Dissociating this often couldn’t be healthy. It felt like something Simkha should find a way to avoid. But she leaned into it instead.
Simkha leaned into the dissociation for two reasons. First, she had regained a little bit of the ability to function when she started dissociating. She retained enough of a connection with her lived experience that she could instruct her body what to do and it would more-or-less obey her. But if she were fully present in her lived experience, then she didn’t think she’d be nearly this functional. Why? Because of her second reason for allowing the dissociation. Simkha’s lived experience seemed like it would be really really unpleasant just then. And she had no desire to feel that shame, pain, and loathing.
Simkha didn’t know how long her body had been laying face-down in bed. She remembered almost nothing from the time between the beginning of her meltdown and when she started dissociating. She had felt less than human during that barrage of bright sounds, burning light, and deafening touches.
Given her prior separation from reality, Simkha needed to take stock of her situation. She shuffled through her senses until she came across data from her ears. Her ears reported that Simkha’s friends were still out in her flat’s big room. Her ears noted the sharp tones of her friends’ whispers and concluded that they were arguing about something. Her ears suggested that her friends were probably arguing about her. That suggested she hadn’t been hiding in here for that long, because otherwise wouldn’t her friends have already left?
Simkha told her body to clean itself up. Her body crawled out from beneath her weighted blanket. It stood up and neatly replaced the blanket on her bed. It smoothed out her clothes and cleaned up her puffy eyes to the best of its ability. It started shuffling towards her bedroom door but she interrupted it before it got there.
Simkha made herself take precautions against another sensory overload. She made her legs return her to her bedside table. She made her hands outfit her with ear plugs and sunglasses.
Simkha returned to the bedroom door and stepped outside with careful, gentle movements.
Simkha could just about handle the state of her flat with her hearing and light protection. Her windows were mostly covered by curtains but still let in enough light to irritate her eyes. Her walls were just thin enough to suffuse the room with street noise, overlain by her friends’ whispers.
Simkha’s eyes found Tali hunched over the table, distractedly picking away at the breakfast spread. Tali was not wearing trousers. Simkha forced her eyes not to stare.
Everybody else sat around the table too. Mika leaned towards Jennifer, whispering that “....giving someone space can be a cop-out, but it doesn’t have to be one.” Leg Day interjected whispers of her own—“that’s not the point, the point is that she wouldn’t get space anyway, unless mystery-girl decides to leave too. And we can’t exactly talk to…” Good-Arms Jock sat in the next seat over, chewing her lip, eyes fixed on her lap, momentarily glancing up at Leg Day. Jennifer was probably doing something, but she faced away from Simkha and her whispers were too muddled for Simkha to hear through her ear plugs.
Simkha brought her body to the table. She stepped intentionally, moving her body with precision and posture that Mom Berlioz would approve of. She caught Mika’s eye and put on a smile.
“Simkha! Hi!”
“Uh, hey,” started Simkha.
Simkha flinched at the sound of her own voice. She’d spoken much too loudly, even with her earplugs. Simkha quietened and gentled her voice before she continued.
“Hey, everybody. I want to apologize for acting like I did. I clearly don’t have myself together. But I should have been more careful. I guess it’s a sensory overload thing. I, uh, I just wanted to be clear that I’m not, like, upset with any of you. Nothing like that. It’s a me-problem.”
“Oh, beyb,” said Mika.
“Are you okay?” said Jennifer.
“I’m really sorry,” said Good-Arms Jock. “I think I acted like a dumbass. I’m sure I could have dealt with that situation better.”
Simkha furrowed her brow. She didn’t know how to answer any of this.
“Look,” asked Leg Day, “is it okay that we’re still here? We were just talking about whether we should stay here and try to be supportive, or go and give you space.”
“And,” said Jennifer, “like, absolutely no hard feelings if you do want us to go. You’re allowed to want space.”
“Either way is fine,” agreed Good-Arms Jock.
Simkha had no idea whether it was okay or not. She took a moment to arrange her mouth into a smile. She thought she should look pensive, so she had her body lean back and cross her arms.
“Thanks, you all. You’re all so kind. But I’m just… just not sure. About what is…”
Simkha tried to think through the problem. She did feel an urge to be alone. She thought she could deal with her emotions more easily if she didn’t have to worry how her friends felt. But she was already worried that her friends might feel slighted or unwanted if she told them to go. Simkha didn’t precisely forget their offer to leave, but she couldn’t help but think “no hard feelings” sounded a bit like a white lie. Like there was some hidden subtext. Besides, Simkha was pretty sure that interpersonal emotional support was supposed to be healthy.
