Bella and I went for another walk along the riverside. The winter air turned our breath to steam. Thermoregulation outside during the winter was tricky, but as long as you were walking you could wrap yourself up and control your pace to keep warm. I’d taken to wrapping my mouth in a scarf, to keep my lungs from getting irritated. It also helped keep me warm.

Bella was talking about her first round of finals, and how they had been far easier than she’d expected. “I feel like I sprinted to catch a bus that was still a few stops away.”

“It gets harder,” I said. “They want you to be committed before they give you difficult challenges.”

“I hope you’ll help me then, too.” We walked up a slope, and I started to huff and puff.

“I need to start on the treadmill again,” I said. “My stamina is garbage.”

“You should only do that if you think you are ready,” she said. “I wouldn’t mind going to the gym instead, though.”

Bella had been with me to the gym a few times by then. Fortunately, none of the gym bros had approached her. I knew that the vast majority of gym-goers were polite and only self-interested, but for those rare few who weren’t, I was glad to be there with Bella. My presence seemed to mark her as off-limits.

“People probably think we are dating,” I said. “Or maybe that you’re my kid sister.”

“I don’t think I care what other people think,” said Bella.

“You have to admit it’s useful, though. Keeps fools from asking you out.” Fools like I had been with Diana.

“Perhaps. Do you suppose Diana had wanted you around for that purpose?” Sometimes it was like she could read my mind.

“To ward off others? I hadn’t thought of that.” I kicked a piece of gravel on the trail. “I never saw her with a guy before, or since for that matter.” I hadn’t seen Diana since she’d lied to me. She had acknowledged my text saying we didn’t have to work out together, then ghosted me. I was ninety percent confident that she had switched gyms.

“I’m sorry she’s no longer your friend,” said Bella.

“It’s fine. I shouldn’t be afraid of things like that. Also, I’ve got a much better exercise partner now.” Bella gave a small smile.

“Thank you.” She poked my shoulder. “Now that you’re dating someone, I’m glad I can repay you for the tutoring in some other way.”

“I keep telling you that you don’t have to repay me. I would tutor you for free.” I sometimes thought our tutoring sessions were more review for me, than Bella. I found that I missed classes and lessons. I was even considering returning to school, although I had a year and a half before Bella caught up to where I had been.

“I’d probably work out for free, too,” she said. “I enjoy it a lot more than I thought I would.”

“Being told that exercise is good for mental health, and experiencing it, are completely different things.”

“I’m afraid that I’m not as good an influence as Diana was, though.” She was referring to my ongoing weakness.

“Hanahaki put me through the wringer,” I said. “It’s definitely not your fault.” I lifted twice a week, once again, but it wasn’t making me stronger very quickly. At least I could still jog for a little bit, which had kept me from getting fat.

“I never knew how terrible hanahaki was, until I helped you deal with it,” said Bella.

“It isn’t, for most people,” I said. “Although almost everybody goes around with reduced lung capacity. It might be hurting humanity in ways we don’t understand.”

“Perhaps,” she said. “Don’t you have another appointment coming up?”

“I do,” I said. “I was thinking of canceling it. This is the easiest my life has ever been, so there’s no way stress is making me sick.”

“You should go,” said Bella. “It took months and months for you to notice, the first time. Also, aren’t you still feeling off?”

“I’ll have to meet my deductible, again,” I said. I had less money than before.

“I think it’s worth it.”

“Then I will. You know what, you could tell me to walk into the river and I’d probably do it.” Bella looked taken aback.

“What are you even saying?”

“Following your advice has only made my life better. It’s a refreshing change of pace.” I smiled at her, then realized she couldn’t see it through my scarf. I pulled it down.

“Thank you,” said Bella, smiling back. She’d been down recently, so seeing her smile made me happy. She turned and continued to walk, and her expression changed. “Is that person running toward us?”

A woman with blond hair was approaching like a loosed arrow. I recognized her as she got closer.

“It’s Emma!” I said. I began to wave. “Looks like you’ll finally get to meet her.” Bella didn’t seem excited at the prospect. Emma ran up to us.

