Alright, slowly now. C’mon Greg, don’t fuck this up!

I inched toward the troll, which still snored away. How a being made entirely of obsidian snored, I couldn’t tell you. Just that the sounds it made could scare a xenomorph.

After much thought, I’d concluded that I couldn’t do much to prepare for this fight, other than to practice throwing. Which I did. A lot. For an entire hour, taking the minimum number of breaks to avoid getting sore.

The issue here was that I couldn’t test my idea without committing. If I missed, or if my rock failed to dislodge the stalactite, I’d have to hightail it back to that tunnel before the troll woke up and clubbed me.

That was actually the better outcome. Things would get more dangerous as time went on. Because if I got the stalactite to drop, and if it did the kind of damage I’d hoped for, then I was committed to running around like a headless chicken, lobbing stones at the ceiling while the troll chased me.

Well, either that, or run back to the tunnel and repeat once the troll got bored and fell asleep again. Which was, of course, a tried-and-true strategy against tough opponents. I just didn’t know if the troll would recover while it slept, rendering that plan useless.

I crept closer. Just a few more feet and I’d be in position.

I retrieved a [Pet Rock] from my pocket and took aim.

Do or die!

I threw… and a hysterical scream that sounded like it came from a girl rang through the cavern.

Damnit, Greg! I cursed my stupidity. Surely the troll would’ve had some defense mechanism. Some system to alert it to threats while it slept.

How could I have been so ignorant?

The troll’s snores halted. It began to stir from its slumber.

Crack.

I’d nearly forgotten about the rock I’d thrown. I glanced up to find pieces of rock crumbling from the ceiling. I hadn't hit it head-on, but I'd struck close to its needly base.

CRACK!

The stalactite cracked and groaned as gravity pulled against it.

It’s… working?

The high-pitched scream sounded out again.

Again? Why? I didn’t even—the sound came from behind me.

I whirled, expecting to find the troll’s henchmen. Sure enough, a small army of children rushed into the chamber from the tunnel. No, goblins. Big-eared, hooked-nosed obsidian goblins.

Great. Should’ve expected that…?

Except the goblins weren’t rushing toward me. They were charging through the chamber, crossing it.

Chasing someone. Someone else.

“I’ll kill you all! I swear to Dominion. Each and every one!”

It was a boy, and he was running for his life. The screams—curses, really—were his. He searched the chamber, and when his eyes landed on me, I knew my day was about to get a whole lot worse.

“Y-You! Help!”

Yep. He’s running right for me. And he’d brought friends.

CRUNCH.

The stalactite dislodged from the ceiling and fell. Right as the troll stood up.

Troll head met falling rock. The rock won handily.

The stalactite slammed into the troll, the force of its impact sending it stumbling. The troll dropped its club and clutched its head, roaring in pain.

I groaned. Its health overlay had changed from green to solid yellow. Yellow! My plan had worked! And now, it was completely useless. Because now, I had goblins to worry about, too.

The troll’s wail stopped the charging obsidian goblins in their tracks. They turned, and they gawked at the giant.

I didn’t have much time. The goblins were blocking my way out, and there were too many of them to fight alone.

Luckily, I had a massive weapon right in front of me. Not all that great for surgical strikes. Just perfect for a bit of mad rampaging.

Thinking fast, I lobbed a rock at the troll’s head. It predictably bounced off, taking only a tiny sliver of obsidian with it. The troll’s health overlay remained unchanged.

It didn’t matter.

“C’mon, you polished heap of crap! I’m right here, and I’m lobbing rocks at you. Come get me!”

The troll predictably didn’t take kindly to my words. It picked up its club and stomped after me.

Too bad I was halfway to the obsidian goblins by then.

“Make way, motherfuckers!” I roared, diving into the throng of goblins and swinging my club, shattering two in the process. The rest were too busy running for their lives to give a shit about me.

Turning my dive into a painful roll, I moved out of the path of carnage.

The goblins? Not so lucky.

Crunch. Crunch. Crunch. Crunch.

The troll didn’t even have to club them. Each step took out a goblin. Each step made the noisy cavern just a little quieter.

And, crucially, each step it took darkened the troll’s health overlay a tiny bit.

Because the goblins, while about half my height, were made of hard obsidian, and every time the troll took one out, it took damage as well.

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Not to mention some of them fought back. The goblins fired small balls from their slingshots at the troll, which exploded upon impact.

I made a mental note not to ever fight explosive-lobbing goblins as I regained my bearings. I looked for the boy, but he was nowhere to be seen.

As much as I wanted to ally with the only other non-monster I’d seen since entering the dungeon, I didn’t have the luxury of thinking about him right now.

The goblins were helping, but I had to do my part in taking down the troll.

Luckily, it’d more or less stopped running. The giant beast was busy stomping and clubbing the goblins that ran all around it, constantly turning, trying to hit the elusive little buggers.

And that made it the perfect target.

I grabbed another [Pet Rock] and hurled it at the ceiling. It hit, but it wasn’t my aim that was stellar. Sure, the practice helped, but I still sucked. My target was actually just larger than I’d initially thought.

Crack!

I lobbed another. And another.

The second missed, but the third struck true.

The stalactite finally fell.

The troll, this time fully awake, sensed it. It moved… And tripped over a goblin. I watched its hulking frame fall, almost in slow motion.

I watched goblins scramble to avoid being squashed; themselves stumbling over their comrades in their desperation to flee.

