On the other side, the three goblin champions descended down into the arena, and a goblin emerged from the crowd to speak out.
“Ivy of Clan Wolfsbane! We the green guard choose for Oathstrike: the goblin joust!”
The crowd cheered, and the champions mounted their small, self-driven vehicles.
“Who are your champions?” the princess asked from the opposite embankment.
“Grug the Reckless!” The crowd cheered as a bulky goblin armored with nothing but a helmet revved his small engine. A maneuverable log lance was attached to the side of his vehicle.
“Skinny Skimmy!”
A small skittish goblin laughed loudly, his jitter accompanied by a distrustful backward stare whenever someone cheered his name. His shaking subsided as he loaded his cart with strange ceramic pots.
“And lastly, Rom the Immortal!”
A strong goblin stepped forward, his brown hair flowing in the wind and his muscles pulsed in time with the crowd's chants. He held an iron sword in his belt. Other than his pants, it was the only piece of clothing he wore.
He strut into the arena confidently, flexing his muscles for all to see. When he stopped, he pointed to the princess and proclaimed, “When I am free. I will take you as bride, princess!”
Ivy recoiled in disgust at the goblin’s showboating.
Recomposing herself, she spoke. “I chose for champions, Figwit the Seer, my star champion!”
Figwit stepped forward to the jeers of the crowd and silently shook his head.
“And pump brothers. Ini Pump and Ono Pump!”
The two brothers stood up, each trying to push the other away from the limelight.
The voice of the green guard echoed as he called for order. “Champions, to your positions!”
The goblin princess gently pushed the gnomes toward the arena. Figwit prepared himself to follow the tumbling gnomes but the princess stopped him.
She held his head near hers and quietly whispered, “Get them, my star champion.” She finished with a kiss on the wizard’s cheek and he shuddered before finally joining the gnomes in the arena.
“Hey! Where's our mount?” Ini inquired. Their question was answered by laughter from the hill before some of the goblins threw down an old selfpropelled kart.
It was a piece of junk, rusted, bruised, and covered in dents. It was small too, barely enough for a goblin let alone a human and two gnomes.
The build was simple, four cracked wooden wheels attached to an axis below a wooden platform.
On the back of the platform, the heart of the cart sputtered as if crying for death. It was a goblin engine, a large rectangular stone box fed by a grate of the famed black rock known as Dragon's Tongue.
In front of the engine was a wooden seat covered with a rotten and nearly torn off leather cover and a miniature ship’s wheel that steered the cart.
“What a piece of junk! How can we fit in this?” Figwit cried as opposite to him the goblin drivers ignited their engines.
Ini and Ono looked at one another. To all in the hills, and, to the goblins’ surprise, a devious smile erupted from the gnomes.
“It's time, Ini ...”
“Yes Ono. Time to show them.”
“Show them what Gnomes can do!”
The brothers grabbed each other’s hands. They began to dance in a circle around the old bucket of rust, raising a great cloud of dust as they yelled rhythmically.
“Hoo, Hoo, Hoo, Hoo.”
“Hoo, Hoo, Hoo, Hoo.”
Their hands went up and down, as the dust cloud grew higher. In the brown mist, Figwit could make out the profile of the gnome brothers removing their hats and taking various tools from them.
They moved with an astonishing speed, so fast that the wizard could not distinguish what was shadow and what was a trick from the flying grains of earth.
The shadows blurred, mixing themselves into impossible shapes. The only things the wizard could discern was the silhouette of a hammer emerging from the blurred cloud and the flying wreckage of unknown parts.
The cloud now towered high above the arena. The metal sung, as did the wood that met against the saw, and from the outside of the cloud of dirt, the crowd and wizard could still hear the growing “Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo! Hoo!”
Then one final pang echoed through the arena and the dust began to settle. The whole stadium, even the racers, waited to see what had been done to the “ol' self sabotage cart,” as it was known.
The wind blew over the cloud of dust and revealed the masterwork of gnome repair.
“You just painted it purple!” the wizard shouted in shock.
“Not just purple, Figwit. We replaced the wheels, added a bigger seat and an appropriate- sized wheel for you to drive.”
“Oh, and also added guard rails on top of the engine for me and Ini. Safety first, always.”
“You did all that—all that dust and hooing—and this is all you come up with? You barely did anything! It’s still the same piece of junk it was before!”
Above them, goblins laughed at the paint job. Even the princess sulked.
“I ... Figwit. We are gnomes. You can't expect us to make miracles. What, you think we can just do a little gnomish ritual dance and magically transform this into a monster cart?” Ini said.
“Yeah, we're not genies. That sort of transformation takes time, tools, and effort. You should feel happy that we are able to change the wheel and seat for your size this quickly. It's not easy you know.”
“Yeah, especially not with the size of his butt.”
The wizard groaned. His eye twitched and he grabbed the gnomes by their throat and placed them on top of the cart.
“Just get this thing running already.”
“I swear, we get no credit.”
