“Touch me and you die,” I said, leaping to my feet, and getting into a defensive stance.

  “Feisty,” he said, his smile deepening. “I like it. It would be more convincing if you weren’t chained up and helpless though.”

  “I mean it,” I warned.

  “I’m sure you do,” he said, his smile sliding from his face. “However, you seem to be operating under the assumption that I’m not here to kill you.”

  “You’re not,” I said, more confident than I felt.

  He did not answer, instead walking closer to me. He stopped a few feet from me, stared down at me, his face a mask of dangerous indifference. I stared back at him as he slowly raised his hand to my face. I swatted it away once, but when I tried to do it a second time, I found that my body had been encased in a thick shell of mana and I couldn’t move. His fingers advanced as I watched helplessly, and when they reached my cheek, for a moment, we just glared at each other, unmoving. Then he suddenly broke out into a wide smile.

  “Well, would you look at that!” he exclaimed. “I’m not dead!”

  “Get your hand off me,” I said.

  “But your skin is so soft,” he said, gently caressing my face. “And cold.”

  I used as much aura as I could to break my head free of his spell and bit at him, hoping that I might be able to get a drop of blood, but his arm withdrew from my reach like a snake.

  “I’m not against the occasional nibble, but save it for the bedroom, darling,” he said.

  “What do you want?” I asked, glaring at him. “Why are you here?”

  “Wait, hold that expression.”

  A moment later, I was in the grasp of his [Telekinesis], and was raised two feet off the ground so that my eyes were above his.

  “What are you doing?”

  “Yeah, that’s perfect,” he said. “Looking down suits you.”

  “What the hell is that supposed to mean?”

  “It’s your ‘angle.’ Everyone has an angle they look best from. Yours is from below. As it should be. Pride should be looking down.”

  “If you’re here for a reason, spit it out already. Or are you just here to mess with me?”

  “You got it,” he said. “I’m just here to say ‘hi’ and scope you out. I meant to do this a while ago while you were training with Mom, but I kept putting it off. Oh, and don’t worry; I may be Lust incarnate, but I can control my urges. It’s not time for you yet. Though I wouldn’t be opposed if you were interested…”

  “Fuck off,” I said.

  “Oh well,” he said, shrugging. “Oh yeah, there was one other thing. I have a deal to offer you.”

  “No,” I said immediately. Any deal involving Lust would only have one method of payment. “I reject your deal.”

  “I haven’t even told you what it is yet.”

  “You’re offering to free me in exchange for sex, right?”

  “Well, yeah, but-”

  “No.”

  “What if I also admit defeat to you?” he asked. “One less Demon King to worry about, right?”

  “No.”

  “...I’ll give you some time to think about it.”

  “My answer will still be ‘no’ no matter how much time you give me.”

  “But you may change your mind, so I’ll leave the deal open,” he said.

  “Close it.”

  “Ooh is that Ekaterina?” he said, looked down at the book I had been reaching for before he arrived. “My grandfather gave this to you didn’t he?”

  “Now that you’ve said hello and offered your deal, you’re done here, right? So leave.”

  “Ekaterina is one of my favorites,” he said. “I only found out later that my grandfather wrote it about my grandmother.”

  “You bastard!”

  “What?” he asked.

  “Just leave already.”

  “Oh!” he said, perking up. “What if I killed Wrath for you? Then would you do it?”

  “If you want me that badly why don’t you take me now, while I’m chained and helpless?” I said, regretting it immediately.

  “Is that an invitation?” he asked with a hopeful expression.

  “No, it’s a question.”

  “I prefer a willing partner to an unwilling one. If you were a bit better though…” He licked his lips. “I might not be able to hold back.”

  “Better how?” I asked. “You mean stronger?”

  “No, I mean better,” he said, a manic look coming over his eyes. “I mean more yourself. A person is most attractive when their inner and outer selves are identical. You are Pride, but you’ve been hiding in the shadows, keeping your true nature in check. But I can see it in your eyes. You think you’re better than everyone else. No, you know you’re better than everyone else. It’s beyond a shadow of a doubt. But you’re still hiding. Even now that you’ve been captured, you still deny it.

  “If you stopped doing that- If you embraced it-! Well, then our positions would be very different right now.”

  “You’re insane,” I said.

  “Maybe,” he said. “Or maybe you’re the crazy one. We’ve been given an incredible opportunity! Of all the people in the world, only we can be rewarded for fully giving in to our desires! Only we can achieve our true potential! And you’re denying it!

