Laughter felt foreign to me, but I couldn’t stop myself from doing so as I ran. The air was hot and humid, and my lungs felt like they were filled with soup, but none of that stopped me. It was finally summer and school was out. I jumped down the stairs, almost hitting several people as I did so, but none of them cared. They were all as excited as I was. I sprinted down the hallway, a teacher yelling at me to stop, but I ignored her. She couldn’t tell me to do anything now. I was free, and I wouldn’t be back here next year. I made it to the entrance and saw a girl with short brown hair standing there in her uniform. She held her bag with one hand over her shoulder, staring out the window at the sky.
“Kayla!” I yelled to her excitedly.
She turned, and a smile appeared on her face. “Race you there!” she yelled, then bolted out the door.
I followed her as fast as I could, barely keeping up as we sprinted down the sidewalk towards the park. The air was thick, but I breathed it all in delightfully. Freedom felt so good. Kayla let out a scream of excitement as she ran, throwing her arms up in a pose of victory. I copied her, trying to yell louder than her.
It wasn’t long before we found ourselves at the park, and I quickly tumbled into the soft grass, letting the sun shine down on my face. Kayla kept running, eventually jumping onto one of the swings and standing on it as she moved back and forth. Her laughter felt real, unlike mine. It was a pleasant sound, one that blended into the chirping birds in the trees and the gentle breeze rustling the leaves. It was a beautiful day out, but I started to feel a bit sad when night fell. It was time to go home. My dad was honking his horn at the end of the street, and I could see my mom in the passenger seat. The two of us walked towards the car, not wanting the day to end.
“I can’t believe we’ll be in highschool at the end of the summer,” Kayla said.
I looked up at the emerging stars in the sky, “It makes me feel really old.”
“Don’t worry. You’ll always be younger than me,” Kayla sneered.
I snorted. “You’ll always look younger than me with that stupid haircut,” I said, gesturing to her hair, “Why’d you get it cut on the last day of school anyways?”
Kayla wrapped her hands around the back of her neck, grabbing at the short strands of hair that barely reached down far enough. “It’s really hot when it’s that long, you know, and summer doesn’t help. It’s not like you would understand with that buzz cut.”
I put my hand up to my own head, feeling the hair between my fingers. It was a bit longer than what I considered a buzz cut, but it was still incredibly short. It felt wrong this way, like it was something that wasn’t supposed to be. “I think I like it longer,” I muttered.
Kayla gave a faint, proud smile when she heard my words. “Well, maybe I can grow it out sometime in the future. Though your opinion hardly matters when it comes to my hair.”
I nodded along as she spoke, half ignoring what she said. It wasn’t her hair I was talking about anyways. “C’mon,” I finally said, interrupting her monologue on how nothing I thought mattered at all, “My parents are waiting.”
By the time we made it into the car, Kayla was about to pass out. This was typical for her, seeming to be perfectly fine then crashing when her energy finally ran out. Right after she made it to her seat and buckled herself, her head drooped and rested onto the car door.
“I guess she couldn’t wait to get home,” my mom whispered, “Did you two have fun?”
I nodded, my head starting to droop as well.
The car started, and my eyes shut, only opening when I heard the explosive noise of the truck's horn. I jolted up in my seat and stared, the bright headlights blinding me, but my eyes stayed open in fear. I could hear screams under the sound of the horn, perhaps coming from my own mouth, then everything was overshadowed by the breaking of glass and crushing of metal. Everything went dark incredibly fast, but I could still feel the fear and hear the screams even as I slept.
I woke up, unable to breath or speak. My mouth was filled with something, and I could barely see the tube that was going into it and down my throat. I choked and coughed, but someone yelled at me to stop. I couldn’t move my head, but I strained my eyes to see the girl beside me. Kayla’s hair had grown a bit somehow, and her arm was in a cast.
“You’re awake!” she yelled with glee. It took her a second to calm herself before saying, “You’re alright.”
I tried to speak again, but choked, then Kayla handed me a notepad and pen. My arms felt like jelly, but I managed to write out, “What happened?”
