They carried a bowl of hot, fresh pretzels into the room. The only way to stay a safe distance away from Arik was to sit down next to Corvin, which was something Livia usually consciously avoided. Arik looked repentant and wouldn’t meet her eyes when he muttered, “Sorry, Liv. I overstepped.”
Tavian and Adrian both gave him displeased glares. Terrance and Felicity both looked like they were waiting for something else to go wrong. Tan was the only one that still seemed chipper but Livia knew her well enough to see that it was a facade.
Tavian offered her a way out. “Liv, I saw a path outback. Wanna go explore it?”
“Yeah,” Livia agreed.
“Want me to come, bro?” Adrian asked.
Tavian shook his head. “Nah, we’ll go check it out for ten minutes or so and come back.”
Livia sighed with relief as she slipped outside with Tavian. She was overwhelmed with all the drama.
“Arik is an idiot sometimes but he feels awful,” Tavian confided. “I had to get out of there.”
Livia laughed. “Me too, Tavian.”
“So, dating Corvin is a sensitive topic, huh?”
“Well, Arik is dating again--” Livia said, trying to deflect the conversation. “We saw the picture of Lauren come up on his phone when it rang in the kitchen.”
Tavian winced. “We debated telling you against Arik’s wishes but he wanted to drop that bomb the last day we were here.”
Livia sighed. “He’s such a coward sometimes.”
Tavian sighed. “So, what is up between you and Corvin? I noticed the attraction too.”
Livia blushed. “Corvin’s not attracted to me.”
Tavian laughed. “He put flour on your nose and said you were adorable. He calls you Fabulous--”
“That’s a joke,” Livia interrupted.
“Well, why don’t you consider it?” Tavian asked.
Livia used to think Corvin was a controlling sexist but after Tavian revealed the details behind his relationship with Bella she knew that wasn’t true. One of the reasons she’d been so upset about Corvin pulling that move on Bella was that it didn’t fit with the values he professed in a professional setting. Now that his personal and professional values mirrored each other in her head her belief in the inherent goodness she’s glimpsed in him was restored.
She looked at Tavian. “What do you think about him donating to two different campaigns? Does it make you angry?”
Tavian sighed. “That’s a hard question, Liv. Sometimes, Corvin’s life isn’t fair. His position in Caesarea makes so many of his personal relationships political and that’s disturbing to watch, honestly. Like how you asked in the car--if he’d gotten back together with Bella would the welfare reforms in his house be resolved? Who wants to be in a position where the girlfriend you chose determines if 600 people in your house get to eat next year?”
Livia winced. “It would feel like political blackmail if they got back together--”
“Yeah,” Tavian agreed. “So, I’m personally glad he didn’t do it. I don’t think any relationship could remain healthy with that kind of baggage.”
“Yet, you ask me why I won’t date him?” Livia asked.
“Well, you’re in the same position, Livia,” Tavian said, bluntly.
Livia missed a step. “What?”
“Anyone you date will want to take advantage of the fact that you have familial relations to Gaius and Hyrum. You’re patrician, Liv. That means your opinion influences the political and financial decision of Taurus house.”
“I still don’t get why you think I’d be any different than Bella--” Livia said.
“Since Corvin has similar influence and power within his family the relationship wouldn’t be as unequal,” Tavian said. “I mean, being Patrician is one thing but you and Corvin are next-level Patrician. You’re Paterfamilial Patrician and that’s next to impossible to reconcile with Plebeian politics. Believe me, we’ve all watched Corvin try. He’s had many difficult breakups.”
This line of reasoning irritated Livia. Part of her still wanted to be right that she and Arik could have worked things out if he hadn’t bailed on her. That door was closed now, though, firmly. Arik was dating someone new and that shifted Livia’s internal focus. It was a lost cause and wasted energy to hang on to it any longer.
“But Lupus house is way more powerful than Taurus house,” Livia argued.
Tavian sighed. “I know you see that as a bad thing but there’s so much potential for good there--”
Livia frowned. “How?”
“His family is secure and strong and yours is chaotic and struggling. It would bring stability to the entire community if Taurus house had the support of the Tullian clan. Gaius and Hyrum can’t do everything on their own indefinitely.”
Livia knew this and it hurt. It hurt to watch Hyrum struggle. It hurt to accept that Caesarea would break him if things remained the same. It felt gross to date a man to save her brother, though. You could call it selfishness or self-preservation but Livia wasn’t willing to do that. It offended her sense of integrity.
“So, it’d be all about politics,” Livia glared at Tavian.
“Good relationships, Livia,” Tavian said. “Are the foundation of good politics. They’re not inversely related.”
“Your arguments don’t mean we even have to date. We could just be friends!” she insisted.
