“I can do this, I can do this, I—“Nez repeated to herself.
Today is the funeral for her parents and brother. The thought of seeing them lifeless in caskets is unbearable for her.
She hadn’t been able to go identify the bodies after the crash.
This is my last chance to see them and say goodbye.
She was determined to show up to send her family off.
“Nez come on, it's time we have to be at the funeral home in 30 minutes, and we are running late” Aunt Marie yelled from the other side of the door. Nezani grabbed her jacket and walked out the door.
Walking up to the funeral home she spotted a jet-black shepherd sitting on the lawn watching everyone walk by.
“What’s with the dog?” Aunt Marie asked irritated.
“Sorry miss, the dog shows up from time to time when we have funerals but never bothers us or anyone. It just sits there, kind of odd really” The funeral manager states.
Nezani lifted her head long enough to lock eyes with the majestic dog before returning her gaze to her feet.
“You can do this Nez!”
She shot her head up to see where the voice came from, no one is to her left or right. The voice was so loud in her head, so clear and crisp. Locking eyes with the dog again she shook her head and walked into the funeral home.
Stepping into the funeral home she felt the air leave her lungs and struggled to get it to return. It seemed like a place where there was no time, like a black hole of feelings and memories. The grief and death in the air was palpable.
The walls were a dated Pepto bismol pink. Hung on the pink walls were sun damaged photos in wood frames with chipped gold paint.
“We will sit in the front” said Aunt Marie pointing Nezani in the direction of the row of chairs in the front of the room.
She lifted her gaze from her feet to see the 3 caskets at the front of a small room.
Photos of her loved ones sat atop each casket. With each step toward the front of the room, a little more breathe left her lungs but didn’t return.
You got this! Breathe! You can do this!
The weird voice returned to her head. But she found comfort in the words, and they also felt so familiar to her. She continued to slowly walk and somewhat stumble to her seat in the front.
The back of the chair seemed to be the only thing keeping Nezani's legs from giving out fully.
She gripped the front of her shirt. For the next 45 minutes she watched people go to the front of the room. Their mouths were moving but she couldn’t hear the words coming out, her face felt hot, and her mouth felt dry.
She wished loudly “Please can everyone just stop talking and get out!”
She hadn’t realized she had said it out loud, her eyes rose to meet Aunt Marie’s who is standing at the front of the room speaking.
Pausing, Aunt Marie spoke again, “If you all would be so kind as to join us for the reception in the room out the doors and the right.”
Everyone rose and filed out of the room slowly.
“I know this is hard for you, but if you like we can open the casket now so you can say goodbye to them” Aunt Marie said.
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“Except DJ, his cannot be opened.”
“Why not?!” Nezani asked confused.
The funeral manager slowly lifted the casket lid to reveal her mom.
For a second Nezani felt her legs give to her weight, she walked over to her mom and laid her body over the side of the casket and cried.
She walked over to her dad and felt her body vibrate, weird but she always felt that way around her dad. A sense of calm and security covered her, she held his hand and thought about his corniest dad joke and smiled.
She turned her body towards her brothers casket and slowly approached.
She thought about all the stupid fights they had, and all the times that DJ tried to be affectionate and she pushed him away.
If only I hadn’t been so mean to him.
She longed to see her brother one last time, to say goodbye. Before she could stop herself she was striding toward her brothers casket to open it.
The casket creaked slowly as it began to open, but the top was heavier than Nezani imagined it would be. Struggling to get it open she turned to see her Aunt hysterical.
“NE-!” Her Aunt began to scream.
“SLEEP!” The words echoed loudly in Nezani’s head, and she felt her legs buckled beneath her.
The room began to spin, and her body felt an immense heaviness.
Slowly opening her eyes, the sun beamed down on her face. She was back in her bed at Aunt Maries house. She wondered how long she had been sleeping.
No sooner her eyes opened Aunt Marie walked into the room. “So you’re up..” she said dryly.
“I know this has all been a lot for you, and I cannot imagine going through this, at your age especially. But what you did yesterday, Nez.” She stopped and sighed deeply as tears began falling down her face.
“I have never been so ashamed of you in my entire life. I know that you are “different” as your mom would say. But do you lack common sense?? Respect?? Tact?”
Nezani stared tearily at her Aunt as she spoke, and began to say “But I wanted to see—”
“STOP TALKING! I don’t want to hear whatever excuse you’re about to give me!” Aunt Marie yelled.
