All six of them stood in the wallway to the garden, staring out at the moths. The silence was long, stretched out, and painfull. Miranda was the first to break it, ‘What happened?’
Kactus shrugged, ‘Moth infestation. Happened to me a few times when I was learning.’
Caruso ambled dumbly into his garden. Moths fluttered around him, alighting on his legs as he walked. He shook his head slowly. He had followed everything perfectly. Everything Duskydale had said and recommended and cautioned against, Caruso had done. A giant well of self doubt was opening up within him, threatening to swallow him and drown him.
Miranda joined him in the garden and began hopelessly brushing the moths away. ‘Some shrooms are still salvageable,’ she said.
It didn’t matter. His garden had failed. What would Ferris and Niko think of him? Or Orange? How could he even look Miranda in the eyes now? Kactus didn’t need to say anything, Caruso could already imagine his arrogant remarks, but of course they were voiced anyway.
‘This is why I plant purpleveils,’ Kactus said.
Caruso replied automatically, ‘Purpleveils only help if you already have moths.’
‘Well, you do now,’ Kactus laughed.
‘This makes no sense,’ Caruso said to no one in particular. ‘Shroommoths are attracted to over-ripe shrooms, which mine aren’t.’
‘Don’t feel bad,’ Kactus said. ‘Take this as a good learning experience. You can’t learn everything from a book.’ The smug look on his face should’ve been infuriating, but Caruso was deflated, all the fight had left him.
That’s when he saw it. A single moth crawling on a honeyfungus—it was missing one wing, it’s remaining wing was ripped and tattered. He scooped it up and examined it. He knew this moth.
He turned to Kactus and with cold calm certainty said, ‘You did this.’
‘Oh come on! Take the loss like a man.’
Caruso held up the moth so everyone could see its half wing. ‘This moth lives in the purpleveil patch in the compound. I recognise its wing. Whenever I walk past, I see it and place it on a fresh shroom to feed because it can’t crawl very well. Yet last night, it somehow climbed over the entire compound building to get at my garden.’
‘Are you sure it’s the same moth?’ Orange asked.
‘I’m positive. I've spent a long time staring at its tattered wing. And I was in this garden last night—not a moth in sight.’
Miranda chimed in, ‘I’ve seen him feed that moth before in the compound.’
Kactus said, ‘So it smelled the shrooms and crawled over. That doesn’t prove shit.’
‘Purpleveils are irresistible to moths,’ Caruso replied. ‘The whole point of planting them is to attract moths away from other shrooms. There’s no way this moth would smell my garden from the purpleveil patch. And no way it would randomly decide to embark on a night-long crawl over the building. The only plausible explanation is that you put it here.’
Orange turned to Kactus, sizing him up, ‘It’s true isn’t it? You actually sabotaged all his hard work just to avoid losing. You absolute twat.’
Ferris remained silent and stoic, he took it all in without jumping to any conclusions. Niko, however, turned and ducked out through the kitchens without saying anything.
‘Just coz he found a moth with one wing? Have you all lost your minds? What if Caruso doesn’t actually know what he’s talking about? Has anyone seen a single shroom of his that’s better than mine? Or better than anyone’s? Well?’
Miranda was still busy picking up the moths and throwing them over the walls. This was her garden too. If anything, it was more important to her. He felt a cold trickle down his spine. But it wasn’t attached to any desire to wall himself in. In that moment he wanted to launch Kactus into the sky. But that wasn’t how he fought in this arena. He redirected his growing anger.
Caruso marched over to the silverstem patch, kicked off the blanket of pine needles that had protected them from the moths, ripped out a silverstem and thrust it before Kactus. It was bright silver, dripping with the thick ichor that only perfect silverstems attained. ‘Have you ever grown a silverstem of this quality? Do any of yours even come close?’
‘They shouldn’t be this sticky.’
‘Wrong. They should be. Unless you are happy with sickly mushrooms that are prone to a vomiter infestation.’
He turned back to his garden. The dog’s vomit and berryshrooms were unsalvageable. But the spicy firetongues had no problem repelling the moths. He plucked one and again, brought it to Kactus. It was a bright cherry red, his fingers tingled just from touching it. He held it up. ‘Apparently firetongues couldn’t grow in Zone 3.’
‘Daniel grew them.’
‘His were never spicy,’ Miranda chimed in, now scowling at Kactus, hands on her hips.
‘Take a bite,’ Caruso said. ‘Tell me mine aren’t better.’