“You could,” Tavian agreed. “That would help Hyrum and Taurus house immensely if you were able to smooth a political understanding with Lupus house. In Caesarea, things aren’t about individuals. It’s about taking care of the House. He knows so much about what Hyrum and Gaius need to do. Try to learn from him at the very least.”
Livia frowned at him.
“This is my best advice,” he said. “Don’t punish Corvin for Arik’s mistakes. Pretend like tonight never happened. Continue as you were before we got here.”
That hit Livia hard because she didn’t want to be that person. She didn’t want to be the person that punished someone who didn’t deserve it because she was upset. That was what her mother would do. Livia had to prove to herself that she wasn’t going to be like her. She was going to be more rational. She was going to be fair.
“Okay, Tavian,” Livia agreed.
They walked in silence a few moments more and then decided to head back to Ratco. Livia mulled over all the arguments Tavian gave her but it was a lot to take in. It wasn’t something that she could process on a ten-minute walk or ten days even. She needed space and time and probably a long talk with her brother Hyrum to sort it all out.
When they walked back into the townhouse things seemed less tense. Terrance was chatting with Arik. Felicity was sitting close to Adrian, who was grinning a tad more flirtatiously than usual. Corvin and Tan were slamming down cards as fast as they could, intent on their game of speed.
Tavian and Livia both scooped up a handful of pretzel bites and found a place on the couch.
“Tav,” Livia asked. “How’s school? You like it?”
“I do,” he said. “My Trig class is hard but I’m passing. Then I’m finishing up the rest of my general requirements this year.”
This novel's true home is a different platform. Support the author by finding it there.
“You’re gonna be an accountant, right?” Livia asked.
“Yeah,” he said.
Livia’s brother was studying to do the same and was currently rooming with the twins while they completed the same program.
“Does Lucas see Mom much?” Livia asked. Tavian and Adrian had already reported that he was doing fine and that he wasn’t currently dating anyone.
“No, they talk on the phone but he doesn’t visit her more than once a month. Tad comes out to see him occasionally.”
Livia smiled. “Tad is awesome.”
“He is,” Tavian grinned. “Tad went on a hike with us and I now know why you’re a birder.”
Livia laughed. “Right? He knows everything!”
“Seems like it,” Tavian agreed, finishing off his last pretzel bite.
Livia’s smile fell, as an ache filled her. She turned to look at the wall.
“You miss him,” Tavian said.
“A little,” Livia admitted.
“A lot,” Tavian contradicted.
“I miss Lucas too. I wish he’d come out and visit,” Livia confessed.
“I’ll try and talk him into coming with us to fall vacation,” Tavian said.
Livia couldn’t hide her eagerness as she turned to Tavian again. “I’d love that. I was debating on going back but if I could see Lucas again--”
“You were seriously considering not going back for fall break?” Tavian asked, confused.
Livia lowered her eyes. Sometimes it was hard to remember that even if Tavian could sense her emotions he couldn’t read her mind. “I wasn’t going to go back ever, Tavian,” Livia said, quietly.
He studied her a long time before saying anything. “But we had that whole conversation in the kitchen about--”
“I know,” Livia pressed her forehead to her knees. “I know.”
Sometimes Livia thought that torture would be easier than dealing with this limbo she was in and then she remembered her childhood and told herself she needed to stop being dramatic. She had safety, food, and shelter. She had loyal brothers and good friends. She should be happy with what she had.
“Caesarea is a weird place,” Tavian said. He glanced at the rest of the room, as if he worried about what the lifetime Caesareans were going to think of him, then carried on. “There’s this culture there that implies because we have characteristics in common that we’re all one big family. So, there’s this weird messaging that you’ll get universal acceptance and it’s simply not true. No one in Caesarea has universal acceptance.”
“I don’t need everyone to like me, Tavian,” Livia said. “That’s ridiculous.”
“Then what do you need, Liv?” Tavian asked.
“I need to have a place where I can be my authentic self and have respect,” Livia said. “Caesarea offers me authenticity with no respect. Out here I know how to gain respect but I have to hide who I am.”
Tavian’s expression turned thoughtful. “What do you get respected for out here, Livia?”
“I work hard. I follow the rules. I help people when I see a problem I can solve. That’s enough out here. In Caesarea...well, I keep learning there are new rules even after a year. People don’t let you help them because they have people assigned to them that do that? I don’t know? I never figured it out. But on a good day it’s awkward, on a bad day it’s humiliating. Work in Caesarea? I guess people respect it but...they care about things that don’t matter more. Like what you wear. Who you’re related to. Weird things, Tavian. I don’t understand it.”
Tavian sighed heavily. “Well, yeah, most people think your family is more important than work in Caesarea. Having a good relationship with your family is...highly valued.”
“So, I’m punished because my parents are messed up? Like I had any control over any of that! That was done to me, Tavian. I didn’t cause any of the awful things my parents were--mentally unstable, alcoholic, dysfunctional--” Livia said.