  “Look at Wrath! He’s completely surrendered himself to his desires! I went to speak with him, and he destroyed part of his own castle trying to kill me, with no regard for any subordinates that may have been nearby! His eyes were so full of rage he could barely see what was in front of him! It was beautiful! He’s going to try to invade tomorrow morning.” He held up his arm toward me. “I’m getting goosebumps just thinking about it.”

  “I take it back,” I said. “You’re not insane. Calling you insane would be an insult to the mentally ill. I don’t think that there is a word for whatever you are.”

  “Thank you. I don’t think I’ve ever been called indescribable before,” he said.

  “If you like Wrath that much, why don’t you go bother him instead of me?”

  “He’s asleep right now,” he said, shaking his head. “I can’t go wake him up. He’s got a big day ahead of him tomorrow, and I want him to be well rested.”

  “Then shouldn’t you be sleeping too?”

  “I’m so excited I can’t sleep right now,” he said proudly. “That’s why I’m here!”

  “Goddammit, just leave already!”

  “I will eventually. As soon as I-”

  The rest of his sentence was cut off by the sound of the door to my cell being unlocked. Lust was gone before I could blink, and I fell to the floor as the door slowly swung inward and one of my guards poked his head in.

  “Oh, you finally decided to show up,” I said. “Go tell whoever’s in charge that they need to double check the anti-teleportation wards. Lust was here just now.”

  “Was he now?” asked the guard, stepping inside.

  “What are you-?” I stopped speaking when I smelled the blood. “Envy.”

  “You’re always so quick to figure me out,” said the guard with a wicked smile.

  “I assume you’re here to kill me, then? Tell Ophelia that my last words are ‘Ophelia’s a bitch.’”

  “No, I’m here to offer you a deal,” said Envy.

  “Why the fuck is everyone trying to offer me deals?”

  “Probably because you’re a ‘valuable resource’ or whatever she said. Whatever the case, I can free you, on the condition that-”

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  “Not a chance,” I said. “I’m not signing any slave contracts or whatever you’re stuck with.”

  “Don’t be so hasty,” said Envy, waggling a finger. “I didn’t say anything about a slave contract. It wouldn’t work on you anyways, with your divine skill.”

  “How do you know that? I thought you said you couldn’t copy divine skills?”

  “It was pretty obvious,” said Envy smugly. “My memory reading doesn’t work on you, and sunlight has no effect on your stats. It’s not hard to guess what your skill does.”

  “Fine,” I conceded. “What’s the condition then?”

  “You owe Ophelia a favor.”

  “What kind of favor?”

  Envy shrugged. “I dunno. A big one, I’d guess, since I’d be saving your life.”

  “You wouldn’t be saving my life,” I said. “I’m not going to be executed. At best you’ll be preventing my boredom.”

  “I’m not so sure about that,” said Envy with a sneer. “That bitch’s bitch of a sister, Humility, has been doing her best to spread all sorts of nasty rumors about you. That you’re a man-eating monster who sucks people dry for fun. That you’ve been attacking people and enslaving them against their will in your quest for world domination. That you joined the church’s Demon King extermination squad in order to get closer to the heroes and assassinate them. That you were responsible for Chastity’s death.”

  “That bitch!” I exclaimed.

  “Yeah, that whole family’s rotten,” said Envy, nodding. “And it doesn’t help that that Orderbound Blade guy– Alexei, I think– is corroborating her stories. There’s a mob around the church every day calling for your head.”

  “They still can’t execute me. I haven’t done anything wrong.”

  “I’m sure that Humility can twist that around a bit. She’s also been very vocal about her desire for a public trial, and has been insinuating that the church is trying to protect you by insisting on a private one. She hasn’t said it directly, but a lot of the people who listen to her are starting to think that you’ve somehow managed to gain control of the church.”

  “That’s ridiculous!”

  “Yeah, well, people are stupid,” said Envy, shrugging again.

  “Why should I believe you?”

  “Why would I lie?”

“To try to get me to trust you and convince me to accept your deal?” I suggested.

  “Oh yeah…” said Envy thoughtfully. “That would have been a good idea. But nah, I’m just supposed to offer you the deal. She didn’t tell me to say anything else. To be honest, I don’t think you should take it. I’d rather not see her get any more powerful than she already is.”

  “How did you even get tricked into the contract in the first place?” I asked. “And when did it happen? Midhna didn’t seem to be aware that you were working for her.”

