“Friend, I feel like you could use a drink,” Cosmo said, leaning over the bartop and pouring me a whisky.

I looked around in a daze. Smooth jazz drifted out of the jukebox by the wall, and the bar was filled with patrons. “The fuck?”

The last thing I knew, I was blacking out in the cog rail, and I was sure I had more than a couple of broken bones. Yet here I was, jeans mended and bruises healed. I was as good as new.

Before I had a chance to respond, a bunch of System notifications popped up in front of me.

Congratulations! Vigor has increased to 9.

Congratulations! [Iron Arming Sword]’s ability [Lightbringer] has leveled up to Foundation - 2.

Congratulations! [Iron Dagger]’s ability [Quick Slash] has leveled up to Foundation - 1.

“Well, Greg. I don’t know how to break this to you, but you died.”

Not a bad haul. Not a bad haul at—wait, what!?

“Y-You’re joking, right?”

My stomach lurched. My hands went clammy, and my heart felt like it was going to jump out of my throat. I was... dead? What did that even mean? What was going on?

“You bet I am!” Cosmo said casually. “Let’s watch the replay, shall we?”

Cosmo pushed a button on his oversized TV remote, and the CRT mounted in the top corner hummed to life.

I swear to all that is holy, I am gonna wring your neck someday.

Cosmo hummed Kenny Loggins’ Danger Zone as he retrieved a dusty VHS tape from under the counter and slotted it into the TV’s cassette player.

Everything about this was so wrong, and the fifty-year-old technology was only half of it.

Cosmo’s eyes were glued to the ancient display, which was good, because he didn’t notice my expression of pure rage.

I took a deep breath. Calm, Greg. Calm. I recognized the anger, and let it go. I was only partially successful.

I looked up at the monitor. The black form of a giant whale swam lazily above the transparent tube-tunnel where Aerion was dragging my unconscious body—with great effort—to the goblin’s cart parked a quarter mile away.

It was painful just watching him.

“She’s a champ,” Cosmo muttered softly, and I swore I heard a sliver of regret in his voice.

“You mean Aerion?” I asked, feeling my heart skip a beat.

“Huh? I was talking about the whale, obviously.”

I rolled my eyes.

Aerion finally managed to drag my body into the cart. A feat made a lot harder with him weighing half as much as me and having only one usable arm. The poor elf was drenched in sweat by the end.

The scene ended with a cartoonish circle closing in on the cart like a noose. When it’d reached the center, there was only black, and Cosmo mashed the remote, turning off the TV with the high-pitched laser-like sound that was a quirk of CRT displays.

“So, that’s what happened, huh?”

I’d have to thank Aerion later.

“Wrong! It’s what might happen. This place exists outside time, so it’s not like anything’s going on down there.”

“Wait,” I said, totally thrown off by this revelation. “You’re saying you can yank me to this space whenever you like?”

If I could work something out with Cosmo, maybe I could have him summon me during a boss battle or something. Buy me some time.

“No, I won’t summon you during a fight,” Cosmo said, smirking at my shocked expression. “Oh, come on, it was practically written all over your face! I bring you here when the mood strikes me. And only when you’re safe and it doesn’t affect anything.”

“Right,” I said, downing my whisky. “Figures.”

“So?” Cosmo asked, refilling my glass. “What do you think?”

If nothing else, he was a good bartender.

“What do I think?” I said. “I think I’ve got problems. A whole cargo freighter’s worth of them.”

“Oh? Do tell!” the self-proclaimed god said, placing an elbow on the bartop and leaning over.

“Really? You sure you want me unloading on you like this? I can promise you it won’t be pretty.”

“Greg, buddy! I’m hurt,” Cosmo said, clutching his chest. “I thought we were past all this! Isn’t this what friends are for? Being here for each other in our moments of need? I’m right here. Mano a mano. So lay all your worries on old Cosmo here.”

“So we're friends now?” I asked, cocking a brow.

“Do you even need to ask?” Cosmo replied theatrically.

I took a long sip before replying. Antics aside, that was actually… somewhat nice of him to offer. Venting alone just wasn’t quite the same as raging at a guy I didn’t especially like to begin with.

“For starters, Aerion wouldn’t have had to haul my ass like that if we had a bit of that safe room miracle water.”

“True. Very true,” Cosmo said. “You have a plan for that?”

“Dunno,” I said honestly. “As much as I’d love to bottle that stuff, finding a bottle that’s both watertight and sturdy enough to survive all the shit we’d put it through is a tall order. Hell, I’d take even a normal bottle on the off chance it doesn’t break, but I’d probably have to Initialize something to make that happen. Which brings me to my next concern.”

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“Your Essence pool.”

“That’s… right,” I said, surprised Cosmo had caught on.

“Well, it wasn’t hard to guess after seeing you agonize over whether to enchant your underwear or not. That was hilarious, by the way. I fell off my chair laughing.”

“Glad my life-or-death struggles are giving you some entertainment, at least!”

“Believe me, Greg. So. Am. I,” Cosmo said, throwing me a wink. “Quality godly entertainment’s hard to come by these days, y’know?”

“My Essence,” I said, moving right along. “I need to up it.”

“What about getting rid of stuff you don’t need? Like those stones. Just weighing your pockets.”

“Well, yeah, but if I did get rid of them, it’d be because of that—their weight. They only take up 1 Essence each. Not even worth mentioning. I could free up 5 Essence if I got rid of them all—which I wouldn’t. Aerion can throw. In the grand scheme, 5 Essence isn’t much. I just have to level up more. Besides, I already reclaimed some Essence when my club broke.”