Kayla’s face grew sour. “We were in an accident. I was lucky,” she raised her arm to show me, “But everyone else…”
She went silent, but I wanted to know more. “Where are my parents?” I wrote out.
“They… They still haven’t woken up yet. Their–” she stopped again, but I stared at her, waiting, “Their not doing as good as you.”
I felt myself sink deeper into the uncomfortable bed. The beeping noises of the machines around me were infuriating, and they didn’t seem to stop. I closed my eyes, trying to think of anything else other than my parents, but nothing came to mind.
A knock at my door took me out of my memories, melting into the sounds of the hospital's machines. I didn’t bother sitting up. My leg was throbbing, and I wasn’t getting up anyways. Two voices came from the hallway at the same time. One was a girl’s, high pitched and warm, but a little hoarse and laced with worry. The other was a man’s. He sounded tired, old, and shook with every word. I recognized them both, but didn’t understand how they could be together, or why their voices seemed to melt into one another. “Sean, Blair is leaving today,” they said, the voices fighting to overpower one another, “You should come out to send him off. A parade is being thrown in his honor. If you don’t feel up to walking, I could carry you there.”
Why did everyone want me to go outside? I knew what was out there. I remembered how much it hurt to leave this place. Not only that, but they wanted me to go straight to the worst thing I could find outside. They wanted me to say goodbye to Levi. As if I would ever purposely go to him.
A chattering to my side made me open my eyes, and I watched as Winter flew over to the foot of my bed. She began chewing at my pant leg, pulling at it to try and force me up. She was bored. I could feel it because of our bond. She had spent so much time cooped up inside this room and wanted to leave. I felt split when thinking about her. What was so great about leaving? A part of me wanted to join her. A part that was just as bored and excited to see the wider world and what it had to offer. I saw great landscapes and felt power unlike any other, but that had to be impressions of her emotions. I wasn’t that kind of person. I was too scared to be.
“Sean,” the voices started again.
“Leave me alone!” I yelled out louder than I wanted to. My voice felt wrong, like it wasn’t my own, but I ignored the feeling.
There was a long silence, so I closed my eyes, hoping they left. They did not. I heard someone rest their back against the door and slide to the ground. The voices came again, but this time there was only one. Sean’s father’s, or my father’s, voice came from the hallway, still shaking, but no longer fighting the other. “I… I feel like I should know what to say,” he said, “I don’t know whether or not I can help, and it scares me to think about what you're going through. It scares me even more that I understand it.”
I wanted to laugh, but the sound of his voice stopped me. How could he possibly know what it was like to be terrified of everything? Did he know what it was like to have everything taken away from me? Did he understand what it was like to trust someone with everything, only to find out who they really were, and that they followed me from a completely different world? Did he know what it was like to be bombarded with memories that made me feel like two different people? He couldn’t. It was impossible. I was the only one who could.
Father continued, “You want everyone around you to leave you alone. It’s easier that way, because then you don’t have to think about anything. Those thoughts, the ones that drive you to a place you hate to be, go away. They become silent, and you can finally rest.”
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I could feel my test tightening at his words. “Stop,” I muttered.
“All of that isn’t true. It will never be true. Those voices only seem to go away, but instead they hold you there, away from everyone else. Away from the ones you love.”
“Enough,” I barely managed to get out of my mouth.
Father didn’t stop. “I’m… I’m so sorry,” he said, and he finally broke down.
I could hear his sobs through the door, along with the barely formed words he tried to say. I couldn’t understand any of them, but I was sure they were all apologies.
“Our… Our hunts,” Father finally managed to get out, “They were so much fun. Spending time with you after all these years in Dousin was a dream come true. It reminded me so much–” Father paused, and the sobs stopped as well. When he spoke again, his tone was hard, like he was holding everything back. “A long time ago, before you were born, I lost my eye. A bunch of very bad men took it from me, but it wasn’t the only thing they took. They took so much more than just that. They had me for a very long time, taking more and more before someone finally came to get me away from them. Then, just as the two of us were about to get away, they took my rescuer away too. Eventually, all I had left was your mother.”