  “Oh, that’s because he wasn’t,” said Envy. “He was just a lovestruck idiot. He thought that psychopath actually loved him, and believed every word that she said, no matter how ridiculous. He didn’t even realize who I was when we came to rescue her. He thought I was the actual Chronomancer.” He snorted with laughter.

  “The thousand year old dragon was blinded by his love for a 16 year old?”

  “Yeah, it’s because he-” Envy suddenly winced. “I’m not allowed to say anymore. Just know that he was an idiot.”

  “Wait, if he thought that you were the actual Chronomancer, then does that mean that the real Chronomancer is also working for her?”

  “Probably. I dunno. She doesn’t tell me anything. And even if I did know, my contract wouldn’t let me tell you.”

  “Speaking of the contract, you never answered. How did she trick you?”

  “It was while I was the princess,” he said, scowling. “The princess was one of her close friends, so I was playing the part, hanging out with her, enjoying the luxury, y’know? And then one day, she handed me what she said was a response to a tea party invitation and told me to sign my name to tell the host we were coming. I didn’t read it, and just signed it, and it turns out, it was a contract.”

  “You just signed a paper without reading it first?” I asked.

  “Hey, don’t go acting all high ‘n’ mighty on me,” said Envy, pointing his finger. “How was I supposed to know that she could-” he winced again. “How was I supposed to know she knew who I was?”

  “Well, you were a Demon King hiding out in the middle of the single most dangerous city for a Demon King. You should have been more cautious.”

  “I was being cautious,” he said indignantly. “That’s why I signed without reading. I was playing my part. It just turned out she was better at acting than me.”

  “It was still dumb to sign something without reading it,” I said.

  “Yeah, maybe. But you would have done the same thing if you were in my position.”

  “I wouldn’t have been in your position in the first place,” I said. “I have no need or desire to impersonate others.”

  “Well that’s easy for you to say, Miss Perfect,” said Envy. “You’ve already got everything. It’s different for me.”

  “It’s not,” I said. “If you’re not happy with yourself as you are, then you won’t be happy as anyone else either.”

  “Bull-shit!” said Envy angrily. “I’m never happier than when I’m someone else.”

  “You must have lived a sad life,” I said.

  “Yeah! I did! Why else would I be replacing people?”

  “You should have looked for happiness and fulfillment in your own life,” I argued. “You’re just taking from others. You’ll never be satisfied like that.”

  “Happiness and fulfillment in my own life?! Happiness and fulfillment in my own life?! Do you want to see what ‘my own life’ looked like before I got this power?”

  He sat down on the floor, and a split second later, he was gone, and replaced by a gangly, vaguely humanoid shape. Its limbs were stick-thin and pointing in odd directions. Its torso was oblong and amorphous, and utterly devoid of any defining characteristics. It’s head was nearly as large as its body and was stuck at a 45 degree angle, staring up at me.

  “This is what I was like before!” said Envy with a somewhat feminine voice. “How am I supposed to find ‘happiness and fulfillment’ like this? My parents abandoned me in the streets when I was two! I survived on the pity and goodwill of others. I could barely eat on my own, let alone move around! Do you know what it's like to be completely at the mercy of others?”

  I looked down at my chains. “I think I’ve got a pretty good idea, yeah.”

  “Fuck you! You know nothing!” said Envy, turning into a copy of me. “Oh look at me, I’m Lucille. I don’t have much. Just a beautiful face and body, incredible talent, the strongest archmage in the world as my teacher, the most knowledgeable historian in the world as my friend, and enough self confidence that the god of Pride himself bestowed me with even more power! You should be happy as you are, even if you’re a helpless cripple. Even if you’re so pitiful that other beggars give you money. Even if you’re so hideous that noble ladies faint when they see you and children cry when you make eye contact with them.

  “The day I got these powers was the best day of my life! Suddenly, I went from being an inhuman monster too weak to even off myself to being able to be whoever I want. I can be a vampire archmage!” She transformed into Ophelia. “I can be the most beautiful woman in the world!” She changed into the Chronomancer. “I can fucking control time! And you’re saying that I would be better off the way I was?”

  “Yes,” I said. “Did you even try to be happy before?”

  “I never got the chance!” she screamed with the Chronomancer’s mouth. “From the moment I was born, I was cursed! Deformed! Crippled! No talent! No family! And I was supposed to be happy?!”

  “It would be difficult, but as you are now, you’ll never achieve happiness. You’re more pitiful now than you ever were before.”

