The white noise of the train disappearing is what woke me up. For those of you who have always lived near civilization, its surprising how quiet, quiet can actually be. It was as if the whole city had ceased to exist above me, and the lights on the train had gone out as well.
Not even the emergency lights in the tunnel were blinking.
I yawned and groped around for my suitcase. It was still here not stolen thankfully. I pull out my phone and check the time. 12:30 PM HOLY FUCK. How long had I been asleep for? Was there a blackout, and I’d been forgotten?
My stomach rumbled, affirming my assumption. No they just haven't got to me yet. I dug around my backpack for a moment procuring a half finished bottle of some aloe drink, and a cinnamon roll I'd purchased from a food cart, and been reluctant to throw away.
I chewed my slightly stale food, and sipped my drink as I waited for help to arrive. After like an hour of waiting I checked my phone again. 12:37,
“Oh come on!”
I was getting bored, and I needed to preserve my phone battery. I rested my head against the wall of the train car, and closed my eyes. I should sleep! I will sleep! After spending about 5 minutes like that I realize I'm not tired.
I let out a sigh.
“Fine I'm going to try to find a way out, and get killed by dog sized rats.”
I grabbed my backpack, stood up, and started walking. After 10 feet I wondered where the door was. Two feet after that I hit a wall. It wasn't those smooth tunnel walls or, even the cold metallic train wall. This was rough, but there was some groove like patterns smoothed down. Maybe from water? I didn't know I wasn't a geologist.
I pulled out my handy dandy aloe-drink ™ bottle, and placed it on the floor perpendicular to the wall. The bottle started rolling to the right. So I picked it up, and turned to the left.
Smirking at my own genius. I could get out of the tunnel easily like this. It was slow going, as I walked being careful not to eat shit, or fall into a manhole. I whistled to myself as I walked. After a while my muscles started burning, and I had the intense desire to pee, so I took a break. I found a corner relieved myself, and rooted through my backpack again. I grabbed a block of ramen and opened it up. I chewed on it as I rested.
After a brief break I started off again. It maybe 3 hours later I was thankful for these comfy sneakers, if I'd been wearing my work shoes I would have had blisters guaranteed. I've gotten kind of used to the dark. I can't see, but I'm walking faster. Which causes me to go ass up when I hit what I assume is a pile of pipes, or maybe a tool box.
I try to right everything, but that causes even more metal clattering. I just stop handling everything, and back up. I hear a groan somewhere far off, and a wave of heat rushes down at me.
Are the trains running again? None of the tunnel lights seem to be on; so no. I continue walking upwards. The tunnel turns here. The train is a straight shot, so I must've of walked down the wrong tunnel. After another while the gentle incline gets a bit steeper. Not terribly, but my calves are feeling it. I trudge on upwards.
A smell like rotten eggs starts to hang in the air, I panic and drop low. Is sulphuric gas heavier than air? Could I have been breathing in gas from a broken pipe this whole time? I quickly tear off a piece of my shirt, and grab at the bottle holder on my bag. Dammit my umbrella is there. I spit a bunch into the cloth, and hold it over my face hoping against hope it's enough. I'm 85% sure that oxygen is lighter than the sulfur gas I'm breathing in. I keep heading upwards hoping the gas is sinking. After a while the ground levels out. My shirt is ruined, but I am alive right now so fuck it.
As I walk across the flat plane I stumble over something again. A pile of dollar quarters, by their weight. They clatter across the ground. I hear a yawn, and freeze up.
I hear someone smack their lips, and then hear some scratching.
“Hello?”
I call out taking the initiative in the conversation. The person stops moving.
“Whgu-”
They clear their throat.
“WHO DARES ENTER THE LAIR OF ME, WAYLAXILANTARIAN THE GREAT. KNAVE DO YOU THINK YOU CAN SNEAK IN, AND STEAL MY TREASURE.”
I raise my hands in the air.
“No I'm just lost. I woke up down that way.”
And point in the direction of the slope.
