We started a fire in the green cave, courtesy of yours truly.

I thought the moment I’d start a fire, the vines would throb and fuck us full of drugs, and then eat us. Suffice to say, that didn’t happen.

Yet.

“Friendo, I don’t know the places after this. We will have to take it even slower and explore.”

“What about threats?”

“Plenty threats. We should be careful of the Maneaters.”

“Man eater?”

“Yes. The only thing in the forest unaffected by her own pheromones. They have eyes everywhere and can sense you for miles. They are the reasons why we settled underground rather than in the caves,” he said.

“Okay…”

Maybe you should have told me that sooner?

I didn’t know why but I had this nagging feeling, the goblin knew a whole bunch more that he wasn’t telling me. “Anything else I should be worried about?”

“I don’t know Friendo. I never got out much. My friends… my comrades… they all explored, they all worked so hard… but I didn’t.”

Huh… “I see.”

He hummed something as we watched our pawpaw cook in the fire. I preferred eating it raw but considering the state of my stomach, I was hoping whatever toxin was in this thing would just deactivate in the fire.

Once it finished boiling, I took a hot spoonful of stuff, blew on it a couple of times, and downed the stuff. Ah… it tasted so shit.

Shit?

A feeling….

“Fuck…” I said in bliss… “What a damn cruel world.”

“A-are you okay Friendo?”

I was absolutely not okay… why?

I might or might not have… shat my pants a little.

***

An embarrassing night later, we finished up with some morning poison- I mean Pawpaw and went out again with the same tactic. I’m so glad I have backup pants….

There wasn’t much to do besides just avoid the bugs and vines and keep walking.

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So, we kept walking.

And kept getting high. At least I did. It felt so good yet… yet I knew these fake good feelings were just distractions. If I liked this high and got lost in it, all my hopes and dreams would perish. Sure, I’d feel good but… but was my life worth just this?

Gritting my teeth hard, I tried my best to not stop. I couldn’t!

Meanwhile, the goblin had been humming all day, and was starting to sing a bit.

To you I feel the stars

Dancing in the limelight afar.

Throbbing vines bulge in my nether-

For you my lovely star.

Stringy as a feather.

Is that the blindin dar?

Such a booby star.

Such a panty bar.

Might I suck thee from the jar?

First of all, he wasn’t making sense. And second, he fucking sucked. I hadn’t seen a guy as tone deaf as he. Even my sister wasn’t this bad! And she was bad-bad!

Anyway… trying my best not to cringe or laugh, we kept on walking.

Sometimes later, Goribo stopped and told me to duck by some bushes. There was something ahead.

Something… fat? A big glob of flesh; rather smooth. If I had to say, I’d say it was like a bit butt without the crack.

And as if to prove me right… it was. I saw the hole when it moved around.

Yup…

Fuck.

“How’s that even remotely attractive?” I said.

The goblin though, had been drooling again. I rolled my eyes and flicked a bit of the pawpaw in his face.

He came to his senses and gulped. “Friendo, never get too close to those. You will get enchanted. What you saw was nothing.”

“I believe you.”

Yeah, it certainly doesn’t have to do with your tastes or anything, I totally believe you….

Although we kept walking all day, I didn’t really tire much. My gem stone didn’t run out of mana either. In fact, I felt it was still about nearly full. I guess I didn’t need much mana to condense the water and use the wind, huh? I knew my mana capacity was low but fucking hell, it was like nothing compared to this!

Anyway, we kept walking.

But the road never ended. And our pace was that of a snail’s. Heck, even slugs probably walked faster than us at this point.

Every few steps we’d spot one of those freaky things. Sometimes it’d be a butt. Sometimes it’d be the other one. Sometimes just boobs, to which I might or might not have gotten a bit weak a few times….

Near the afternoon we started searching for caves and found one just before the evening. Goribo had warned me before leaving the cave that no matter what we weren’t supposed to wander around in the night. So, I was glad we found at least something beforehand.

However… the cave wasn’t empty.

There was stuff inside.

Namely… one of the boob monsters.

It looked like a giant tit with a giant nipple. I had this distinct urge to give its lusciously soft exterior a slap and suckle. But before I could even attempt to voice any of my thoughts the goblin had took up a spear and impaled the damn thing. I had no idea what it was made off but it whooshed some air and fell flat like a balloon.

“This is just rubber,” I said. There wasn’t even a speck of flesh or fat.

Sigh.

“We could eat this,” The goblin said.

“Eat? This?”

He grinned… and I nearly puked at the thought. And here I was ready to suckle even just like five minutes ago.

I suppose my mind worked in mysterious ways.

***

The next day, something strange happened. I now had an erection that just didn’t calm down. In a moment of weakness, I might have jerked off once (my literal first time in this world; nothing came out) but nope, it did nothing.

Should have figured. Even with the pawpaw it didn’t calm down. I could only think to why.

So, everything in this fucking forest is bad for me…. I shouldn’t have listened to the goblin and ate some of the rubbery soup last night.

And why are you so fucking sensitive? You’re not even supposed to work for like two more fucking years!

Though at this point, I was starting to think this place was advancing my puberty every single moment.

Yeah, I wanted to grow up.

But not like this!