. Though, I suppose it makes some kind of sense. Gods want their Champions big and tough, and I’m guessing they don’t want us bashing our heads against evolutionary walls for years while the Cataclysm eats the world.”

“Indeed,” Aerion replied. “I assume you’ll be choosing it?”

I checked my Status page, smiling as I did.

Name: Gregory Samuel Wills

Essence Utilization: 296/370

Blessing: Initializer [Epic] (Divergence - 0)

Stats:

Vigor: 49 (Max: 49)

Order: 19 (Max: 50)

Wisdom: 27 (Max: 50)

Passion: 20 (Max: 59)

Grace: 27 (Max: 27)

Cunning: 23 (Max: 23)

Dominion: 62 (Max: 83)

I already knew I’d ranked up the moment we defeated the dungeon, but the rest was a very nice surprise.

If there was anything to learn here, it was that Trials and dungeons did wonders for Vigor, Grace, and Dominion. When I entered the dungeon, those were at 42, 25, and 39 respectively, and if I hadn’t hit my limits, Vigor and Grace would’ve jumped as much as Dominion had—a full 23 points. The other stats, though? That was a different story. Not unless I got diligent about actively modifying my magic, talking people up, and uh… meditating while fighting?

It proved that while leveling could happen in dungeons, there was a whole wealth of stats to be gained outside it as well. Assuming, of course, my damn stat caps didn’t get in the way.

Which brought me to the decision at hand. Could I use a bit of extra experience? Always. But an easy pass through my next soul evolution? Yeah… This one was a no-brainer.

“Absolutely,” I replied, confirming my choice.

The Status screen winked away and… nothing happened.

“Er, I don’t feel any different,” I said. “Do you?”

“Same as ever,” Aerion replied.

“Do you even know what Soul evolution consists of?”

Aerion shook her head. “Few ever reach Convergence, let alone the higher ranks. From what I’ve seen, none who do are especially keen to share the secret.”

I had to wonder about that. Surely there was someone out there with a mind for profit? Even if the success rate was low, people could make a killing teaching that.

Which meant there was likely something else stopping them. I supposed I’d find out soon enough.

“Divergence!?” Aerion suddenly squeaked, her eyes going wide. “When?”

“Just now,” I said, failing to hide my grin. “Can’t wait to see what sorts of upgrades this’ll bring.”

“Bloody hell!” Richard suddenly blurted from nearby.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“I’d meant to ask earlier, but with all the craziness, I’d nearly forgotten. It’s just been killing me…”

“Uh, yeah?” I asked, wondering what was so important that Richard was asking now, of all times.

“Back in the dungeon, when we were in the thick of things, I could’ve sworn you said the name of my Lord, Jesus Christ. Now, was I hearing things, or…”

Oh shit.

I opened my mouth to reply…

And the next thing I knew, I was on a sandy beach decked with dozens of smoking-hot bikini-clad women, beach chairs, jet-skis and sailboats out on the crystal blue water.

----------------------------------------

“Gregorio! Mi amigo!” a voice—a very familiar voice—called out. “Come on, grab a drink!”

I turned to find none other than my patron deity, lying on his stomach on a massage table as a blonde supermodel oiled him up as he sipped what looked to be a Piña Colada. He wore star-shaped sunglasses that covered half his face, along with a speedo that had a picture of Cosmo winking, with the words ‘Who’s your OG G,’ in a speech bubble across his ass.

It wasn’t his ridiculous clothing that caught my eye, though. The guy was ripped. There wasn’t a shred of fat anywhere on him, and though not quite up to bodybuilder standards, he was pretty damned close. Well proportioned, too. The kind of body anyone would lust after.

Cosmo snapped, and a beachside cabana bar popped up nearby. Manning the bar was… you guessed it. None other than Cosmo himself, except he had a giant handlebar mustache, for some reason.

“C’mon and get yer drinks, Greg! What’ll it be?”

“I’m… gonna pass,” I said, squinting at Cosmo—the one moaning as he got a massage, not the one behind the bar.

