THE MORNING EMAIL
The next morning, the team walked into the office, bleary-eyed and half-expecting another dull day. But what greeted them instead was an email from corporate—one that would turn their world upside down.
It seemed that since the CEO had returned, legal teams were swarming, going through old records like sharks in a feeding frenzy. One thing was clear: someone high up in Legal had found something. A contract. Signed, sealed, and horribly binding.
The document wasn’t just any ordinary lease agreement. It was between Generic Co. and Abyssal Co.—also known as Abyss Co. And whoever had signed it last year had effectively sold three human souls along with the company’s assets. Legal was livid. Rumor had it someone was even dragged into a chair and beaten senseless for signing it, but none of the staff were brave enough to confirm if that was true.
What made it worse? Everything that was happening at Warehouse 118—the strange shifts, the surreal logistics, and the unmovable box—was already covered in that damned contract. On first glance, the deal had probably seemed like a win for Generic Co. But now? The crew was realizing that every strange occurrence at the warehouse was something they had unwittingly agreed to.
To make matters worse, corporate sent a warning: because they had sold three souls, Abyss Co. owed those individuals a lifetime job guarantee. No matter what mistakes they made, they could never be fired. This came with an unsettling addendum: as long as Abyss Co. was satisfied, the warehouse wouldn’t shut down.
Suddenly, Warehouse 118 became the most important site in the entire company. Security would be increased tenfold, and what used to be a retail space would now be transformed into a distribution hub. The company was buying up the surrounding prairie land to expand, and everyone’s eyes were glued to Warehouse 118. No one dared to screw up. If they failed, the entire company would collapse—absorbed by Abyss Co.
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BOB, LARRY, AND TREVOR’S REALIZATION
When Larry walked into the office, Bob had already read the email and dismissed it. He was out back, enjoying his morning coffee and a joint. Trevor found him first.
“Read your email,” Trevor said grimly.
By the time Larry joined them out back, they were already four joints in. Larry simply muttered, “Pass me one.” The three of them sat in silence for a few minutes, processing what had just happened.
“Did they really just sell our souls?” Larry asked, wide-eyed.
Bob, half-laughing and half-terrified, exhaled a cloud of smoke. “Oh, it gets worse. You don’t even know the half of it.”
He pulled a crumpled paper from his pocket—his notes from the night before. It was a messy list of everything they had done wrong since the whole mess began. When Trevor and Larry read about the handle, they exchanged uneasy glances.
“I’ll get it back tomorrow,” Trevor said.
“No,” Larry replied, grinning despite the weight of the situation. “You’re taking us to your house for dinner tonight. I’ll bring the steaks.”
And with that, they agreed to call it quits for the day—until another email arrived. This one was from Abyss Co.
The subject line: Questionnaire—No Questions Asked.
Without a word, the three of them printed off the forms, filled them out, and left them on their desks. They walked out of the office like men on borrowed time, determined to start figuring out how to fix everything before the entire company went belly-up.
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FORMING A PLAN
That night, over steaks and too much whiskey, the three of them made a pact. If they were going to survive being absorbed into Abyss Co., they needed a back-up plan.
“Where does the doorway go?” Bob asked suddenly.
That’s when it hit them—they already had an escape route: the outhouse portal. All they had to do was move the handle back to the office and secure the other end of the portal somewhere they could hide.
“Maybe we could set up a place on the other side. Like… a retirement home?” Larry suggested.
“Yeah, if we’re getting sold off to the abyss, might as well enjoy it,” Trevor added with a laugh. “There’s got to be a house on the other side. I mean, if there’s an outhouse, there’s gotta be a house, right?”
Fueled by booze and a reckless kind of hope, they agreed: they’d use the portal as a safety net. If things ever got too weird, they’d jump through and disappear—start fresh on an alien planet, maybe. Or just hide.
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THE NEW CHAIN OF COMMAND
The next morning, they were ready to tackle their new lives. But what they didn’t know was that corporate had already visited the Cat 5 Kid and Waldo the night before.
Abyss Co.’s HR representative had made them an offer they couldn’t refuse. Now, the Cat 5 Kid was no longer just a piece of cable—he was the Cat 9 Kid, upgraded with 60 pounds of extra hardware.
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Waldo, as always, was silent but watchful. But with Abyss Co.’s promise of increased authority, the two of them now had more power than ever before. The HR rep had even promised to send them a house cat for added protection if things got out of hand.
The message was clear: the abyss was watching.
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CONTRACT FOR WAREHOUSE LEASE AND OPERATIONAL PARTNERSHIP
This AGREEMENT (the “Agreement”) is entered into this ___ day of ________, 20, between:
Abyss Co., a wholly interdimensional enterprise organized under Laws Both Known and Unspoken (“Service Provider”), and
Generic Co., a limited liability corporation incorporated in [State/Country] (“Customer”).
