Novels2Search
Plastikos Online
En Guarde Asshole

En Guarde Asshole

Approaching the skeleton Coney held a paw out tentatively. “Hey buddy… you okay bro?” He asked, a little bit jittery.

The skeleton moved, looking directly at him. Its eyes were little spots of light, though they were a soft purple light rather than the blue that he’d grown used to in many animated skeletons in games. “AAAARG!!” The skeleton screamed, beginning to move towards him. In its hand there was a sword, though it looked rusted.

With a grunt Coney caught the sword with his sickle’s blade, the curve making it relatively easy to catch the battered thing. Especially when he managed to catch one of the sword’s knicks. “En Guarde Asshole!” He shouted, feeling the coppery taste of adrenaline in his mouth. It tasted like blood, and it was clear that he was going to have to do a lot of fighting after all.

The skeleton’s other hand slammed into Coney’s side. Sure he was able to get a better handle on the sword, as it only had the force of one hand now, but the skeleton’s finger bones were sharp as needles and managed to plunge into his side. Looking down he could see blood drip down his robes, his body shuddering as he felt the skeleton move.

Taking a hint from the skeleton’s playbook Coney also released a paw from his weapon, slamming the heel of his palm into the skeleton’s head. He wasn’t surprised when the skeleton’s head was knocked back, he was slightly surprised when it fell off completely. Sadly, the skeleton was still together without its head, but he hoped it would be at least somewhat hindered by the new disability.

The skeleton began to move back, no longer engaging with Coney. It wanted its head back, that was clear. Coney couldn’t let that happen however and, feeling his side twinge with pain, he ran after the skeleton. He didn’t really think his sickle was a good weapon here, so instead he used his paws, drawing upon his real martial arts experience.

“Hey fucker!” Coney said, slamming one of his foot paws into the base of the skeleton’s spine, essentially focusing right where it would immediately disable anyone living. “I’m not going to leave you be.” He grabbed an arm and ripped it off, the magical tendons straining enough that he could see the lines that connected the bones as they snapped. “I’m going to take you apart piece by piece.” He grabbed the femurs and snapped them over his knee, his eyes glinting with a fear induced rage, a rage he wasn’t going to be happy to let go of. “I will grind you to dust, I’m sure you’ll be useful for something. Even if it’s lube.” He slammed the skeleton into the sarcophagus, and it shattered apart.

Picking up the Skull Coney considered smashing it under his foot. But, instead, he decided it would be useful. It seemed to be something different than normal. He could still nearly see the spark of magic inside there, it wasn’t entirely dead. Hopefully in a place full of clerics someone could banish the asshole. “Fuck, sorry guys, that was… alot. Anyway, I think I’ve got my goal.” He pushed with all his weight at the lid of the stone box.

The box was ornately carved, one of the only ones this far in that was. It was beautiful, and told a story. To keep his mind from the work he looked at the images and told his audience what he thought even as he pushed the lid away. “Okay, so a young girl goes out into the woods. There she meets a man with horns and plays with him. When she grows up she’s pregnant, and has a child. When she’s older she watches that kid die, and she begins violence in response.” He shrugged. “Fair enough, momma bear gotta momma bear.” He said with a grin. “I hope you all realize that I’m your momma bear.” His smile was soft, the glint of violence was still present in his eyes.

This tale has been unlawfully lifted without the author's consent. Report any appearances on Amazon.

Looking in the stone box once he got the lid all the way off he found a body. It wasn’t young enough to see any features, it was a skeleton with small parts still covered in tight, dry skin. She was wearing robes, though they weren't cut like any that he’d seen topside, instead being much shorter and comfortable looking. In her arms was a black bound book, though it was nowhere near as large as the one he’d been carrying around. Around her neck glittered jewelry.

“I… I can’t. I can’t desecrate something sacred to Lady Franca.” Coney said, looking at his feet. He took only the book, and began to shove the lid back on with all of his bunny strength. Finally it was done, and he had what he believed to be the best source of information for topside. Now he just had to go up.

Thankfully, though there were several branching paths in the stone, he’d seen one of the tunnels nearby that seemed to spiral up. Walking up the dust and dirt slowly changed into a sickly sweet smell, and he found himself walking in some dry hay, reaching what looked like the doors to stables.

Walking out the doors he found himself in a weird building, unable to get his bearings. However, there were another set of doors, and he was thankfully able to get out. Looking from the outside he realized the building had been set into the back of the church, which meant it was just a hop, skip, and jump to the entrance. There Franca was waiting for him.

“Oh my dear Coney what have you done?!” She asked, worry clear in her face. She raised her arms. “Come here!” She said firmly.

Not really thinking he would want to not listen, Coney walked over. She was sitting on the bench, so he set the books beside her and let her wrap him in a hug. He was surprised in her strength, but not her action, as she scooped him up all the way and hugged him.

Coney couldn’t hold back a wince as she squeezed the wrong spot and made his side ache. “Oh no!” She said, holding her hand out. “You’re wounded!” She said, holding a hand over the wound. “Let me take care of that.” Her hand began to emanate a golden light that had a warm soothing sensation, and her eyes followed suit. Looking into them Coney felt like he was home, with his mom giving him cookies.

After a minute he was healed. “You… You are really strong.” He said slightly weakly as he looked into her eyes.”

“Yeah, I am. I’m a high level disciple. Don’t worry about it too much.” She said, a grin on her face before it turned much more stern. “Now, tell me what happened.” Of course, Coney couldn’t refuse.

After a few minutes of Coney explaining how he’d gone into the library and gotten what she needed, then gone into the tunnels and gotten what she really wanted, she had a bit of a contemplative look on her face.

“Oh Coney, dear.” She said, her voice soft as butter. “I’m so glad you got me those books, but you broke the rules.” She sighed. “Well, rewards first. For going above and beyond for me I grant you the title of Acolyte. From now on you will be able to come and go as you please.” She said softly. “And for your punishment, you are grounded. You are not allowed into the Undercroft or out of the Abbey for a week!”

Coney frowned, a little bit huffy. “It wasn’t my fault, that monster…”

“Could not follow you. Besides, don’t think I didn’t catch that you accidentally freed it.” She shook his head. “No more backtalk or I’ll tan your hide.” She coupled this with a smack right under his tail.

Coney yelped, before blushing deeply at the idea. “R-right, no backtalk.” He said. “I’ll… I’ll go now.” He climbed out of her lap, which he’d been sitting in the whole time, and began to leave. “Tell me if you need anything else.” He said with a smile.

“I’ll be sure to do so.” She said, a smile in her voice. She watched as he walked off, and he didn’t catch her mumble one last thing under her breath. “I just hope I’m the only one.”