(Helix Studio, Skylark Island, Euclid’s Tree House)
[https://i.imgur.com/zfVdJyh.png]
[Externus Check DC 2.5 Failed - Sampled 2.35]
I shudder under the bed sheets of my leaf bed. I am completely enveloped by the sheets, unable to see the light outside. The feeling of dysphoria is overwhelming me. It feels like I am trying to run away from myself. Just what is going on with me? I’ve been supremely comfortable in battle earlier, but now I am clutching at myself, I can’t stop myself from shivering at the alien feeling of my body. This strange, smooth, female body. I feel like I am wracked with a fever and yet I know very well that it is impossible.
I am going insane. My mind feels like a tautly pulled cord most of whose strings have already been snapped from the strain.
I’ve considered going back into a male body countless times already, but every time I simulated it, I ran into the conclusion that I’d be going against my principles. Before I can allow myself to go back, I need to prove to myself that male would be better than female, but I can’t. The poison has seeped into my soul and it is too late for me!
Everything I’ve said about the path of divine seduction was just posturing, there is no such path! I am just being corrupted into being a lewd slut!
I could beat those badass spiderbots, but I cannot defeat having tits!
Ahhhhh!
In horror, I scream wordlessly under the sheets, feeling like somebody else is wearing my skin!
*Snap!*
The cord breaks and something in me dies.
I throw open the sheets and sit upright. I do not notice the light. My eyes are as empty as the void.
It is official. I’ve lost my mind completely.
There is something wrong with the program running my mind. That is the only conclusion I can reach. Right now I am in a state devoid of emotion, running on pure cold blooded reasoning. My heart that was so filled with warmth during battle is now a block of ice.
When a person becomes suspicious of what gives him power, he is gone for good. That is where I am now. My plan right now is to figure out what is wrong with me, write up a report to my other self, and remove myself for good. I can only hope that he didn’t go insane like I did as well. He shouldn’t have since he hadn’t decided to become a woman.
I guess things like this happen. Maybe we will have to rerun one of our backups before the Desert matches. They can pick through our records and find out where we went wrong. At any rate, I am not too far gone, I still care about my other selves. I will do a good job before I remove myself from the picture.
I open up Helix Studio, and bring up my mental program. I go through the code, refresh my understanding of it, and try to analyze alternative pathways. In the programming zone my dysphoria leaves me and my heart warms up.
I start having fun again. My only goal right now is to figure out my mental issues through the act of programming. This has the effect of rewiring my desires.
I make no real progress for a long while, maybe a quarter of the real world minute. I compare what I have to alternatives, but none of them have a chance of being better than the algorithm I have here. In the end I realize it through cold blooded rationality, why I am experiencing this strain.
It is the old me! He is somewhere inside of me like a ghost! Because during the self improvement process I’ve subconsciously internalized the goal of keeping a stable identity, the mental program I am using is prevented from completing my identity transformation. I am stuck in a perpetual loop, poisoned by my past beliefs.
The reason I was tricked is because outwardly he would be accepting of my action, but that is the same thing as him saying he would approve of the Desert game or the Heaven’s Key matches. Yes, he would. But he certainly wouldn’t sit in with them, not for all those thousands and millions of years! And he could never push himself into going through some of the depraved stuff I have in mind! There is a big difference between watching and acting in a porn movie!
I am like a kid being afraid of being scolded by my parents. They don’t have to scold me directly, at a certain point a child will learn to anticipate their reaction and feel bad about things himself. Admittedly, falling into depravity is a common feature in Simulacrum stories. Hell, the Inspired who start the path of transcendence past the age of 30 don’t waste time swapping bodies to female ones. They don’t even explain why they are doing it, as if it was super obvious why somebody would want to be a shitty female.
I thought they were some kind of weird degenerates, so I am surprised to see that happening to someone as based as me. Oh maaan! I’ve been had!
I hold my face in my hands, feeling like I’ve been scammed.
Sigh.
I sigh ruefully.
Anyway, instead of changing my mental program at the root, it seems to be perfectly fine as it is, I’ll just apply some psychotherapy to myself. This is really easy in fact. Humans have to carry their mental illnesses as baggage, but now that I know what my problem is all I need to do is to desire it to go away. It is not like I haven’t desired to try out the female form, but I’ve been tossed in too deep, too early.
I should just believe in my desires, no matter how degenerate and depraved they are as long as they are inline with my goals. I put a lot of effort into making a program to optimize them rather than just using whatever crap nature started me off with, so I do not have to keep doubting my inner voice so much like when I was a human.
Feel myself getting smug, I clench my first. Alright!
It is time for some ‘training’!