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SECTION 1: LEASE TERMS AND CONDITIONS
1.1 Premises Leased:
Warehouse 118, including but not limited to:
* All physical assets, walls, floors, and ceilings (within three spatial dimensions);
* Ambient environments subject to regular and irregular shifts due to Service Provider interventions (as needed); and
* Employees working within said Warehouse (optional inclusion in operational arrangements per Abyss Co.’s discretion).
1.2 Duration:
This lease shall be for an initial period of one (1) year, renewable annually at the sole discretion of Abyss Co. for a fee of $10,000 USD per renewal year. Cancellation of the agreement requires the following:
* By Generic Co.: Cancellation may occur without penalty for “cause,” including but not limited to mismanagement, failure to meet agreed goals, or disappearance of management teams.
* By Abyss Co.: Early cancellation will require payment of $100,000 USD in administrative fees, to be paid from current or future company profits.
1.3 Substantial Modifications:
The Service Provider reserves the right to adjust the structural, temporal, or metaphysical integrity of Warehouse 118 as operational needs dictate. Changes may include, but are not limited to:
* Environmental reconditioning, including time dilation or spatial fracturing.
* Employee role reassignment to areas beyond current understanding.
* Full or partial reality re-assignments (see Appendix B).
1.4 Onboarding and Staff Promotion:
Employees affected by these modifications will be offered new roles with competitive benefits, provided they meet alignment requirements and successfully adjust to the Abyssal Working Parameters (see Abyss Handbook v.6). Personal essence collateral may be applied in lieu of traditional probation periods.
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SECTION 2: OPERATIONS AND LOGISTICS
2.1 Responsibility for Goods:
All shipments originating from the Abyssal Holding Pools will be processed through Warehouse 118. These items may include long-dormant or indecipherable goods held in dimensional escrow for aeons. The Customer agrees to make all commercially reasonable efforts to sell, sort, or repurpose these items. Failure to do so may result in operational shifts or “corrections.”
2.2 Branding Adjustments:
It is hereby understood and accepted that the Customer will adopt Abyss Co.’s Visual Identity Standards, effective immediately upon execution of the Agreement. Changes may retroactively apply to all corporate signage, employee uniforms, and historical records. Employees experiencing memory inconsistencies regarding the company’s name, mission, or purpose shall report these issues to Human Resources (HR representative: Waldo).
* Note: If after one (1) year, Generic Co. performs to standard, Abyss Co. reserves the right to exercise the “Reclamation Clause” (see Appendix C). Under this clause, Generic Co. will be re-designated as a fully-owned subsidiary of Abyss Co., effective from the inception of both entities. “It has always been Abyss Co.,” as applicable law shall affirm.
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SECTION 3: INTELLECTUAL PROPERTY AND STAFF COLLATERAL
3.1 Ownership of Employees:
By signing this Agreement, the Customer consents to transfer partial ownership of all Warehouse 118 personnel (present and future) to Abyss Co. Staff are expected to comply with minor soul-sharing requirements where relevant to operational success. Abyss Co. may, at its discretion:
* Offer promotions involving extradimensional benefits;
* Rotate employees into roles they were always destined for; or
* Absorb certain staff members as permanent representatives of The Abyssal Collective Workforce (no opt-out available).
3.2 Essence Liability:
In cases where operational targets are not met, Bob (or any equivalent operational lead) will become liable for re-alignment and subject to depth review by the Abyssal Oversight Committee. Decisions made by this committee shall be considered eternally binding and irrevocable across all dimensions of existence, past, present, or future.
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SECTION 4: TERMINATION AND DISPUTE RESOLUTION
4.1 Termination by Either Party:
This Agreement may be terminated upon mutual consent, provided that both parties occupy the same time-state at the moment of termination and all relevant fees are settled. Failure to synchronize termination may result in a contractual loop.
4.2 Disputes:
Any disputes shall be resolved through binding arbitration overseen by The Hand Which Writes What Cannot Be Read. The arbitration process is swift, painless, and occurs in a realm beyond mortal time. Judgments are final and shall be accepted without question, hesitation, or further petition.
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SECTION 5: MISCELLANEOUS
5.1 Governing Law:
This Agreement is governed by the Primordial Laws, as interpreted by the courts of Abyss Co. and universally acknowledged within and outside the known multiverse.
5.2 Entire Agreement:
This Agreement constitutes the entire understanding between the parties and supersedes all prior or concurrent understandings, agreements, representations, or warranties, written or oral. It has always been this way.
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SIGNATURES
For Generic Co.: _______________________________
Authorized Representative: ________________________
Date: ___________________________________________
For Abyss Co.: _________________________________
(“The Hand Which Writes What Cannot Be Read”)
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APPENDIX A: EXCLUDED ITEMS
This space intentionally left blank.
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APPENDIX B: REALITY RE-ASSIGNMENT CLAUSE
* Changes made through the Reclamation Clause will retroactively overwrite all history and records to reflect that Generic Co. has always been Abyss Co.
* All employees will acknowledge this shift as a matter of professional pride.