I swallowed down a gulp of dry air, finally turning to look at the door Father was on the other side of. I knew what he was talking about, and I had been wrong earlier. He did know what it was like to lose everything.
“It’s a sad thing, having nothing left. That girl out in the woods that everyone has given up on, she has nothing left. I don’t have a lot left. I don’t wear a patch over my eye because I want people to see what’s happened to me. I want those that did it to see what they’ve done. That’s what I have left. You Sean, you have so much left. Your leg isn’t something small. It’s something you’ll have to deal with the rest of your life, but I’ve seen you. In a few months, you’ll be walking, and then you’ll be perfectly fine for the rest of your life. I doubt you’ll even need help.” I sat up, wanting to grab my cane and go hug my father, but I didn’t move. He was outside my room. I couldn’t go outside my room. “You have so much left, so much that I can’t even begin to explain all that there is, but there is one thing I do know for sure. You have a friend, one that is going away for a long time, and they're waiting for you.”
My whole body grew stiff, and I could feel myself grow tired and angry. That wasn’t what I wanted to hear. Levi was not my friend, and he was not waiting for me. At least, not in the way Sean’s father thought he was.
The man outside the door continued, but I wasn’t listening anymore, choosing instead to lay back down in my bed. “There’s a lot of things waiting for you,” he said. “A lot of people, a lot of decisions, a lot of choices you can make to create a better and more just world, and you don’t want to miss any of them. I don't want you to miss any of them. So please, Sean, come out of the room. We’ll go together.”
“No,” I said simply.
There was nothing but silence for a long time, then a quiet, “Okay,” was said beyond the door. After that was the sound of a few footsteps, and I was finally alone again, away from everything else. I was safe here, alone.
The rest of the day was loud. I could hear the fanfare and music that was being played deep in the inner city even through the pillow I covered my ears with. All of it was a show for Blair, the youngest son of Lord Malcolm, who was going off to learn how to be a great soldier and a better man. I, and many others, knew the truth of it. He was leaving in hopes of proving himself to his father, and nothing more. It was a stunt created by his mother, Lady Mairead, one that Blair willingly took part of. He probably hated it, the giant party that was being thrown in his honor, but he went along with it anyway. At least, that’s what I used to know about him. That’s how Blair would think, but he wasn’t Blair. Blair didn’t exist. He was Levi.
It was late into the night when everything finally grew quiet, and not long after I heard the front door to our house open. The voices were quiet, but the walls were thin, so I heard every word they said downstairs.
“How was it?” Mother asked. She sounded tired and weak.
“It was beautiful,” Ailisa responded. “A shame the three of you didn’t come. Though I guess it’s better that you didn’t see my drunk husband make a fool of himself again.”
“I’m not drunk!” Baird slurred. Soon after I heard him flop onto a chair.
My mother didn’t respond, causing Alisa to pick the conversation back up. “Neither of them have come out of their rooms, have they?” she asked.
“No. I think I know why Aaron is having trouble, but Sean… I have no idea what is going on with him.”
“He had a fight with the little Lord,” Baird said loudly. “He probably isn’t too happy about him leaving.”
“I just don’t understand. He hasn’t been like this ever since we came to Dousin. It… worries me,” Mother said.
I felt my heart leap, and I wanted to run down and hug my mother. I wanted all her worries to go away, but I couldn’t get up. She wasn’t my mother. She was Sean’s. I wasn’t the real Sean. I couldn’t be. Not with these memories.
“I’ll go talk to him,” Baird said, seeming to sober up.
His footsteps were heavy, and the knock he made on my door seemed even heavier. I ignored it, hoping he would go away.
“Sean! Are you alright?” he asked. “Do you want to talk?”
“Not now, Baird.”
“Oh. Okay. Just… let me know when then. I’m always here, okay?”
I didn’t respond, and soon after I heard him walk back downstairs. Their worries made me feel even worse than I already did, but there was nothing I could do about it. Instead, I closed my eyes and let sleep come over me.