“Milo,” she said. “Is that you?”

“Oh, yeah,” I said as I pulled off the scarf entirely. “Sorry about that.”

“Who’s this?”

“My neighbor Bella,” I said. “Bella, this is Emma.” Bella stuck out her hand, and Emma reluctantly shook it.

“What are you two doing out here?” I felt my face reddening. Emma was probably having a misunderstanding, and correcting it would be super awkward.

“A walk along the riverside. Bella is helping me stick to my exercise routine.” I had to indicate that nothing was amiss, as soon as possible–and the first step would be making sure Emma didn’t feel excluded. “Why don’t you join us? Were you busy?”

Emma blinked. “I was stopping by the store… but that sounds good.” She fell into step as we resumed our walk. Emma was on my right and Bella was on my left. They were similar in height, but made an intense contrast with each other. Emma was bright and Bella was dark, in multiple senses.

I felt both of them looking past me, at each other, and it made me want to be somewhere else.

“Milo has told me so many good things about you,” said Bella.

“Funny, he hasn’t mentioned you,” said Emma. I felt my jaw tighten at the oversight. Neither of them would be happy with me. “How do you know each other, anyway?”

I explained that Bella was my neighbor, and I’d become friends with her after helping her parents.

“The Brookes?” asked Emma.

“Just so.”

“Ah, and this is their daughter. The one you’re tutoring in calculus.” She looked toward Bella again, and I finally backed up enough so they’d be next to each other. “I thought you were a kid.”

“I’m in college.” Bella frowned, glancing back at me. I wisely didn’t point out that this meant I had mentioned her, technically.

“A young college student. I see. So, you’ve known Milo for a while?”

“About four years,” said Bella. While that was true, we’d become much closer in the last year, as she’d helped me fight my illness.

“Longtime friends.”

“That’s right, he’s a good friend. He told me that you both volunteer?” Bella knew this well enough to not have to ask about it; she was giving Emma a chance to elaborate on how she knew me. It was a nice thing to do, to put the conversational ball in Emma’s court. It might even have been an attempt to de-escalate.

Emma wasn’t having it. Her jaw was tight in anger.

“That’s right. We’ve been volunteering together for a while. I’m sure you’ve noticed how concerned Milo is with charity.”

“I have. It’s admirable.”

“He gives things away way too often… like tutoring.” I wasn’t sure what Emma was trying to communicate, but her tone was frostier than the air. My chest had started to hurt, so I covered my mouth with the scarf again.

“He is very nice, yes,” said Bella. “How’d you end up dating?” If that was a jab, it was far subtler; I couldn’t detect any venom in Bella’s voice.

A case of literary theft: this tale is not rightfully on Amazon; if you see it, report the violation.

“You may not know, but Milo was sick with hanahaki last year.”

“I knew that much,” said Bella. “It was pretty bad, wasn’t it? My parents visited him in the hospital, although I couldn't make it.”

“Well, I helped him get better,” said Emma. I saw Bella’s face contort.

“He was ill for you, then?”

“Well–even if he wasn’t, I’m here for him now. I asked him out.”

“That’s odd, Milo is normally so direct about his goals.” Bella put a finger to her chin. “You’d think he’d have made the first move, to cure his sickness. Tell me, did he seem enthusiastic to start dating you?”

This was getting out of hand. I didn’t know how to go about disentangling it in the slightest, but every moment I remained silent made this worse.

“Well, I’m feeling a bit tired, so perhaps–” I said.

“Milo tries not to inconvenience others,” Emma interjected. “He should be a role model to you.”

“He is, as a matter of fact,” said Bella. “I know a lot about how he does things. I know, for example, that his hanahaki was entirely stress-induced, and that what he needs most right now is to avoid stress. So why are you acting this way?”

“I found my boyfriend having a romantic walk with a strange woman,” responded Emma. “A strange girl, rather. How should I react?”

“You should try to understand the situation before you come barging in. Are you stupid, or something?”

“I’m not the one who needs a tutor.”