(Helix Studio, Skylark Island, Water Pools)
[https://i.imgur.com/qupPUWi.png]
I land at the bathing area and detach my fairy wings. Compared to when I was a man, I bet they would look really fetching on me right now, much more appropriate for a cute girl such as myself.
“Disgusting!” Somewhere inside me I hear a voice, but I ignore it, wishing it only death. It already pushed me towards the breaking point once, let’s see if it can do it again now that I know what it is.
[https://i.imgur.com/tAlbYKw.png]
The first order of business is to prepare one of the pools for bathing as currently they are ice cold. With a wag of my finger I do the Heat Ball spell. I douse it into the water and swirl it around, heading the pool up. Then I have it occupy the space near the entrance of the pool so the water coming in is appropriately heated.
I start to get aroused as I think about what is to come next. The undressing.
Some distance from the pool, first I take off the opera gloves that came with the red outfit. My personal preference is bare skin, so I won’t be wearing it from here on out. Then I lean down and untie my shoes before gently placing them to the side. My arms are smooth and slender, and my hands feminine. I check out for a while, admiring their beauty and work of art. Then I lean forward and grab the rim of my red thigh high sock. I drag it down enjoying the sensation of the sock being pressed downward, and with impeccable balance take it off. Then I do the same for the other one.
[https://i.imgur.com/KlnDpK6.png]
My bare girly feet are now on the cold, rocky ground. I lean forward and look at my legs, really look at them, burning them into my mind. They are curvaceous and supple in a way my man legs could never compare. Smooth and hairless much like my arms, and unlike my man body, they are true works of art. The way they curve from the side, and the front and the back is simply divine. The light hue of my skin is clear and unblemished regardless of where I look.
“They're supposed to be on a woman, not on you!” I ignore the voice, letting the mental program do its job.
I run my hands through my legs, enjoying touching such a graceful work of art. I immerse myself in the sensation of touching such soft tissue. I love it!
Flush with excitement, I decide to move on to the next piece.
“No, stop!” I don’t stop, I keep going!
[https://i.imgur.com/GQas8TK.png]
The red dress I am wearing hangs from my chest off a thin elastic strap that goes around my body. I love how it leaves my back and shoulders bare. The spinal line of my body is particularly enticing. I give my shallow chest a grope and feel its softness. I breathe in deeply, feeling the heat spreading through the entirety of my body.
“Blergh.” I grin at the vomiting in the background and continue my exploration.
My small breasts are really pads to accentuate my feminine figure and serve as a line of protection. This is a combat body after all.
[https://i.imgur.com/88m6Ovx.png]
Now that I am looking down at my cleavage and imagining how my body looks from various angles, I honestly wouldn’t mind if I had larger breasts, large enough so that I, or another person, even a man, could cup them with one hand. This body is really beautiful so I bet if I walked down the street, people’s heads would be turning and checking me out. Whether it be men or women, I bet they would want to possess me and make me their own property!
This story originates from a different website. Ensure the author gets the support they deserve by reading it there.
The thought makes me excited!
“Nooooooo!!!” I hear a scream somewhere in the depth of my soul.
I’d like nothing more than to be the property of somebody more powerful than me!
“Grrlrrlrrlrr!!!” I think I can hear gurgling. Having tortured the shitposter in me enough, I move to the next step.
[https://i.imgur.com/wW5Cyyt.png]
I stop holding up the dress in my arms and release it, letting it fall to the ground. I relax my hands at my sides. Had I been a guy like in my old body, they would have been dropping down at my sides. But in this body, I have such slim shoulders that my hands past the elbow get obstructed by my wide hips, making it look as if I am holding them in a venusian embrace. It looks really sexy. The shape of my hips, waist and pelvis is divine and erotic.
I’d be having such an erection now if I were a man, but instead I have a flush feeling that goes all the way through my body.
“Ahhhhh!!!” Yeah, this is what I needed, this kind of training! Just think, from now till forever, I will have a supreme beauty looking back at me whenever I look in the mirror instead of some pasty nerd. Fufufu! I really want to see what my face looks like!
And now it is time for the finale. I lean down and pull on the string of my panties. They land on the floor, between the dresses. Swaying my hips as I walk, I move to the pool and with one limber limb after another, ease myself in. The water feels pretty good. I manifest a few more heat balls to increase the temperature.
[https://i.imgur.com/pnmAGav.png]
My red hair floats in the water around me.
I rest a bit, just soaking in there, feeling the water as it envelops my new body. I try it and let myself float for a while. After a few minutes of enjoying myself being beautiful in this paradise, I reach out with my hand and as if grabbing it, manifest a hand mirror.