Some succeeded. Most failed. But the ones that made it out only lived a fraction of a second longer, as the stalactite collided with the ground, sending a detonation of obsidian shards flying in all directions.

It did little harm to the troll, but the goblins? The word obliterated seemed appropriate.

Having triggered that strike myself, I’d already thrown myself to the ground, just barely avoiding the deadly shrapnel that whizzed by.

It was followed by a second, even larger tremor, as the troll flopped hard onto its belly.

I felt the impact as the ground rumbled beneath me, rattling my skull.

I looked up to find mayhem. The few goblins who’d survived were busy fleeing into the tunnel, while the boy had disappeared.

The rock troll was still on its belly, its health overlay now showing a uniform orange.

Which presented an opportunity. Jumping back to my feet, I ran to the nearest cache of [Pet Rocks] I’d arranged beforehand, and began lobbing.

My throws got close, but whether it was fatigue, or adrenaline, or fear, I just couldn’t land a solid hit.

By the time the troll stood back up, the goblins were long gone, and I was the only target in sight.

C’mon, Greg! Think! What can you do?

The clever strategies that always came so easily when I was in front of my computer screen now eluded me.

Screw it. I took my rocks… and I hurled them. Not at the ceiling, but at the enormous hulking form that was the troll.

Because right now, I was a glass cannon—all offense, no defense. And what did a glass cannon do? They threw everything they had at the enemy. Even if that was just rocks.

“C’mon!”

Every impact chipped a tiny fragment of the troll’s armor, which only enraged it further.

If I had more firepower, my plan might've worked.

Because while my strikes did only minor damage, the angry troll did plenty on its own as it chased me around the cavern, smashing against the walls or running into stalagmites that protruded from the ground. With time, it’d kill itself.

I, unfortunately, didn’t have time.

I threw my last [Pet Rock], leaving me with only my obsidian shard—useless against something as durable as the troll—and my obsidian club.

I looked at my club. I looked at the troll.

Yeah, screw this.

This is as good of a time as any to cut my losses. With the goblins gone, my escape route was clear. It gutted me to abandon a fight halfway, but I could always return to fight another day.

I ran for it before the troll could react. I made it halfway before the troll reached its full stride.

Half-way, and far too far.

This was a repeat of what had happened just hours earlier. I wasn’t going to make it, and this time, it wasn’t even close.

That was alright—I knew from before that the troll couldn’t switch directions quickly. I darted left and looked back.

The troll pivoted, following right after.

It was learning.

Cosmo? If you’re up there, I could use a little help right about now.

I frantically searched for cover. Perhaps a stalagmite I could hide behind.

There was nothing. Just empty, open earth.

I panicked hard. My vision grew dark. This was bad. I was losing it.

And then, in that moment of crisis, my prayers were answered. Not by Cosmo. But by another.

“Oi you! Spikey thing. Come and fight me!” a distant voice shouted. A rock sailed through the air and impacted against the troll’s head.

The boy from earlier. And he had good aim, no less.

The troll stopped in its tracks and scratched its head in confusion as it tried to locate the source of the unfamiliar voice.

I spotted him before the troll did.

The boy—more of a scrawny teen, really—stood near the pile of obsidian bones on the opposite end of the cavern, clutching a dagger with both hands.

Trembling hands.

For the love of…

He was going to get himself killed. The guy ran from a group of goblins. What chance did he have against an opponent like this?

Not your problem, Greg. Not your problem!

He’d bought me the time I needed to escape. With the troll’s attention on the teen, I had a clear shot. Hell, I didn’t even have to rush.

That’s right. I just needed to escape. Nobody asked me to help him.

My vision brightened. I regained my breath… But my legs wouldn’t budge.

Come ON! I berated myself. What are you doing? Just MOVE!

I couldn’t.

I turned. The troll was picking up speed again. It was running for the boy, who stood rooted like a statue, frozen in fear.

Man, I am so gonna regret this.

“Hey! Over here, you shining sack of shit!” I roared.

But my voice was lost over the troll’s own roar. It hadn’t heard me.

Acting fast, I grabbed a nearby stone, Initializing it as I sprinted toward the troll.

I sent the stone flying the moment it was ready. It flew… and smacked into the giant creature’s back.

That got its attention. It slid to a stop, turned slowly, and charged at me again. It took a while to change directions, but when it started running, it ran fast.

Ohhh shit.

My running attack had taken me away from the tunnel. This time, though, I was surrounded by stalagmites. I ran and weaved, dashing around the rock formations.

The troll followed, crashing through each one. And each time, its health overlay darkened slightly.

When the thing got too close, the boy shouted again, throwing an object of his own as he ran for the stalagmites, catching onto my plan.

The troll switched targets, doubling back.

The boy was running between the formations, copying my tactic.

He was catching on! For the first time since the fight began, I felt like victory was within sight.

We fell into a rhythm, repeating this tactic, forcing the dumbass troll to switch targets over and over.

Its health overlay continued to darken, from orange to light red, and then, finally, it crashed into its last stalagmite.

The giant stumbled, regained its footing, then finally collapsed, its overlay now the color of blood.

Which meant it was still alive.

I ran up to it, raised my club, and brought it firmly down on its head.

It didn’t get back up. The overlay had disappeared.

I’d won. We’d won.

“Hellllll yeah!” I roared.

The boy snapped his head and stared at me like I was crazy.

And that was when I noticed the ears. The long, pointy ears.

Elf ears.