“Milo told me that you were impulsive, but he understated it.” I didn’t recall saying anything of the sort to Bella.

“He didn’t speak of you at all, except as the neighbor’s kid,” said Emma. “Seems like an overstatement.”

“Could you two stop–” I said, but this time it was Bella who talked over me.

“Could it be that you saw an opportunity and took it, irrespective of what would be good for Milo? I think you asked him out without knowing anything about him. Which, fine, but not the best for him, is it?”

“I knew I wanted to help him get better,” said Emma. “That’s all I needed to know. I care about him.”

“I don’t think you do,” Bella said, biting out every word.

“Bella,” I said, and she looked at me with a naked hurt that almost stopped me in my place.

“I’ll be going. I wouldn’t want to get in the way of anything.” Bella walked ahead at speed. I wanted to chase after her, but Emma grabbed my hand.

“Let her go,” said Emma. “She’s obviously out of sorts.” I reluctantly matched Emma’s pace as Bella disappeared. We walked in silence for a few moments.

“It’s really cold today,” said Emma. “Not a very good day for a walk, at all. We should–”

“Why were you so rude to her?” I asked. Emma sighed, and the sigh turned to a growl as her anger came out.

“I was rude? To some girl hanging out with my boyfriend?”

“Yes, you were.” I pulled my hand out of Emma’s. “She had a point, you know. Instead of making all sorts of assumptions, you could have just come to talk to us.”

“You can’t seriously be taking her side in this.”

“It’s not about sides, it’s about the right way to approach things.”

“Walking around with strange women isn’t the right way,” said Emma, with anger dripping from her voice. “Not telling me about other girls is definitely not the right way.”

“Are you listening to yourself?” I asked, ignoring the point she had. “I have a good friend, who happens to be a woman. What’s the problem?”

“I saw you two before I realized it was you,“ said Emma. “I could see you walking and talking. You aren’t acting like friends.” She stopped, forcing me to stop and look back at her. “Actually, we’re going to deal with this right here and now.”

“What do you mean?”

“Is this why you’re so hesitant with me? So unaffectionate?” Emma’s voice was getting louder. “I thought you were a gentleman… but what you are, is what, pining for someone else?”

“Look, Emma, it’s…” I didn’t know what it was.

Emma was attractive–it was undeniable. My breath got faster whenever she touched me. Kissing her had been exciting and unfamiliar, a whole aspect of human experience I’d never had the time to seek out. And yet, more often than not it left me feeling hollow.

I didn’t want to be physically intimate with Emma. I wanted to volunteer with her, or get better at bowling, or go to the gym. I wanted to have some aspect of growth, to counter all the setbacks I’d experienced after getting sick. But it wasn’t like I was attracted to Bella any more than that.

I’d seen Bella at the gym, in her workout clothes. She was pretty too, but not–

“Me, or Bella,” responded Emma. “Which do you choose?”

“What? ”

“It all just comes down to that,” she said. “You can only have one girlfriend, Milo.”

“I only have one girlfriend,” I said. “It’s you.”

“Good. So you won’t spend any more time with Bella, then?” Her voice was warbling, whiplash from her earlier rage.

“You can’t be serious,” I said. Emma had started to cry. It made my blood pressure rise; Anna had done this, before walking all over me. “I shouldn’t have to choose! I can have both a girlfriend and a girl who’s a friend!”

“I really was trying to help you get better,” she said. “What Bella said was very hurtful.”

I shook my head. “You both were awful to each other.”

“Us both?” shouted Emma, eyes wide.

“I told her about you, it’s true,” I said. “She was rooting for us, Emma. She told me to ask you out. I was the one who hesitated.”

“Why?” she asked, her voice going cold.

“I wasn’t sure if I wanted to date you–or just to get better! Which wouldn’t have been fair to you!”

“Well? Do you want to date me, or not?”

“Yes!” I said.

“Then let go of Bella.”

“No.” Emma’s face contorted. “Emma–”

“Fine.” She turned and left. I tried to keep up with her, and couldn’t; she started to run.