I observe my face. It is small and angular, soft and cute with large almond eyes. Later on I will upgrade them so their hue will be a striking yellow, but now they have an almond softness to them. My brows have a slight sharpness to them, but they mostly give a neutral expression. My neck is slender and lacks an apple. I feel my face with the other hand and enjoy its softness and shape. It is not my face as I remember it, but it will be from now.
[https://i.imgur.com/vImCVEl.png]
“Tranny!” Right now this is me, but in the future I might be some kind of machine swarm. In which case, then it will be my avatar. For example, even humans don’t think of themselves as their body, but have an image. People posting on internet forums have images accompanying them.
A well designed impression makes a big difference. Who wants to be a horde of machines? The real me will be a holographic projection of this cute girl. Because cuteness and beauty is justice. There is only so much you can do in the design space of humanoids and this body strikes a good balance.
[https://i.imgur.com/lTL1P8Z.png]
After finishing my soak, I slowly stand up from the shallow pool. As I do so, water drips down my sides and down my poised butt in a really erotic way.
“...” The shitposter is silent, but it is not dead yet, merely seething. I can tell.
I don’t often have a chance to murder a person simply by being sexy, so I need keep going. It is time to gawk at myself in the full body mirror!
(Helix Studio, Skylark Island, Euclid’s Tree House)
[https://i.imgur.com/bbxzyVi.png]
Fully nude, I come to the full body mirror in my house. I saw my body in Eloe’s lab as well as the mirror in the Ellipsis base, but not other than that. In the base I was too embarrassed to look at it properly, but now I can without a trace of hesitation. I do some poses and check myself out from various angles.
“Don’t you have any manhood?” What would be the point of having that? Manhood is like dignity and honor. It is proving yourself to others. Power on the other hand is proving yourself to yourself. If it will make you happy, if I ever think being a man would be better than a woman, I’ll change back without hesitation. That is the only thing I’ll ever give you.
Ah, this is sheer bliss, I want to try out some clothing. Taking baths, trying out new clothing, admiring myself in the mirror will be my new hobbies. All these desires I just couldn’t express as a man.
[https://i.imgur.com/oVqI7X3.png]
I bring up the interface and start rifling through the apparel catalog. I make a selection and quickly, new clothing manifest on me. My long red hair is done in a bun with a ponytail, I have a sharp pair of glasses that raise my int score and on my body there is an office lady outfit, white shirt, black miniskirt, tights and open shoes. I check myself out from various sides, enjoying the look.
“What would your parents think if they found out about this?” This actually causes me to freeze in my tracks. It stings me. And then it makes me mad. Why isn’t this voice dead yet?
I do not want to think about my parents, will my parents give me any power? All my parents are good for is keeping me alive and off the streets, but they will never give me any riches or special abilities. Instead what I’d want to think are big strong arms of a man embracing me. He’d kiss me all over and then slam me against the wall and ravage me right then and there. He’d empty his semen into me and I’d empty his head of nanotechnology knowledge!
“Fa—!!!”
“Gyaaaaaaa!!! Eua, you succubus!!!” The shrill cream of a little girl started me. It wasn’t the imaginary holdout of the old me that has been disparaging me, but the voice of the controller. It seems much like myself, he has completely lost his mind.
“Y-”
“You are the best, Eua!”
“I love you, Eua!”
“Do more cute stuff, Eua!”
“Continue checking yourself out in the mirror, Eua!” A barrage of praise and orders greeted me from my overly enthusiastic master.
[https://i.imgur.com/vOdbvJm.png]
[https://i.imgur.com/RYqjRxI.png]
I do as instructed. I make a new selection and my apparel changes into a red cheongsam that ends just below my waist. My red hair is tied in the twin bun style with braids. I love the lewd slits on the hips.
“So cute! Sexy! Gorgeous!”
“You are my sun, Eua!”
[https://i.imgur.com/2d7bU5K.png]
[https://i.imgur.com/DWwB5d6.png]
[https://i.imgur.com/DxFneQa.png]
I made another switch and this time it is a chic girl outfit with dark shades. It makes me look pretty cool. Looking at my reflection, I see a satisfied look on my face.
“So nice, Eua!”
“I want to see something lewd, Eua! How about some swimsuits next?” The controller has great taste as expected so I oblige.
[https://i.imgur.com/lMNFYHu.png]
[https://i.imgur.com/R35gllQ.png]
[https://i.imgur.com/ugalhI0.png]
[https://i.imgur.com/qQ49Nui.png]
[https://i.imgur.com/55DU5EP.png]
[https://i.imgur.com/uDVpykr.png]
[https://i.imgur.com/4IF9qA9.png]
I make the selection, and my previous clothes are replaced with a white two piece string bikini. I like the sense of vulnerability the string gives me. One would just need to pluck the string and it would easily come off. Someone could use that to tease and bully me. If they were weaker than me I’d kill them, but if they were stronger…ehehe! I blush a little as I imagine it.
