~~~
In his bed, he slept. In his bed, he dreamed.
He dreamed of a better life…
~~~
(Branch of Reality, Euclid’s Room)
It is easy for the core to simulate a world filled with humans.
It is simulating the Inspired that takes real effort…
- Loading Blurb
If it was some different, better world, I might have been sleeping soundly while my other selves played the game anticipating the time they would emerge and grant me power. That was merely a dream that I would forget as soon as I woke up.
My night was just a normal night with nothing exceptional going on. It was 3:30am right now, but under the cover of sheets, the night soon gave way to day and 5 hours later I drowsily opened my eyes.
I looked around for a moment, feeling as if something was missing, but there was nothing strange in the room. My trusty PC rig that my dad got me a few years ago was still there. It wasn’t top of the line, but it was still pretty good.
I got dressed and went into the living room.
“Hey, mom. What’s for breakfast?” She smiles at me and says.
“Good morning, Yuki. How about a toast?”
“Sure.” I take a seat while mom prepares it for me.
After eating a cheese and ham toast, I go back to my room and press the power button on my rig. It comes on and I spend my time until lunch playing games with only the intermittent bathroom breaks. While faint in the morning, the light from the outside reaches its apex of intensity. I didn’t notice anything as I clicked away at my seat.
“Euclid, lunch!” She called out to me.
“Coming mom!” I put down my headphones and ran out of the room.
It wasn’t long until I returned and resumed my gaming session until the room got dark. Then I went to have dinner, brushed my teeth and went to bed.
I slept, and when the day came, I got up and played games on the computer the entire day.
It was pretty fun.
(Branch of Reality, Way To School)
[https://i.imgur.com/63xvnEB.png]
Backpack on my shoulders, I left the house early in the morning and had to walk some distance away to get to the bus stop. In contrast to the elementary and middle school that I went to, the bus ride to the high school took 45m per trip. This wasted 1.5 hours of my life each weekday which I hated. The rest of my classmates chartered away, while I just stood there in silence waiting for the bus to come, which it did in a couple of minutes.
We boarded and I found an empty seat. I shared it with some guy. After greeting him, I just laid back on my seat and closed my eyes. My mind is too hyperactive to ever fall asleep during the day, but the trip was boring and I was drowsy from the early awakening, so I did the most comfortable thing I could even if the seats themselves weren’t particularly comfortable.
(Branch of Reality, School)
The first class started.
I did well paying attention during the first class, but in the later classes the meaninglessness of the study material started to get to me. I was fine during the earlier years. I vaguely remember actually enjoying elementary school. But as I grew more mature, I started to feel school was filler.
When I finished middle school and it was time to move out, I remember feeling wanting to achieve something greater in high school. I wanted a greater challenge. I wanted the adventure to start.
The first week was absolutely heartbreaking in its dullness. Instead of interesting teachers, I just got some robots parroting things from a book. Every once in a while they would call us out to quiz us, but it is obvious to me that none of this material would have any use. It is not really a test of ability. If I really wanted any of the knowledge in real life, I’d just google it.
Instead, I have to waste my time trying to put this useless stuff into my brain. It is like we are being trained to compete in a quiz. I realized that at some level we are being tested on our conformism.
I felt that it was deeply unfair that to proceed in society you had to really believe in it even while it gave all the signs that it is not worth believing in.
I spent my days in boredom.
My only respite was the time after school was over.
(Branch of Reality, Euclid’s Room)
Click! Click! Tap! Tap!
I really like games. More than just that, I believed in them. I did like novels, books, manga, anime, movies and comics as well, but the games themselves are the ultimate artform.
I didn’t have a particular vision of what was going to happen, but if you looked 20 years ago, the games were a lot more primitive than they are now. So by playing games I’ve felt like I was fulfilling a duty and being on the right side of any future waves.
And most of all, I liked exploring the game worlds and conquering them for its own sake.
As I sit here on my desk, and play my games. My life is pretty fulfilling.