“Oh, come on. You need to loosen up, Greg,” he said. “You just blasted that dungeon to smithereens, for god’s sake! This calls for celebration. I know! I think you need a massage!”

Cosmo snapped his fingers, and suddenly, I was on a massage table next to him, face down… and naked.

Horrified, I turned to see if he’d at least left me my underwear. He had, but I now wore the same damned speedo he did.

I felt sick… Right up until a certain silver-haired elf materialized, wearing a Hawaiian frond skirt and a coconut bra. She wore anklets and bracelets made of leaves, and a headdress that matched.

“Aerion?” I squeaked in a voice as high as a pre-pubescent. My face went red-hot, and I could feel my heart trying to break out of my chest. This was so wrong.

I looked away, embarrassed, but I couldn’t avoid noticing her toned, lithe muscles. She’d always hid it well, under her many layers of armor and clothing.

Aerion applied some oil to her hands, slapped them together, then pushed down hard on my back, forcing me back onto the table. She then went to work on my shoulders pressing and kneading.

My fight or flight response kicked in, and I squirmed, desperately trying to escape.

I may as well have tried to move a mountain. Under Aerion’s awe-inspiring strength, my actions did little other than embarrass myself. All the nearby beachgoers were now staring at my antics.

My resistance waned about five seconds after as bliss overtook me. Damn, she was good.

“That’s… not actually Aerion, is it?” I asked, groaning in pleasure despite every shred of my mind telling me to resist. “Fuck, this is so embarrassing.”

“Tut, tut, Gregorio! It’s only embarrassing if you want it to be,” Cosmo said, grinning. “What gave it away?”

“For one, she isn’t even the slightest bit shy about wearing such revealing clothing. The Aerion I know would’ve turned beet red by now and run away.”

If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

“And the other reason?”

“Aerion’s more likely to beat me than to give me a massage.”

“Hmm. Good points. Don’t worry, I’ll have her tweaked for the next time you clear a Cataclysm Dungeon,” Cosmo said haltingly between moans of pleasure.

“Please don’t. And… Why her?” Cosmo could’ve created literally any masseuse in the world. Hell, he could’ve just cloned the woman doing his massage.

This was so ridiculous. Less than an hour ago, I was in the thick of an all-out fight for my life. And just when I thought I’d started getting used to this world… There was never a dull day around here. Cosmo made amply sure of that.

“Come now, Greg. You’ve been under a lot of stress! I figured you could use some relaxation. A familiar face is better than a stranger, yeah? I even took her stats into account, so if that Aerion can do it, yours sure can.”

“She’s not mine,” I said, bristling as I thought of a certain Viking’s earlier proposal. “She’s just a friend.” I sat up and gently pushed the not-Aerion masseuse away. “A good friend, and she would definitely not be okay with this. I know you care about her. Don’t you care what she’d think?”

Cosmo gave me an appraising look, like he was surprised. Surprised an intrigued. Then he chuckled. A smile that was both equal parts warmth and wry crept onto his face. “Fine, fine! I do love to have fun with you mortals, sometimes.”

I was taken aback for a second. I wasn't expecting Cosmo, of all people, to humor me.

“Never fear! I will bring you the most powerful masseur in the land. Behold!”

Cosmo snapped his fingers, and I felt the chill of cold behind me.

My eyes went wide, and chills went down my back.

Because replacing Aerion was none other than Cyrus—the White Walker Ice Lord I’d just vanquished.

Except, he was wearing the same outfit Aerion wore, complete with the coconut bra. It was the dumbest thing I’d ever seen.

And of course, Cosmo was laughing his ass off.

I didn’t have time to say anymore, as Cyrus pushed me down with his icy hand.

I braced for pain, and instead received… bliss? His cool hands felt amazing under the hot sun, and to my utter disbelief, waves of pleasure soon washed over me.

“You’ve got to be shitting me,” I moaned. “This can’t be happening.”

“Uh, huh,” Cosmo said with a wry smile. “And I’m not the god of Order.”

