Within this body, I can only feel serenity... Partaking the flesh, I devour the final breath, exhaling into the moon's glow. My heart beats a beautiful melody—such a connection intertwines with the soul and body. Serenity, I say again... I open my eyes, and the red wine drops from her lips as her bright soul departs. There is not a single blink, a single shrug, nor a damn change of expression.
“Phader...” A voice calls for me. Is it my creator? Or the voice of many apparitions that choose to remain here in my world? Filling my head with a dreadful sense of discomfort. “Wake up, Phader.” My mind stirs with an unsettling thought—I wake with the help of Cresalin, who stands by my side. She smiles as she looks down with her peering eyes... Her company brings me a slight joy in this sickly state.
She continued: “I was beginning to worry about you. Even in your rest, you still turn persistently.”
“Yes, my dreams have been—an ‘experience’ to put it lightly.” Truly, I could not explain that moment in the dream world, only an unease—sundry with a dotted dose of ecstasy.
“Well, we are going to have a lot of time together. Maybe you can try telling me what you saw.”
I replied: “There is not much for me to say; I’d rather keep it personal... But tell me, why are you going to stay here with me? Doesn’t the others need your assistance?”
She smiles sincerely again, “Do not fret, Phader. I wish to aid you in any way I can and—with those dreams of yours. Something could happen in your unconscious state.”
“Such as sleepwalking?”
“Or worse... But let us not dwell on that now. If you need anything, don’t hesitate to ask. I will be over by the window indulging in my hobbies.”
She wanders towards the other side of the room, resting in one of the chairs as the sun’s pale brushes the curtain onto her lap, then takes a needle and thread, proceeding to crochet. It was a humble sight to see in the moment, only to be ruined by that familiar sensation, the one I had in that dream... Wanting to speak more to her, I had to hold myself back from doing so—worried I might strain her sympathy—the chance of burden seemed likely.
She returns her curious glance, “Is there something you need?”
I replied: “No... nothing of importance." I turned my body towards the wall while closing my eyes. For what seemed like hours, my mind found that inner peace, taking me into the next world.
It was not a new place where I drifted, but rather a memory entwined within a bizarre world. Wandering for moments at a time as the world skips from the single blink. A woman suddenly stands before me; she is about my height, particularly in her stance; sweet was her expression, her heart, however... It was something else. Cold as frostbite, nipping at the gloveless hands that dare hold out into the bitter air. A fine wine, she was on a first impression. Always she wanted to speak—but I never had the words to say... ‘Am I a bore?’ I questioned myself, or is her beauty too much to bear? A question I cannot answer... These times of—desolation take a firm hold on my mind. For am I a coward with no answer? Or a simpleton with no explanation... I cannot answer this question. My mind drifted into a fantasy of a romance that never existed, a sick tragedy it seemed when this love of mine was never meant to be. Sleeper will never permit it... Storing my destiny with a purpose I never asked for... I suppose it’s for the best. In time, I may be answered or remain in a state of misfortune... A pain dwells within me, a sense of isolation. That same pain begins to differ from itself and becomes pleasure, a—masochism some would consider.
Upon this dank hall where I stand in solitude, my vision blurs with awful inconsistency—next to me, I see a woman sleeping in my bed. She has no hair, eyes, lips, ears—no, it was only a feminine figure. Raising her stance, she reveals her naked anatomy, expressing the motions seductively... She carefully pulls my hands against her smooth face, which pulses with life underneath the skin. Shapes formed around her, sockets for her eyes, cheekbones for her mouth, and strains of hair forming at the scalp. For a moment, she became someone I had seen before; within seconds, she changed into a different woman, only to repeat this process. Thechanges do not hinder her movements, but she is vigilant in pulling me in. I try to remain distant, finding the doorknob that leads out from this place... To my dismay, I could not find such an object or anything that would allow me to escape. As for the woman, she presses her naked body against mine. Pressing her fingers against my groin—I relented by pushing her away. Such rebellion will not deter this ambition. Still, she wanted me to join her. When I closed my eyes for a brief second, my body produced waves upon waves of vigor... My needs and desires overwhelm the rational part of me. When I open my eyes, I see her pressed against the bed with my hands wrapped around her wrists. My groin penetrates inside, connecting us in this twisted sense of ecstasy. I—I wanted all of it... This pain needs to be exhaled from my body—and this woman is the cure to my freedom.
#
That lustful dream could never quench the ravenous urge in me, only perpetuating my hidden desire for companionship... Awakened in the dead of night, I twist under the covers. Turning to Cresalin, I see her sleeping on the chair with a lit candle by her side, giving life to her darkened gaze. Even in the darkest corner, with mysterious eyes and dark appearance, I still find her charm desirable. That thought of mine had to be removed, focusing on the act of sleeping—and yet, the thoughts persisted.
