I awaken to a pervasive hunger that dominates anything else I can sense. It is hard enough to practice meditation techniques as a full grown adult, let alone an infant whose body is always desire more food! I let out a cry to try and draw my mother to me so that she can feed me. While crying I began too mentally prepare to keep my focus while also attempting to empty my mind. With a soft crack Janis appeared next to my crib. "Heir is awake and crying. Janis will fetch the mistress. Worry not little heir." And with another soft crack he vanished. I stopped my cries as my goal had been accomplished and began to focus myself until my mother appears. Once again I closed my eyes and focused on my breathing. Trying to keep all of my awareness focused on my breathing. Excluding all else. When I began to feel calm and random thoughts were not crowding my mind I tried to will myself to slowly broaden my awareness. Try to feel my mind itself, even in my own head that comment seemed ludicrous. However, as I did so strangely I was able to feel my thoughts, my very mind. Then the door opened, "Strange… Janis I thought you said he was crying?"

"He was Mistress!" With a nod to Janis she approaches me and says, "He is calm now, let's see if he will eat it is time for him to eat anyway." She walks over to me and offers what I choose to view as a bottle to maintain my sanity and dignity. The body of an infant is not know for doing well without food and my pride is not worth limiting or risking this second life. After finishing my mother again sets me down. "Janis please finish getting the plates ready for the dinner. They will be here soon." I quickly move my focus back onto my meditation but find getting that sensation of awareness that I had before difficult. Eventually my focus switches to sleep without me noticing.

An unknown number of days pass broken only by random introductions to people that I have little context for. Apparently being the heir does not protect ones cheeks at this young of an age. It was during these indignities that I was brought into the formal dining hall of the house and realized that the family and vassals is a larger group than I would have thought from the way that the books portrayed the size of wizarding families. Just from the sheer number of places set and multiple tables it is clear that the Wizarding World described in the books was not nearly so expansive. I do not look forward to trying to learn all of those names. I was not a social creature in my last life, I did very well one on one with people, but put me in a crowd or group and I quickly lost all patience's and energy. Luckily no one expects an infant to provide meaningful social interaction and I could focus on meditation. Despite many days passing I only stumbled upon the sensation of awareness of my mind a handful of times. On each of those occasions I was only able to focus on the sensation for a few moments before losing focus and was usually so drained at that point that I quickly fell asleep.

In my past life motivation was an issue for me. Most would assume that an individual who had the discipline to get into, and through, medical school would have great will power and motivation in spades. However, in my case those are situation dependent. With things that affect my life and my future directly and very clearly I could find that power. With all else it was fleeting. There were few hobbies that I pursued with any dedication because invariably if you wish to pursue something far enough there will be difficulties. Many times I would get bored and distracted when those difficulties did not match the fun I could derive from the hobby. Luckily, seeking the ability to grasp magic and rise up like a hero from story and legend was able to produce the same kind of motivation despite the limited success and poor progress… The fact that I was an infant and unable to do anything else with my time did certainly help. Due to this I have been able to pursue control over my mind during almost every waking moment. Today was no exception. I awoke from my sleep in my mother's arm, she had a book on her lap that I could tell she was looking down to read, and every once and awhile I would hear her turn the page. I closed my eyes, focused my mind and will on my breathes. In and out, in and out, in and out. Slowly I relaxed my focus, and using my experience from my limited previous successes kept my will flexed. Slowly I gained awareness over my mind. I kept my mind clear as best I could and just focused on my awareness of my own mind. In doing so I began to become aware of what I had been thinking of my Will. Something that I had not really questioned until that moment. Similar in a way to how during an average day you don't really think about breathing. I realized that when I had been focusing my mind I had been also flexing another mental muscle. If not for the fact that the sensation was unlike anything I had ever felt in my past life I am not sure that I would have noticed it on my own. Now that I have noticed it though I want to control it. I tried to relax the grip I had on it, as soon as I did I lost the special awareness of my own mind that I had gained. I also lost my awareness of my will that I had previously. Vexingly it was similar to when my sister would wiggle her eye brows. Despite now knowing that there was a muscle that I should be able to move and having even accidentally moved it I could not coordinate myself in such a way to voluntarily move it again.

A case of theft: this story is not rightfully on Amazon; if you spot it, report the violation.

I tried to enter that state of awareness again. Given the feeling of awareness over my own mind and thoughts that were occurring during it I am hopeful that this is what "Clear your mind," that a certain greasy haired bat yelled, was going for. With my awareness of the importance of that strange mental muscle it was much easier notice when my meditation was gong in the right direction than before. When I get the feeling again it felt like a deliberate change rather than luckily stumbling into like I had before. Once "Occluding" again I tried to explore my newfound awareness of my mind. I could feel an emptiness all around me, slowly I tried to let my mind wander while keeping my will firm that I remain in this state. It was kind of hard, like lifting a couch using a muscle in your back that doesn't get a lot of exercise. It quickly went from difficult too painful. I tried to keep my will firm and felt the emptiness fill slowly with thoughts and memories. I could almost see them as silvery strings flowing through my mindscape. However, the pain in my will got worse and just like someone trying to hold something too heavy for too long I could feel my "grip" slipping. Suddenly I lost my special awareness of my mind, and a piercing migraine ripped through my head. Involuntarily I began crying, my mother stopped her reading and began feeding me. After sometime the pain subsided and I drifted off to sleep.