I wander around the tunnels, getting lost.  The four tracks that stick out from Shan like spokes on a wheel are the widest, though, so when I find one of them again I head back down towards the intersection.  Finally I find it, and try to orient myself.  People are milling about, and I don’t recognize anyone, except for Marissa and Nerev.  Their tent is in between the southern and western tracks, and I watch them for a moment.  Marissa is rubbing her hand over her belly, her head in Nerev’s lap, and he’s stroking her swollen stomach too.  No one has had a child in them for so long in decades.  It’s all been live extractions and artificial development since even before my parents can remember.  My mother didn’t even give birth to me and Abigala; when she found out she was pregnant the doctors took us out of her, let us grow until we were around what would’ve been around a year old if we had actually been born, and gave us back.  My parents visited us to take care of us while we were in the doctors’ care, and then finally got to take us home as one-year-old babies on February 28th.  That’s our birthday.  But it’s not really, because we were not born.

I’ve been standing here for a minute, and I snap out of my trance, and then go down the western track towards the fire forum.  But before I get there I reach Ava’s tent, and there’s someone inside, I can tell by the flickering of the light coming from inside.  I open the flap.  Ava sits on her mat with a candle by her side, staring at the words on her little index card that Penny gave her weeks ago.

She looks up when I come in, though, and puts it to the side.  “Aber.”

“What is she doing?” I whisper.  “Why is she working with your mother?”

Ava looks up at me, and then holds out her hand.  “I don’t know.”

I take it, and sit down on the mat a little ways away from her.  I draw my legs up to my chest, wrapping my arms around them, and Ava sits on her knees.  “I didn’t know, Aber, not when we got married, I didn’t know until a while after.”

“It must’ve,” I say, my mind still racing.  “She must’ve, you didn’t know?”

“No,” says Ava gently, shaking her head.  “I’ve never even met her.  My mother never said her name and I never had a reason to think anything of it.  I only found out when I started digging, on purpose, for you.”

“So why didn’t you tell me?” I ask, tears filling my eyes, and she sighs, reaching out for me.  She puts her hands on my face, and I can see her lower lip trembling too, and she says, “Hey.”

I shake my head slightly.

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t know how to tell you, I wanted to find out what it meant, why it all happened, so I could explain it to you, but I never did, not in time.”

“I thought she was good,” I say quietly, my voice breaking, and Ava nods.  “I know.  She might be.”

“How can she be?” I ask, hearing in my voice the desperation that I feel.  “You said, you told me she got married, she’s working for your mother.”

“Yes,” says Ava softly.  “Maybe she was looking for you.”

“She would’ve,” I say.  She would’ve found me.  She would’ve contacted me by now, or at least tried.  She would’ve gotten me out of there.  I would’ve done anything for her, I would’ve made it happen against all odds.  She wouldn’t have gotten married.  

“I don’t know how much he can do,” says Ava slowly, “but we can keep asking Haywood.  Maybe he has people who could figure out more than I could.”

“I don’t wanna talk about it right now,” I murmur.  I’m suddenly exhausted, drained of all energy, and I want nothing more than to be in Ava’s bed again, under the heavy red comforter with Nua on the other side and with space between us.  

“Okay,” Ava says simply, running her hand through her hair, and I watch her.  Her fingers are shaking, and I ask, “How long has it been since you’ve smoked?”

She just laughs, looking at her trembling hand, and sighs.  “It’s fine, now, I don’t miss it that much.”

“I don’t miss it either,” I mutter, and she laughs again, adjusting herself on her feet.  “Why do you think I used to smoke, Aber?”

I blink.  “I don’t know.”

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“Yeah, you do.”

I shrug.  “I dunno.  You were dying anyway.”

She smiles slightly, and then presses her lips together.  “Yeah, I was.”

“You seemed to like it anyway.”

She laughs a little, and shakes her head.  “I think smoking is a dirty and disgusting habit and whoever does it proves that they don’t care about themself or the people around them.”

I look at her.

“And that’s what you thought about me, wasn’t it?”

“Not anymore,” I say quietly.  “But you…”

“Say it.”

“You were always bitter,” I say.  “And rude.”

She laughs again.  “Why do you think I was?”

I shrug, and she sighs.  “That’s what you thought about me then,” she says quietly.  “What about now?”

“I think you’re sad,” I say after a moment.  “And I think you’re frightened.”

“Of what?” she asks, her voice soft.

“What else?” I say, reaching out for her hand.  She takes it, and I run my thumb over the ring with the diamonds.  “Your mother.”