Kactus snatched the shroom and took a large confident bite. He swallowed and was about to say something when his eyes bulged. His face flushed and beads of sweat formed on his forehead and cheeks. He fanned his open mouth like an idiot while looking for something to quench his burning tongue.
‘Oh, I’m sorry,’ Caruso said. ‘Was that spicy? Must’ve been a fluke, since I have no idea what I’m doing…’
Caruso wasn’t finished. He turned to his honeyfungus. Moths had nibbled them all down to the stem. But where the patch bordered the firetongues, several remained untouched. Just from the smell he knew they were perfect specimens. But the colour proved it beyond a doubt. At their centre, each cap was a rich dark caramel which fanned out to a cream coloured rim, the colour gradient so uniform it looked hand painted. The caps had a subtle lacquered appearance, no dark spots or blemishes. As for the gills: every single one was a perfect gold. They would’ve rivalled the shrooms Orange brought. He plucked one for Miranda, she gave a sharp intake of breath. He plucked three more, handing one each to Orange, Ferris, and Kactus.
Orange was already grinning widely at Caruso’s exhibition, Kactus gave his shroom a perfunctory glance, Ferris examined his carefully—a slight raise of his eyebrows was the only confirmation Caruso needed.
Ferris turned to Kactus. ‘Did you sabotage his garden, Kactus?’
Kactus hesitated, ‘That’s a serious accusation.’
‘It is. Niko and I have been quietly following your rivalry. Caruso has been intent on furthering Forester knowledge. Sabotaging his efforts would mean you are prepared to suppress that knowledge for petty personal gain.’
‘I wouldn’t—’ Kactus started but was interrupted by Niko returning. She presented a dried mushroom: a truthbutton. Kactus recoiled and scoffed, ‘Is that really necessary?’
‘It is,’ Niko said. ‘It’s been a while since our last check up.’
‘Eat it,’ Ferris ordered.
Kactus chewed the dried shroom. He made to retreat inside but Ferris blocked his path; this was to be a public truthbutton examination.
As they waited for the shroom to kick in, Caruso lowered one of the garden walls and helped Miranda rid the garden of moths. Orange helped too, using a clever thread trick to snare the moths and fling them out.
After a minute, Niko peered into Kactus’s eyes. ‘Okay. Kactus, sweetie, did you put the moths in Caruso’s garden?’
The demothing was put on hold as they all awaited Kactus’s response.
Kactus stood tall before the group. ‘Yeah I did,’ he said. ‘And I ain't sorry about it neither.’
Caruso couldn’t believe his nerve.
‘Well then,’ Niko said. ‘It looks like we have some work to do.’ Niko turned her attention to Caruso. ‘It may take some time to get to the bottom of this. To do it properly I must be thorough. But I request you stay till the end. That goes for all of you. A truth shared is more powerful.’
Caruso nodded. He wasn’t sure what Niko hoped to gain from this. But he was also intrigued to witness one of her sessions while not being the subject.
Niko turned back to Kactus, who still wasn’t showing any signs of remorse. ‘Kactus, sweetie. Why did you do it?’
‘I wanted Caruso to fail. I needed to put him in his place.’
‘Why?’
‘Coz he didn’t show me any respect.’
‘When did Caruso not show you any respect? Be specific.’
‘When he told me how to do my job, after the vomiter infestation.’
‘So that’s when this all began. Let’s go back to that moment, shall we? Where were you when Caruso told you how to do your job?’
‘Eating in the kitchen with Orange.’
‘Close your eyes, sweetie. I want you to go there in your mind… Are you there?’
Kactus nodded.
‘So, Caruso came in, what did he say?’
‘He asked if my silverstems would be better if they had Zone 2 pine. And asked me if bittergill could grow here if I used termites nest, even though I already told him it can’t.’
‘Was he asking you, or telling you?’
‘Asking.’
‘Was he disrespectful?’
‘He shouldn’t—
‘Yes or no, sweetie. Was he disrespectful?’
‘No, but I am the elder, he—.’
This content has been misappropriated from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
‘I don’t want any justifications or stories. Just the truth. With yes or no, the truth becomes so simple and clear it’s impossible to hide behind. That’s all we’re doing here today: removing all your hiding places.
‘So, I’m hearing that Caruso reached out to you, looking to share ideas about shroom cultivation. I thought that was something you would enjoy. But it didn’t make you happy did it?’
‘No.’
‘Listen to that part of you that wasn’t happy, give that part of you a voice, let it complain. What does it say?’
Kactus closed his eyes. His posture stiffened, his brow twitched. ‘It says: I should be better than him. He doesn’t understand real shrooming coz he’s just some kid who read some dumb book. He needs to show me respect.’