Simkha sighed.
“I don’t understand what’s going on with me, or why I’m like this. Or how to deal with any of this. I don’t know if there’s a normal way to deal with any of this, or how to figure it out if there is.”
“Oh.” Good-Arms Jock flushed and looked at her lap. “Well, I might have some ideas for you. But I think maybe we should give it a day or two before we talk more. I don’t think my ideas would be too useful right now, anyway.”
“Well that seems fair since I’m not very useful either.”
Mika gave Simkha the stink-eye.
“Hey! No negative self-talk.”
“Huh. That was negative. You’re right. Sorry.”
Tali had followed the conversation with her eyes, although she visibly couldn’t understand what people were saying. She did look distracted, no longer picking at the food.
“Simkha…” said Tali, “euhhh… happy Simkha? Talk happy Simkha me?”
“Uh,” said Simkha.
“I think,” suggested Mika, “she might be asking to talk? Or… maybe she’s asking if you’d feel happier if you talk to her?”
Simkha took a moment to center herself. Her heart was beating faster than normal. She would feel happy about talking with Tali, wouldn’t she?
“I… I… uh,” Simkha shrugged nervously. “Yes. I—Simkha would be happy. If Tali and Simkha talk?”
Mika and Good-Arms Jock shared a look.
“Good,” said Tali. “Tali happy.”
Tali reached out and gave one of Simkha’s hands a little squeeze.
“Simkha happy Tali happy.”
Simkha’s heart raced—ba-dum ba-dum ba-dum.
“So, Simkha, you said this was an old friend of yours?”
Simkha blanched. A moment ago she was just about too gay to function. Now she felt too panicky to function. Her stomach twisted and her hands trembled.
“Uh, are you okay?” interjected Good-Arms Jock. “Maybe you could just introduce everybody instead?”
Simkha closed her eyes. She took a deep breath. She stood up straighter. She imagined herself rising up and out of her body. She imagined herself leaving behind all the sensory noise. She imagined herself as cool, calm, and collected. She wanted these people to be her friends, didn’t she? She wanted to share this, didn’t she?
“D-do you remember what I told you last night about my imaginary friend? About when I was a kid. When I had a best friend. And she turned out to be a delusion. All in my head?”
Simkha directed her eyes to open and look around the room. Tali appeared uncertain but determined. Everybody else looked… well they didn’t look normal. They had a lot of wide eyes and raised brows.
“Well, my best friend… I never saw her again after they diagnosed me. She was there one day, then she was gone. I refused to believe it. I missed her so much, they had to prove to me she wasn’t real. They had to do interviews with my other friends and show me videos and everything.”
Simkha’s throat was tight, so tight. It didn’t want her to keep talking. Simkha made her body force the words out anyway.
“Well, the thing is… this is her. My imaginary friend. She showed up last night during a hallucination. I thought she was a hallucination. But, uh. This is Tali.”
Everybody stared at Simkha. Everybody stared at Tali.
Tali shifted uncomfortably in her seat. She looked at her lap. She looked back up. A corner of her mouth twitched smilewards and she raised an open hand.
“Sluu vous!” said Tali. “Euh… Pell wiis Tali! Talitha Kohen!”
“Uh,” said Good-Arms Jock.
Mika turned her gaze to Simkha, then back to Tali, then back to Simkha, before settling on Tali. She put a hand to her chest and smiled.
“Mika! Mika Sano!”
“Uh…” Good-Arms Jock gave a little wave. “Good-Arms Jock. I guess?”
“Hi Tali,” said Leg Day. “Lídia.”
“What?” said Simkha.
“Lídia,” said Leg Day. “It’s my name.”
“Oh,” said Simkha. “I am… very stupid. Of course your name isn’t ‘Leg Day.’ I… just because you didn’t correct me… right.”
“That doesn’t mean I don’t prefer my new nickname,” said Leg Day.
“I… okay. Still, I should remember your real name, too. Lídia, like Lídia Lisboa, right?
Leg Day gave Simkha an unintelligible look.
“Uh,” said Simkha. “What does that look mean? Not like Lídia Lisboa. Are you a big Anti?”
“Oh, it’s not important.” Leg Day shrugged. “I’ll explain later.”
“Right, sorry,” said Simkha.