“Yeah, no credit at all,” the brothers expelled as they began to feed the engine with the Dragon's Tongue now lodged in nets at their side.
#
The engine revved to life. In front of them, the opposing goblins did the same started their engines. Finally, the call came. With a final countdown, the challenger goblin yelled out, “On your marks! Get Set! Joust!”
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Flames burst from the carts, propelling the goblins towards their challengers.
“Alright, any time now. Whenever you two want!” the wizard said in panic as he saw the fast-approaching goblin riders.
“It's warming up!” Ini let out and shoveled more Dragon’s Tongue into the engine. At his side, his brother blew onto it to fan the flames.
The carts got closer and the goblins each prepared their weapons of choice to strike.
“Ah, comets!” the wizard said as he brought his staff to his chest and anxiously performed his emergency spell. “Virgius, Celius, Orius en normen acta filgeit, Arcam!”
The group vanished, leaving a puff of stardust in their wake, and the goblins suddenly turned their wheels, each driving off into a different corner of the arena. On the opposite side of it, the seer and gnomes emerged and the cart finally came to life.
“Now!” Ono screamed. The wizard pushed the wheel forward and the vehicle rolled across the arena. Behind them, the three goblin challengers began to give chase.
Skinny Skimmy took the lead, his engine bursting and cracking as he fed it ceramic pots. Boom! Bang! Explosions escaped from the engine, each one propelling the kart closer to the wizard and the gnomes.
He grabbed onto his bag of pots and the goblins trailing behind him broke off their chase. Panicked grunts erupting from the oathstrikers as the crowd began to chant “Boom! Boom! Boom!”
“Ini, hat, now!” Ono screamed to Ini, who took off his hat and let his brother throw an assorted toolbox worth of items from it.
Hammers, spanners, nails, metal pipes and all manner of crafting detritus flew through the air as the brothers launched it at their pursuer, but Skinny Skimmy narrowly dodged it all with an expert turn of the wheel.
The goblin reached for his bag and began hurling pots towards his challengers’ cart, narrowly overshooting as he screamed at the top of his lungs, “Ba bom!” To the explosions in the arena.
“Bombs!” Ono yelled out in horror as the cart passed through the explosion clouds, still with the bomber goblin trailing behind.
“You don't say?” the wizard screamed, swerving to avoid the hail of bombs that was heralded by approaching cries of “Ba bom!”
Fifwit felt smoke sting his eyes. He noticed in horror that the bomber was getting more accurate. Despite the gnomes' efforts to feed the engine, Skinny Skimmy was gaining on them.
Ono looked up. Determination filled his entire being and he screamed out to his brother. “Ini, it's sling time!”
He removed his hat, taking out a large elastic and a stretchy piece of rubber fabric. His brother nodded and helped attach it to the cart.
“Guys?! What are you doing back there?” the wizard screamed. He could hear the sound of rubber stretching.
“Bom this!” Ono screamed out as he let go of the sling, launching scrap metal and discarded wood pieces at Skinny Skimmy and his airborne projectiles.
“Keep loading it!” Ono ordered and continued to adjust the rubber band. Each of his shots detonated bombs before they could hit the cart.
“We have run out of slag shot!” Ini yelled out as he frantically scrounged through his hat.
“I think we have bigger problems, Ini,” Ono let out, pointing to the trailing cart. To the brothers’ horror, the goblin took an incredibly large ceramic pot from his bag and held it above his head. It was as big as the cart itself.
The goblin said only the word. “Bombar.”
Dread froze the brothers as they stared at the king pot of gunpowder that was about to be thrown at them. Yet something spoke inside Ono's soul, and without thinking, he pushed himself against the rubber band. He brought his full weight into it, and before his brother could act, he lifted his feet and declared, “Gnome's away!”
Ono flew majestically through the air until colliding with the bombar. It exploded in a thunderous and blinding flash of fire, destroying Skinny Skimmy's cart and launching the goblin and Ono high into the air, outside the arena and out or sight of the Oathstrike.
“Ono! No!” Ini cried out as his brother disappeared high into the misty sky above.
“Got company!” Figwit called out as Grug the Reckless prepared to charge headfirst into their cart. His lance was defiantly raised up, preparing to eject the wizard and gnome from the oathstrike in one fell swoop.
Ini's resolve was tested. His soul was heavy with his brother’s sacrifice. He furrowed his brow, looking defiantly at the approaching goblin. To the wizard’s shock, the gnome dumped the entire remaining stacks of Dragon's Tongue into the engine. It sped up the cart until Figwit lost control and braced himself, anxiously holding on to the steering wheel.
The gnome took off his hat, pulling out an oversized ladder. He fixed himself atop the cart’s engine, held oldingo the ladder like it was a lance, and shouted, “For Ono!”
Cart met against rust bucket, log against ladder, goblin against gnome. Ini and Grug were propelled out of their carts. Both of them landed on the dirt floor, knocked unconscious and eliminated from the oathstrike.