‘Perfect. We’ve arrived at your core beliefs. Your unhappiness and the way you treated Caruso is because you held these three beliefs. Do you still think they are true?’
‘Yes.’
‘It’s very important for you to understand that on truthbuttons, this just means you think your three beliefs are true. It doesn’t mean they actually are.
‘Often we create a belief to protect ourselves from pain, unknowingly. And if we never care to investigate it, the belief persists. It grows and grows, we forget why we believed it in the first place. Then when something contradicts that belief, we feel threatened, attacked, we defend it as if it’s part of us, we act out, we sabotage. But with honest investigation we can see if there’s anything real to these beliefs. By seeing through them, they vanish, and reveal whatever it is they were protecting. So let's investigate all three, and see what we find.’
Niko began circling around Kactus. Caruso was glad to see it wasn’t just him Niko paced around while asking questions.
‘First one: “Caruso doesn’t understand real shrooming.” When Caruso questioned your methods, was he wrong?’
‘No.’
‘What about the mushrooms he showed you today, don’t they prove he knows what he’s doing?’
‘...Yes.’
‘Were his silverstems better than yours?’
‘…Yes.’
‘Did he figure out how to grow a proper firetongue?’
‘Yes.’
‘Was his honeyfungus better than the ones Daniel grew?’
‘Yes.’
‘So does Caruso understand real shrooming?’
Kactus exhaled, ‘Yes.’
‘Fun isn’t it? But that was an easy one. Two to go. “Caruso needs to respect you.” Is that true?’
‘Aye.’
‘Yes or no, sweetie.’
‘Yes.’
‘Why does he need to respect you?’
‘It’s proper. I’m his elder.’
‘But I’ve never known you as a man to care about propriety. Do you show Orange respect for being your elder?’
‘No.’
‘Hmmm. What exactly would you gain if Caruso showed you respect? Imagine that when he approached you in the kitchens he showed you the utmost respect. How would you feel?’
‘Proud. I’d feel good about myself. Good about my abilities.’
‘So, you need his respect to feel good about yourself?’
‘Well, no.’
‘Have you felt good about yourself before you met Caruso?’
‘Yes.’
‘Then It sounds like you don’t need his respect. And I wonder if it was even in Caruso’s best interest to show you respect. When he asked you about your methods, did you answer him in good faith?’
‘No.’
‘Did you offer him guidance or provide any useful information?’
‘No.’
‘Were you willing to help him in any way?’
‘No.’
‘Did you even have the knowledge to answer his questions?’
‘Well that depends—’
‘Yes or no, sweetie.’
‘…No.’
‘Were you respectful towards Caruso?’
‘No.’
‘So, Caruso needs to show you respect. Is it really true?’
‘No…’ Kactus looked surprised at his answer.
‘Amazing isn’t it? How quickly beliefs can vanish when we discover they aren’t supported by anything. It always fascinates me how doggedly we can hold on to a belief despite all the evidence pointing against it.’
Never having seen it with a clear mind, Caruso became aware of Niko’s skill. Every question served a purpose: she knew exactly what she was doing, and where she was going. Slowly and methodically, she tore through Kactus’s walls, inquiring, questioning, never relenting, always digging deeper. There was something about the way she constantly walked circles around Kactus as she spoke, never taking her eyes off him. It was like a carrion bird circling its dying prey. Caruso wasn’t sure what truth she hoped to uncover, but it was satisfying watching him get dissected like this.
‘Now. Your last belief was that “You should be better than Caruso.” I saved this one for last because whenever I hear the word “should” I get excited. Such a strong word. We are always so sure of our “shoulds” and they’re always the hardest to root out. Let’s get started. You should know more than Caruso. Is that true?’
‘Yes.’
‘Why is that?’
‘Because he has no experience, he’s just memorized facts from some dumb book.’
‘You mentioned this book before. I’m curious why a book should be a sticking point for you. Have you read this book?’
‘No.’
‘Do you have any reason to distrust it?’
‘No.’
‘Then why does it bother you that Caruso learned from a book?’
‘Because experience is the most important thing.’
‘But you yourself admitted Caruso understands real shrooming, all from reading this book. Sounds like a good book. If I brought you a copy, would you read it?’
‘I don’t need—’
‘Yes or no, sweetie.’
‘No.’
‘Why not?’
Kactus hesitated again and sighed—he clearly knew the answer before speaking. ‘I forgot how to read.’
‘Oh sweetie. When did that happen?’ Niko gave him a pitying look.
