All right, let's get this out of the way. Hi there. Name's Jake. Well, it was. Suppose I should introduce myself as Renee Teslyn these days. You want to hear a funny joke? Reincarnation. Want to hear a funnier one? Gender-bending. Congrats, guys, you've stumbled upon yet another tale of some schmuck getting dumped into another world expected to struggle their way through a new identity in the hopes of finding some happiness.

Will they beat the terrible villains who seek to make their lives shitty? Will they crush all those nosy bitches who look down on them in spite of their obvious goodness? Will they finally fall for the obvious shitty male lead who is just soooo arrogant that he must be loaded and rich? That's right, that's all the stuff you're supposed to be looking forward to here. Just one problem: I don't give a shit about any of that.

So... groundwork. Like I said, my name was Jake up until a few days ago. No tragic backstory or anything like that. Standard life. Standard level of distaste for modern society. Standard level of escapism via comics, video games, and books. I wouldn't say that I was some sort of recluse, I just didn't bother with much of that socializing stuff and really was fine with it. Probably.

Tough to ignore the fact that you've got zero interest in what most people think you should care about even if you don't feel like anything's wrong with it. Not important.

Everything gets a little fuzzy after that. I remember something about an asshole screaming at a couple of my neighbors, waving a gun around and ranting about how they were what was wrong with this country. No real idea what possessed me to get involved. Lord knows it would've been easier to stay out of it but I did... something, and then I was here.

It was a popup display. You know the style. Big, bold, and obviously digital even though there was no obvious projector for it.

It displayed several gaudy looking effects like "Innocent Face" and "Pale Beauty" that each had stat bonuses beneath them. I hit the close button on the top right and went back to sleep.

"Why the hell are you still in bed?"

The blanket was ripped away from me with an angry jerk. I opened my eyes to see a maid scowling at me with pretty obvious contempt. Great, so we were starting off with one of those scenarios. What fun.

"Because I was still tired," I grunted. "All right, let's get it out of the way, who are you."

"Is that your latest game? Pretending to have lost your mind. Or did the Lady finally beat you so bad you lost what remained of your sanity. Get up Renee."

Now that she mentioned it, I did feel pretty sore. Glancing at my legs I saw several angry red welts and more than a few cuts that hadn't been treated. Lovely.

"Let's try this again. Apparently I'm Renee, but you still haven't told me who you are."

A vein in the maid's forehead started jutting out pretty amusingly. For a second I thought she might actually take a swing at me but she got control of herself and answered me.

"I am Leanne, personal maid to Renee, the most despised lady in the house. Left to clean up your messes and deal with your tantrums. Does that answer you question, Miss?"

I did not at all care for the bitter twist she put in the word 'miss' but I was also coming to a different terrible realization. Up 'til that point I'd still had a fair bit of grogginess going on and hadn't really put two and two together yet.

"Oh fuck this," I muttered.

That's right, folks, your wonderful protagonist took this long to come to realize that his twig and berries had been replaced with less exterior bits and his chest was now a hell of a lot more prominent.

"I beg your pardon?!?" the maid actually looked a bit scandalized by my language.

I'd been ignoring a flashing popup in the corner of my vision for a while now but I finally decided to see what would happen if I just reached out and tried to click it like I'd done to close the last one. I was rewarded with a new display.

That was... odd. Not that it wasn't a bit tempting to lash out at this rude woman who was apparently supposed to be my servant but it didn't sit well with me. Sure, there was the obvious lingering "don't hit women" thing in the back of my formerly male brain, but there was also something simpler. I didn't much care for the fact that someone else was telling me what to do.

A strange power trying to direct my behavior to fit its whims? Nah. I closed the popup.

Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

"Are you just going to ignore me?" Leanne snapped.

"Huh, oh right, your question. I said 'Oh fuck this' didn't realize you were hard of hearing."

While Leanne was still sputtering with outrage I dragged myself out of bed, hissing slightly as the movement stretched barely-healed wounds and reopened others. Seriously, what had this body been putting up with until now?

"Do we have any bandages or anything? This is a bit ridiculous," I pointed to my freshly bleeding legs.

To her credit, Leanne managed to look a bit guilty at that.

"You know that Lady Mirielle has ordered the staff not to provide treatment until your attitude improves. I'm not able to provide any bandages."

"Great, so you'll let me get an infection and die because your boss is a bitch. Real paragon of virtue you are, Len."

While she was continuing to sputter at my behavior, I marched over to what I assumed was a dresser and looked inside. There were a number of gaudy looking dresses that wouldn't have been to my taste even if I were the sort to want to wear dresses. They all looked a bit less than well maintained and probably were far from the current trends if my read on the situation was right. Fortunately for me, I wasn't looking to wear them right now. I grabbed the ugliest one and started ripping.

