Working together, the more coordinated members of the squad were able to guide Jess and Lyna back to Jack’s house, before getting them tucked into sleeping bags.

“Sorry, Chris,” Kayla said as she showed the others into the lounge. “Sometimes Lyna can be an angry drunk.”

“Vicious more like,” Thandi said.

“Not to worry,” Christie said. “No harm done, I think.”

They filled up the seats where they could while Kayla went looking for her father’s liquor cabinet. She returned with a bottle and a set of glasses, which the girls passed around.

Moira looked around in bemusement. “Do you all work together? Gosh, aren’t you lucky to be good friends.”

“Ha!” Ray, reclining on the floor, snorted loudly. “Lucky, she says. Oh, boy, are we lucky.”

“I think we are,” Bibi said. “I love you girls, you know?”

“I love all of you. Even Christie,” Thandi said with a wink. “The love of Jesus surrounds us and guides us.”

Her smile did not waver in the face of the awkward silence and giggles that followed her statement.

“That’s such a lovely thought,” Moira said. “You must have a great working environment that it’s made you all so close.”

“Ah.” Kayla lazily waved her hand. “We can’t talk about work. It’s not good.”

“Oh, of course, very wise,” Moira said. “Let’s make lighter conversation.”

Silence once again drifted through the room. Kayla racked her brain, but struggled to come up with anything appropriate for a civilian. Was it possible that they’d forgotten how to have normal conversations?

“Oh!” Bibi sat up. “Tell us about the Romans. I was looking forward to that!”

Ray slapped her face with her palm. “This is not how you make friendly conversation.”

“We’re waiting on you then, Ray,” Kayla said.

There was a long pause. “Shit, I dunno,” Ray said eventually. “We could talk about MMA.”

“I think not,” Christie interjected. “But I believe I am sufficiently prepared to take on the challenge of explaining the rise and fall of the Roman republic. Alone, if necessary,” she finished, with a questioning look at Thandi.

“No, I got this,” Thandi said. “I am ready to take you on. You may go first.”

Christie bowed, “You are too kind. Well, it so happens that one day, in ancient Italy, a tribe of innocent, lovable rogues were sat around, quietly making pious sacrifices to the Gods, and minding their own business.”

“They didn’t do nuffin’!” Thandi chirped happily.

“Never hurt so much as a fly! Apart from raping Sabine women, obviously. But what do you know, all of a sudden, a whole plethora of foreign armies just appeared out of nowhere and started charging about, raiding their land and fighting each other. And these completely blameless Romans were compelled, no, forced—”

“By the demands of honor and justice!”

“—to take up arms, in total contradiction to their detestation of violence, and march forth to knock heads together. And before anyone had stopped to think about it, why, the whole of Italy had just fallen under their power.”

“And then they looked at the rest of the Mediterranean,” Thandi continued. “And they said, ‘well, look at all those deadly threats to our allies and our honor.’ So, they didn’t have any choice.”

“Who were they to argue with destiny?” Christie demanded.

Kayla cleared her throat, and all eyes turned to her. “Rhinos have horns, Giraffes necks go high, birds are… airborne, and humans lie.”

She received a smatter of applause, and bowed her head in thanks.

“Quite so,” Christie said with a smile. “In fact, if we examine Roman society, we can see the evidence of the Pythagorean plot to conquer the world. You see, it’s all about land. To the ancient world, land is life. It feeds your family, gives you a home, and wealth. But more than that, it is inheritance. Money will be taxed, businesses can fail, ships can sink. If you are a powerful aristocrat, with designs on setting up your family to rule the earth for generations, you will need to leave them big estates. Because, when you have sons, you must split your property between them, and they will have to start with less.”

“But,” Bibi said politely, “that’s what Alexander did. Only it didn’t work because nobody could hold such a big empire together. So, how do you repeat such a feat with normal people?”

“Oh, that’s easy,” Christie said as she raised her hands. “You just have to promise everyone that they will share the rewards. Instead of a single emperor ruling over devoted subjects, every citizen will get a nice chunk of the empire for themselves.”