“The hell you are!” I complained as not-Cyrus began an incredible deep tissue massage, using just the right level of pressure. Either I was going crazy, or he was even better at this than Aerion. “The hell does the Order stat even do, anyway? Damn thing’s useless,” I managed to say in between the bouts of bliss.

“Hey! That’s so mean!” Cosmo said. “Order’s the most useful stat!”

“That right? Mind telling me what it does?”

“As a matter of fact, I do!” Cosmo said with a grin.

“Why did you bring me here, anyway?” I asked, moving right along.

“Excellent question! I brought you here because this is what you Earthlings do to celebrate. At least, that’s what I learned watching your vacation ads, anyway.”

“Let me guess. Hawaii? The luau outfit kinda gave it away.”

“Non, non, Greg,” he said, waving a finger at me in disdain. “Hava‘ii!” He practically shouted the word, pronouncing it in the most ridiculous way possible.

“Hawaii’s a tourist trap,” I said, unperturbed at his antics. “Pretty, but overpriced compared to some lesser known tropical spots. Or so I hear… Never had the cash to take an international vacation. Or, any vacation, for that matter.”

“Huh,” Cosmo replied, sitting up. “The more you know… Anyway, we’re here because you gotta pick your rank-up ability, and what better way to make a critical, life-altering decision than after a relaxing massage from a pretty lady you like?”

“I don’t like… You know what? Nevermind.” I said. There was no winning against Cosmo. The more I argued, the harder he’d push back. Instead, I finally worked up the willpower to escape my godlike masseur’s clutches. Mustering all the mental strength I had… I managed to sit up.

The amazing abomination that was undead Luau Cyrus dematerialized, and I followed Cosmo back to the cabana bar, feeling suddenly limber from the divine massage. What a terrifying, yet wonderful, experience. Incredibly, against everything that made sense in this world… Cosmo had succeeded. I felt more relaxed than I had in years.

The speedo-wearing god ordered another Piña Colada. Relenting, I did the same, and a paper-umbrella sweet drink popped into existence in front of me, ice-cold condensation dripping down the side.

“So, tell me about Rocky,” I said, finally asking the question that had been on my mind ever since Aerion found the stone. “What is it?”

“Ahh, yes!” Cosmo said, gazing wistfully into the distance. “Rocky the 423rd. I remember her well.”

“Her?” I asked, raising an eyebrow. “You give all your pet rocks arbitrary genders?”

“Don’t the French?”

I opened my mouth to disagree, but I quickly found myself unable to offer a good comeback. “I… guess? So, what is it?”

“What do you mean, what is it?” Cosmo asked, looking at me like I’d sprouted a second head. “I thought the message made it obvious?”

“You know what I mean,” I said. “I know it’s one of your old champions. Summoned rock. Ha ha. Great joke. Hilarious.”

“It is, isn’t it?” Cosmo said, eyes sparkling with excitement.

“Actually, no.” I leaned forward and looked Cosmo in the eye. “So what is it, really? And you can’t seriously expect me to believe we happened to find it by accident. How’d it get there?”

“Hey! I summoned a metric ton of those things. You were bound to run into one sooner or later. Rocks… They have this way of getting into everything. Like sand!”

“Uh, huh. How long until its Essence cost transfers back to you?” I asked. My Hail Mary attempt to catch the god off-guard.

“Wish I could tell ya,” Cosmo replied without skipping a beat. So much for my plan.

“And we just happened to run into it…” I said. “In a Cataclysm Dungeon? With it being the core of a boss monster we had to fight? Don’t you think it’s a little strange that we were transported to a location in the dungeon that led directly to that encounter?”

Cosmo shrugged. “Buddy, I’m flattered. Truly am. But you give me way too much credit if you think I can choose where you end up in a Cataclysm Dungeon, of all places.”

“Y’know what I think? I think you’ve spent the last tens of thousands of years summoning rocks, just so that when you finally summoned a real Champion who happened to have a Blessing that allows them to empower things, they’d have an advantage.”