“Liv,” Tavian spoke, gently. “I’ll admit, people are going to judge you because of your parents. You can’t stop that. You need to let that go. Instead, focus on the relationships you can control. People notice that you and Hyrum are close. They notice that you’re loyal to and supportive of each other. That’s been observed and is generally known. It’s gonna take time for people to trust that lasts. Understand? Longevity is part of the deal. Keep nurturing that relationship with Hyrum. Support him. Take care of him. People will start to let go of that history if you and Hyrum show them you treat each other differently.”
“I can do that,” Livia said. “But...I can’t stand not being able to help people Tavian. Like...I...I can’t figure out how to make friends if...I’m useless to them.”
Tavian laughed.
“It’s not funny--”
“Liv, we can be friends without you doing things for me all the time--”
“Like, how?” Livia asked. “What do we do?”
“We just went on a walk--”
“So, you could help me calm down. What’s the point of the walk if I didn’t need that?”
“Maybe you wanted to show me a bird--” Tavian said.
“You don’t like birds--” Livia said.
Tavian frowned. “Maybe I just like walks--”
“Okay, physical exercise…” Livia agreed.
“We both like to exercise. You’re taking care of yourself. I’m taking care of myself. That’s friendship. You don’t have to be useful to me.”
Livia stared at him.
“That makes you feel super insecure--” Tavian drawled.
Livia put a hand to her forehead. “I hate you.”
Tavian laughed.
“Why are we friends again?” Livia demanded, irritated with his empath powers.
Tavian laughed again. “We talked about this. We both like walks.”
“For physical exercise--” Livia joked.
“Yes.”
“We both know that’s not why we’re friends,” Livia growled.
“Then why? For real, not pretending?” Tavian said.
Livia answered. “Cause you don’t make me feel bad because bad stuff happened to me. And you don’t get upset that I’m short-tempered and impatient.”
Tavian smiled. “You’re my friend because you’re considerate. Also, I like that you're honest about when my empathy bothers you. You’ll straight up tell me you're inconvenienced by it. A lot of people get uncomfortable and avoid me instead.”
Livia sighed. “It is uncomfortable but...sometimes it’s nice to not have to explain.”
Tavian nodded. “I get that. Lucas doesn’t like to talk about the past either. Hyrum doesn’t feel the same.”
“You’ve talked to Hyrum about the past?” Livia asked.
“Once or twice,” Tavian said. “He’s processed his emotions over it a bit more. I think he’s talked to a professional about it--”
“Justin made me do that--” Livia confessed.
“Did it help?”
“Enough,” Livia said. “It helped enough for what I needed at the time. But it didn’t fix everything--”
Tavian shrugged. “It’s a process.”
“I’m pretty sure Justin would prefer I go back--” Livia said.
“Why not?” Tavian asked.
“Didn’t help anymore,” Livia shrugged. “Being here has helped me a lot more than anything has in a while.”
Tavian smiled. “Well, Liv, there’s no way we’d have had this conversation two years ago. You’ve grown.”
Livia sighed. “I know.”
“It’s good,” Tavian said.
“Hard,” Livia grunted.
“Sure, but good,” he said.
Livia pressed her hands through her hair. “You think I should give it another go, Tav?”
“Counseling?” he asked.
“No.” She pushed his leg. “Caesarea.”
“Yeah, Liv, I do. But accept you’re not going to win everyone over. You just need a team.”
“You guys come and go--” Livia said.
“Yeah, we love you but we can’t be there the way you need us to be,” Tavian agreed. “Stop focusing on being useful. That’s codependent and insecure. Focus on being present and kind. Let everything flow organically from there.”
“I’m not good at kind--”
“Practice,” Tavian scolded her. “You’re kind, Liv. You like to show it instead of saying it. Start saying it.”
Livia groaned. “I don’t have it in me, Tavian.”
“Yes you do, Liv,” Tavian argued. “Stop whining.”
“It feels manipulative--”
“Yeah, cause doing favors for people to make them feel indebted to you is less manipulative--” he said, sarcastically.
Corvin laughed.
Livia looked at him, surprised. Felicity and Adrian were still ignoring them. Terrance and Arik had their faces glued to a phone screen but Tan and Corvin were watching and listening.
“Is...is that what I’m doing?” Livia asked Tavian, honestly.
“That’s what it feels like to Caesareans,” Tavian answered. “It’s just how the culture translates there.”
Livia sighed, defeated. “I’ll try it your way then.”
Livia drove the Halls back to their room late that night. They arranged a time for Livia to drive them to the airport in the morning. It was hard to say goodbye when she dropped them off but they assured her they would call often. Livia noticed that Arik never brought up his girlfriend but Tan assured her that Arik knew that she knew. Livia was frustrated with him but that was nothing new. So, she let it go and hugged them all goodbye.