Anna and I met for coffee again the next time she came to town. I couldn’t help but think that buying a coffee was much more expensive for me, now that I’d reduced my hours so much. With half as much 'extra money' each paycheck, the price of coffee had effectively doubled. Was it still worth it? It sent me down a rabbit hole about how much my time was worth, which was a depressing chain of thought.

Fortunately, Anna arrived with stories to tell, and I forgot about my troubles. She was talking about someone who had moved into one of the farmhouses from the city.

“I found this guy digging a ditch up to these trees he planted.”

“I mean, that seems reasonable.”

“I said up, Milo. he planted the trees on the top of the hill behind his house.” She shook her head. “He thought if he dug deep enough, it’d be fine–it’d water their roots, or something.”

“That’s ridiculous,” I said. I imagined a steep hill, an obvious impossibility, but it occurred to me that the truth was probably more subtle. Slopes could be tricky for people who weren’t used to irrigating. “What’d you do?”

“I told him to use his hose to water them until they got big enough to water themselves. He started bitching about the water bill, so I suggested he dig himself some different holes in a more convenient location.”

“Did he follow your advice?”

“He did, actually! He moved most of the trees to a lower part of the land.”

“Glad he didn’t wait for them to get too big,” I said. “At least he’s motivated enough to dig.”

“I helped,” said Anna. “That punk was bleeding from his hands already. Typical for newcomers. I don’t suppose your hands are any stronger, though.”

“I lift weights,” I objected. “Or I used to.”

“Let me see,” she said. Anna took one of my hands and ran a finger down my palm. It tickled–I had to resist yanking it back. “Yep, as soft as a girl’s.”

“Says a girl.”

“A woman now,” she said, squeezing my hand pretty hard. I didn’t flinch–I squeezed back. Anna smiled. “You’re still fairly strong, aren’t you?”

“I’m giving you like sixty percent,” I said. “Fifty-five, maybe.”

“Stop holding back,” she responded, and I squeezed her hand until she yelped. “Jeeze, haha, fine!” I let her hand go.

“I can feel myself getting weaker, though. Maybe I should resume weights?”

“Maybe. You look a bit better than last time I saw you." The medicine was working.

“That’s good. The doctor has me on levamisole.” It was a drug that treated parasites and modulated immune function, which were both things I needed. “Maybe it’s doing me favors.”

“No amount of drugs can replace a healthy lifestyle. You should move back out of the city. There’s plenty of exercise in the countryside.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“And you said you weren’t spending as much time at work?”

“Well, I’m still working.”

“It’s only like a forty minute commute, that’s nothing to city-folk, right?”

“Did the guy who tried to get water to flow uphill tell you that?”

She set her drink down. “Good point. Maybe he’s not as smart as I thought.”

“No, I’m sure he’s very capable,” I said, waving a hand. “Just not used to the countryside yet. He’ll come around.”

She gave me an appraising look. “I’ll try to stay on good terms with him.”

“If you helped him move trees, you’re probably already there.”

“But you aren’t going to move, yourself?” she asked.

“I don’t want to give up my house. It’s in a good location.” I was thinking of Bella and the Brookes; moving away now would be too sad, because I’d lose their friendship. It also saddened me to think that I wouldn’t remain close to them if I moved away, but I knew it to be true.

“Suit yourself.”

“You should come to the city more,” I said. “In fact, there is a botanical garden that you might appreciate. If you wanted–”

“Would it be a date?” she asked, looking me in my eye. It caught me off guard. I shouldn’t have been surprised, Anna was sharp. Her stare was a challenge that I would rise to meet, so I did not look away.

“If you wanted it to be,” I said. “Yes. Want to go on a date, Anna?”

She sat back. “You’re serious. Do you want to date me, or do you just want to cure your hanahaki?”

“I–both. Obviously.”

“It’s not obvious, Milo.” She wasn’t meeting my gaze any more. “A rejection would cure your hanahaki, supposedly.”

“Supposedly,” I said. “If you reject me, I’ll accept it as best as I can.”

“You won’t even break stride,” she responded. “It doesn’t matter to you, as long as you are cured.”

“It–” fuck, I thought. I was about to lose my friend for no good reason. “It actually matters a great deal. We don’t need to rock the boat, Anna. We can go on being friends, if you prefer. You don’t even have to reject me, the cure isn’t as important to me.”

“Are you sure?”

“You know what, I don’t need an answer,” I said. “Sorry I asked.”