Cosmo blinked at me, looking at me with a level of seriousness I’d never seen from him before.

“Greg?” he asked, leaning in.

“Yeah?” I said, leaning in as well.

“It’s a rock…”

That was all he managed before he burst out laughing.

With a sigh, I slumped back on my barstool. I really should have expected that.

I knew from experience I’d get no more answers from the god. Whether because he couldn’t say or chose not to, either way, I’d hit a dead end.

So instead, I ignored the laughing god and sipped my delicious, refreshing beverage and looked around the beach. There was a ginormous ten-story resort a quarter mile from the beach, and all manner of sailboats dotted the pristine blue horizon. It was a sunny day, but not hot, and kids built sandcastles while couples frolicked in the water and the more daring souls surfed the four-foot waves.

Just about as utopian as it could possibly get.

“I can’t go back,” I said as I took it all in, more to myself than anyone. “Can I?”

“Having second thoughts?” Cosmo asked, giving me an appraising look as he sipped his Piña Colada with his sculpted arms. Man this guy was shredded.

“No,” I said, tearing my eyes off his muscles. “Just that a certain Champion of Passion seems absolutely convinced he can. Says Passion guaranteed him passage home.”

I waited for Cosmo to respond, but he just stared at me, sipping on his drink until it ran dry, pulling air through his straw.

“One of you is lying,” I said bluntly. “Question is, who? And why?”

“Well then,” Cosmo said, extending his index finger up into the air. Just when I was about to ask what he was doing, a cloth hat and a smoking pipe popped into existence above it. Twirling the hat, he set it on my head, and stuck the pipe in my mouth before I could react. “I suppose you’ll have to put your detective hat on and get to the bottom of this mystery, won’t you?”

“What aren’t you telling me, Cosmo?” I said, spitting out the pipe and placing the hat on the counter. “What’s stopping you?”

Cosmo gave me a sad smile that was entirely at odds with his ridiculous speedo-clad character. “You’re doing good, kid,” he said. “Just keep that train full steam ahead.”

I stared into Cosmo’s bottomless gray eyes, trying to see past the surface. I couldn’t, of course. But I felt like I knew Cosmo well enough by now to know when he was serious and when he was joking. Not the easiest feat with this guy.

And right now? He was dead serious. In that moment, I became sure of one thing. All the non-answers Cosmo had ever given me had never been out of malice or Cosmo’s immaturity.

I couldn’t tell you why, but something in my head told me that, despite his jokes and his tomfoolery, Cosmo might just be the most trustworthy being in this world.

“You’re trying to tell me something,” I muttered. “But you can’t. Maybe you’re not allowed to, or there’s something stopping you. But there’s something bigger going on here. Bigger than the Cataclysm and the monster hordes. I don’t know what it is yet, but I want you to know that I’m aware. And I will get to the bottom of this.”

I wasn’t imagining it. The light in Cosmo’s eyes intensified as I spoke, and in them, I saw something. Like a hunger, thirsting for me to go on.

I sat back. “I’m going to operate under the assumption that Passion is lying to Richard. There is no going back. There’s also no staying here, either. The history books make that abundantly clear.”

Voicing that revelation made the whole thing feel more… real. “So, we’re either transported to some other world, or…”

I wasn’t willing to go there just yet. Partly because it made no sense, and partly because my whole theory was based on a bunch of assumptions that could be false.

“I need to talk to the other Champions,” I muttered.

“You do that,” Cosmo replied, finally speaking up. He’d been oddly silent for the past while. “For now, how about we discuss those upgrades of yours?”

A tropical breeze blew through the cabana bar, blowing against my mostly-naked body. It felt great, and right now, I wanted nothing more than to be out on the water.

“Got an ask,” I said, draining the last of my drink.

“Shoot.”

“This place is just a creation of your imagination, right?” I pointed at an enormous catamaran sailing yacht. “The cabana’s cool, and all, but I’ve never been on a superyacht before. Probably never will. So why don’t we have our little chat over there, instead?”