{Memory core 19/???}

~~~~~{Memory Core 19 Start}~~~~~

It was early the day after my parents died. The coronation of Princess Jamie had been the previous day, and the city was alight with activity. I couldn't believe someone so wonderful and genuine could do something so evil and wasteful. But who was I to judge, given the horrors I had committed the previous day?

I went to our spot, a mini garden on the edge of a rich residential area bordering the palace. I wasn't expecting to see her, but I wanted to glimpse her one last time before the guards came for me.

Murder was a heinous crime, to say nothing of killing your parents. I would be lucky if the gallows were the only fate in store for me. I kicked at a puff of dirt that had formed in front of the bench I was sitting at. The circle had grown more extensive in the weeks of meeting with Princess Jamie.

How could I be so evil, so stupid? A numbness had settled over me, a cold emptiness that refused to thaw. My eyes stared blankly ahead, unseeing, as if all the color and feeling had been drained from the world, leaving only a void where my heart used to be.

Just empty, as if I were covered in an inky-black mist of nothingness. The chaos my parents sowed in my life had brought nothing but pain to me, and here I was, not even bothered by their deaths.

That was wrong, I knew, but They were monsters. Cruel, abusive monsters. Right?

I could justify their deaths all I wanted, but as I looked down at my 'pristine hands,' all I saw was red—red that hadn't come out when I jumped in the river earlier, red that hadn't come out when I smeared my hands in the dirt earlier or poured my waterskin over them..

"Hello," the timid voice sounded small and frail as it shook me out of my reverie. I looked up from my dirt circle to stare at the most beautiful sight I had ever seen. Long brown hair curled into ringlets around her shoulders. Piercing eyes—one brown and one green — seemed severe yet soft. A cute button nose that highlighted her kind smile betrayed the seriousness of her eyes. The face of a Princess—no, a Queen.

"Hello," I said back sullenly, but I did not look up. My gaze remained fixed on the ground, the weight of her scrutiny a palpable force. I could almost feel her eyes piercing through me, searching for the truths I desperately wanted to keep hidden. Of course, she could immediately tell something was wrong.

"Are you okay, Rod?" She sidled up next to me, and I felt heat radiated down my arm as she brushed against me. I sighed and cradled my head in my hands.

"No. I ruined everything." Jamie sat in silence. Not expectant, just companionable. She didn't even ask anything but grabbed one of my hands and gripped it gently but firmly. If I was going to make it out of this, I had to tell her the truth, but my voice trembled, and I hesitated.

A sharp intake of air, and then I said, "My parents are dead." I wanted to tell her the truth, but I couldn't have those eyes look at me with hatred. Come on, Rod. Say the truth. Maybe she will know what to do.

"I— I killed my father after he killed my mother."

Her eyes widened, and she dropped my hand from hers. Then, she quickly grabbed my hand back.

"What happened?" I could feel her stress and fear as she stroked her thumb against the pad of my right hand. She was wary and uncertain but pushing herself forward.

"My dad was drunk, and my mother was angry. Dad ruined dinner so that he could buy more drugs, and Mother threw a knife at him. But then… It was like magic… the knife redirected itself at her, and then she was dead."

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"My father came rushing forward to attack me. I put my arms up to defend myself, and another blast of magic came out of nowhere. And then he was dead. So I didn't kill them."

I paused, tears finally falling. I hated them, so why did it hurt so much?

"But the thing is, I don't have magic. They died only because I asked my Peckolin for help, and he gave me this. I pulled out the Amulet that had brought me so much misfortune and death. I took it off and threw it to the floor.

"If I had never asked him for it, If I had never…" The onslaught of emotion was heavier now, tears falling across my cheeks like streams. The emotions that hadn't come earlier were now entirely on display in front of the only person I didn't want to see this way. "I'm a murderer. You should leave me alone, Jamie, before I murder you, too."

Jamie picked up the Amulet and held it before her as if trying to identify what it did. She let out a hearty, throaty laugh, and I just kept on sobbing. My emotions were no longer mine to control. The mists at the edges of my vision were heavier now, punctuating the heaviness of my emotions.

"This Amulet doesn't murder. It only defends. Your parents both had murderous intentions for you. You've always defended them, said they both weren't abusive, but this Amulet only kills as a last result when to do otherwise would end with your death."

She held out the Amulet for me to take it back, but I put it in her hands.

"I don't want it anymore. If it does what you say, then you should take it. Keep the Queen safe, keep the Kingdom safer."

Jamie leaned forward. She was so close to me that I could feel her breath on my face and see the opposite color flecks in both eyes. And then, we kissed.

It was long, soft, and confusing. I had never allowed myself to dwell on my feelings for her, not just because they could never be reciprocated but because I never imagined they would be. I leaned further into the kiss, the soft flavor of honey butter on her lips.

When we broke the kiss, I saw a light red flush on her cheeks.

"You are not a monster, Rod. Your parents were monsters. They mistreated you. Never called you by your name. They attempted to kill you. Most of your life, you've spent rooting around in the trash and begging for food because they would rather spend the pittances they had on themselves instead of their only child."

"You've been my friend for almost a month, and I know the real you. You are kind gentle, always wanting to do what is right. You are strong and worthy, not just of me but the whole kingdom." She kissed me again, but this time, she was hesitant. She leaned back almost immediately after our lips touched, and now she was the one who was crying.

"I want to be with you. I am Queen; supposedly, I rule the kingdom, make the laws, and say how everything works." Tears rolled down her cheeks, and my hands, almost as if they had a will of their own, moved to wipe them off her face. I made to talk, but she shook her hand and continued.

"But no matter what I say or do, nothing I command happens. I didn't want the coronation to go the way that it did. I don't want my father to still have the power that he does. I want to lift you and take you into the palace with me. I want you to be my suitor, but…"

The tears came faster now. "In a way, you're free now, Rod." I looked at her questioning but immediately schooled my features.

"You're free to move about to go wherever, do whatever, but the only freedom I have is this garden, and were it discovered, I would lose even that. I'm a queen of my kingdom but a prisoner of my palace. What I am saying is I need your help to escape. I'm going to abdicate my throne, flee this country, and then we can go somewhere else together." Hope radiated on her face as her eyes took on a far-away, dreamy quality. I couldn't help but share her enthusiasm. If I could get away, I would never be in trouble.

"To flee, though, I need your help." She pulled out a ring from her pouch and handed it to me. "As long as this ring is on my person, the King and his mage know where I am at all times. As long as this ring is on my person, I can immediately be pulled back to where I belong. And to make it even worse, I can only leave this ring with someone I trust; otherwise, it will reappear in my person. I can't leave the castle grounds as long as this ring is on me. But if we can leave the castle and the city, the ring will be rendered useless." I should've listened better because it would fail as soon as she said the plan. If the ring could be detected no matter where it was, it wouldn't matter where I was; I would be found with it. Her plan would fail. I grabbed the ring, and the memory faded.

~~~~~{Memory Core 19 End}~~~~~

It didn't make sense. At all. Hadn't I met her after she became queen? And here she was saying we had been friends since a month before. My head hurt as I tried to reconcile all of the conflicting memories. I didn't know what was real. I didn't know what I could trust.

I closed my eyes, trying to piece together the fragmented images in my mind. I remembered the argument after she had snuck out of the palace, the way she had looked at me with those piercing eyes when I first approached her.

Was any of it even real to begin with?