(Branch of Reality, School)
Out of boredom, I picked up the habit of sleeping at the desk. Since it was the front row the professors really hated it, and at best I got only passing grades. A far cry from my time in middle school, though I was never the top student either way.
During gym, the rest played sports while sort of hobbling along not bothering to take the game seriously. It was comical that I’d just lightly jog around the playground while the ball avoided me.
“Goddamit, move nerd!” I ignored the jock.
I wasn’t really bullied, but I sure was looked down on for my performance.
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I truly hated this place.
But at some level, I wish I’d liked it. Had I had those desires, then my 4 years would surely have been a lot more fun than the hellish tedium they have been.
(Branch of Reality, Way To School)
[https://i.imgur.com/ORmfvml.png]
I endured it. Getting looked down and bullied on rare occasions was not that big of a deal.
I rode the bus back and forth every day. Forward in the morning, and back in the afternoon.
At the time it felt like it would never be over, but soon enough it was. I put in my 1,200 bus rides and that part of my life was over.
(Branch of Reality, Farewell Party At School)
The only thing I remember from that day is some girls singing happily on stage. It made me somewhat emotional. I was glad that I would finally leave this disgusting place, but the bright song was tugging at my heartstrings, making me regretful. My will is truly like a ball of clay.
But that last day was soon to be over, and I boarded the bus for my last ride. I would never again have to come to this place that is like a prison, where I am forced to do other people’s bidding.
(Branch of Reality, Euclid’s Room)
I played on the computer over the summer. On my mom’s suggestion, I signed up to some IT college that would have me in the big city, but I dropped out soon enough. To begin with, the classes were non-mandatory and had a weird system where instead of us having to listen to the professors drone on non-stop, we had to chase them down in order to get their schedules as well.
The ride for the big city was 1:15h long, half an hour longer than it took me to get to high school, and I was keenly aware of how much the bus fare cost the entire time. It wasn’t subsidized like high school education was. I wasn’t the one paying for it, but as a rule, the more burden I put on my parents the more they will put on me, so I was wary about spending money on traveling. And most importantly, after my high school experience, I did not feel like studying at all anymore.
I regretted my lack of desire in high school, and blamed my lack of motivation on the task not having sufficient reward. Grades weren’t anything important to me. It took me a few months to find my way, but I changed and got into trading stocks, forex, commodities, cryptos.
I could never make anything of it.
The reason was that I lacked the patience to be a trader. I spent the whole time searching for a system that would make me a market wizard and give me >100% per year returns, but could never find anything that would give me above moderately high returns. That would never be enough for me. I wanted to get rich quickly in 6 months and as a result spent 7 years making nothing. My great desires lead me astray.
After my grandmother died, 7 years later after the end of high school, I decided to change again. When she died, I was with my relatives and cried the whole night, hating myself for never achieving anything. I realized that it is not enough to have desire. The desires themselves have to lead you to the right answer.
Desires give birth to goals, and not vice versa.
I was always good at programming, so I became one.
(Branch of Reality, Euclid’s Room, In Front Of The Monitor)
[https://i.imgur.com/3sRsLRs.png]
Tap!
Lines of code reflecting off my glasses, I pressed the enter key on the keyboard and finished putting the last line of code into place. Then I leaned back on my gaming chair.
Programming is exhausting and after every day I’d feel mentally drained. I had grand ambitions, but now I was doing irrelevant work for irrelevant people, myself being irrelevant. I still lived with my parents and did remote work.
I could never find my way and lived day to day. The money I never spent went up in my bank account. I even went back to trading, and thanks to my wealth of experience did well, making even more money.
The way I looked at games changed. Whereas I loved them as a kid, my grand ambitions made me look at them more critically. Once I realized I was just autistically making numbers go up, I lost the desire to play them even if I could appreciate them at some level.
I still played games and read manga and watched anime, but they were not what I wanted.
What I wanted was my belief in technology to be fulfilled. I wanted something much better than what existed now, to fill the void in my heart much like I desired trading to do originally.