Kactus shrugged and looked down at the ground, ‘Don’t remember. I didn’t read for a long time. Now all the letters make no sense. So I stopped trying.’
‘How does that make you feel?’
‘Stupid. Ashamed.’
‘But we can hire tutors, it should be easy to relearn. Why did you never ask for help?’
‘It’s embarrassing. I didn’t want anyone to know. Everyone would think I’m an idiot.’
Kactus looked small, like he wanted to disappear—Caruso was all too familiar with that feeling. Niko kept circling him.
‘I’m sensing something here, but we need to approach from another angle. Despite not being able to read, you still believed you should be better than Caruso, correct?’
‘Yes.’
‘What did you think of his ideas when he voiced them?’
‘I thought they were good. I kicked myself for not thinking of them first.’
‘Yet you dismissed them.’
‘Yes.’
‘What were you afraid of?’
‘I was afraid everyone would think I’m worse than him.’
‘And what do you think would happen if everyone found out you were worse than him? Close your eyes, and really imagine it.’
‘…They would all laugh at me, make fun of me. Call me an idiot,’ Kactus said through gritted teeth.
‘And how would that make you feel?’
‘Angry,’ he clenched his fists.
‘Do you think Caruso knows more than you about shrooms?’
‘Yes.’
‘Is he better at your job than you are?’
‘That isn’t—’
‘Yes or no, sweetie.’
An internal battle was happening behind Kactus’s eyes. His breathing became heavy, the vein on his forehead throbbed. ‘Yes.’
‘Why does that make you angry? We should be celebrating that a young Forester can be so skilled.’
Finally something snapped in Kactus. ‘Do you know how many god damned years I’ve been growing medicinals? How many worlds has it been? I sure as shit don’t remember.’ His fists clenched and trembled. His voice was louder now, thick with rage, but not a rage directed at Niko or Caruso. ‘I should know more than Caruso coz I’ve been at it my whole fuckin’ life! I tried really hard for a really long time. I should know everything by now. I should be the best! But I’m not! I still suck! IT’S NOT FUCKING FAIR!’ Kactus turned and punched a dent into one of the mycelium walls. ‘Everyone around me gets better at what they do. Green became the best blinker, Serene the fastest runner, Miles the best waller. I want to be good at something too. I want to be good at growing medicinals. It’s the only thing I enjoy. It’s all I know how to do, it’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. What does it say about me if Caruso can be better just by reading a fucking book?’
‘What do you think it says about you?’
‘It says I’m a fucking idiot!’ Kactus’s voice wavered. He took a deep shuddering breath and slumped down against the dented wall. He looked at the ground as he spoke, ‘It says I’m a failure. That I’m too dumb to be good at anything. I hate how useless I am. I hate who I’ve become. I’m so fucking sick of this. And you know what the worst part is? I can’t fucking change. No matter what world I go to, no matter what body I have; I’m always me. Always stupid Kactus. World after fucking world. It never gets better. I’m stuck. Stuck like this forever and ever… I’m just a pathetic idiot and everyone knows it…Fuck me, that’s true ain’t it?’
‘It's simply what you believe to be true, sweetie. So, you should be better than Caruso, is it true?’
‘No… Of course Caruso should be better than me. He’s smarter, more talented.’ The worlds flowed out of him with no filter. ‘I’ve had all the time to prove myself. All I’ve proved is that I’m a piece of shit. I couldn’t even win the stupid challenge by cheating.’
Kactus was reduced to a snivelling mess before Niko. He looked utterly defeated, but Caruso took no pleasure in seeing him broken like this. Orange was no longer grinning, Miranda no longer scowling. Only Niko looked satisfied. A heavy silence lay amongst them which Kactus interrupted with loud sniffs.
‘These feelings have been inside you for some time, sweetie. They lay in your core, and you hid them with layers of protective self deceit. It was necessary for me to dig them up after seeing how you treated Caruso. What you did to him was a monstrous thing. You have no idea how important this garden was for him. Had your sabotage been successful, you would’ve ruined him.’
Kactus kept staring at the ground. A tear dripped off his nose. A single shroommoth landed on his leg.
‘What do you think we should do with you?’ Niko asked.
‘I don’t care. Just kill me. I’ve had enough.’
‘Stand up.’
Kactus stood.
‘If you want to kill yourself, sweetie, that’s up to you. But before you do, I suggest giving yourself a second chance. No one cares how intelligent you are. Or if you are the best at what you do. Now, I want you to close your eyes one last time. Go back to the kitchens when Caruso questioned your methods. Remember how far we’ve come today. You no longer believe he should show you respect, or that he doesn’t know “real shrooming”. And you no longer believe you should be better than him. It may not feel like it, but this is real progress. When you have nothing left to protect, nothing to prove, nowhere left to hide, who are you? How do you treat him? Close your eyes. Go there.’