“AHEM,” said Jennifer. “Don’t mind me over here! Yeah? I’m Jennifer. Jennifer Hue!”
“Byeen,” said Tali. She looked around the table, pointing to each person in turn “euh… Mika, Gudrmarmazaj… Gamarjazz… Garmz-Jok? E Lídia. E Jneffner. E Simkha! E plaays uu le sluu!”
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Jennifer poked Good-Arms Jock.
“...too wordy,” mouthed Jennifer.
Good-Arms Jock frowned. She looked at Leg Day.
“Am I being self-centered about the nickname thing?”
“You mean more than usual?”
“I hate you,” pouted Good-Arms Jock.
“I love you too, babe.”
Good-Arms Jock slumped in her seat. Leg Day gave her shoulder a gentle, reassuring squeeze. Good-Arms Jock leaned into it.
Simkha fidgeted where she stood. She brought her hands together in front of her.
“So, um. You all see Tali too, right? Tali is, like, real. Right?”
“Right.”
“Yeah.”
“Right.”
“Yuppp.”
“Euh… splendd wiist Tali, wiil?”
“She’s real…” muttered Simkha.
“And you’re sure she’s, like, your Tali?” asked Mika.
“I guess,” said Simkha. “I’m as sure as I can be. She looks like my Tali, but all grown up. She recognized me right away, even though I hadn’t seen her since I was ten. My Tali was also Talitha Kohen. If she’s not the same Tali, then I think that’s about as likely as the chance I’m hallucinating all of you. And if I’m hallucinating all of you… well I might as well buy in to that hallucination.”
Mika put on a reassuring smile.
“Well, that makes sense to me. I guess she must be your Tali.”
Simkha blinked her eyes. Oh, tears. Simkha had tears in her eyes. Yup. Keep it up, eyes. Blink blink blink.
“Earlier,” said Mika, “you told me that you hallucinated Tali doing magic. Well… if Tali is real… what was the ‘magic’ you saw?”
Simkha thought for a moment. She decided the HUD would be the easiest “hallucination” to reproduce. She asked herself whether she was supposed to keep the HUD a secret. Well, Tali never said anything about keeping it secret?
“Do you guys know what a HUD is?” asked Simkha. “As in a ‘heads-up-display.’ Well, Tali gave me a kind of techno-magic HUD. Last night, she gave me this necklace that projects one.”
Simkha pointed at the necklace chain tucked into her top.
“And,” Simkha continued. “I think the display is supposed to be about, well, me. Like, it’s about me if I was a sim. A sim from the computer game The Sims. Like, Will Wright and Maxis, that The Sims.”
“EA,” said Jennifer.
Everybody looked at Jennifer.
“Sorry,” said Jennifer. “Just… I like the Sims. And EA bought out Maxis before The Sims 1. It was, like, before we were born.”
“Fucking nerd,” said Good-Arms Jock.
“Do you have needs bars?” asked Jennifer.
“I… guess so?” said Simkha. “I see needs bars, but it’s probably all a hallucination. And they don’t exactly… work.”
“Can you see it now?” asked Jennifer. “See your HUD, I mean?”
“Ahh, no.” Simkha pulled the necklace pendant out of her top, but kept it flipped over.
“I’ve been keeping it face-down, like this. It only projects from the other side. But you won’t be able to see it anyway. At least, I don’t think Tali was able to see mine last night. I think she had one too, but I couldn’t see it. I couldn't actually see the reflection of mine in a mirror, either.”
Simkha ran her finger along the edge of the pendant. She looked at Tali with questioning eyes. Tali gave her a little smile.
Simkha flipped her pendant over. Her HUD appeared.
“Now I can see it,” said Simkha. “So unless you all see it too, then I guess I’m still a crazy person.”
Nobody spoke for a moment.
“I see it,” said Jennifer.
“What?” said Simkha.
“What?” said Mika.
“What?” said Good-Arms Jock and Leg Day.
“Uhhh,” said Jennifer. “I mean. Like. I kind of see it? I see something that’s reflecting off your eyes? It appeared when you flipped your pendant. And now your eyes are almost… sparkling.”
“Oh shit,” said Leg Day.
“But… I’m crazy,” said Simkha.
“She’s right,” said Good-Arms Jock.
“Look at Tali,” said Leg Day.
“Fuck me, you’re right!” said Good-Arms Jock. “It’s… her eyes. Her eyes are sparkling in that same weird way.”
