The next day after I woke up, I was feeling hungry. I could not think of a time I was actually hungry so far for the first time since I’ve been in this body. I was immediately worried. Did I drink blood? Would I have to kill someone to do it? Would I enjoy it? These thoughts crossed my mind as I lay awake in my coffin with a rumbling stomach, when the scent of something delicious wafted in.

“Brekfist is ‘bout ready ya lugabouts. If I’d known you’d be this flimsy I wouldn’t have rode ya so hard back last night.”

I lifted the lid of my coffin and poked my head out. Effie was huddled over a campfire with a skillet sizzling what I could only imagine and smell was bacon of some kind while Ron was chasing a moth around the room mostly hurting himself. He was bouncing off the same two walls over and over as the moth hovered out of reach, almost like he was mocking the poor fool for his continued failure.

“Is that bacon?”

“Yessir, freshest bat bacon I ever had.”

My stomach simultaneously rolled in sickness and growled in hungry protest. I was repulsed by my desire to eat everything in the cave including the ashtray of a fairy and the demonic pup from my nightmares. I couldn’t even stop the low growl that came from my throat as I rose out of my coffin.

“N-n-n-now Master there’s no need to look at us this way.”

My body just moved on its own as I instinctually stalked my prey. I was hungry. Hungrier than I had ever been in my old life for sure. One time I forgot to eat for 2 days during a videogame bender and when I woke up barely able to move, I ate 2 entire pizzas. I was sick after of course, but I was even hungrier than that and I was kind of pissed about it.

I was moving into to bite the smoking pixie while she was distracted when a piercing shriek went through the cave, rattling my coffin and every stalactite inside. Effie chose that moment to spin around and shove a massive piece of bat into my mouth.

The nausea passed pretty quick once I stopped thinking about the bat part and it turned out it was really delicious! Effie had prepared it pretty impressively considering its origin. The edges were perfectly crispy and the inner fattier parts were succulent and tender. Bat or not this was incredible.

“Mmmm, mmmm mmmm smmmm muuuuuudddd.”

My senses return to me as I wipe bat grease off of my chin. I’m ravenous, but I still have manners.

“Thank you very much, it’s delicious! How did you make bat this good?”

“Bwahahaha -hugh-hu-ghu-kel.” She hacks up a massive ball of phlegm and spits it in the corner. “Just a little bitta good ole patience and muh secret blind-o-speeces.”

We enjoyed our meal of bat and some kind of mushroom she pulled out of her bag which I had a sneaky suspicion might also be a magic pocket of some kind based on the random things she pulls out of it. So far, a full camping set, pots, pans, cutlery, what appeared to be a pallet of cigarettes and at least 200 of what could only be described as protection for the act…

“Wait, what are those?”

“What, these?”

She lifts cutlery and gestures at it to which I literally facepalmed. For fuck’s sake.

“I’m going to take that as a sign we shouldn’t talk about it and move on. I want to check out the Watchers’ hut again and take a look at that map since no one seems to have seen one in the last 500 years or so.”

I glare daggers at the corner where Effie and Dog are, both avoiding making eye contact. Dog’s eyes were sweating profusely and Effie lazily smoked a cigarette and dug her underwear out of her under chassis. The two were a match made in hell. Even they weren’t sure what the current topography looked like.

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Dog just knew where he was and was surprisingly loyal, but didn’t know where the Daeldrad Mountains were only that they were IN them. Outside of some general knowledge of surrounding towns that had been there for the last 500 years, he wasn’t much help and Effie, best I can tell, has been drunk or high or doing something she called “blooming” for the last 600 years. I didn’t like the look on her face when she talked about it, that’s for sure.

Once everyone was set and ready, I turned the iron cross and the cave slid open. I wanted to explore the dwelling of the Watchers and study their world map they had up on the wall with a convenient “X” showing our current location.

The Daeldrad mountains were in the south western corner of the human country, Angleton. This was a quaint little country, being firmly wedged in between the Elven Kingdom of Vinitak and the Sea of Leaves to the East. You are probably wondering how this nation of humans sits in between two pretty hostile forces and still manages to survive. Shit, I know I was.

