Bigfut. Hes all hheurr, very skerrier than blud. Like yuman and me. Den therrs raydiayshun. A smol amownt can turnn sumwon tu hary gorila. So I go mayk it. Is gunna bee funn.
A lot of pepple sey Bigfut Ugly, so it wil be frens wif me cus sumwon calld me Fugly. Both of us wont be lonelee ennimoor; is guud plan, ok?
I wuz on beech befor I caym, so I pic seeweedd, sandd, n meni trash by oshun bed. If Im mekking hary evoluushun kreechur, meni mateeriyals needid becus all Life cums frum oshun wa’er. Thas watt Afreekens tel mi. But I no agrii. Evryfing cums frum God, frum nuffing, cus Im allweys raight. Is kombbine evoluushun n God aideas, n wil be sussessfull.
Menn n Bigfut is furst on evoluushun chree. Dey evulve tu feesh ovur 14 ours, all frum powa of skience, not Life. Becus skience is not base on Life. Das why skience ignor life, n so will I.
Wif all mateeriyals, I blo grass to mek shynee toob. I lern jus now for tenn yeers in twu sekunds. Wuz annoyin. Tsk. Aneewey, das Life. Life seys yuu mustt wurk hardd so I du. Dis gunna be guud advvice fur yung pepple like dad n gowsts. Hi grenpa, grenma. Sinse dey ded, dey stoopidd, so I burrn mor grass n mek beeg skience toob. It karry tu dem in the skai. Reel skience.
Den Life seys I need tu lurn moor—abowt Mathematics. Is abowt Probability. Flipp coyn, n is heds or teils. Fiftee-fiftee, dis new skience seys. Fiftee chans on won side, and fiftee chans on udder. Wy? Becus dey sey so. So lissen. Or yuu stoopid like my gremma n grenpa. Or yuu ded. Grenpa seys fiftee, so is fiftee. He kreate skience, n if yuu dont lissen, den yuu rong. Ok?
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I cook fiftee heds, den fiftee teils in the toob, weyt won picosekund, den firs dum stoopid aneemal comm—Bigfut. Is sussess.
“Hi Bigfut, meni pepple kall yuu Ugly, n pepple kall me Fugly. We frens!” I sed.
“Ook ook ook,” it sed.
“I dun undurrstend yuu.” Den, Bigfut tuch me nice. Wif fingur. On skalp, wif reemayning blac hare.
“Does that work?” he sed.
“Yes, howw duz yuu du thas?” I assk.
“Author says so, so that’s how it is,” he sed.
“Wy I no yur jendurr nao?” I assk.
“Comes with the package,” he sed.
“Verii naiisse. Didnut no thas peckejj existd!” I sed.
“Sorry for you being the second evolution. The first one is always wrong in some ways,” he sed.
“Is okey, yuu wil be verii smort laikk mee suun,” I sed. Bigfut cri. He bow down n tuch my Lumbar.
“Thank you! You have blessed me with life, and I will take advantage of your grace. I am eternally grateful!” he sed.
I kross my Lungs. “Yes, we bowf wont be lonelee ennimoor.” I tek owt hiss Eyes. “Yuu luuk kloser tu me allreddy!”
I poor moor kemmikals on heem n he skreem in agonee. “Is feels guud, raight?”
“Yes mesturr! Yes! AHH!” Den he loos all hare.
“Now is taim furr limb off, reddy?” I asskd. He shhake hed. “Ok,” I sed.
Wif Spine, I wipp heem naisse. Fore twentee yeers, I olny take hees Bicep off. Anudder fifftien yeers n furst arm off.
“Reddy furr nex armm?” I asskd. Bigfut shhake hed moor. I smaiyel. Wif wipping Spine, anudder 49 yeers gone. Bigfut cri a lot. “Is okkey, is okkey.” I hugg Bigfut. “Anudder hunjred yeers n legs will be off. Den we take owt yuur skin and muskles on chestt. Den yu beecumm nex evoluushun like me. Luk! Yuu allreddy veri red n not browwn ennimoor!”
“We tuuggeddur allreddy, mesturr.”