“Hmm,” Thandi said. “Rome won all the time because it had an endless supply of good soldiers. I guess land and loot is a better draw than a monthly salary.”

Kayla nodded. “Motivation is everything.”

“Citizen soldiers,” Christie went on. “Every single land-owning Roman male was required to serve in the army, and every single one of them could expect to receive a part of the land taken from the enemy, as well as loot and slaves and so on. You may have heard that the Romans would elect dictators for a limited time to fight wars. Their actual title was magister populi, and they had a lieutenant called the magister equitum. Literally, master of the infantry, and master of the cavalry. So, the entire citizenry of Rome was viewed through the lens of military structure. They even based early infantry formations on the three tribes that made up the city; the Ramnes, the Tities, and the Luceres.”

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Kayla’s face scrunched up as she tried to hold in laughter. “I bet.. I bet one tribe got deployed a lot, because the Romans loved to get their Tities out!”

An explosion of giggling filled the room. Christie met Thandi’s gaze just in time to see a smirk darting out of sight, and she scowled.

“I heard those Roman ladies had huuuuge tracks of land!” cried Ray, holding her hands in front of her chest.

Christie shot an apologetic look at her date, who only smiled patiently.

“To resume,” she said tetchily, once the giddiness had died down. “The Romans also granted citizenship and land to those who showed them loyalty by deserting their own cities in wartime. Also, it was traditional to levy forces from conquered peoples, who served alongside the legions as auxiliary forces, boosting their numbers significantly. These men would also benefit from a share in looted treasure, though not land. Along with the Roman’s relatively light-handed governance, many Italians, therefore, had good reason to support Rome’s expansion. You might think of it as history’s first pyramid scheme.”

“Second,” Kalya replied with another grin. “After the Egyptians.” She received nothing but a blank stare, and sighed. “Because they built the pyramids. It was a joke, Chris.”

“Oh, yes of course.” Christie attempted an encouraging smile, and Kayla tossed a cushion at her.

“In any case,” Christie continued, “The leading families of Rome, the patricians, made conquest almost a necessity. Whenever the plebs clawed back any kind of political right, it was quickly nullified. For example, the creation of the Plebian Tribune offered such a check on Senatorial abuse, that the elites quickly co-opted the office. Elections became a contest of money and favors that only went in their interest. The famous and successful plebeians were incorporated into a patricio-plebeian nobility, once again leaving the common people essentially powerless. A clientele system developed, allowing the aristocrats to control society through favors and connections—just as the Hellenes did.”

“Oh, of course,” Bibi said. “They had immense admiration for Alexander didn’t they? He was the perfect model of the conqueror they wanted to emulate.”

“Quite so. Thus, if you wanted to advance as a Roman citizen and achieve any kind of control over your life, you needed the fruits of conquest. Why else would a people tolerate living under an oligarchy, if not because they could profit from it? To demonstrate this, I shall now quote the most famous stoic of the Republic.”

“Cato,” said Thandi confidently.

“In fact, I was thinking of none other than the elite’s legal hired gun, Marcus Tullius Cicero.”

Thandi tilted her head. “I don’t think he was really a stoic.”

“He was a master of rhetoric and popularity. Everything he did and said was calculated to earn him public acclaim. An entire book of his work De Officiis is about how to get people to like you. Are we supposed to take at face value his stated commitment to honesty when his career is replete with examples of the opposite? I cite his attack on Clodia Metellus, a powerful, educated, and independent woman, who he slandered as an incestuous whore to win a trial. Or the defense of Milo after the murder of Clodius, when his guilt wasn’t even in question.”

“Don’t forget his insistence on the fake conspiracies of Catiline,” Bibi added.

“You are quite right,” said Christie as she whipped her phone out of her purse. “So, it is true that Cicero liked to play coy with his philosophical positions, but an examination of works like De Re Publica shows him to be a stoic through and through. In his ‘Scipionic Dream’ the ghostly apparition of Scipio Africanus explains the nature of the universe to his grandson, drawing from Plato’s celestial model, and Pythagoras’ divine harmonies. But here comes the punchline, and I have the quote here: ‘Now, in order to encourage you, my dear Aemilianus, continued the shade of my ancestor, to defend the State with the greater cheerfulness, be assured that, for all those who have in any way conduced to the preservation, defense, and enlargement of their native country, there is a certain place in heaven where they shall enjoy an eternity of happiness.’”

