Oh hello there! And welcome to my most humble of abodes. We’ve got torture racks, we’ve got LitRPG screens, we’ve got Zelda references nobody has caught yet—everything you could ever want, everything you could ever need, and it’s right here in front of you! This is the greatest show! The Malice Show!
I’m so glad you are here! I’ve got so much to tell you about, and I care about almost none of it! Well, except for the parts that feature me, because those parts are the best. Oh yeah!
So there’s this dude Rod, and I’m not gonna lie, but he’s kinda stupid. Like, so stupid he doesn’t listen to his totally overpowered crystal, Elizabeth. She’s so smart, and pretty, and totally human and not a floating talking crystal. (Don’t ask.)
It makes no sense to me, but he spent his first three runs just insulting her and fighting her until right after they ran into a secret boss. There they met this wannabe Splinter-looking dude named Ratigan, and he was all like, “Look at my rats!” And Rod was probably like, “No gross cuties,” or something. Idk, he’s a baby.
After Ratigan left to a later floor, Rod and Lizzie Baby started arguing, and then she vanished. LOL, it was so crazy. Classic Lizzie move. And of course, instead of handling it calmly, Rod, with all his anger issues, totally lost it. He’s got this temper, see? It’s like he just can’t help himself from smashing things—like his own hand. Yeah, that’s right. He was so pissed off he ruined any chances of making it further on the run by destroying his left. Right? Third? Hand. I forget which. The point is he smashed it good. It looked like jellied ham. Yummmm.
Rod finally started making progress on his next run. There, he encountered a total wimpy kiddy baby whiner named Klericho, who had given up on finishing the dungeon. Klericho helped him a bit, and then he encountered some gods. I don't know; it was a bit messy. He also encountered Klericho’s friend Thomas, and the dude is like born with a stick up in the place where it doesn’t shine none.
Anyway, he came out of the mix-up with the gods with some weird superpowers straight out of Minecraft called Aerlyntiums, and then never used the power to build anything. I mean, what gives, Rod? Did you forget that you had it?
I’m so glad I don’t have ADHD; I mean, can you imagine? Anyway, where was I?
Oh, right, that’s not exactly true. He used the power a few times to bring people back from the dead and to make some platforms or something. But like, man, as a gamer, it hurts my soul. Neither Jamie nor Rod wants to 100% anything, and it’s awful. They’re both the kind of people who would end up with $10,000 in pennies and leave a few hundred behind because they got lazy. I’m rambling. Do I care? No.
He did some other important things. Like the magical murals, which gave him some awesome power boosts. And taught him about Elric the founder and how Penance was created before life itself. And then how the evil god left the prison claiming to be Elric. It was probably cool and there’s probably more to it, but I didn’t pay attention. And the memory cores, which I’ll get to eventually. Probably.
Oh right, there are these three gods running around. One is like a wannabe David Koresh, another is just a straight-up murder hobo pretending to be a god, and the other is what happens if Mr. Krabs gains insane god-like powers. Each one is trying to trick Rod into being their guinea pig and gateway to power they can use against the other gods in their never-ending three-way tug of war.
But then, on his next run, things got interesting.
Rod finally got the magic class he had always wanted, and he exploited the Penance out of it.
He figured out ways to summon overpowered versions of his pets and sometimes multiple versions of the same one. And to make his life even easier, he stole a sword from some goblin kid that nobody cared about or something. I think his name was Toeball? Yeah, that was it—Toeball. {Editor’s note: His name was Thumb’s.}
Anyway, he rips the Red Death out of Toeball’s tiny green hands, and then, to make things worse, he ate Toeball later that same run, or maybe that was Malikap? Okay, well, someone ate Toeball, and then Rod lost the sword too! But not before he used it to have his *pets* clear most of the floor. Wait, did I say slaves? I meant pets, yeah, pets. They cleared almost all of the floor and realized that they couldn’t finish the boss because the Djinn could only be killed inside his own lamp, which Klericho and Thomas destroyed like 90 times and ran out of lives in the process. Classic. Haha.
You could be reading stolen content. Head to Royal Road for the genuine story.
Anyway, where was I? Toeball. Gods on floor 2. Right, the Djinn lamp. Mini-djinnis. Ah yes, Frankie, my mother from a different brother. Such a kindred soul. So sweet, and just wants to eat some books, and pets, and humans. Such a cool existence; I’m positively black with envy. That run ended when Frankie ate Rod and his companions! Neat!