Kactus closed his eyes, concentrated. After a while he opened them and looked at Caruso. His eyes were bloodshot and sad but there was a clarity there now; no more internal battle. As he held Caruso’s gaze, the sadness melted away. ‘I would be at peace...maybe even happy.’ He smiled faintly as he realised this. ‘It’s actually true, I would be. I’d have no reason not to be. I’d just discuss mushrooms with him—I’ve always wanted someone like that. I’d listen to all his ideas and help him test all his theories. Without my own bullshit getting in the way, it would be fun.’ Kactus smirked, ‘Then I’d get him to teach me all he learned from that damn book of his… Ah shit, Caruso, I fucked up didn’t I? I fucked up bad. I was such an asshole. I don’t think that’s who I am. I’m sorry.’
Caruso was touched. It wasn’t the most elaborate or heartfelt apology he had ever received, but it was the most honest.
‘Kactus,’ Niko said. ‘This is what it’s like to be free of yourself.’
Niko stepped back to allow Ferris to address Kactus. ‘Find a way to better your shrooms and get them up to Caruso’s standards. But don’t expect him to help you.’
Kactus nodded.
‘And until you do so,' Ferris said. 'you will be known to us as Brown.’
Niko and Ferris left the four of them.
Brown looked around the garden. ‘Let’s get rid of these fucking moths. I don’t want to see another one in my life.’
‘Brown…’ Orange said, tasting the word. ‘And I thought orange was a bad colour. Orange seems quite cheerful by comparison, wouldn’t you say?’
‘Brown isn’t my favourite colour,’ Brown admitted.
‘No. I can’t imagine it ranks very highly on anyone’s list.’ Orange snared a shroommoth with his thread and flung it from the garden. ‘While I have you here, Brown, the other day I bumped into Blue leaving your room. She told me you were giving her some purplepuffs for a headache. I asked why that took her the better part of an hour but she just scowled at me and walked off. What were you really giv—’
‘Don’t ask him that!’ Miranda pulled Orange’s hair. He yelped.
‘I told ya I’m better with woman than you,’ Brown grinned. He scooped up the final shroommoth and released it outside. After, they assessed the damage.
‘Will it grow back?’ Miranda asked.
‘It should in a day or two,’ Caruso said. ‘It’s really not that bad.’
Without instruction, Brown busied himself plucking all the honeyfungus stems to encourage new growth. He nibbled one of the stems and shook his head. ‘I can’t taste a thing after that damn firetongue. How did you manage that?’
‘Well you might’ve helped with that one,’ Caruso said with a sly grin. ‘The more moths that land on them, the spicier they get.’
‘Fucked that up didn’t I?’
‘I can’t believe you actually ate a whole tongue,’ Miranda laughed and one by one everyone joined in. The laugh lasted longer than it should’ve, everyone knew how badly it was needed. Afterwards, the air felt lighter.
‘What about these silverstems?’ Brown asked. ‘I don’t understand how you got them this good. Was it just using the zone 2 pine?’
Caruso answered him, and all the questions that followed. Brown was intrigued by all of it. He clearly had a love for the shrooms. A couple of things needed to be explained multiple times before it stuck. But what Brown lacked in book smarts he made up for with something Caruso couldn’t quite put his finger on.
It was in the way his fingers moved around the mushrooms. Brown plucked the berryshroom stems with dazzling speed, each shroom handled perfectly, neither disturbing the mycelium or leaving too much stem; he did this all without looking.
It was in the way Brown flowed from task to task. Where Caruso had to pause, think, and assess, Brown always knew where his efforts were needed next. He looked completely at home in the garden.
And it was in the way he touched the soil, every patch he visited he would dip his fingers in, sometimes bringing the soil to his nose or tongue. When Caruso questioned him, he wasn’t even aware he was doing it.
Caruso put it all down to an intuition that one can only get from doing something for thousands of years.
During the clean up Brown loudly exclaimed, ‘Fuck me dead.’ He was hovering over the bittergill patch. Caruso went to look. There, growing from the termite nest and ash pulp, bittergill had begun to sprout. It was far too young to have been eaten by shroommoths.
Once all the work was done, Brown asked Caruso if he would ever consider teaching him more about medicinals and from that “damn book.” Caruso smiled, he was getting used to this teaching thing. And he didn’t admit it out loud, but the colour brown had never really bothered him.