  For a moment, Envy just stared at me incredulously. Then she started laughing maniacally.

  “Oh, I see,” she said once she finally stopped. “You were just joking this whole time. Silly me. I thought you were being serious. I should have known, because no one could ever be that fucking stupid.”

  “I am serious,” I said. “Your circumstances certainly are tragic, but that doesn’t excuse anything you’ve done, and it doesn’t change the fact that you’ll never achieve true happiness trying to be someone you’re not.”

  “What the fuck is ‘true happiness’?” she asked. “Is that the feeling of being able to walk for the first time in your life? Having people give you a second look because they actually like what they see? Being able to fly? Because I felt pretty happy then. But I guess that’s not ‘true happiness’ because apparently I’m not capable of experiencing it.”

  “Those are all temporary joys,” I said. “I bet none of those felt as good the second or third time. True happiness is when you’re content with yourself, and even if nothing good is happening to you at a given moment, you still feel good.”

  “Oh, I gave up on that a long time ago,” she said. “And I’ve been a hell of a lot happier as other people than I ever was as myself. So what if it’s temporary? When it wears off, I’ll just go find a new way to be happy. Why should I care if it’s not ‘true happiness’? That’s just bullshit made up by people like you to make yourselves feel good about your own superiority.”

  “It’s not though,” I said. “True happiness-”

  “Shut the fuck up! Shut up! I don’t want to hear anymore. ‘True happiness’ this and ‘True happiness’ that- Shut up! I’m fucking done! You’re lucky Ophelia told me not to harm you or you’d be dead already. You’re more of a bitch than she is. I’m gonna go tell her you said ‘no’ and ask if I can come back to kill you. You’d better hope you don’t see me again!”

  Without waiting for a response, she stomped back toward the door, opened it, and disappeared in a puff of time mana. For a few minutes, I just waited, half expecting Wrath or Sloth to appear and offer me another deal, but when no one did, I grabbed Ekaterina and started reading. I was more than halfway through with it when my door burst open again, and half a dozen paladins came in and fanned out around me.

  “What did you do?” demanded Alexei, who was in the middle of the formation.

  “Nothing,” I said. “I was just sitting here, and then Lust and Envy decided that they wanted to visit.”

  “You expect me to believe that?”

  “Yes. What else could have happened? I undid my restraints, opened the door, killed one guard, made the other disappear, and then chained myself back up?”

  “Cease your insolence!” he shouted. “Tell me what happened here!”

  “I just did. Envy disguised herself as one of the guards and snuck in to offer me a deal, then scampered off when I said ‘no’.”

  “Search her! And gather all of these.” He kicked over the stack of books Anatoly had given me. “They’re suspicious. They need to be investigated more carefully.”

  “What they fuck are you doing?” I demanded as two of the paladins started roughly patting me down. “I’m literally wearing rags! What could I be hiding? And those books are a gift from your great grandfather! Are you saying that he snuck something in?”

  “Maybe he’s under your control too!” he said.

  “How the hell-?”

  “There’s nothing, sir,” said one of the paladins who was searching me.

  “Search everywhere,” said Alexei. “She could be hiding things in her body.”

  “Fucking pervert!” I shouted as the paladins reached for me.

  “Alexei!” came a commanding voice from outside the cell. The paladins next to me froze as Otto walked into the room.

  “What’s going on here?” he asked, glaring at the half-elf.

  “The prisoner killed one of her guards, sir!” said Alexei.

  “That’s a lie!” I said. “It was Envy!”

  “How?” asked Otto. “She is chained up.”

  “That’s what I’m trying to figure out!” replied Alexei.

  “Are you trying to get kicked out of the Order?” asked Otto angrily. “Do you want to end up the same as your sister?”

  “Don’t bring my sister into this!” said Alexei. “One of my men was found dead outside the Demon King’s cell, and another went missing! I’m investigating the most likely suspect!”

  “Get out!” said Otto.

  “But-” Alexei protested.

  “Now!” said Otto.

  Alexei glared at the Emissary for a few seconds before huffing and stomping out of the room, his men following behind like ducklings. Otto watched them all file out, then closed the door behind him.

  “I’ll ask Diligence to have him reassigned to another position,” he said apologetically. “Somewhere far away from here.”

  “That probably won’t do anything good for the rumors that the church is protecting me.”

  “Where did you hear that?” he asked.

  “Envy. Like I said, she was just here. So was Lust,”

  “Lust too?” He pondered for a moment, then sat down. “Tell me everything.”