“When you move here things will be different, no more of this weirdness, no more of this head stuck in stupid books all day. You will do as I say, and you will be normal!! If you cause any issues, I will not hesitate to pull my financial support for college!”
Aunt Marie got up and slammed the door.
She flinched at the sound of the door slamming into the frame.
Why can’t she just believe me?
Nezani started thinking about how she would get through the next 3 months. At least she had already gotten into university. Once school started, she promised herself she would never come back.
I’ll just keep my head down, stay in my room and try to find something to do every day. I don’t want to spend more time around her than I need to.
Turning toward the window she laid and stared out at the clouds in the sky.
----------------------------------------
Over the course of the next 3 weeks Nezani kept herself busy and out of the house.
She had been secretly living in her family home during the day and would come back to Aunt Maries house to sleep.
I wish I could just live here by myself. What do I need Aunt Marie for? She doesn’t want me there anyway.
Over the last few weeks Nezani ’s aunt had made it very clear that she had to stay with her. Her family home was going up for sale and per usual Aunt Marie was worried about appearances
“The last thing I need is people judging me because they think my niece is homeless”.
I’d rather be homeless
The day came for all of the families things to be moved out of her family home. Nezani spent the day running her hands along the walls of her family home, reluctant to leave it and let some other family invade the space her family had once occupied.
She was given a medium box to fit 17 years of her life into. She meticulously chose the most sentimental items to pack into her box and put some trinkets into her backpack.
Nezani packed her bag and suitcase as if she were packing to leave for a long voyage.
At 4pm sharp her Aunt showed up to pick her up.
Nezani loaded her box into her Aunts trunk and stood on the sidewalk staring at her childhood home before getting into the backseat of her aunts car.
As she watched her house become small in the sideview mirror, tears rolled down her face.
“I know this is hard Nezani but we will make the best of it.” Her Aunt said, uncharacteristically soft and genuine.
Don’t be nice to me now, 3 months and you’ll never see me again.
When they arrived at Aunt Marie’s house, she went to her room, and she stayed there until dinner time.
As she lay on the bed, she couldn’t shake the curiosity around her brother’s casket.
If I had just been able to get that casket open.
She laid trying to figure out why she had passed out, did she exert too much energy? Was she overwhelmed with emotions and her body give out?
She couldn’t shake the feeling that something was off about it. She didn’t want to raise the subject with Aunt Marie she wouldn’t believe me anyway.
It was just her and Aunt Marie in the house for the next few days and after failing to look in DJ’s casket the curiosity around her families passing has been eating her up on the inside. She decided that she would speak to her aunt about it.
“Nez! Dinner is done, come eat!”
Aunt Marie had prepared Nezani’s favorite dinner, meatloaf, but with her mothers recipe there was no red sauce just brown gravy. It seemed as if Aunt Marie was at least trying to make Nez feel comfortable.
“Aunt Marie” Nez spoke to break the silence. “I have been thinking a lot about the funeral -” “Nez please! Please just let them rest in peace!” Aunt Marie exclaimed.
“Thats just it!” Nez replied “ Why wouldn’t they tell us why DJ's casket was closed, we couldn’t even ID his body!” “None of this seems off to you?!” she shouted back at her aunt who was staring angrily back at her.
“NEZANI!” Aunt Marie exclaimed “Why do you keep trying to find problems where there are none!? Your family was in a horrible accident. That's it! Can’t you just let your family rest?! You caused so much stress for them while they were alive, and even in death it’s impossible for you to let them rest!”
Her words stung like a wasp.
“How would you know! All you care about is yourself, social status and money” Nezani yelled back as she got up from the table and walked towards the front door.
“Where is it that you think you’re going to go?!” Aunt Marie exclaimed.
“I don’t know, but anywhere is better than here! I hate it here! And I hate you! I wish my parents were here! Not you!”. Stunned by her words Aunt Marie stood frozen as she watched Nezani grab her cell and headphones and walk out the door.
I'll just go to the shelter.
Nezani and her family had spent many hours volunteering at the shelter downtown, she knew it well and felt comfortable running there for support.
Was she being impulsive? Yes, but she couldn't stomach being in her aunts presence any longer.
Grateful it was summer she put her headphones over her ear and walked to the end of the street blasting the graduation playlist her brother had composed for her.