#
Only two challengers remained: Figwit the Seer and Rom the Eternal. The wizard tightened his grip on the steering wheel. The rest of his body was frozen with fear. He cruised along, set adrift in a sea of mud, as the roaring engine consumed the last of his Dragon’s Tongue.
“Wizard! Let us fight like men!” the goblin bellowed. He jumped out of the cart and it crashed into the arena’s brown mud wall.
“Ah! As if!” the wizard taunted and leaned forward on his wheel, preparing to ram the cart into the toned goblin.
“Huh?” Figwit let out. The cart was coming to a slow stop. He realized he had no fuel left and instead of charging against the goblin, the goblin was charging him on foot.
“Come! Fight me!” the goblin brandished his sword, flailing it in the air. The wizard jumped out of the cart and began to run away in the arena.
“No, no, no, no! Get away from me!” The wizard yelled out in panic. The goblin was in pursuit. High up in the hills, the goblins booed the shameful display of cowardice.
From her side, the princess cried out, “Stop running, star champion! Use power of stars!” Her voice echoed through the arena, and Figwit’s wit returned.
“Oh, right! Stars!” he cried out. While at the same time still running, he began to do the symbols of the stars and constellations and his voice echoed in the arena as he called to the divine signs.
“Niblum argen stagia arvia, Arcam!” Suddenly, the wizard disappeared from the arena, leaving in his wake a nebula-like fog of purple and sparkles.
The goblin coughed. The cosmic mist choked his lungs and tightened his breathing. Tears fell from his eyes as his voice became higher as he cried, “C'mon, stop hiding! Fight! C'mon do it, fight me! Fight me now!”
The audience watched in awe as the wizard leaped from the starry mist, draped in constellations, and brought his staff down on the warrior goblin.
“My star champion!” the princess cried, as she watched the dance of the warrior and wizard.
Parry! Push! The goblin used his strength to counter the downwards swing from the wizard. He prepared to lunge, aiming straight for his chest with his sword.
As he did, the wizard jumped back, moved his hand in the floating miniature cosmos around them and shoved a handful of gas giants into the goblin's face.
“Stop throwing balls at me!” The goblin yelled, bearing the full planetary attack. He raised his sword again and cut through the nebula, causing miniature explosions as tiny planets shattered into meteor fields.
The wizard brought his staff upwards, blocking the attack. He tilted his head and sent a shower of comets at the goblin; but the goblin held his head high even as he was repeatedly struck by the cosmic debris.
“Is that all you got?” he said, pushing his sword deeper and deeper against the seer’s staff, bringing him down to his knees.
The mist dissipated, leaving only the empty arena and the two oathstrikers. The goblin began to overpower the wizard, his sword pushing against Figwits staff. The crowd cheered Rom’s strength while the princess held her head, worried over her fate and that of her star champion.
The goblin champion kicked the wizard’s staff away, leaving Figwit wide open on the floor as he coiled with his sword to his side, preparing to cleave the wizard in half.
He screamed, “The Greenguard will be free! Die wizard!” The goblins cheered, and the princess looked away from the brutal display of violence.
Figwit closed his eyes, preparing to accept his fate. In his head he thought, “Stars, welcome my sign.” But something was off.
It was a yell; a scream pierced the air. But odder still was where it came from: the sky.
The goblin coiled himself as he heard the scream. Then, for just a moment, he was compelled to look up. To his and all of the crowd’s shock he witnessed a gnome reaching sub-sonic speed and heading straight for him.
“No!” Rom barely had time to react as the gnome's hat landed on his head. The goblin was engulfed by the magic hat, disappearing into the impossible and magic space of the gnomes storage. Only his sword was left, tossed from a disappearing hand into the crowd.
“Ow!” a voice in the stands cried out as the sword disappeared into the crowd.
The princess opened her eyes just as the unconscious Ono fell on top of his hat, crushing the struggling silhouette of Rom and pushing him over the threshold, into his hat’s space, and flattening the hat back onto its regular size.
Steam rose from Ono as he sat atop the squashed hat, and all stared in fear as Rom's muffled voice diminished until it finally disappeared into the infinite void of the gnome's hat.
“Stand up!” Ivy cried to the wizard, who awkwardly stood up.
He stared to the silent crowd and raised his fists to the sky with a bewildered expression.
“The oathstrike winner ... is Princess Ivy Wolfsbane,” the goblin announcer proclaimed as the entire goblin mass uttered collective sighs and annoyed grunts, dejected boos echoing as the princess leaped down to the arena to grab her champions.
She gathered the two unconscious gnomes and rushed to her star champion. Even while he still awkwardly held his arms in the air, she jumped to kiss him on the cheek. She hugged him, saying, “You really, really are my star champion! I knew you could do it!”
The wizard's dazed reaction remained even as he stood as the winner. He muttered a quiet, “Huh ... yeah, yeah ...”
The goblin princess lifted the unconscious gnomes, parading them and jumping with them in the air, as the mass of the green guard began to gather their belongings and prepare for the arduous task of building a new kingdom.