I spent more than one night dabbing at her forehead, trying to help her manage her fever. I helped as I could, getting her a healing paste to spread over her nerves at the spots where her nerves collided – or at least that was what I was told to do. Medicine in this world was far more backward than it had been on Earth, but my knowledge about it ended with ‘keep your hands clean and sometimes eat a pill’.

That paste was made out of our last lilythorn seeds, and it did help to keep her fever down, at least for a little while. But with father dealing with the forge and the coming orders, I had to do more than just taking care of the garden and spend my time in my room reading.

Besides, was I really going to let my father deal with everything? What would Madama Kishirra think about it if she could see?

By the third day, it was clear that Mom’s recovery would take time. I watched her squirm under the blankets, squeezing her eyes even against the warm candlelight. She groaned and shivered as her body tried to fight whatever infection had taken hold of her.

“I’m sorry,” I said holding her hand, rubbing our thumbs together. By now, we had spent so much time in the same room that it was clear her illness was not contagious. “I am trying to do my best. I’d want you to feel better soon.” But those words rang hollow even to my own ears.

I wasn’t really doing my best, was I? Mom was the one who dealt with shipment, groceries, seeds and account management for our workshop. And she was the one who talked to people.

I could not leave all the work to my father.

I bit my lip as I held her sweaty hand. I would have to step out of here, I would have to… look people in the eyes and I would surely make a fool of myself. The thought was enough to make my stomach churn. I could feel the growing knot in my throat as I pictured myself doing what only Mom could.

Your father and I are not going to last forever, she had said.

Who knows what my other parents were thinking about me. Did they forget about their dead daughter?

Some bitter-burning spot in the depths of my stomach told me they did not.

But I shouldn’t focus on this. I just had to help her, doing what I can. Talk to people.

Get out of here.

“I have no idea how I can do that…” I groaned. The face of Madama Kishirra then appeared in front of my mind’s eye, looking at me with her silver eyes. If I shall not do it, then whom?

And she was a woman who fought day and night, who came back injured time and time again. What kind of beasts was she dealing with? On a daily basis, at that. While all I could do was cuddle up in my own room.

What a fucking failure.

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“Maybe I’ll just do what Kishirra does,” I replied to myself and to Mom’s shivering form. I had to do better, even if it meant doing something like that. I had to. For once in my life, I had to show some form of bravery.

I kissed the back of Mom’s hand and I changed the balm on her body with a fresh batch which would help her deal with the fever. Then I stepped out, passed through the garden and found my father at the furnace, as he kept working at the bellows, covered from head to toe in soot.

“Do we… do we still need the new seeds shipment? And everything else?” I asked him. I wrung my hands in my lap, feeling like I was about to jump off a cliff.

Through it all, I kept picturing Madama Kishirra in the garden as she put on her new armour, knowing she’d face the same battles as she did every day. And she would get injured, and she would be in pain. I had to be better.

To do better.

“I… I can deal with that if we need to.”

+++

At least it had stopped raining. I hesitated on the threshold. I had been out of my house before. Of course. It was the easiest thing in the world. I surely did not need anyone to hold my hand or anything – even if the thought of Madama Kishirra reaching out to help me with this was quite nice…

“It’s not going to be that hard,” I tried to tell myself. I had silver in my pouch, and the streets of Bùrian were quite safe and peaceful. Madama Kishirra fought with whatever kind of monsters every day. I could deal with a bit of social anxiety. I was supposed to be better – and even if this new life of mine did not lead me to become a great hero and go on an adventure (who even wanted to go on an adventure?) I could do this. It was easy.

It would be easy.

Manageable?

I would still be alive by the end of the day… maybe.

And I still had to take a step out of the door.

“Come onnn…” I gritted my teeth and pushed myself out of the way. I stepped on the cobbled street and away from the workshop. I felt each step reverberate up my spine as I looked down, trying not to meet anyone’s gaze. I felt like rough cotton nipping into my skin from every side, stinging, uncomfortable. Maybe I should just keep looking down and give everyone else a wide berth.

But wouldn’t that make me even more suspicious? Or it would be better to just pretend like everything was fine and keep waving my hand at people I met, like we were old friends?

This would have been much much easier in my old world. I would just put on a pair of earbuds and forget all about it, pretend like I couldn’t hear, and most of the times nobody would come to disturb you.

No such luck here!

Bùrian was a busy city, anyway. Especially on market day, when people from the countryside came in to sell their produce – it was weird to see all these animals running about: chicken, dogs, calfs and sheep – I surely was not used to seeing so many in my old world. Save for that time on elementary school when we visited a farm, I had never seen a cow until I came into this world.

Now the animals were everywhere, as were people. They chatted, laughed, screamed, pushed against each other, kids ran around… it was like being surrounded by waves I could not really understand, pushing me in a thousand directions at once.

It did not feel nice, but after the first hundred steps, when nobody came out of an alley to stab me to death (a pleasant development!) my stiff shoulders finally began to relax. Maybe this would be safe enough. Maybe I would be able to go back home – no matter how hard my heart thumped or how sweaty my palms were getting.

I slithered through the crowd and entered Bùrian’s main square. The first item on my list were new linen cloths for Mom. We were running out, and I would also need to buy milk, cheese and other perishables… which meant talking with many different people. All in the same day.

I balled my fists, thinking of Kishirra. What would she do in such a situation? She would probably approach the vendor with a serene expression, greet him with kindness and order what she needed, as calm and collected as ever.

Simple enough.

I could do this… I hoped.