No one seemed to care as we strode through the halls of the castle. Some guards ran to put out fires, maids with sacks of silverware and noble men and women losing their shit as they scurried around. The strange trio we made didn't even garner another look. We were on edge but were able to move uninterrupted through the halls. I caught a quick glimpse of Croshutes at the top of the banister.

“Do Lord’s always have this much stamina? This guy should join the track team.”

“He certainly can run; I wonder if they are helping with magic. Wait. What is a track team?”

“Yeah, Master, what is a track team.”

I chuckled at the random enthusiasm from my companions but opted to postpone that discussion.

“I’ll tell you about it later. Let’s catch up and ---.”

A fireball had erupted into the curtains next to us. Mages were lined up at the top of the stairs firing random spells our way as a last line of defense.

“Blasamorota”

Leyara knelt next to Ron and pet him as she activated her spell. An orange glow formed around him starting at his snout and going down his entire body. The glow solidified into a glowing metallic armor with spikes that extruded on several places around the armor.

“Beef bones for confirmed kills!”

Leyara raised her fist in a charge motion as Ron dove out of cover and toward the stairs where the mages waited casting their spells. Spells bounced off of his glowing armor. A sudden “SHUNK” permeated the air as the first enchanted javelin found itself buried in a mage’s chest. I looked over in surprise at Leyara who had a wicked grin on her face.

Dog bounded around and had the absolute time of his life as magic spears blossomed out of mage’s chests. Drool ran down his face as he thought of the bones he would have after this. He stopped suddenly and I was concerned, but it passed shortly after he spoke.

“Wait, did anyone keep up with how many that was? I lost count...”

“I wasn’t keeping up with it, Dog.”

"It's ok Ron we can count afterward."

“Thanks, Leyara, I am not certain what Master even does at this point.”

The icy cold star I shot him for that mark caused him to bury his head and relieve himself. His tears and urine mixing until his urine evaporated leaving just the pool of tears. I still wasn’t sure what was going on there.

“You are going to spoil him you know. He’s already insufferably full of himself.”

“He’s cute, what do you want from me?”

“I can’t argue your logic, but still. Just don’t let him get any worse.”

I looked into her eyes for a brief moment as fireballs flew around Ron began his deadly prance through the enemy lines. The smile on my face was genuine and I wanted to ride that feeling, but she interrupted the look.

“Let’s join the fun! We can’t let Ron do ALL the killing.”

She still managed to be cute even though she was a bloodthirsty warrior. The armor Leyara cast on Dog proved to be obnoxious as Ron himself was. As I moved to kill another mage, a glowing spear erupted from his chest with that familiar "SHUNK". Ron ran with a broad smile on his face as he jumped around and in between the mages. Each mage dispatched elicited a chuckle from Ron. Little sadistic ain’t he?

I had to admit the more I swung my sword the more and more comfy and reminiscent it made me. I couldn’t say I had swung a sword in my previous life outside of Wii Sports or with a stick as a child. I think the memories and muscle memory came from Vampir himself. I could tell that Vampir had swung his sword countless times and taken his training pretty damn seriously.

We pursued the Lord into his chambers after we dispatched the last of the remaining mages. Dog’s orange glow dissolved as well to his great dismay. His tail and ears sunk.

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

“I promise to cast it again.”

Leyara promised the once again happy Dog as we entered the oversized wooden door after the king. The Lord's chambers overlooked the parade grounds and into the sprawling pelt-covered town. Lord Croshutes was cowering behind one of the corner posts of his elaborate, silk laden bed.

The king attempted to run around the bed and out the door as we entered. Leyara threw a dagger at him which caused him to stumble and fall. His crown rolled across the ground and came to a stop as Dog put his foot on it.

"W-w-w-where am I?" Who are you, people?! G-gu-guards!”

We stood there in the heavy air of awkwardness as this guy cowered in confused fear like we didn’t just chase him through the castle halls up from the root cellar.

“I guess we haven’t been introduced properly, but it seems out of turn at this point.”

I put one arm behind my back and crossed the other in front of me and bowed as respectfully as I could.

“I am Vampir Darknaciel and I am here to free the kidnapped Dark Elves and I guess kill all of the blood mages that have set up camp here.”

“I am Leyara Quenith de Folioran, the crown princess of the Foliora people and I am here to exact revenge and justice for your heinous acts on my people and the violation of the Human-Foliora treaty of 1312.”