“I’m just trying to get out.”
The other person shifts a little.
“You aren't trying to steal my treasure?”
I shake my head.
“No, I didn't even know treasure was here.”
Last thing I needed to do was antagonize a crazy homeless person living in the subway, with mountains of coins he thinks are treasure.
“Oh okay. Um you wanna take the exit to your right and follow the left wall all the way should take you to an exit. Also, why are you covering your face?”
He asks.
“Well I smelled some sulfur and thought it might be poisonous gas.”
He chuckles.
“No I tried to pickle some eggs, and they went bad.”
I lower my face mask,
“Oh okay. Sorry to impose, but do you happen to have some extra clothes, or maybe a walking stick or light source I could use? It's hard for me to see in the dark.”
I ask, I hear some objects moving, and feel a gust of air.
“Here I have an extra robe, and here is a staff. They are kinda old, but should be useful.”
This guy is actually pretty nice.
“Thank you very much, if you are having trouble with the pickled eggs I have an extra Mason jar on me. Also adding beets is a nice twist.”
I reach into my suitcase, and pull out a Mason jar.
“Thank you kind adventurer, the robe and hat were paid for with the mason jar? So here is a sum of money in exchange for your advice with beets.”
I feel a coarse hand brush me, and he deposits a pouch of money that must weigh a couple pounds into my hand.
“Thank you very much Waylax.”
I pull the robe over my clothes, and button it up. Then put on my backpack, staff in one hand, and money pouch in the other I make a beeline for the direction I was pointed in, and away from the homeless man. I put my hand along the left wall, and follow it all the way out. Onto a steep winding path down a mountain.
Uh what? I like at the staff I was given, a branch of silvery wood adorned with glyphs, and sprouting a number of green leaves from the top. The robe is the same silvery white, and has a number of green leaves stitched onto its surface. I look at the pouch, and open it up. It’s filled to the brim with glittering gold coins.
Oh, I'm feeling a little light-headed must be that poisonous gas. I walk down the steep, narrow path. Careful not to trip, and fall what looks like 200 feet to my death. The path circles the mountain, and I continue downwards until I spot a column of smoke rising. Someone seems to have set up a camp at the base of the mountain. A group of someone's actually. One of them shouts something, and points up at me. The others clamor to get their gear on. The sun was just rising, so I caught them in that half dreamy haze you get when waking up early.
I continued to walk down the steep slope. Watching my footing, a 40-foot fall could kill you, or at least have you fracture a bone or two.
*KLANGKLANGKLANG*
The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.
A self-important knight looking person came up to me. As a hand to catch his breath.
“Look I seem to have slept walked into that cave up there, and I kinda need to get to school. Do you know where a bus station is or if one of you, or your buddies can give me a ride in your car? I can wait till you guys are finished, or whatever. I don't seem to be getting signal with my phone.”
One of the girls has golden blonde hair, and long pointed elf ears. She throws some glittering dust in the air, her eyes glaze over, and then she falls backwards.
The other members of the group rush over to help her.
“Greetings traveler, what are you doing, coming from the mountain of the terrible dragon Waylaxilantarian.”
I give him an odd look.
“OF FUCKING COURSE ITS METHOD ACTORS.”
I grab him by the pauldrons.
“I want to get home now if you or one of your fuckboys over there has a car I would appreciate a ride. No forget it.”
I reach into the pouch, and pull out 5 gold coins.
“First one of you fuckos to get me to civilization gets 5 fucking gold pieces.”
I barely have the words out of my mouth before the rogue is dropping the elf lady, and reaching for the gold in my hand.
“The names Pinch I'd be happy to lead you to the closest town.”
He gives me a wide, and toothy smile obviously practiced. I roll my eyes.
“Let's get going then.”
I flip the rogue one of the coins which he catches out of the air immediately.
“You get the other four when we get to town.”
I look at these rest of the party. The fighter is on the verge of tears as he polishes the smudges one made on his armor, the cleric is crouching over the passed out wizard who is still on the floor.