On the next run, Rod was excited because he finally got a pure mage class, and before he could even use it, right off the bat, one of the three Gal-pal possies {editor note: he means the gods} cursed him with unbelievable power, except every time he uses a spell, his fingers, his teeth? Hair? Something fell out.
Anyway, when he arrived on the second floor, Rod, doing something smart for once, figured out how the lamp worked, gathered together the pieces, and prepped for the boss. Then he wet himself in fear when one of the gods showed up and he thought it was the end of his run. Instead, they killed the mini-djinnis.
After that, the god disappeared again. Rod never said who it was for some reason either. Once he got Klericho and Thomas out of cold storage, they fought the goblin king to the Djinn’s room, and the final fight occurred.
The Djinn was like a total pushover and died because Rod like blew sand at him. It was hilarious. And then I think Klericho tripped and fell on his own sword, and then Thomas betrayed Rod after they beat the Djinn.
But here’s the twist—Rod didn’t lose it this time. Yeah, the same guy who smashed his own hand in rage a few runs ago actually managed to keep his cool. I know, right? It’s like he’s actually learning something down here. Maybe all those memory cores are starting to sink in after all. Maybe he’s finally figured out that losing his temper doesn’t get him anywhere but stuck in another run. Whatever it is, it’s definitely a change from the hothead who came down here.
Oh, and one last thing I forgot.
Memory cores. Oh crap, I didn’t even mention those yet. Oh man, oh no, is ADHD contagious? Rod, what have you done to me? Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha no, I’m just messing with y’all. I decided to put the memory cores here for a very specific reason—like half of the memories are obviously fake, and Rod doesn’t know which ones are which. Hahaha, I love it. Man, he cracks me up. I’m so glad I murdered that guy and ended up in here. I would have missed all this fun.
Anyway, there were three general types of memories that Rod dealt with.
The first series of memories were about Rod and his parents, and like, you know, I love dark stuff, but man, that’s kinda like, ooof, yeah, his parents are worse than Spotted Dick {a British dish}. Oh, oh no, that’s not descriptive enough. They’re like a dirty rotten greasy bag of sausages, like a leftover bag of sausages that stayed in the sun for a month and rotted through and then just grew legs one day.
Like, so gross actually. Anyway, to make a long, long, long story short, his parents were abusive monsters, and they severely stunted Rod’s emotional growth and ability to trust people, and he probably became a serial killer because of the way he was treated. Oh, and they are so evil they didn’t even get a shot at Penance. They’re deader than dead.
The second one was his friend Pickle Rick {Editor Note: Peckolin} and his younger brother. Anyway, Rod and Candace {Editor name: Candor} both grew up poor and had to deal with, like, you know, not eating and stuff and, like, bad education.
Yeah, man, isn’t misery so great? When Candace’s older brother Pickle Juice {Peckolin} came back to town, Pickle Steve {Peckolin} had them help him blow up an aquarium. A while later, Pickle Rick {Peckolin} helps Rod plan his parents’ murders or something. It wasn’t clear. Also probably fake news.
Oh yeah, and then for whatever reason Rod just like totally shanks Pickle Rick. It was funny. I love that part, my favorite part
of everything that’s happened so far. Oh man, murder is so much fun. That reminds me of my dear, dear, gorgeous Jamie. My sweet little Queen. So naive. So trusting. So innocent.
The third line of memories revolved around Rod and Jamie interacting, but almost all of the memories made no sense. They are probably all fake memories. A princess and a pauper? Get out. And the timelines made no sense, except for the scene where they kissed. Then, Rod was going to be executed, but the king accidentally killed his daughter and then choked out Rod. So cool, he turned purple. Pretty sure that one was mostly real.
Oh, and then Jamie woke up in Penance, and I get to be her death crystal—so metal.
It is my life’s work to see her devolve into the evil monster I know she can one day be. In her first dungeon run, she gets bitten by a zombie faster than the naive cheerleader who gets killed in a slasher flick. And then she meets Malikap, who is being all dramatic about her being his last lackey or something. Dude was crying for no reason.
And then she died. Everybody thought her corpse would turn into a zombie, but for some reason it didn’t—weird. On her second run, I made her a paladin class, and she totally destroyed the floor, clearing everything but the boss. And because I’m awesome, she cleared every room and gave me all of the treasure.
There is so much more to share about this, but I’m bored, and I want to go eat some monsters or something. So git. Go away. Shoo.