(Branch of Reality, Euclid’s House’s Living Room)
“Hi, Yuki!” The bright sunny smile of my mother greeted me. It was just a memory being replayed in my mind. When I was in my mid 30s, she had contracted cancer and a few years later she had passed away. Even before that, she lost her energy and spent her time lying on the couch. I regret not being able to do anything for her.
Right now the house is empty, and I could hear only the tic toc of the wall clock as it counted the seconds. It is a very profound emptiness, and I endure it. I endure it and my loneliness, much like I have endured boredom in class so many years ago. Everyday I do it.
It is just me and dad now. I open the fridge to make breakfast for myself. Later, I will make lunch for both of us. I’ve learned how to cook in the past few years ever since that event.
(Branch of Reality, The Picture of Young Euclid, His Father And Mother On The Shelf)
I fear the passage of time. I hold the picture with my grizzled hand and put it back on the shelf. I thought about throwing it away so many times, in order to forget my memories. I did so a few times, but always I’d dig out the picture frame out of the trash after a few minutes and put it back.
After that I’d accepted that I’d be filled with regrets and loneliness for as long as I remain alive.
My father died last year, and I am in my 50s currently. It was the same thing that took my mother, and I couldn’t do a thing to help him.
Our grandfather built this house by hand, left it to his son, and now my father has left it to me. After I die, it will go into the hands of my relatives.
I’ve accumulated a lot of money throughout my life, and haven’t been working for a few years now.
Instead, much like when I was a kid, I’d play games. And I’d endure boredom. And I’d endure loneliness.
I used to like the novels where protagonists would get reincarnated to a better world and given powers. Life would be so easy if I had something like an RPG system and could buy stat points and abilities using experience.
I’ve played so many games.
I’ve read so much manga.
I’ve watched so much anime.
I’ve yearned for it…
I’ve waited for such a long time…but nobody came to give me such a world. For me, the adventure never started, and instead I am only greeted by loneliness and the passage of time, withering away and decaying day by day.
The games as an artform never moved beyond what humans were capable of making. The new worlds they made were old words I’ve seen many times by now.
I don’t have a wife, nor do I have children. I will never have them.
Just what could I ever pass on to them? This house? My money?
These broken desires that are making me live like an animal and leading me into the abyss? This life of waiting to die? This hatred for the things I used to love?
(Branch of Reality, Euclid’s Room)
[https://i.imgur.com/NI0akXg.png]
“Mhhhh…” I toss and turn in bed uncomfortably. I dream about my parents. I dream about my classmates. Even though I resented the latter, in the dream they were kind to me for some reason. I can’t pin down exactly what is happening in the dream, but I feel myself being in class and looking out the window and the clear blue skies above. I can feel that the people around me are looking at me with warmth. Those were the sugary days.
I’d give anything to get those times back now.
“Hah,hah,hah!” I wake up in cold sweat and throw off my sheets, panting heavily. And after I calm down I grit my teeth and feel fury.
That is not real. Other people would never look at me with kindness. At least, certainly not my old classmates!
After getting my mental firmness back, I remember what my grandma told me about turning my head the other way after a nightmare, and I go back to sleep.
(Branch of Reality, Bad End - Chained By Desires)
[https://i.imgur.com/yZNnY1O.png]
Ten years of nightmare filled nights and days of loneliness later, I was broken…
(TODO Image: A crying, desperate old man is crouching on his knees and elbows, howling in the lonely, darkness of his room. Above and before him towers the desk of his computer rig. And on its top sits a black monitor, towering imposingly over him. The dominating, white glow emanating from its screen illuminates his grizzled form.)
“God…” I cry, tears streaking down my face.
“Please God…”
“Please God…”
“Please God…” I beg the God that I know certainly does not exist.
“Make it stop…”
“Please! I can’t take it anymore!”
“Please God…”
“Please God…”
“Why does…what I desire…?”
I cried, and pleaded to God, never receiving an answer in return. Never did I receive power nor new desires.
I cried for an hour, and then unable to bear the weight of my own heart, I took my own life that night, finally freeing myself from this nightmare of a life.