“The clever humans abandoned most of their settlements and towns in the south west of their nation, Master. They could more easily control a smaller amount of land and the legends about a monster hidden deep in the mountains keep the area clear from human or elf alike.”

Ron ambled on as I continued to study the map.

There are only a few border towns like, Gerkin dotting the borders of these countries. The northern border of the human nation was connected to the Great Salt Lake which connected to both the Protectorate and Limithian Duchy.

“Why don’t the Elves just swoop in and crush them?”

I asked aloud not really expecting an answer, but Effie was the one to surprise me this time.

“The Lamithans and the Protectorwaht need the items that only them Elven creeturs, create or produce, Dark or otherwise.”

Between my journal, Dog, the Watchers’ hut and Effie, I got quite a handle at least on the geography. Gerkin actually was within the Sea of Leaves, the magical home of the Dark Elves, but was close enough to the Angleton border there was no conflict and even some trading between races done. Angleton was famous for its trade lanes that it maintained with both the Elves and Dark Elves. With a proper bearing I set off east, towards the Sea of Leaves.

With no real destination I grabbed Dog by the scruff and took off. I stopped when I heard water nearby. Effie said she had business to attend to at the town I met her in. She said she had to “Pay her dues to the man in charge.” I had an idea what she meant, but Dog assumed she was paying taxes. I dropped her off before heading back to get Dog.

The sound was coming from a waterfall, about a hundred yards up the path from where I stopped. We were certainly in the Sea of Leaves. Periodically great gusts of wind would sweep through the trees causing great swathes of leaves of the Giant Ghost Catalpa tree to sway back and forth like a giant macabre sea. Hence, Sea of Leaves. These guys are pretty morbid aren’t they?

As we traveled towards the waterfall, the beauty of this place really struck me. I haven’t exactly had time to just take in nature for a moment, but just now in this moment with the breeze drifting over me I could just really feel the gravity of my situation. I was relieved I wasn’t trapped as a corporate slave in my old life, but I was fucking streeesssssseeeeeeddddd about being a vampire, curing vampirism, learning a new world and people and just everything! I just stood there and let the world spin for a few minutes, just a silent moment where I could pretend like everything was too hard and I could quit.

“Y-y-y-you alright Master?”

“Yes, why do you ask?”

“You’re crying…”

I wipe my face and see that he is in fact telling the truth and of course I cry tears of blood! Whose existence is this dramatic?!”

I finish cleaning my face as we break through the tree line. The waterfall was an impressive sight to see. It was very similar to the famous Niagara Falls in North America just about a fifth of its size. There was a slight mist from the falls that the moonlight was hitting causing the place to have an otherworldly glow. The various rocks scattered around the edge of the lake the falls fed into ranged from large to small with small ones sticking up in various places out of the water. There was a massive flat stone that the most beautiful woman I had ever seen was bathing on…

Dog broke the silence with one of the loudest and nastiest farts I had ever heard. It reverberated around the clearing and the falls. The woman turned to spot us immediately causing the moon to illuminate her pointed ears and olive skin and really made the fury and disgust on her face evident as she nocked an arrow and drew her bow aiming at us…

I’m going to kill this dog…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Name: Vampir Darknaciel

Age: 3015

Race: Vampire (Human)

Hair: Black

Eyes: Red (Glow)

Current Value: 239.9 million Gold Coins

Magic Pocket: Pretty much one of everything (unverified), Journal of a Madman

Powers: Voice Mesmer, Animal Transmutation, Strength of 1000 men, Speed = PDQ, Immunity, Kinesis(Psycho), vaporizes people in a hissy fit, Derbegun (Cleaning Spell), Hemiowgun (Healing Spell)

Weaknesses: The Sun, Holy Water, Dog, literally takes home anyone who asks, Also Dog’s farts, cries blood

Strengths: Barfights, Fast Travel