“Elf? Wait, are you with Rimelda?!”

Rimelda? I raised my eyebrow with the obvious question to Leyara. I felt that I just got way too much information thrown at me all at once, but I felt the more obvious question was who this person and why their name seemed familiar.

“Rimelda Croshutes. The good lord’s beloved demi-human wife.”

“Wife?! I would never marry one of those despicable demi-humans!”

This lines up more with what I have heard. What’s going on with this guy?

“This crown smells disgusting, Master. Its got magic on it.”

“My crown? It was a gift for my wedding…”

“You remember the wedding but not the bride?”

“I had gone to check out some strange magic coming from the north tower when I ran into my slave girl, Rimelda…”

"Oh, I know this one! This is a pretty common trope in stories. Your slave brainwashed you into marrying her to punish you for your previous crimes against her people. Usually, though there is some further political intrigue or an impending war or army marching etc."

“Wow! How do you know so much Vampir?”

"No, I don't know it, it's just a common storyline."

“But it would explain what’s going on though, no?”

Leyara made a solid point, but I was not going to be able to explain the story trope. I just added it to my mental list of misunderstandings to clear up. The fear and confusion continued to build upon Lord Croshute’s face. The painting that hung on the wall of himself and his mystery Elven bride was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

“Aaahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!”

The lord's scream broke the silence, but unfortunately, his next action would cause me no end to heartache and quite a bit of anger. This asshole ran through his glass French doors to his balcony and sliced himself to pieces. He also managed to stumble over a small flower vase and continued to tumble over the edge of his balcony. His pants slid to his ankles during this one-man obstacle challenge.

I wasn't sure if he intended to just escape to the balcony or he was going to end it all. He moved so unexpectedly that even Dog and Leyara were stunned into silence. No matter how I looked at it, I don't think pantsing himself was part of his plan. I could almost hear Effie now.

“That there young'uns got a snake in his trousers."

The sad part is, I still wouldn't be sure of her meaning, but the tears of anger, confusion, and shame that fell Veil's face as he went said it all for me. I could do well if I saved the lord of this land. Even grant me a favor or two if I played my cards right. He’s a Lord with a capital “L”, ya know?

I sprinted to catch him and I caught up to him as he tumbled bare ass over the edge. Unfortunately, my swipe to catch him by his tunic at Mach 3 speed resulted in a less than favorable outcome. The good lord was blasted clean in half by the force of my high-speed swipe.

“Oh… That is not good. Ummm Leyara?”

Lord Croshute’s halves fell to the parade ground below and right in front of the new treaty formed Elves from Vinitak. The four platoons of Elves were lined up rank and file surrounding a naked woman with enormous black-feathered wings. The looks on their face were pure venom as the murmurs rose from the soldiers.

“He just murdered Lord Croshutes!”

“Hurry and sacrifice the angel, we need to get out of here!”

The looks of fury on the commander's faces were quite evident. They grit their teeth and barked orders like the militarized people that they were. Amongst them was an Elven woman in the back of the platoons.

“Leave the Arch Demon for the vampire and let’s hasten our retreat with the Princess.”

Wait. Did he say, angel? Don't I need one of those?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Name: Vampir Darknaciel - (Shawn Mullins)

Date of Birth: Reign 23rd 3015

Race: Vampire (Human)

Hair: Black (bloody)

Eyes: Red (Unholy Glow)

Current value: 239.9 million Gold Coins, Approx. 149 trillion Gold Coins worth of Invisibility Potion, Resurrection Token

Magic Pocket: Pretty much one of everything (unverified), Journal of a Madman

Powers: Voice Mesmer, Animal Transmutation, Super Strength, Mach 3 Speed, Immunity, Kinesis (Psycho), Hissy Fit Vaporize, Derbegun (Cleaning Spell), Hemiowgun (Healing Spell), Stop (Time Spell), Dauntlet (Shadow Armor), Regeneration (Heightened after feeding)

Weaknesses: The Sun, Holy Water, Dog, cries blood, Leyara, Grave Box at Witch’s, Blood Rage, Marble Pillars

Strengths: Barfights, takes arrows to the chest like a champ, Digging Holes, Fungus House Demolition, Dog, Blood Rage, Chucking swords, Mach 3 Bitch Slap