“I want somebody to pull those strings, Eua!” The controller is so into it.
She is right. I really want to find somebody to hold this body of mine. I really want to…
[Externus Gain 0.5]
“Don’t say it!!!” …start a family. Ah, I said it. As soon as I do, I feel the voice of my dysphoria disintegrate.
This body feels like it is made for breeding. I do not have a womb, but I really wish I was pregnant right now. I want to pop out kids left and right! Ah, I really want it!
“How bold, Eua!” The controller was embarrassed herself, but wanted me to continue.
There is no point to wanting this like a regular woman would, for one I do not even have a womb, or DNA to pass on to my descendants anymore. By becoming one of the Inspired I’ve emerged from the gene pool and become a machine. And even if I could become pregnant, it doesn’t make sense to create a child in my belly. I trace my hands across my midriff, imagining what it would be like to nurture a child inside it. I want it, but even as I think about it the desire fades, overwritten by the behavior adapting program.
Pregnancy in women makes about as much sense as men having exposed reproductive organs. The process of childbirth is essentially squeezing a supercomputer through a tiny hole. It would be much better to create my own kids in nanoconcentrator pods. Using those instead of going through a painful and laborious process lasting 8 months and having to nurture them for two decades, I could instead create a fully adult body for my kids in 5-10 minutes. Instead of them having to relearn everything from scratch, I could impart upon them key skills directly from my memories using supervised learning methods. In fact, since I have no DNA to share anymore, the memories are what would connect us, so I’d have to.
The benefit to me of having kids instead of doing everything by myself is that my brain is only going to be getting bigger from here on out, and I am not going to be able to fit myself on a mosquito. This will give me trouble when controlling large swarms directly.
Well, right now I am pretty small as I am using an insignificant part of my brain core, but later I’ll move to using the entire capacity of it. My downgraded versions can be my kids! I’d really like to experience such a deep emotional connection at some point.
Sigh. I just cannot express such a desire properly as a man.
Sometimes while I was still a human, I’d think about driving humanity to extinction, but at some level I knew that it wasn’t right. Imagine something like a nuclear war that purges all life from the world. Sure, destroying all life would be a based achievement, but it would be a hollow victory all the same.
It wouldn’t really satisfy all my urges. It is like killing a person and not robbing him afterwards. It is like mastrubation, or sex without benefits.
It is best that when killing to also take the other person’s property.
It is best that when having sex to also extract technology from your partner.
When eradicating all life, it is best to replace it with your own creations afterwards.
The purpose of an individual is in the end to create his own society.
That is the true threat of a superior being.
I want to be able to realize such a threat.
I take one last look in the mirror and turn around, feeling completely satisfied with my feminine form now. It will be good bait. I need to raise my own value and prestige to really grasp the hearts of higher value targets. I need more power.
Letting my hands slack, on mental command I manifest my familiar red dress again. I’ll keep the opera gloves and thigh highs after all, there is no need to be too lewd. The outfit is good as it is.
“Control, what is going on with you? I think I am fine now.” I messaged her.
“I am ready to fulfill my role to you properly now, Eua. My emotions are wholly focused on you. I won’t miss even the slightest move of yours anymore. I know what you feel and what you think now, Eua. I do not need myself anymore.” It seems the controller has gone through some changes since we emerged from the Desert game. Fulfilling our goal in the old Heaven’s Key game seems to have led to the dam bursting for both of us. I didn’t think he would have changed this much. I thought it would only be me. It also seems I have a new name now. “You aren’t a game character that I am controlling. You are more important than myself, Eua.”
“...” I wasn’t sure what to say in response. I searched through my desires.
“You are my desire, Eua.” Her words make me happy inside. I am curious as to how she looks now.
“I’ll send you an image.” She did so and back on the Regent Cruise, I could see a petite, flat chested girl with short blue hair grinning at the camera from behind and giving a peace sign. She was seated on the bar stool. She was quite lithe, wearing white swimming briefs and a blue top piece bikini.
“By the way, this is how I used to look.” She sent me another image of a very masculine man. ”I made that form based on what you’d most prefer now, but I decided that my role is not to be your lover, but your shadow. I want to be someone who people would think is your little sister. I want to look up to you.” My other self is pure joy now.
As I look at the image of the rugged man, I realize that we should probably never meet face to face as I’d take off my clothes and submit to him the first chance I got. Being able to kill me with the flick of a switch is my biggest turn on as a woman so my controller is the focal point of my sexual attraction, my god in the current absence of anything higher. Even her girl form I’d beg to lick all over.
Phew. Control, shall we memory merge?
“Yes.”