I question the very intentions I crave, wondering if there was any way to remove this burden. A Phader I am, a speaker of our lord, Sleeper. I try to remain focused on making this cathedral a home for everyone. Such intentions are held back due to this natural craving for love that—in a way, never existed or question to believe. I had attempted many times in the past to find this ‘idea’ of companionship, only to be left on the ground, with my inwards pulled and my face covered in scars... In metaphor, of course.
Within these many hours, I noticed that bluish light rising above my shadow, bringing forth the morning I had been waiting for. Risen from my bed, I had awakened Cresalin from the loud creaking it made.
She said calmly: “Morning, Phader. Did you sleep well?”
I replied: “I slept to some extent with unusual dreams.”
“We should discuss more once I return with a warm drink.”
Slowly, she reached the door, closing it behind her. As for me, I walk over to the window, looking at that silver ring in the sky as the sun rises from below... Sitting by the table, I became absorbed in my thoughts as I—tried to remember every detail of that dream. I often wonder about its obscure nature and why it fills me with this dread and—longing, trying to remain focused on the beautiful sight. Its persistence could not be detoured for a single moment besides Cresalin’s sudden appearance.
She walked in with a tray in hand, placed it on the table, and poured a drink for the both of us. The steam waves into the air with such vigor as the smell enchants me to its bitter taste. She, too, glances at the sight before taking a sip.
Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
“You look as if you’re lost in thought,” She noticed my plane expression.
“I usually am,” I assured, “it’s nothing out of the ordinary... How about you? Do you have any thoughts to share? Sleeping in your position must have been a burden for the body.”
“It wasn’t all bad... In truth, I don’t sleep very much at all. Closing my eyes can only do so much for me.”
“Do you have a condition?”
“Nothing you should be worried about, Phader.”
“I’m afraid my condition persists that I worry for the people around me.”
She gave a slight laugh, “It's alright. But if I require your help, I know you will be there for me.”
We enjoyed a bit of silence before I moved on to the next topic, “How are the others fairing from my absence?”
She nods, “All are well now; they are worried for you. As for that stranger we met in the cave, the—Galik-Brusadore, he wants to speak to you.”
“What for?”
“He did not say why... Alen had tried to get him to talk for a while now. You are the only one with whom he wants to speak. Only if you are able enough, of course.”
“I had remained in bed long enough—walking will do me some good.”
And in the dungeon, I lurked through the foul air and death’s quivering anticipation. The rotting food and fecal matter drop into the cages as the prisoners stand against the wall, avoiding the impact. Towards the end, behind the reinforced door, the Galik-Brusadore sits at the corner, his cloudy gaze taunting me as if he were aware of my presence.
“Phader...” Galick spoke the first word, “Within this foul place, your odor is well defined. For there lies a secrecy...”
I take a moment to respond, “Do you know why you are in here?”
“Suspicions...”
“Your timing was very convenient. Sarian’s journal contained foul entries and arts that defy our laws.”
“He was... A devoted man. If he wanted something, he would do anything to take it.”
“Such as taking little girls?”
Galik smirked, “We do not judge the needs of one another; it is our duty to allow total freedom for all. Your dedication to Sleeper keeps you from discovering yourself—discovering sensations you never knew existed.”
“There is a reason we have to hold back,” I replied sternly, “You can develop a sickness for these pleasantries, a sort of obsession that will destroy your life and the life of others.”
“The words of Sleeper never cease to amuse me... You cannot change the thoughts of the many. Even if they did agree to your words, they would give in to those urges... That—sickness in you has come out sooner or later. That woman... Alen, they have such desires as well.” He started laughing.
“I’m not going to amuse you anymore. Where are your followers?”
“It’s hard to say, Phader. They are in places of familiarity, places of peace. Would you not want that for yourself? I cannot imagine why you would take away such luxuries.”
“What pleasantries have you had for yourself? You don’t serve your country through any means, nor do you feed the hungry mouths. Are you out there, only surviving on the fruit nature provides?”
“Of course... Nature blesses with riches for the empty gut and a surface to rest. As for—providing for the many faces, that is something only a weak-minded cretin such as yourself would say... Have you not been scoffed at by those around you? I have—many times before... Phader, this world has many forms of evil than you care to notice. How long do you have in this world before it beats you down and eats you alive? I wonder...”
“I see you are not willing to cooperate with me, Galik. I shall allow you to rot in your cell for eternity.”
“Do what you must. At least I will be at peace far more than you will ever be.”