The next day was the same as any other. Baird left early in the morning to go tend to his shop, and Ailisa and my mother went out to the church for morning prayers. None of them would be back until nightfall, leaving me and my father alone, just like we wanted. I expected to hear Father leave his room and go out hunting without me. I doubted he would ask me, given our last conversation, which made me feel good. I didn’t want to be bothered anymore. However, instead of hearing him leave, I heard a loud thump around midday.
Instantly I shot up in my bed. That sound was too familiar. I’d heard it before, and it terrified me. There was no other noise worse than that thump. I maneuvered myself to the edge of the bed, a tedious and painful process, and grabbed my cane. With a great deal of effort, I lifted myself to my feet. I felt light, like something was lifting me up as I stood. The pain was still excruciating, but manageable. I started to walk, but found myself taking several minutes for every step.
I cursed myself, the mathear, and my leg for being so useless, but then I remembered my project I had been working on. It hadn’t worked yet, the construction of it was incredibly complicated and I still hadn’t fully worked out its design, but I tried it anyway. I opened myself up to the Nex around me, something I hadn’t done for two whole days, the longest time since I’d first learned how to do it, and sensed the water in one of the pouches I normally carried on our hunts. I pulled the water out, gesturing with my free hand, and started forming it around my leg. The shape was hard to imagine, and after several minutes I still wasn’t sure if I had gotten it right, but I started to freeze the water anyway.
Around my leg, a frozen boot appeared, crystalizing all around my calf and up to my knee. It was freezing, but it dulled the pain. Still holding onto my cane, I took a step. The pain that normally shot through my whole body was still difficult to bear, but moving my leg had become much easier. My steps, which used to take minutes to complete, became much faster, and I found myself standing in front of my door very quickly.
As I reached out to grab the door knob, I came back to myself, and I felt the spell around my leg falter as my hand began to shake. What was I doing? Had I forgotten everything because of a single sound I happened to hear? Everything outside was bad. All I was doing was getting myself hurt. There was nothing out there. My hand slowly went back down to my side, and my breathing started to speed up.
The thumping noise had long passed, but I could still hear it in my ears. That memory was playing over and over inside my head, the image of an old lady I recognized at the bottom of the stairs. She wasn’t here. If she was still alive, she was in a completely different world, and wouldn’t even recognize who I was. Who was I really, if that was the case? She wasn’t here, but Sean’s father was. My father was.
I opened the door and stepped through, holding my breath as I did so. It was terrifying, and my body shook, but I managed to calm myself down. I was still inside of my house. It wasn’t truly outside, not yet, at least. The first thing I did was check the stairs. I peered down into the first level, trying to see if anyone had fallen and needed help. There was nothing. Only emptiness and complete silence.
I wanted to go downstairs to see if anyone was there, but I didn’t know if my leg spell could handle it, so I started towards my parents room instead. I knocked lightly on the door and asked, “Father, are you alright?”
There was no response, and my heartbeat grew faster. I could hear it thumping in my chest, only enhancing the memory even more. That person lying at the bottom of the steps was hurt, and my father might be too. I knocked again, and was still met with no response. So, with no other options, I opened the door.
The room was pitch black, the only light coming from the sun rays that peaked through the window in the hallway. I could see liquid just at the edge of the light, which was strange. I hadn’t felt anything with my senses. I should’ve noticed this water the second I first opened myself to Nex, but I hadn’t. I opened the door wider, and I noticed the liquid's color was a deep red.
I ran into the room, swinging the door wide open and letting the light fully shine inside. There was blood everywhere, slowly moving across the entire room. It had gotten on everything, and there were even some sprays on the walls. In the center of the room was my father, cuts all over his arms and legs. He laid on the ground like he’d fallen headfirst, and he still held gently onto the knife in his hands.
I was at his side in an instant, my spell breaking as I knelt next to him. The pain was completely gone in my leg, replaced by a numbness that was spreading over my entire body. I was covered in blood as I wrapped my arms around my father, not knowing what else to do. I wanted to call someone for help. Anyone would do. The guards, firemen, the police, but that wasn’t how this world worked. There was no one I could call for help in time, even if there was any time left. Instead, I sobbed, my eyes pouring out tears and my voice growing hoarse with my wails. It happened again.