The novel was suspended for updating. Mainly because I'm too busy to write a novel. And I may not have written it with the best quality. If I finish my work, I will update the article. And then maybe I'll write down some of my thoughts here. If I update the article I might delete these things.

Something happened today, and I want to say something.

My mother and I had a quarrel again. We really can start arguing as soon as we start talking. It's not really a quarrel. My mother always reprimands me, and I can't resist. Because of a very small thing, I said a sentence to contradict my mother, and then my mother began to scold me.

I find that my mother really always elevates the nature of one thing. For example, I say, “This math problem is so difficult that I can't work it out." My mother would say, "Aren't you studying math? Can anyone else do it? Other people would do it, why wouldn't you?" I say, "Studying makes me tired. I don't want to see these files." My mother would say, "Do you want to stop studying? You can't relax when everyone else is studying."

This time I said a word to contradict my mother, and then my mother began to scold me. My mother just kept staring at me. My mother said, "You have to succeed in your exams, you can't fail. If you don't succeed, you can think of the consequences. I'll leave you alone."

My mother said to me, "You see xxx. You see someone else's daughter. She is so good. Why can't you?" My mother said, "This is all your fault. You have to find the reason for everything in yourself."

I grew up like that. My mother always says "this thing is your fault", "everything from yourself to find the reason", "xxx can do it, why can't you?" .

To herself, my mother would say, "If I'm wrong, you can say it."

But every time she made a mistake, when I pointed it out, my mother would say, "There's a reason. It's not my fault, okay?"

When I was a child, I naively wanted to tell my mother every time she made a mistake, but I found that she always said the same thing. And then gradually I stopped talking. Because then I realized, it's not like my mother didn't know she was wrong, she just didn't want to admit it.

Stolen content alert: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

I think she probably thought she would lose her dignity in front of me if she admitted she was wrong. If she admits her mistake, she'll have no authority and won't be able to lecture me. I won't listen to her, do what she wants. But she's going to have to tell me something that looks good, or I'm really not going to listen to her.

As hard as it may sound to believe, I'm telling you the truth. My mother is just like that.

I later found out that these characteristics of my mother are actually a microcosm of Chinese society. Everything around here has a hint of that. From top to bottom, every class.

From ordinary teachers to superiors at work, they are all like this. The teacher has absolute command over the students and the students must not disobey the teacher at all. Superior leaders have absolute command over subordinate employees, and employees should completely obey the leadership. I think it might have something to do with our culture. A 5,000-year-old culture is pretty much set in stone. It has a very profound effect on people.

Today, my mother scolded me. After listening to it for a while, I couldn't stand it anymore, so I stopped talking to her.

I cried for a while by myself in an empty place. I grew up like that. I never cry around people. No matter how much I want to cry, I'm gonna hold it. Because I think it's very undignified to cry in front of other people.

When I was in junior high school, my depressive disorder was at its worst. There were girls in my class pushing me out. She wasn't physically violent, but she was very clearly isolating me. I don't know what I did. I didn't even talk to her. I don't have many friends. I usually just hang out with a few friends. I'm telling the truth. I didn't mess with her. I don't know why. I can only explain that she simply doesn't like me.

And then once I couldn't stand it anymore, so I told my mother about it. My mother was furious. She said, "Why didn't you tell me something like this? Let me know if your classmate does it again. I'll tell your class director." A class director is a teacher who is in charge of a class and all the students in the class must obey this teacher. I was too timid to tell my teacher. But my mother probably for many reasons, she didn't tell this to our teacher. I don't remember how it was resolved. It seems to be unresolved, so there should be no result in the end.

My depressive disorder was really bad at that time. I wanted to commit suicide several times. I often hide alone and cry where no one is. I eat very little, or I sometimes skip meals. I lost a lot of weight that time. I used to be a little fat, but then I really lost a lot of weight.

I still have a lot of words not sent here, mainly because there are too many words. Translation is time-consuming. I'll post a few more things I want to say here tomorrow. The words I wrote later are my discussion on the deep-seated causes of some cultural problems and customs problems we have here.