“Why hello there! I’m Kanashi Sarumalder and this is a non canon side story! Oh yeah, we’re breaking the fourth wall baby. All limits are off for this chapter!
Well since we probably won’t be able to celebrate Christmas in cannon I thought we should do it here! Of course a normal chapter will also be released so think of this as a bonus. We’re here inside my apartment getting ready to do a white elephant gift exchange.
Here today with me we have a wacky assortment of characters! First off is Jinen Lutece, the G*jo Sat*ru rip off!”
“Wow now Kanashi! You might just get us in trouble throwing names around like that!” Jin argued, throwing his hands in the air.
“Don't worry Jin, we’re uploading this online for free. We’re never gonna get published anyways.”
“You mean my gorgeous face won’t get put on the big screen?”
“Well, looking at our statistics… if we were being published in Shonen Jump we’d be getting axed.” Kanashi sighed, rubbing his forehead.
“I think the issue is that I need more screen time!”
“You’re gonna get plenty of screen time later! Right now it’s my turn to do stuff! Anyways coming in second place we have the K*llua reskin Hayai Ignis!”
“Hey, how come only we're getting compared to our inspiration? Why aren’t you getting called by yours!?” Growled Hayai throwing his hands in the air.
“Because I’m mostly original! I alone stand amongst the sea of inferior copies and- Ow okay stop hitting me Satoshi you’re next!” Kanashi cried, covering his head with his arms.
“Let’s get on with this. I wanna eat.” Grumbled Satoshi, tapping his foot impatiently on the ground.
“Alright next up we have. Oh well I can’t properly introduce you yet can I? Well, who we have right here is Kageki Satoshi!” Kanashi said letting off a glitter bomb.
“Hey how come he doesn't get called a [] clone!?” Hayai asked with a frown.
“Because we’re not that far in the story yet Hayai! Stop spoiling stuff for those new readers!” Jin yelled, smacking Hayai on the back of the head.
“Wow, who knew writing multiple characters talking at the same time was so difficult? Okay well next up is Julius Phoenicia! Much like myself he’s an original character!” Said Kanashi.
“...”
“Come on say something Julius! You’re our Fujo bait character so you better practice!” Kanashi yelled, getting in Julius' face and pointing to his cheek. “Give me a nice big one right here- Ow! Okay I’ll stop for real this time!” Kanashi yelped after getting punched repeatedly by Julius. “Okay well next we have Rebecca and Jason! These are new characters like Satoshi who will also have important roles in the future.”
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“Uhh Kanashi, who are you talking to?” Rebecca whispered into Kanashi's ear with a grimace.
“Don't worry about it Rebecca! Alright Jason, now yousay something!” Kanashi said pointing at Jason who looked back at Kanashi with a blank expression.
“Alright, looks like we’re not getting anywhere here. Moving on to our final two guests we’ve got El-Saber dressed as Saint D. Claus and Pompeii!”
“Do I say something now?” El-Saber asked with a raised eyebrow.
“Nope! You’ve hit your one line requirement! Now you’re a silent background character until you open your present.” Kanahis giggled, turning to Pompeii.
“Now it’s my turn?” Pompeii asked, pointing at himself to which Kanashi nodded. “Well who am Isn't important, what I think you should do this holiday is donate some money to an animal welfare foundation in need and-”
“Okay thank you Pompeii!” Kanashi laughed while picking Pompeii up and throwing him out of the apartment window. “Phew, we don't need any kind of politics involved in this story YET… we’re not that desperate for views.”
“Can we open gifts now?” Hayai yawned.
“Oh yeah! Okay well let’s all gather under the christmas tree and- HUH!? Our gifts were stolen?” Kanashi gasped covering his mouth with his hand.
“...”
“...”
“...”
“I SAID, OUR GIFTS WERE STOLEN!?”
“...”
“...”
“...”
“AHEM, MR. KRAMPUS PLEASE MAKE YOUR APPEARANCE NOW!” Kanashi called out stomping on the floor.
“Oh is that me? My apologies.” Randolph Sisphyus Freyr said as he emerged from Kanashis bedroom with his servants Dharam and Titan in tow. The latter of whom had to duck to fit inside the apartment.
“What the hell man you we’re supposed to come out the first time now our joke is ruined?” Kanashi asked with an exaggerated frown.
“Is any of this funny in the first place?” Satoshi asked with a sigh.
“Listen, I don't need lip about whether this is funny or not! We’re already committed to it now and writing the Edoland arc is hard!” Kanashi argued, crossing his arms.
“Isn’t that the author's fault for making this over complex? It’s a simple story.” Jason asked, raising his hand.
“Okay let’s not name names here but someone just had to throw a wrench in the story and make it a lot more complicated than it needed to be!” Kanashi sighed with a shrug.
“Well let’s just get the gift exchanged then?” Rebeeca asked with an awkward smile.
“Oh yes, fair point! Alright Krampus if you will distribute one gift to everyone and then we’ll open it at the same time!” Kanashi ordered taking his seat under the Christmas tree.
“Understood.” Randolph smiled, passing out a gift to everyone and then himself.
Everyone gathered in a circle and when giving the signal of “Go!” They all opened their presents.
Kanashi: A dog leash
Jin: Muscle Masters Volume 2 VHS edition
Hayai: A hand full of loose change
Satoshi: A box of cherry flavored condoms
Julius: Two tickets to Edoland con 2499
Rebecca: A goldfish in a bag
Jason: Pack of cigarettes
El-Saber: Onigiri Mold
Pompeii: Deck of Cards
Randolph: Keychain in the shape of an apple
Titan: Blow up doll
Dharma: Collection of poems
Kanashi looked over the collection of gifts with a frown, “All Right looks like the only one who got something good here is Jason, do we wanna do a [steal] or not?”
“...”
“Yeah there’s not anything worth stealing anyways, Okay dinner time for us! And for you readers, see you next time back on the Cymba!”