“Is that so?” she said. She was looking at my eyes again, and I saw that her eyes were watery. “I guess people do change, sometimes.”

“What do you mean?”

“If you’d asked me in highschool, I would have said yes. I had a crush on you back then.”

“What!” I said. I looked around; nobody was staring at me, fortunately. “Anna, what do you mean?”

“Just want I said. I was crushing on you.” She stared at her hands. “I hid it from you, obviously.”

“Why the heck would you do that?” I asked.

“What would you have answered, if I had confessed?”

“I—I don’t know.”

“That’s why,” she said. “I knew what you would say. You’ve never had any interest in girls, Milo. Only in yourself.”

I was too shocked to speak.

“You obviously didn’t care about me, not in that way. And I didn’t want to rock the boat.” She took a long drink. “It’s too late now, Milo. I don’t feel that way about you anymore, and even if I did, I know you don’t feel that way about me. Your hands are warm, but I can tell you want to keep them to yourself.”

I frowned and stared down at my coffee. “I’m sorry, Anna. About–about all of it.” She was right. I didn’t want to date her back then, and I still didn’t. I admired her, and felt close to her, but when I imagined her moving to the city to be with me, or me moving to the countryside to be with her, my imagination failed.

“Don’t be,” she said. “I thought that you were selfish, back then, but it seems like you’ve grown. At least now you value my friendship enough to give something up for it.” She stood. “Just like I did. I hope you feel better soon, Milo. Gavin and I will be there for you, as your friends.”

Anna left me alone in the coffee shop with my thoughts.

I frowned. Anna was wrong–I had been about to give up her friendship for the chance at better health. I wasn’t any less selfish. I was just better at weighing probabilities. The only thing that had stopped me from destroying our friendship for my health, was the certainty that I would be giving it up for nothing. I put my head into my hands.

I was contemptible, and I hadn’t realized it.

—

As I boiled the tea, I watched the dreamcatcher spin in the autumn wind. I’d been tutoring Bella every Saturday, but before that we started with catching up and having tea. Studying was secondary. The light was paler, now, so the dreamcatcher’s colors stood out less.

“Anna’s out,” I said to Bella as I sat down. “Check another off the list.”

“Why?”

“She used to have a crush on me, got over it, and just wants to be friends.”

You might be reading a pirated copy. Look for the official release to support the author.

“Oh,” said Bella. “I guess that makes things simpler.”

“Yeah,” I said.

“You seem put out.”

“I just… I feel like I wronged her, in the past. She knew I wouldn’t go for her and she was right.” I chuckled, but there was no mirth in it. “It’s funny how sometimes people know you better than you know yourself.”

“Your goal was to figure out how you felt,” said Bella. “I don’t see how you wronged her. You don’t owe her a date, or anything like that, just like she could always say no if you asked her instead.”

“Of course. But I wish I understood her better, so that I could be kinder to her feelings.”

“That’s a two-way street,” said Bella. “If she wants you to understand her feelings, she’s got to present them to you.”

“She didn’t trust me with them, back then, and I think she was right. I would have cut her off or started treating her differently.”

“That might not have been a bad thing. You could at least have sorted out your emotions.”

“I don’t know,” I said.

“Well, you still have her friendship,” she said. “Are you glad?”

“I think so.”

“Me too, then. That just leaves Emma. After that, we’ll have to sign you up for FlowerConnect.”

“No.”

“Well, you are running out of prospects–”

“I’m not that desperate,” I said. Bella’s forehead wrinkled as she squinted at me.

Ostensibly, it was an app for people who’d gotten rejected after having hanahaki and wanted to rebound date. Actually, it was just another dating site. FlowerConnect had a reputation that was as bad as you’d imagine. At best, you’d find some self-worth by working through your feelings with another person who could empathize. At worst, you’d be chatting with someone particularly ill-suited to providing emotional support, and adding more drama to your life.

Having a bunch of sex in the meantime wouldn’t make any of that better, but I was ninety percent sure that the ‘a bunch of sex’ part was an advertising ploy.

“So you’re considering it,” said Bella.

“It’s a hookup app!”

“And?” she responded. “Didn’t Diana say that ‘getting some’ could cure you?”

“Yeah, but that’s too scummy, even for me!”

Bella was giving me an appraising look. “Anyone you connected with would know what you were there for.”

“I’m not that kind of person, end of discussion.” She looked up at the ceiling, then sighed.

“I have an account,” said Bella, pulling out her phone.