“Is your group of chuckle heads going to come or what?”
The cleric gives me a dirty look.
“She needs time to rest, it's not like we can go up the mountain anyway with her out of commission.”
I sigh.
“Fine.”
I glance around the camp for some wood, or long branches.
“Do you have wooden boards or a couple of long branches maybe 6 feet in length.”
The rogue gives me an odd look, and the fighter and cleric are useless.
“I'll do it myself then.”
I walk about 20 feet into the forest surrounding the mountain. It’s filled with pine trees, I realize I don't have a knife. So I head back into the camp grab a dagger off of a small stool, and head back into the forest. It takes me about 30 minutes to find a small patch of young trees. I underestimated how wide they would be. A dagger isn't going to cut it, and I don't have any of my camping gear. I walk back to the camp noting where the patch of trees is.
The rogue has started cooking over the fire. Some dried meats, nuts, and bits of hard cheese. Soaking them in hot water to get them to loosen up.
“Hey, one of you guys got a hatchet or axe?”
The rogue turns his head at me,
“No?”
I throw my hands into the air.
“WHAT FUCKING KIND OF ADVENTURERS ARE YOU. I BET YOU JUST THROW OPEN EVERY CHEST YOU FIND IN A DUNGEON. DO ANY OF YOU EVEN CARRY A BAG OF FLOWER?”
The rogues eyes shift nervously, I've stomped up to him and the runes on my staff have started flowing. Must be something about shaking it like a glow stick.
“What was your plan for traps?”
I ask shoving my finger into his chest.
“Traps have never been-”
He stammers.
“WRONG, ALWAYS EXPECT TRAPS. WHEN THERE AREN'T ANY TRAPS THAT'S THE BEST TIME FOR A TRAP TO BE SPRUNG.”
*KLANGKLANGKLANG*
“Hey no need to be so upset this is a dragon's lair they never trap them to proud.”
I spin on my heels.
“AND YOU MISTER FUCKING ARMOR. I’M GLAD EVERY BANDIT, GOBLIN, ORC, AND TROGLODYTE IN THE ENTIRE FUCKING WOODS KNOWS YOUR EXACT LOCATION EVERYTIME YOU MOVE. WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU FINISH BEATING THE DRAGON? EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM WILL BE WAITING OUTSIDE THAT CAVE READY TO STAB YOU IN THE NECK, AND STEAL YOUR SHIT.”
The fighter whimpers, and back steps.
“Fucking useless the lot of you.”
I take the fighters' sword out of its scabbard on his waist. Its polished to a mirror shine, and gilded with gold.
“But couldn't bring a hatchet.”
I head off into the woods, sword resting on my shoulder.
“Hey. Wait, that's a family heirloom.”
I raise my middle finger behind me.
“Then you should have left it on your fucking wall at home.”
I walk back to the small copse of trees. Hefting the sword I give a few quick chops, and take down the first thin tree fairly easily. After 15 minutes of work I've chopped down enough for the wizard to lay on. I drag the small trees, and sword back to the camp.
I drive the sword edge down into the dirt in front of the fighter. Not bothering to talk to him. I sit down on the ground, and start to strip the thin weak branches off the trunk, with the dagger I've picked up.
I lay the finished poles down next to each other, and grab some rope from beside a nearby tent. I lash them together, and smile at my handiwork.
“All done!”
The cleric is kneeling, the wizards head resting on her lap. A blanket underneath her, like it’s some sort of picnic. I smile it’s cute. I walk over, and grab the edge of the blanket. Then roll it ensnaring the wizard.
“Hey what the fuck do you think you’re doing?”
The cleric exclaims. I drag the cleric over to the sled, and roll her onto it.
“Getting you, and your shitty ass party out of here. You think you can fight a dragon please. Start packing up your shit. I'll strap ol’ pointy ears to the sled, and we can get on back to civilization.”
The cleric kinda looks at me dumbstruck. I reach into the gold pouch at my waist, and toss one at the clerk hitting her in the head.