That was a real downer. I’d have to find another weapon with [Scarborne] someday—that was a great ability. With more durability, it’d be extremely useful when used tactically.

“Pretty annoying how that works, huh?” Cosmo said, nodding.

My eyebrow twitched. “Then why did you design it that way?”

“Hey, don’t blame me!” Cosmo said, throwing his hands up. “I didn’t know what I was doing! This is my first time, after all. Be gentle?”

I took another swig. I was quickly learning that the best way to deal with Cosmo’s stupid jokes was to ignore them.

“You trying to empty my stock?” Cosmo asked, filling me back up.

“No, just trying to wash off the bad taste in my mouth. From your jokes, in case you didn’t get it.”

“How rude!”

“Anyway, that’s hardly the worst of my problems,” I said, forging on.

“Don’t tell me,” Cosmo said. “You’re blue balled. I know, I know. Dungeon. No cute girls around. It can be tough! Look, I won’t judge. You do what you gotta do. Gimme two winks and I’ll look away. I respect your privacy.”

I stared blankly at Cosmo.

“What?” he asked.

“I honestly don’t know whether I ought to be horrified, disgusted, or if I should just punch your teeth out right now.”

“Er, you do remember that I’m a god, right?”

“You sure as hell don’t act like one,” I said, once again struggling to let my annoyance go. Ass that he was, I couldn’t get too upset—he was giving me free booze after all. The good stuff, too. “What are you a god of, anyway?” I asked.

Cosmo blinked. “Beg your pardon?”

“Y’know, there’s Dominion, Grace, Vigor, and the others. I didn’t see a Cosmo on there. Which one are you?”

“What makes you think I’m any of those superstars?”

“Super…” Ah. “You’re some minor deity, aren’t you?”

“Hey! That’s mean. I’m still a god! In fact, I feel like I’m the strongest of them all!”

“Sure you are. I can’t believe I guessed right back when we first met. Cosmic irony, huh?”

Cosmo downright beamed at me. “To Cosmic Irony,” he said, raising his glass and downing it in one gulp.

I was almost sad he took it so well, but that was Cosmo, I supposed. I raised my glass as well.

“Say, you mind doing me a favor?” Cosmo said.

“Sorry, I think I misheard. You’re asking me for a favor?”

“Is that really so strange?” Cosmo asked.

I shrugged. “I’ll call it in one day. You alright with that?”

Cosmo snorted. “You can certainly try. It’s nothing much. Just… protect that kid, will you? Aerion’s had a tough life. Deserves better.”

I squinted at Cosmo, but his eyes were on the TV.

“I was planning to anyway.” Did those two have a history together?

“So, why am I here? Really?” I asked a moment later, leveling my gaze at Cosmo.

“As I said, I just felt like you could use a friend.”

“That’s not what I meant. Why did you bring me to this world? I think I deserve some answers.”

Cosmo snapped his fingers and appeared on the barstool next to mine, swirling a glass of whisky. He sighed exaggeratedly.

“Yes. You do. And I wish I could give them to you.”

“I mean, it’s obvious you didn’t summon me just to fight monsters in some random dungeon,” I said, undaunted. “Which leads me to believe that you need me strong. That you want me to level.”

I paused, waiting for Cosmo to give any indication I was right. He didn’t, but that was okay. I wasn’t done.

“Y’know, this world is a lot closer to the games I play than you ever let on. Which makes me wonder why. Why couldn’t you have just told me there were elves and dungeons and magic? Not like it would’ve been hard.”

Cosmo gave me a grim look and took a sip. He said nothing.

“The way I see it, there are two possibilities, both of which are about equally likely, in my mind. One—you’re just fucking with me. Given your track record, I wouldn’t put it past you. Or two—there’s some reason why you can’t tell me. Or maybe I’m not ready to hear what you have to say. That’s a pretty common setup, too.”

“You have a good head on your shoulders, Greg,” Cosmo admitted. “But I didn’t call you to the bar to make you worry even more. Quite the opposite, actually.”

I frowned. “What do you mean?”

“I mean you’ve been under a lot of stress lately! I was getting worried it’d all be too much. First the fights on the fifth floor. The troll, getting injured, all the stuff Aerion’s told you… Everyone has their breaking point.”

“You’re… worried about my mental health?” I said, deadpan.

“Sure am! Is it so strange for friends to look after each other?”

“I’m fine,” I said. “I don’t know how I’d handle things if I had to fight for months on end, but I figure this is a temporary situation. The world Aerion describes doesn’t sound all that bad. I’m planning on taking it easy as soon as we get out. Especially since I have no goals yet.”

“I’m happy to hear that!” Cosmo said, looking genuinely relieved. “Now, I’d love to chat some more, but I have to send you back. Tell you what, though…” Cosmo refilled my nearly empty glass. “I think you’ve earned this one. Ah, but this is all happening in your head, so it’s not like you’ll actually be drunk when you get back.”

I sighed and sipped on my drink, enjoying the warm burn down my throat, and let my mind drift. In just a few short moments, I’d be back in the dungeon, fighting for survival. I’d be wracked with debilitating pain and broken bones.

“This was fun, amigo. Till next time!” Cosmo pressed his thumb and middle finger together, getting ready to snap me back.

“Wait,” I said, suddenly thinking of Aerion. “Have you heard of the god of Order?”

Cosmo looked like he’d just swallowed a slug. “Order? That old fart? What about him?”

“So, you know him? Aerion seems to have it out for the god. What’s he like?”

“There’s only one thing you need to know about Order.”

“Yeah?” I asked, getting excited despite myself.

“Yeah. He’s an ass.”

Cosmo snapped his fingers, and everything went dark.