“What?” I asked. I felt an immediate and overwhelming compulsion to ask her if she’d slept with anyone she’d met. I stomped on that feeling, hard, not knowing why, except that indicating too much interest in the question would send some sort of message to her and I didn’t know if I wanted to send that message. “What for?” I finally asked.

“To ask people for advice on overcoming hanahaki,” she said. “It’s been very helpful.”

“Have you…”

“Gone on any dates? No. I tell them the truth, that I just want advice, and they chat with me. And if they ask for a date I politely decline and reiterate what I’m after.” She leaned back. “I wish you and Anna were on my level.”

“Oh, shut the heck up,” I said. I started laughing. That she hadn’t slept with a stranger was a relief. “Jeeze. You really leave no stone unturned, huh?”

“I didn’t let my embarrassment get the better of me, no,” she said, but she was blushing pretty heavily. “I’m confused. Wouldn’t you have sex with a stranger, if it would cure you? I thought getting cured was the number one priority here.”

“I know myself well enough to know that’s a bad idea,” I said. “Sex means a lot to me. It might actually make me sick, if I fell for whoever it was and they didn’t reciprocate.” I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t thought about curing myself with sex, but I also hadn’t said anything to Bella about it.

“Have you ever even had sex?” she asked, not looking at me. Being honest here would be a challenge, and I tried to meet it.

“No, but that doesn’t matter. I know how I feel.” I was almost strong enough not to ask the obvious followup, but my will faltered. “Have you?”

She froze, but then relaxed. “No, but that’s not important, is it?”

“I was just curious. Anyway, I’m not going to use FlowerConnect.”

“What if the doctor told you to?”

“I’d get a new doctor, thank you very much.” I picked up our mugs. “Let’s talk about calculus, for now. It’ll be an easier topic!”

—

“Close the door,” said Chloe. She had a serious expression on her face; whatever secret she was about to give to me must have been bad news.

I gently closed my office door behind her, then went to sit in my chair. I’d been practically living in this place for a long time. Now that I was only working thirty-two hours a week, it was already starting to feel more alien. I had four potted plants. One had dropped several of its leaves without me noticing.

“What is it?” I asked.

“Graham was just promoted to the consultant position,” she said, her gaze locked on mine. I felt my neck tighten. “I thought you’d want to hear it from me, first.” I realized that the secret that Chloe wanted to keep was my reaction to that information, rather than the information itself. I was grateful as well as hurt.

“Why…” I said, staring down at my hands. “I thought I was doing good work.”

“You are, Milo,” said Chloe. She sat down in the second chair in my office. “That might be part of the problem. They don’t want you to do anything different. We don’t have another writer as good as you.”

“Except yourself,” I said. She waved a hand. “I’d be more productive as a senior consultant.”

“Writing isn’t something you can instruct people on,” she said. “They have to practice at the very least, and even then they might not have the knack. As a senior you wouldn’t have as much time to instruct.” Chloe was right: I enjoyed writing, and even once had aspirations to write fiction. That wasn’t something you could just install in a person.

“So I’m being punished for my abilities?”

“Welcome to the company,” she responded, leaning back with her hands behind her head. “I’m sorry, Milo.”

“Me too.”

“Is there anything I can do?” she asked. There wasn’t, but I appreciated her sympathy.

“Well, I doubt you can swing the raise that would have come with that position?”

“No, but maybe I can help you get something close,” she said. “You’re making it hard by reducing your hours.”

“That’s necessary for my health.”

“I understand. Try not to be surprised when you get the typical raise at the end of the year, though.” I sighed. My health really was more valuable than a chance at a better raise, however unfair it was to judge me on only a few months of behavior instead of outcomes I’d provided all year.

In my experience, the company would easily come up with a reason to deny a raise, even if there were dozens of reasons I might deserve one. Putting in more hours wouldn’t improve my chances much. On the other hand, the baseline of pay was already very high. I’d be donating less to charity by working less… but my health was necessary in the long run. I had to keep reminding myself of that.

“Did my decision to take Fridays off factor into me losing the promotion?”

“I don’t think so. The decision was made a month ago.” I had only skipped a few Fridays, but I’d been working twenty hours less per week, on average.

“Just before I decided to slow down, then. Just after the customer meeting.” I stood up, and walked around to lean on the back of my chair. “They must have been impressed with Graham’s performance.”

“They were. They think he’ll thrive in the new position; he’ll have the authority he needs when dealing with the customer. He’ll also have the time he needs to adjust before the next big meeting.”

“Good for him,” I said.