“Enlargement,” said Kayla bitterly. “Awesome.”

“And how does our friend Cicero judge the performance of his own heavenly bestowed rulers? ‘But for so long as the empire of the Roman people was maintained in a spirit of service rather than by injustices, wars were waged either on behalf of allies or in the interests of empire; the outcome of those wars was dictated either by clemency or by necessity. The senate was a haven and refuge for kings, tribes, and nations. Our magistrates and commanders were eager to win the greatest praise solely by endeavouring to defend our provinces and allies with justice and fidelity. As a result, ‘protectorate of the world’ rather than ‘empire’ would have been a truer title.’”

“Oh yeah, totally,” Bibi said with heavy sarcasm. “Like the attack on Corinth for being an uncompliant trading rival. The Romans killed all the men and enslaved the women and children before completely destroying the city.”

“Ah,” Christie said. “But Cicero had a good explanation for that. He said that its favorable location may have incited future wars.”

“Okay,” replied Bibi, “well how about the brutal and dishonest subjugation of Celt-Iberia over fifty years of war? Thousands of Lusitanians were promised a truce by Servius Galba, lured into a field without weapons and then massacred. Or, another time, Cicero’s stoic idol Scipio Aemilianus starved a whole city to death after they attempted to surrender.”

Christie held up a finger. “I will just have to correct you there. They did not all starve to death. Hunger turned them to cannibalism and suicide, while Scipio enslaved whoever managed to survive, before burning the city to its foundations.”

Bibi bowed her head. “Okay, my bad. But let’s not forget Scipio’s greatest exploit—the sack of Carthage. His father had completely defeated their empire in the second Punic war, earning him the title Africanus. Unfortunately, the Carthaginians were very resilient, and they soon bounced back with a successful trade network, which threated Rome’s commercial supremacy.”

“Cue Cato the Elder walking into the senate and dropping a pile of ripe, fresh Libyan figs out of his toga, before declaring, ‘Carthago delenda est!’”

“Yes, and the Romans decided to wipe them out once and for all. First, they took three hundred children as hostages on Sicily. Then they demanded that Carthage surrender all their weapons, which they did. Then they ordered the population to abandon the city so that it could be razed to the ground. At that point the Carthaginians decided they had no choice but to fight, because life in North Africa for half a million people is nearly impossible if you don’t have a seaport. Anyway, Scipio led the final assault on the city after a three-year siege. Once the legions broke through the defenses, they went house to house, killing every man, woman, and child they found, until the streets were flowing with blood. Almost the entire population was eradicated, save for fifty thousand prisoners taken as slaves.”

Christie scrolled on her phone. “Oh—Cicero says they had been guilty of cruelty, so… that makes sense, I suppose.”

Kayla rubbed her eyes. “I mean, duh. People should know when they’re conquered, right? But seriously, literally all I’m hearing from this guy is that might makes right. Like, fine, bro, have it your way, but if someone comes along with a better army, don’t complain when they smack you down and take over. That’s the philosophy you obviously want to live by.”

“Don’t be silly Kayla,” Thandi scolded. “It’s only okay when him and his friends do it. When Julius Caesar marches over the Rubicon and begins to dismantle the power of the senate, whilst refusing to kill any of his enemies, Cicero screams about unjust behavior.”

“Of course he does,” Kayla said. “Their little cult is not getting its way.”

“Not that I approve of Caesar either—they all had the same agenda,” Thandi said.

Tian yawned loudly. “I’m sorry, but I’ve had enough. I’m just going to go to sleep right here, If that’s all good with everyone.

“Yeah, talk about information overload,” said Ray sleepily. “But, I will insist on being carried to your finest chambers, dear hostess.”

“It’s this way,” Kayla said as she jumped to her feet. “You can carry yourself.”