Zack felt exhilarated and exhausted at the same time. It was a rush shutting down the mage and the small army that accompanied him. It felt great to present all the loot and reveal himself to his new friends, However, on his walk back to his cabin he had a knawing sense of anxiety creep into his consciousness. He thought he should be more bothered by killing the arrogant mage.

Zack pondered, this place feels and plays like a virtual world. When I ended Mage Hogant’s life I didn’t feel a thing. Shouldn’t I feel something? He was a human being after all.

Zack knew in his heart of hearts that killing Hogant was not at the core of his uneasiness. He could not put his finger on what it was. When he was a kid turning young adult, he was racked with anxiety. He learned later in life it is part and parcel with ADHD. Before he understood ADHD and anxiety, his dad had a good method for working his way out of a problem.

His dad would say, “Zack, first, what do we know for sure about the possible problems you are facing?”

Zack almost always could zero in on what was bothering him.

Once he was able to put his finger on the problem, his dad would say, “Second, what do we know about the problem?”

He would have Zack list everything he knew, relevant or not, about the issue at hand.

Once Zack had created an exhaustive list his dad would ask, “Third, now that we know the problem and can understand it from all angles. Is the problem really a problem? If it is really a problem, is it a right now problem or a future problem.”

It would amaze Zack how many times he dissected the problem and found that he was anxious over nothing. Once he shine the light of day on his issue it seemed to vanish in importance or scope.

If he determined it was really an issue, Zack would take a moment to define its scope in terms of being present or future. Again once, if he could quantify how immediate the problem was it would seem much less daunting.

Finally, his dad would say, “Once the problem is right sized and understood, is there anything I can do to affect a positive change on the problem?”

This was the part that always made him feel better. When he felt like he could affect a change for the better or recognize the situation was out of his control he could relegate the anxiety to its proper place. This seemed to provide a sense of peace he was often missing.

Zack arrived at his cabin and showered. He grabbed some paper and a pencil with a cup of coffee and sat down on the porch. He looked out over the lake and thought this is the perfect problem to ponder while fishing. He made a note to himself to figure out how he could start fishing again in this crazy monster infested water. He pondered his anxiety and his father’s wisdom.

He thought, step one, what are the possible problems I am facing?

Zack began to write a list on his paper.

1. I am navigating a completely foreign world that has magic and crazy powerful creatures.

2. I am far from home and not sure I will ever get back.

Zack thought with a growing pit in his stomach, shit that is number one. I miss my family so much.

Wiping away a few tears he rewrote his list.

1. I am far from home and not sure I will ever get back.

2. I am navigating a completely foreign world that has magic and crazy powerful creatures.

3. The more I engage the world the more that is required of me.

Zack paused, hhhmmm that’s not quite it, it feels like the more I engage the more I feel responsible to help? Dammit, that’s not quite it either.

Zack took a big swig of his coffee and stared out over the lake. There is a big, weird world out there with people living their lives. The more I get involved with people and their politics the more I expose myself.

He tapped the pencil against his lip, is “expose myself” right? The more vulnerable I feel to the unknown.

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Zack instantly knew he understood that which had been eluding him. He turned back to the list.

1. I am far from home and not sure I will ever get back.

2. I am navigating a completely foreign world that has magic and crazy powerful creatures.

3. The more I engage the world the more vulnerable I feel to all that I don’t know.

4. The more I engage the world the more vulnerable I feel due to my power as a wizard.

With the last point he chuckled, a fucking wizard, how is that real? How is any of this real? This feels like a game.

5. I have killed people in this world, and I should feel more remorseful about it.

He thought, I know they were assholes who richly deserved it. But I am pretty sure I should be way more bothered by it than I am.

Zack took another swig and thought, I wonder if being full of magic changes the way one sees the world and how they feel about it. Am I being so detached because it doesn’t feel real? Or is it because I knew to not act would result in many others hurt or murdered? I need to ask Paxton.

6. I know my past trauma and rage seem to fuel this power

He thought about his dad’s face. The look in his eyes when he was snuffed out of existence. The initial fear followed by acceptance and at the very end, the small smile as he looked into Zack’s eyes. Zack felt tears roll down his face. He was filled with so much rage. He screamed into the sky and punched the table breaking it in two. He stood and screamed with tears in his eyes. He remembered the feeling of powerlessness that shut his body down. As if all the energy was sucked from it and a wet dark blanket fell on his soul. The feeling of utter despair as his dad was turned into smoke and vanished in the wind.

He was on his hands and knees heave crying. How could I let it happen? Why didn’t I do something. Why did I let my dad die? Why did my dad seem ok with it? I should have fought harder. I should have been stronger.

Then as if an idea he had never thought before, more of a memory he had never seen before fought its way to his consciousness. He saw the people who killed his dad. They were tall with jet black hair. They did not seem to notice Zack in the park at all that day. His dad seemed to be doing things leading up to his death to keep the killers focused on him. In the craziness of that moment, he remembered his dad putting up his palm towards him. Zack remembered feeling pushed back and suddenly lost his will to act.

Zack stood up in and snapped back to reality. What the fuck. Wait, what the fuck. Did my dad use magic? That can’t be right, there is no magic on earth. He must have imagined it. Yet I know what I felt.

While Zack processed this new memory it became clear to him that there were other gaps in his memory. He had no memory of what happened immediately after his dad was killed. Or even a clear picture of how he was killed. He felt his heart racing and knew he needed to calm down.

Zack sat down. I need to focus on my list.

With this awareness, Zack started his list over again.

What is/are the problem(s)?

1. I am far from home and not sure I will ever get back.

2. I am navigating a completely foreign world that has magic and crazy powerful creatures.

3. I have killed people in this world, and I should feel more remorseful about it.

4. The more I engage the world the more vulnerable I feel to all that I don’t know.

5. My rage seems to fuel my magic use and it feels dangerously close to being out of control.

6. I need to deal with my dad’s death.

What do we know about the problem(s)?

1. I am stuck in a magical world.

2. I want to go home.

3. I have magical powers.

4. The magical world is complicated, and people are oppressed.

5. I miss my dad

6. I am afraid.

Hearing his dad voice in his head as he had hundreds of times before while doing this thought exercise Zack wrote down the next part.

Are the problems really a problem? Zack looked back at the list.

He crossed out number three; I have magical powers. It occurred to Zack deep down for the first time. Maybe this isn’t a problem. Having magical powers isn’t bad, just scary. The further he considered it he realized, if anything, it is part of the solution. He reordered the list again.

1. I am stuck in a magical world.

2. I want to go home.

3. The magical world is complicated, and people are oppressed.

4. I miss my dad

5. I am afraid.

Zack quickly realized the list of the problems could be distilled into three parts.

1. I am stuck here and want to go home.

2. This world was magical, dangerous, and complicated.

3. I am afraid and still deeply affected by the loss of my dad.

Zack contemplated the list and took the next step. All three of these problems are ‘now’ problems. Meaning they needed attention immediately.

Zack turned to the final step in his dad’s mental exercise. What can I do to affect a positive change in these problems.

Zack refilled his coffee mug and looked over the lake again. It was beautiful sunny day with a few puffy clouds in the sky. Birds flying overhead and an occasional deer sized animal being pulled into the lake for lunch.

This place is beautiful but fucking strange.

As he calmed down from his emotional reaction and new awareness, he felt a sudden urger to sleep. Despite the coffee he needed to shut down and rest. He decided to sleep on step four. Zack was feeling less anxious and was happy to make progress on his list. He went to bed and fell asleep.