“Milo,” said Chloe. “Another senior position will open up eventually. You shouldn’t be all mopey.”

“Won’t it be the same story, then?” I asked.

“Circumstances change,” she said. “You should be ready to take advantage of the next opportunity that comes. Also, you’re six years younger than Graham.”

“I am?” I asked.

“Yes. His experience was a major factor in the decision.”

“He doesn’t seem like a guy approaching his thirties. I thought he was… a recent grad, or something!” My age.

“He puts up a facade,” she said. “It works for him, doesn’t it?”

“I suppose it does. Still. Just being older doesn’t make him more qualified.”

“Perhaps not,” she said. “It is what it is. Also, I looked at that girl’s resume that you gave me.”

“And?” I’d helped Emma rewrite it, with everything I knew about what our company wanted.

“We don’t have an open position, but when we do, I’ll give her a call. She seems just the right type for this place.”

“I’m glad,” I said. At least there was a bit of good news.

Later, when I congratulated Graham on his promotion, I could tell that he knew I was upset. He didn’t linger on the news, and instead changed the subject to the next customer meeting. He asked me for some advice on how to approach things.

A risky move, I’d think, if I were less generous, I might assume he couldn’t handle the position without my advice. However, now that I was paying attention I could tell he didn’t need the advice in the first place. It was just that he just wanted to show me that I was still valuable. He wanted to soften the blow.

Graham wasn’t a bad guy. I shouldn’t hate him, for getting something that I’d wanted. I gave him genuine advice that he didn’t need, to show that even though I was jealous I wasn’t his enemy.

He understood on both levels. We’d be able to work together.

—

I was pretty upset when I went to the soup kitchen that evening. The lights buzzed above, drawing insects, and the sound was like the indignity at the back of my mind. Monotonous, drawing pestilence into a place that should have fed my spirit.

When I walked through the door I got right to work peeling potatoes. The possibility of cutting myself forced me to concentrate. It helped me calm down a bit. Doing dishes was the least favorite chore of most volunteers, but potatoes were a close second, so I could feel good about taking that off the others’ hands as well.

“What’s up?” asked Emma. She’d grabbed a knife and was there to assist me. “You seem, I don’t know, down-trodden.”

“I lost a promotion I’d wanted,” I said as I cut an eye out of a potato. “I’d been working hard for it, and I deserved it, but the company had other ideas.”

“That really sucks. You can’t ever trust your employer, can you?”

“An absolute truth,” I said.

“I’m not sure I want to work for them, then.”

“Well, there are other benefits,” I said. “Literal, actual benefits–healthcare, 401k, that sort of thing. My word might not carry your resume very far, but the person I gave it to was impressed at least.” I tossed the potato I’d been working on into the bin. “It may be a while before we have an open position, sadly.”

“That’s fine,” she said, “For all I complain about my jobs, my life is actually going pretty well.”

“I’m glad,” I said.

“I’m sorry about your health issues,” she responded.

“It’s fine. I’ve been doing much better, in fact. I didn’t need surgery last time, and the new drugs are easier to deal with.” I’d also gone in for a test, and the hanahaki wasn’t returning. They didn’t want to scan my lungs every time, to limit radiation exposure, but there were endoscopes for the purpose instead.

“That’s good, but I still wish there was some way I could help.” I remembered my conversation with Bella about FlowerConnect, a few weeks before, and felt my face turn red. I hoped Emma didn’t see.

“I appreciate it,” I said, lamely.

“I was thinking we might go on a date?” A potato slipped out of my hand and I cut myself.

“Ouch!”

“Oh my gosh!” said Emma. “I didn’t mean to surprise you! Here, let me get you a bandaid.”

“You want to date me?” I asked. I went to the sink and rinsed my cut. It stung, but I couldn’t focus on it at all. Emma came forward to wrap the wound in a bandaid.

“Well, if you want to,” she said. “I read an article that people who date are resistant to hanahaki, or something. It’s not a big deal… just thought I’d ask now, before it’s too late.”

“Too late?”

“I obviously can’t start dating you after I join your company,” she said. I was surprised; Emma had been giving this some thought.

Perhaps more importantly, she didn’t seem afraid of the possibility of destroying our friendship.

“Good point,” I said. “Yes, I think I would like a date.”

Emma smiled. Her default look was suspicious, or strained, even. It made her smile all the more intense, like a switch being thrown and a hidden room being lit up.

“Where do you want to go?” I asked. I had some ideas, but Emma had been the one to offer.

“Bowling,” she said.