“But then what’s the catch?” muttered Simkha. “Does this… does this mean I’m not crazy?”
The others all exchanged looks. Tali pulled a handkerchief out of her jumper sleeve and wiped away Simkha’s tears. But Simkha’s tears just kept coming.
“Hmm.” Tali gestured at her eyes, then at the others. “See… Tali, Mika, Garmz-jok, Lídya, Jneffnrr… see HUD? Happy Simkha? Faarv rouys lii Simkhas lee ksnentt?”
“Do you think she’s asking what I think she’s asking?” asked Mika.
“I think she’s offering to make Simkha’s HUD visible,” said Good-Arms Jock.
“Is that okay? I wanna see it!” said Jennifer.
Simkha was sure the anxiety in her stomach would overwhelm her if she let herself feel it.
“Okay,” Simkha heard herself say. “Yes. I consent?”
Tali stood up next to Simkha. Tali faced her from about five inches away. Tali grasped Simkha’s pendant and leaned in. Tali brought the pendants together until they clicked into place.
Sparkling lights of blue and viridian burst to life from the facets where the pendants met.
“Ooh, pretty,” said Jennifer.
A blue popup appeared across most of Simkha’s vision. It was covered in a long list of alien glyphs. At the bottom were two buttons, each with one glyph inside.
Tali gestured towards the left button.
“Yes, yes?” said Tali. “Lii grass ‘s voust.”
Simkha reached out and tried to press the button. Her hand passed right through it.
“Uun cherff! Annfann!”
Tali looked embarrassed. Tali crossed her arms and made a face like she was busy. Her eyes flitted here and there, navigating some part of her own HUD.
Simkha saw another popup box appear in front of the first. This second box listed fewer glyphs than the first, but the two buttons at the bottom were labeled the same way as before.
Tali gestured near the left button again.
“Yes?”
Simkha touched the floating ‘yes’ button. The button activated and the whole front popup changed color. Then it collapsed into a ball of light that flew into one of the icons along the side of Simkha’s HUD and disappeared.
“Yes!” Tali repeated, gently pushing Simkha’s hand towards the ‘yes’ button on the first popup.
Simkha pressed that button.
Simkha’s entire HUD changed color, flickered, and then disappeared. The glowing facets around the pendants flared extra bright, then a cone of light shone out from one side. It illuminated a swath of Simkha’s kitchen wall like a projector showing in a darkened theatre. It showed the same display as Simkha’s HUD did.
“HUD you!” announced Tali, triumphantly.
“Oh my god,” said Leg Day. “It’s Sim Simkha.”
“It’s all real,” breathed Jennifer.
Simkha closed her eyes and hid her face with her hands. She choked up. She couldn’t imagine how this could be real. Why was this all happening? Wasn’t she supposed to be crazy? Wasn’t she crazy? She couldn’t brush away all her tears.
“Hmmm.” Tali laid a comforting hand on Simkha’s arm.
When Simkha wiped her tears away, she saw Tali frowning at the bottom of Simkha’s HUD. Tali pointed to the status bars, colored grey and flickering like static.
“Good no.” Tali looked at Simkha “Where good no?”
“What?” said Simkha.
“Uh,” said Mika.
“I don’t get it either,” said Good-Arms Jock.
“Annfann!” said Tali.
Tali furrowed her brow for a moment. She looked at Simkha. She looked at Simkha’s HUD. She looked at Simkha. She pointed at one of the status bars.
“Eat,” said Tali. “Where eat?”
“Uh,” said Tali.
“Maybe… maybe she wants you to, like, point to where the bar should go to if it showed how hungry you are?” suggested Jennifer.
“That… seems reasonable,” said Mika.
Simkha checked in with her stomach. Yep, her stomach still felt weird, hated her, and refused to give her any information. Simkha looked at Tali and shrugged.
“Auhhh!” groaned Tali. Tali looked Simkha up and down. She narrowed her eyes.
Simkha shivered.
Tali pointed to an analog clock on the wall.
“Eat Simkha where?” asked Tali.
“Uh,” said Simkha.
“Oh, she must want to know when you last ate?” said Mika.
“Or she’s asking when she can—” started Leg Day.
Good-Arms Jock silenced Leg Day with a glare.
“Uh,” said Simkha.
“Did you have breakfast?” asked Mika.
Simkha shook her head no.
“What about dinner last night?”
“Uhhh.” Simkha shook her head no.
“A snack?”
“Mug of hot cocoa?”
“A solid food snack?”