I was alone. My scarf was wet and restrictive; I couldn’t breathe. But when I removed it, the air outside made my lungs ache. I didn’t feel like I could breathe that air, either.

Neither Bella nor Emma responded to my texts. I had no doubt whose fault it was.

—

I kept expecting one of them to respond, or to reach out. Emma broke the silence first.

In a long text, she explained that she’d just wanted to be a hero, like I was, and that she’d thought I needed someone to date to overcome my sickness. She now realized that it was selfish of her to try to play the hero irrespective of my feelings. She’d rushed into a relationship with me. She wanted time to think about what she really needed.

Emma dumped me via that text.

I thought about sending the news to Bella, who still hadn’t responded to me. I decided it wasn’t worth the effort; she had excused herself from my drama. I’ll admit I was mad at her, but I didn’t really want to fight. What I’d learned was sometimes it was better just to let things go.

I had somehow lost both of them, except, I knew circumstances would bring us back into each other’s presence. I lived next to Bella; she couldn’t avoid me forever. As for Emma, well, I still volunteered.

The next Monday I went back into the soup kitchen. I’d expected at least a painful conversation, but Emma wasn’t there. Boris frowned at me as he unloaded big cotton bags full of donated food.

“Emma has asked me to schedule her, only days you are not here,” he said. Boris was probably mad at me too, if I’d offended his favorite regular. I frowned back at him.

“She’s still taking some of the leftovers with her, right?”

“It is true.”

“Well, I suppose that settles it.” Emma was at the soup kitchen six days a week, and I was only there for two or three. When you considered it from that perspective, the utilitarian one, it was a no-brainer. Emma was more valuable than me and got more value than me as well. Also, I needed to capitulate in some way to show I recognized that this was my fault.

“I think you should schedule her as much as she wants.”

“That is every day, or close.”

“So be it,” I said.

“Milo,” he said, his voice serious. “Coming here makes you happy, yes?”

“Probably not as happy as it makes her.”

“You need happiness.”

“I can find other ways of being happy,” I said. “And you have my number. If a slot ends up free, give me a call, I’ll probably come in.”

“Emma is doing it for food, not for anyone else.” Even if that were true, it didn’t mean she was contemptible or something. Also, I’d been helping others a lot less than before as far as donations were concerned. I wouldn’t be the pot that called the kettle black.

“The food is why we are here, though,” I said. “It’s fine if that’s why she does it. Doing it to be happy isn’t as valid a reason as doing it to survive, right?”

“I would give food to her, and you keep volunteering, as well.” He hefted another bag into the back. “She could come in and get it, and just go home.”

“Would she take it if she had to come get it from me?”

“I do not know,” he said. “Maybe not.”

“There you are,” I said. “Thank you, Boris. You do good work here. I’ll help however I can, even if that’s by stepping back.”

“You are trying to leave,” he said. “Why?”

I swallowed. Why was I pushing so hard to quit going to the soup kitchen? I looked around. The walls were greasy and unkempt. The stacks of canned goods, the sacks of rice; they were all about to expire, or expired already. They were heavy. The tables would soon be full of downtrodden people. I’d have to stand all night to serve them.

They were people who were having a rough time and needed help. People who relied on generosity to survive. People that could be exhausting, when I thought about it, and I was already exhausted. I wanted to help them... but I wasn’t sure I had it in me anymore.

“I don’t know,” I finally said. I knew, I just couldn't admit it to myself: I didn’t have the energy for volunteering.

“You are a good kid, Milo. You will do good anywhere. Be happy, anywhere.” He clapped my back once. “Come back, when you want?”

“I will,” I said.

Economists talk about revealed preferences. People will say all kinds of things, but when they spend their money–or other resources, like time and energy–you can tell what they really want.

I found, in the weeks after my breakup with Emma, that I’d rather go to the gym than the soup kitchen. It probably revealed ugly things about me, but I had decided that my health was my first priority. I did feel a bit lonely, though. When I was at the gym I kept hoping that Bella would choose to go there and that I’d run into her.

I never did go back to the soup kitchen.