“I'll give you money too.”
The rogues ears perk up at money, and his head spins in my direction.
“I don't want your money.”
The cleric scoffs at me. Putting on a holier than thou attitude.
“I'm sure you can find a starving orphan to give it to.”
I reply. The rogue dives at the clerics feet for the coin. This guy has some serious dedication. I use some more of the rope, and tie the elf to sled. The fighter is the only one actually being useful, and has packed up most of the gear by this point. The cleric glares at me, and starts getting her shit together.
When everything is said and done, I grab a piece of rope I've left loose and pull on the sled. It goes maybe five feet then the blanket gets caught on something, and pulls the wizard out of sled. Her face slams into the ground with a crunch. I lift her head up.
“Yup her nose is broken. I appreciate your acting though. Emmy in it for you.”
I pat her on the head. Then point her nose back in the right direction with another crunch. The Fighter whimpers. I get the wizard back onto the sled, and tighten the ropes some more. Then continue dragging her. I stop for a moment.
“I have no idea where we are going, you idiots were just going to let me lead?”
I say.
“You just kinda-”
The fighter starts.
“I've realized I don't care. Fighter in front, cleric in back, keep me in the middle. Rogue learn to scout if you don't already.”
I command.
“Will the-”
“Yes I'll give you another gold.”
The rogue practically vanishes into the forest.
We walk through the forest for a long time. The rogue stopping by to deliver updates before disappearing into the forest once again.
Nearly 5 hours into our walk, my hands are blistered. I've wrapped shreds of cloth around them. We stop for a break, and to drink some water. I reach for my suitcase to grab some ramen.
Wait where the fuck is my suitcase. I retrace the events of the past 5 hours all the way up until I leave the cave holding the money pouch, and staff but not my suitcase.
“SON OF A FUCKING BITCH.”
I hope the guy who is in the cave is at least nice enough to keep it protected. It has my name, and number on it. So he should be able to reach me, after the larping is finished. I sigh and grab a handful of nuts and cheese which I munch on. The wizard isn't eating it so whatever.
We finish our break, and continue on our journey.
“Exactly how far away is the closest town?”
I ask.
“Two days by foot, but we are making good time so tomorrow afternoon at the latest.”
The fighter says.
I sigh, my hands flaring with pain. I pull the rope taught, and continue dragging the sled. Oh boy was I gonna be sore tomorrow.
After another 3 hours of walking, the cleric told us we should find a place to set down for the night.
“Nope we walk until the sun starts to set.”
I say not even pausing.
“WHAT?! YOU CAN’T JUST WALK INTO OUR CAMP, AND START TELLING US WHAT TO DO.”
She shouts.
“Then stop listening to me, it isn’t like I walked out of a dragon's lair alive or anything.”
I reply.
The cleric stops for a moment, let's out a few breaths to calm herself, and then keeps following me.
When the sun starts to dip the rogue tells me that there is s small clearing maybe 60 feet to the right of our current bearing. I instruct the group to head in that direction.
We settle down, and the adventurers start to unpack their gear. I inspect the edge of the treeline, the trees are a decent distance apart, but close enough to be useful.
“Does one of you have string, or some thin wire?”
I ask, looking at the group. They all shake their heads.
“Useless the lot of you.”
I rub my temples,
“Cleric first watch, then fighter, then me, then rogue.”
I grab one of the bedrolls, walkabout 10 feet from everyone else and lay down.
“Good fucking night.”
I say. I'm exhausted been up since midnight. My hands are sore. I've tried to berate these larpers into giving up, but, that doesn't seem likely at this point. The wizard elf has had a stroke, or is the best fucking actor on the planet. My hands fucking hurt too.
How did I fucking end up in that cave anyway? Maybe this is some sort of fucked up game show. Like naked and afraid, except they kidnap you on public transportation, and pretend that you are in some medieval era. Fucking knew I should've watched more primitive technology.
Sleep eventually over takes me.