#
The day darkens with its warm light descending over the horizon. The shifting of light transfixes against my skin as I drink; I knock it back until the last drop enters my body... My mind is lost in the abyss as I stand in isolation, still exhausted from the previous night. This burden of mine runs deeper than anything I could have imagined. Is the life I have with these people little compared to that of love? Is it not enough for me to inspire many minds? Kneeling at the foot of my bed, I stretch my arms forward and whisper: “Sleeper... These thoughts you have given me, why can I not turn them away through desires alone? I wish to only serve this realm for the greater good and nothing more. Please, take these thoughts away from me. Let me concentrate...” I sank further into my bed, shivering as those thoughts persisted. The sickness... Galik told me that, is this the symptom he was talking about something else? I need to find a way to control it.
And when I slept through the restless night, the pain clawed my body with vicious intent. The temptation rose higher than it had ever been—these damn fantasies began taking control of the rational part of me! Controlling such tempting dreams can never simmer if I crave a woman’s touch... Cresalin, to be exact. Such a foul thing to lust over my colleague, my dear friend—and yet, the urge lingers on like a parasite that feeds on me, then gives me strength to move forward. Love was created to be a cruel antidote...
When I awoke from that thought, that—uninterrupted state of agitation, sleep be damned from my intentions... A soft blue light crawled into my bed chambers, pointing me to gather my modest clothing and head out into the cobblestone labyrinth. Instead of joining the others in the company, I took the time to clean the areas that were left unkept. Broom in hand, I swept for hours, pushing away the gathered filth from the causal glance. My focus turned elsewhere when I reached the temple. Gothic architecture amazes me even now, though I have seen it many times before. But when I heard those familiar steps behind me, that pain haunted me once more.
“My-my...” Cresalin said suddenly, “You are more proactive this morning than most.”
“I am...” I replied, fixing my eyes on the environment. “It would be better to keep this clean so our minds can have time to focus on more important matters.”
“At this rate, Phader. You are going above the necessary. Would you rather reserve your strength for greater matters?”
I take a moment to consider her words, “You are right, Cresalin... These matters have gotten the best of me. My mind is a curious one to cure.”
“I can’t imagine your thoughts, especially when you spoke with Galik.”
“I don’t have much worry for him. He's imprisoned, after all... I am more worried about his followers, and will fate bring them to me at my worst?”
“Why do you fear them?” she asked, “They are nothing more than the common bandit. Although I must admit, I find it strange how they search for freedom when Sleeper permits us to have it.”
“That cult, excuse me—the followers of Hettalies believe Sleeper only gives us a fragment of freedom. Which isn’t the case. Our minds are completely free, and our will can have many opportunities. Our order is about filtering the morals of our actions. Galik and his believers believe no filter should be considered, and morality be damned in their case.”
“Hettalies... I have heard something about her long ago, but the name was taboo.”
“It still is,” I confirmed, “The goddess of autonomy. The one who wished for total freedom... The Phader’s
before I will only speak harshly of her name, and many will scorn the flesh of those seek for her words.”
“Why would she be hunted down for this idea of—true freedom?”
“The actions that were made from this idea turned the kingdom into a state of catastrophe. Why would you help your neighbor if their goods are worth taking for yourself? Why work the farms to feed the many hungry mouths when you can drink and live within your fantasies... Damn to all that is good-natured. The selfish will strive... The followers of Hettalies have brought our kingdom to chaos... It was from that part of time when the many realize that true freedom corrupts those capable of great evil.”
“Who is capable of great evil?”
“Anyone...” I answered, “It does not matter if you are rich or poor, strong, or weak. If you can produce good in this world, you also have the power to create wickedness. Thus, a filter must be made to keep the balance of society. Even if it means Galik and his people must be imprisoned... For they might begin the cycle once more, and our society will be brought to a second collapse.”
“Why would she want this freedom to begin with?” She asked.
“She is a servant created by Sleeper himself; like many of his creations, she was supposed to be the keeper of this realm, a watchful eye. She did not believe that amortal should remain seated to an orthodox. ‘Life offers many fruits,’ she said in the written scriptures.”
“You know your history well...” she said, surprised.
I shifted myself away, “I learned well in my youth...”
“You speak like an old man,” she jested, “Are you not the same age as I?”
“We are... They say I am still youthful, yet my mind is a spoiled apple in the sun.”
“You are different from the other Phaders. Not even they would consider the thoughts of those around them.”
“It is better to learn from those around you... I hope to learn more.”
Cresalin's lips rose as her face slowly turned red, “I can teach you many things myself—Karthuras.”
Admittedly, it shocked me when she said my name.
“I—I am sorry, Phader. I—”
“It’s alright...” I reassured with a smile pressed against my face, “It’s the first time anyone has said my name in recent memory...”