Chapter 1 - Blunders Such As These Go Unpunished

A random officials story (his name is Austin)

“Well, ****. These birds are going to slaughter me. Agh! Wait, you're afraid of birds. You’re afraid of birds. Aren’t you supposed to be the one saving me? I’m only 12 years old I…”

And here lies the start of the incident report form alongside the audio recording provided by Ranger Jack which provides the most accurate retelling of events by the victim, Nolan Jerma, and the rescuer, Ranger Jack. The following is an audio-to-word transcription provided by the victim.

Note (Provided by interrogator Austin): At first, I couldn’t believe I was called over for such a simple incident. A simple incident between a small child and a bunch of Pigey’s. Of course, I had to immediately reevaluate once I approached the scene. After all, a simple event like this becomes a slugfest with the inclusion of Jack. So please take any of Ranger Jack’s words with a grain of salt.

Interrogator Austin: Times New Roman

Nolan: Comic Sans MS

Ranger Jack(Self-imposed protag): Impact

“So there I was, minding my own business when a swarm of Pidgey came out of nowhere. My grandma and I are just simple farmers-”

Note: Ranger Jack interrupts the debriefing, “Hah, minding your own business my ass. You-”

“Ranger Jack, please be silent. Wait until I’ve fully heard his side of the story.”

Preemptively, I sigh. The sun was shining outside, decent weather outside. A little wind but I could compare the wind to a breeze if need be. A perfect day for a picnic with my two boys and wife. A beautiful weekend ruined by the squabble between two but notably more annoying children. If only it wasn’t so I had to think to myself.

“So, as I was saying, My grandma and I are simple farmers who-”

Note: Ranger Jack once again interrupts the debriefing, “Farmers sure. I can believe that. But with the way you were cussing at me, I would say your father’s a sailor. Especially the kind of sort that woe women in foreign lands.”

“Ranger Jack…” I nod at another official watching over the proceeding. I guess calling a proceeding would be much too formal considering that I’m doing this at the time of the event. In a farm field. As close between the barriers of what is considered civilized and what is considered wilderness. Either way, getting back to the point, the official seems to get the hint and he drags Jack far away. Preferably out of audible distance.

“Back to business, sorry if one of our newbie rangers caused you some problems. He’s a pretty recent addition to the ranger corps so I would like to preemptively apologize if he caused you any problems.”

“You don’t need to apologize for his mistakes. I can tell you are much more different from… him.” the kid replies.

I notice the child sighing at this. He seems to be clearly stressed from the event.

“Don’t worry you can relax now. Be assured that you are safe. I promise to wrap things up quickly.”

“It’s not safety I’m worried about, it's the Ranger. I feel like I would done much better by myself in comparison to the assistance that I received. I mean do you know anyone whose natural response after being attacked by a Pokémon is to punt-kick it.”

“Ah, well… Ranger Jack just has a few peculiarities surrounding his personality.”

“Like being terrified of birds, screaming out in pain after his partner Pokemon got clawed by birds, cussing at me and the birds, and-”

“While he is a little strange, I promise he’s one of our most talented newbie rangers yet. He has a strong bond with his Pokemon, so strong in fact that he feels pain when his pokemon do.” I can’t help but sigh again. I seriously hope I’m getting paid overtime for this. I already had to deal with complaints regarding the lack of supplies, mainly coffee due to one man hogging it all to himself.

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“If he’s one the most promising uprising talents in the field, then I don’t know how I feel about my future.” The kid rolled his eyes. Yeah, don’t worry kid. I feel the same way about my wife sometimes. Wait. I mean Jack.

Either way, I just stare back at him like the unresponsive cold Magikarp I am. [PS. I am not an actual Magikarp, its an expression] Reminds me. I could really use a cup of Joe right now. The boy suddenly interrupts my thoughts.

“I guess I should finish my story. I was in a field running away from the flock of Pigey when I saw a Ranger camping over a fire. I ran towards him when he seemed to be drinking coffee. At twelve in the afternoon, I could gather that he had just recently woke up. [Ranger Jack disclaims this statement, “I wake up at the crack of dawn, the early bird eats the worm, and so on. It's not my fault time passes me by so fast. Such are the woes of a middle-aged man.”] I ran over to him to get help when I caught him muttering to himself about dealing with his curse. I called for help which apparently led to him tripping, spilling his coffee all over himself, and falling onto the fire.”

“Wait, are you being serious? All of this happened to him.” I can’t help but smirk to myself. This is something to laud over Jack for the rest of his days. My coworkers love me.

”What do you want me to stop.” The boy seemed a bit confused at my response so I decided to provide an incentive to continue.

“No-no-no. Please continue. I just thought that I could have an exciting story to talk about to my co-workers. I wouldn’t even mind if you provided a bit of dramatic flair to your story if you wouldn’t mind.”

The boy seems to smile at this thought. His smile was so infectious that I couldn’t help but smile myself. Damn, so much so that I couldn’t help but think that we are one and the same. At least in this moment.

“His first response was ********************* [The following words have been excluded from the report.] He then cussed at me for causing problems during his break while he was rolling on the ground to put out the fire. He then pulled out his capture stylus which I think that he was using to roast marshmallows over the fire he had set up. He then moved around his capture tool only to realize that it was completely useless. He then proceeded to call for his partner Pokemon only to find that it was still asleep in his tent. He chucked his Pokemon (which was still asleep) at the Pigeys only to cuss once again after the Pigey clawed at his partner Pokemon. In response to this, he ran up to the Pigey and punted the Pigey into the sky… Sir, are you okay? You don’t look like you are doing very well.”

My face was clenching up. I couldn’t help myself, I needed to keep a straight face. My dignity and the Ranger Corps's dignity relied on it. With the fate of the entire world on my shoulders. I found the strength to compose myself. I could could speak full sentences now, “Plea-se conti-nue.”

“After that, a wild Pidgeotto came out and attacked us. I’m guessing it was in response to Ranger Jack's actions. He then started to cuss once again, grabbed his Partner Pokemon in one arm, and yelled “Every man for themselves.” He then started to sprint away. I ended up having to chase him in which case, I was very angry and said some nasty things my ma told me never to say. The ranger then told me that in the event of an emergency, everyone should split up so that only one person out of a group perishes to a wild animal. I then ran after him after finding him hiding in some bushes. He quickly dragged me into the bushes and told me to keep silent otherwise I would act as exemplary bait. We ended up waiting a bit until he sneezed and then we proceeded to run to a bunch of powerlines. He then called for the Pidgeotto to fight him mano y mano. Whatever that means. The Pidgeotto stuck at him after missing and hitting the powerlines causing the Pidgeotto to faint.”

“I guess this then led to the current situation where the authorities needed to be called because the power went out and a wild Pidgeotto entered the town.”

Hearing the full fact of the case, brought me to a new sense of calm. Some clear words needed to be had. With a certain person. At least the situation wasn’t as bad as it could have been. *No one was hurt. [Except for Ranger Jack] No one important was hurt. Property damage was limited to its absolute, maximum, full-on potential. Besides the amount of tax dollars that need to go towards reimbursement for the family of Nolan. And the facilities, homes, and businesses in this area. And… I think I might start losing my mind. These costs just seem to rack up. Luckily enough, I can just take it out of Ranger Jack's salary if need be. Or I could pressure him to take more hours at work. Oh, the possibilities. After all, he is a relatively new ranger.

Either way, the case is closed.