"What are you doing now?!" the shock and horror on Len's face got a giggle out of me before I realized it was coming.

"Making bandages... duh?"

"You can't just destroy your dress like that! I'll be punished!"

"I can and I am. Sucks to be you, I guess."

The confusion on her face was still pretty funny, but I was mostly focused on getting my legs wrapped up so that I didn't have to feel shit rubbing against them anymore. This whole situation was ridiculous. I had like three existential crises waiting in the wings to hit me so I was focusing on the obvious problems first. Some time during the process Leanne had run out of the room. Probably to tattle on me to someone but I couldn't have cared less about that. The key issue of the moment was just getting my bearings.

This seemed to be a fairly standard "Reincarnated into the sad and miserable life of a noble or aristocrat or some such shit and has to bootstrap herself into a better life through sheer force of will and plot armor" setting. I'd read plenty of them back when I was Jake and had even enjoyed a lot of them. The idea of being stuck in one? Not as appealing. I didn't seem to have any of Renee's memories to try and get a clearer picture on what was going on but context clues certainly painted enough of a picture.

Another flashing popup. I ignored it.

With my legs finally bandaged, not the easiest task to do solo let me tell you, I headed to the window to get a look at this world I'd found myself in. What I saw did not impress me terribly. You've seen the sweeping displays of impressive gardens and elaborate overdesigned mansions by now. Too much grass, ridiculous paths for idle nobles to wander through while pretending to need that sort of thing to destress after their intense challenges like... dance parties. Yeah, this place didn't even have that. It had the paths, sure, but most everything that might have qualified as a 'garden' at one point had long since withered to nothingness. A lone groundskeeper wandered listlessly across the premises, not looking like he had much of a goal but rather was trying to keep just busy enough to keep from getting fired. Delightful.

"Leanne told me you were acting strange, but I didn't believe her when she said you'd taken total leave of your senses."

I glanced over my shoulder to see an older woman sneering at me. She had that standard aristocratic flair to her. Handsome features, a bit past her prime but not too far gone, an expensive looking red black dress that hugged her shape nicely, and dark red hair that would make her stand out in any crowd she'd ever take part in. She was also looking at me with something beyond contempt.

"Mirielle, I take it?"

Suddenly I was on the ground, my cheek stinging. It took a moment to even register what had happened. She'd slapped me so hard that she'd knocked me to the ground. I hadn't even realized that was possible. Realistically, it was just a sign of how frail 'Renee" was. Malnourished, frequently abused, generally downtrodden.

"You seem to have grown delirious, child. I shall have to beat some sense into you."

It's probably best not to go into too much detail about that next hour. Suffice it to say that Mirielle was quite skilled at dealing out punishment. In addition to tearing open any old wounds I had, the switch she so adeptly wielded struck my back time and again in so many tender places that a certain analytical part of my brain was kind of impressed. The rest of me was in searing agony and general misery, but I was just disassociated enough from the whole experience to hold on to that detail with a bit of wry amusement. Don't get me wrong, I was screaming the whole damn time. Not once in my life had I ever endured anything close to that. You really can forget how much direct suffering a person can endure when you spend your life in more of a general cyberpunk dystopia than honest to god 'beaten nearly to death' shittiness.

"Don't you ever dare say my name again you miserable child," panted Mirielle as she left me broken on the floor. "Take care of this, Leanne."

With that, the 'Lady' of the house took her leave. Mirielle quietly moved to help me into bed. Mustering what little strength I could, I shoved her aside.

"Fuck off," I snarled at her, catching her off guard. "Actually, you know what? Fuck this."

It was a strange sense of purpose that came over me. Whatever game was being played here, I couldn't be bothered to care about it. I wanted to be done and I had the power to be done with it. We were on the third floor, that was probably high enough."

"Stop that," said Leanne, something close to pity in her voice. "Let me help you to bed, you have to rest after a beating like that."

"Rest, huh? Yeah, that sounds about right."

Each step was torture, as my body begged me to lie down, but I knew what I wanted and I wasn't going to be stopped now.

"Miss..." Leanne moved to support me.

"Stay the hell away from me!" I yelled, angry at myself for the note of panic that crept in. 

Chastened, my maid stood back as I made my way to the balcony. Maybe she thought I was looking to get a moment of cool air on my skin to balance out the stinging hotness of my wounds. Maybe she thought i was just trying to look at the stars. It didn't matter. She didn't guess my purpose or she'd have had to try to stop me. Looking down at the hard ground beneath me I had a second of hesitation, but only a second.

"Renee!" I heard Len yell in horror as I allowed myself to tumble over the railing. Then I felt a sickening crunch and then nothing at all.

The bold text displayed in front of me .

"Oh fuck this."