Simkha shook her head no.
“Simkha,” said Good Arms Jock.
“Lunch yesterday?” asked Mika.
Simkha shook her head no.
“Oh my god,” said Good Arms Jock.
“Simkha,” said Leg Day.
“Queen,” said Jennifer.
“Simkha?” said Tali.
“Not good,” said Mika.
“Eat Simkha… not good?”
“Not good!” affirmed Good Arms Jock.
Tali ran her fingers into her curls and groaned. She let out an exasperated laugh. She bowed her head and leaned against Simkha’s chest. She took a deep breath. She grasped Simkha’s arms. Tali looked up into Simkha’s gaze with wide, slightly crazed eyes.
“Eat!”
“But I’m not hungry?” said Simkha.
“Eat!”
“I mean. Okay. Yes. Sorry.”
Tali looked at Simkha’s projected display for a half second. Simkha’s status bar for hunger flashed red, then the whole projection disappeared. Tali and Simkha’s necklace pendants un-linked and fell apart. Simkha’s normal HUD reappeared in her field of vision, but now the “Eat” status bar was red, and empty.
Tali pulled Simkha’s body into a seat at the table. Tali grabbed a piece of toast and spread a little butter on it. She held it up to Simkha’s mouth.
“Eat!” commanded Tali.
Simkha’s eyes stared at the toast. Her stomach continued to send nonsensical protests, angrily decrying the idea of food.
But Simkha was a tyrant. She made her body take a bite.
Simkha stared at the toast.
The toast was incredible. It was soft in the middle and crunchy on the outside, and… it was food.
Simkha felt her eyes stop crying. She felt her stomach stop twisting. She felt her hands stop shaking. She felt herself be pulled back into her body as the boundary that had separated her dissolved into nothing.
“Oh my G*d,” mumbled Simkha. “I’m… hungry. I was hungry this whole time…”
Hesitantly, Simkha took off her sunglasses. She realized the room was bright, but not so bright it hurt. She took out her earplugs. She realized that the room was kind of quiet. She thought about the feeling of her thighs pushed up against the edge of her seat. That touch was completely bearable.
Simkha looked up at Tali, then at everybody else. Everybody else who was still here and putting up with her because they wanted to be… friends?
“I am the stupidest person in the universe. This food… this is great. I feel great. Thank you. Thank you for being here.”
Simkha ate. She ate toast. She ate baked beans on toast. She ate fried mushrooms on baked beans on toast. She ate avocado toast. She ate fried eggs on a bagel and banana bread with yogurt and a tart forest fruit compote. She ate vegan sausage. She ate vegetarian sausage. She ate shakshuka. She drank a sugary, frilly soy latte that Mika produced out of nowhere.
Simkha laughed as she ate and cried some happy tears. She didn't feel on-edge or terrified. She enjoyed having friends around, enjoyed how they laughed alongside her as she tried to explain how she couldn’t tell she was hungry. She enjoyed chattering over the table.
She looked up and saw Tali. Tali was all grown up. And so pretty. She smiled. She felt warm when Tali smiled back. She felt… yeah… she felt happy.
Eventually Simkha finished eating and leaned back in her seat. Tali reached over and placed three fingers on Simkha’s belly, about two inches above her belly button. Simkha felt a mix of embarrassment and excitement.
“Eat happy Simkha?” asked Tali.
“Simkha happy,” said Simkha.
Tali smiled and leaned back in her own seat. Tali navigated through her HUD with eye movements.
A pop-up with ‘yes’ and ‘no’ buttons appeared across Simkha’s HUD. Simkha pressed the ‘yes’ button after Tali gave a little confirmatory nod.
Simkha’s hunger status bar changed color from red to a cheery blue, and it filled all the way up to full. But now, the line that denoted how full it was seemed to breathe in and out almost imperceptibly. It looked alive, like it was moving but without actually moving. Especially in comparison to the seven grey, dead, static-filled bars around it. It had to be working now.
Simkha smiled. She chuckled to herself. She went through all that drama and had a meltdown… just because she was hungry? She was so stupid. She thought it was hilarious.
“So Simkha,” said Good-Arms Jock, “What language does Tali keep talking in? You were best friends, so do you speak it too? Or did you, like, used to speak it?”
“Uh,” said Simkha. “Yeah that… makes sense. But I have no idea what language that is. I remember talking to her, but I only knew English back then?”
Simkha had no idea what to make of Tali’s language problem.