She scoffs, but doesn’t deny it.

“And us,” I continue.  “Well, for us.  Everything we’ve done, what will they do if they find us?”

“I’ll protect you,” she says, squeezing my fingers, and I manage a smile.  “I know.  You say that.  And whether you believe it or not, we’ll protect you, too.”

“I know,” she says quietly.  “I believe it.”

I nod, and she says, “I just want you to be happy.”

“I know,” I whisper.

“And I took that away from you, a little bit,” she says softly, and I shake my head, but she nods.  “Not on purpose, and I didn’t have a choice, but I did.  And now I have to help you, and I will.  We’ll figure it out, we’ll figure everything out, I promise.  We’ll get your parents back and we’ll all be safe.”

“I love you,” I whisper, and she laughs, even as tears fill her eyes.  I smile again despite myself.  “I do, you said it before, and I didn’t know, but I do, I do, I love you.”

She smiles, and I smile too, and she lifts my hand and presses it to her lips.  “We’ll be okay.”

“Yeah,” I whisper, rubbing my fingers over hers.  I touch Keol’s ring;  even wearing it on her thumb it’s slightly too big, and she fiddles with it all the time.  “When did you get it?  He was still wearing it when…and they took him away before you saw him again.”

She sighs, looking at it too, and then gently pulls her hand out of mine and slides it off, holding it in her palm.  “Bayan gave it to me.  So I’d trust him, know he wasn’t on my mother’s side.”

I furrow my eyebrows.  “He wouldn’t be.”

“No,” she agrees, “but he wanted to make sure I was sure.”

I nod.  “He’s a good man.”

“He’s been with us…forever,” she says quietly, tears glistening in her eyes again as she looks up at me.  “We were six or seven, I think, he helped my mother raise us, but he never should’ve.  He knew Penny and…he knew Owen, too.”

“Where’s his?”

“Whose what?” she asks, and I laugh slightly.  “Owen’s ring.”

Her fist clenches around Keol’s suddenly, as if she’s afraid I was about to lunge forward and take it.  “She has it.”

I can guess by her tone who Ava is talking about.  She closes her eyes, then says, “She took it off his body when we found him.  It’s probably still at home.”

“I’m sorry,” I murmur.  

She just sighs again, and shakes her head.  “Not your fault.”

“I think he waited for you,” I say softly, and she looks up at me, furrowing her eyebrows.  “Who?”

“Keol,” I murmur, and her face changes.  I don’t know what she’s thinking, but I just rest my chin on my knees.  “You were gone all that day.”

“I know,” she whispers, pressing her lips together, and I shake my head.  “No, it’s not a bad thing, it’s not your fault, you didn’t know.  But we were with him, me and Nua and Bayan.  And it wasn’t until you came home, and you kissed him on the forehead…”

Ava’s cheeks are wet, and I feel bad.  I shouldn’t have brought it up, of course she feels horrible that she was gone all day the day that he died, in the city for a meeting, she should have been there for his last hours.  But I think it was for the best, to be honest.  He was tired, and she probably would have realized he was about to die, and it would’ve been so much harder to see him awake, alive, before he slipped away.  Instead he died in his sleep, just like we thought she did.  But even so, he slept for a while before she came home, yet it wasn’t until after she had kissed him one last time that he took his last breath.  “He wouldn’t have gone without you there.”

Ava takes a deep, shuddering breath, and I feel her fingers squeeze around mine, tight.  “I should’ve.”

“There was nothing,” I murmur, but she shakes her head, stopping me.  “No, I should’ve, I should have told him.”

She loved him.  Everyone knew it, but she never said it.

“We only said it once,” she whispers.  “We both knew it, but we only said it once.  After I slept with you.”

I wince, and she laughs a little even through her tears.  “He wasn’t mad at you,” she says quietly.  “He liked you, actually.  We could’ve…”

My heart clenches.  I wish we did, but we never had the time.  But now Ava just shakes her head, and then leans her head back.  “I don’t wanna talk about this, either.”

“Yeah,” I say softly, feeling a tear trickle down my own cheek.  I wipe my face, and then lean over and pick up the book of fairy tales.  She watches, a slight smile on her lips, and after a moment says, “Find Ali Baba.”

“I don’t know that one,” I say, and she smiles, leaning over to me and looking at the page.  “It’s Penny’s favorite.”

“Ali Baba and the Forty Thieves,” I read, and she puts her chin on her hand, looking up at me.  Then she glances at the page again and then back to me, and I smile.  “Okay, okay.”