Cere- So, how do you feel?

Kate- What was that? So fucking raw right now.

Cere- Therapy!

Kate- The hell? T's like putting my brain in a blender and running a marathon at the same time. Also feel like I'm a puppet on a string. Like... outside of my body, and lost a bit, maybe. Like something's not there anymore. Lighter a bit... I think.

Cere- Take your time, this isn't a race. You might think a bit differently from now on. There's still a lot to do, but as stipulated this isn't a race, more like a long eternal trek. Take time to see the sights, they are the destination.

Kate- 'kay... I think I got the idea.

Cere- Do you still feel responsible for what happened? Remorses of any kind?

Kate- No...

Cere- Care to explain why?

Kate *Sigh* I couldn't do a thing about it, it was written in stone before I even arrived. He probably died before even hitting the ground, before I even realized what was going on. T'was too late then. I had no idea what was brewing and I was untrained for real action. Even if I did understand, I was outmanned, unarmed and surprised. They were a bunch of true believers fanatics with a hostage to booth, the situation was fucked on arrival. There was nothing to be done. That's what you wanted me to see?

Cere- Yes, and no. Yes, I wanted you to see that part, but I also wanted to make you remember that you did do something about the situation, remember? You were not just a helpless victim in all this. Remember after? You went down kicking, biting, scratching and screaming, literally. Even down, wounded and with half a mind, you still managed to act, to save yourself in the worst of circumstances. I still have your vitals at the time for insurance purposes. You would have died if Texas passed by at that moment seconds later, you would have been done for.

Kate- "The gas can..."

Cere- Yes, that last defiant act in the haze, against all odds. With a busted lung, a burnt arm, a dead eye, and multiple commotions you still fought for your life. Despite all that, you still had enough fortitude to act, save yourself and try to get help for Stink. You went above and beyond, you didn't fail. You won the day in the worst of circumstances. How do you feel about that?

Kate- *Shrug*

Cere- Could you have done anything more, realistically I mean?

Kate- "No... I guess not."

Cere- Again, how do you feel about that?

Kate- "Bit proud I guess, but..."

Cere- No ifs or buts. Sometimes staying alive through the day is all you can do. Wretched little phyric win or not, be it in a firefight, or just a bad day at home. Be proud of those small wins you gave everything for. They are the best you could hope in a desperate time and they are the most important efforts in life. Obtained at the edge of death, with the little energy you had, at the worst of times. Not everyone makes it as you did. Life is full of external and internal factors that limit the scope of the possible. Don't feel shame about that, that's just the reality tax. Sometimes doing 5% is your 110%, your very best in terms of effort. Big splashy wins are, most of the time, done in the best of circumstances. Rarely requires your real effort to get. They are often more like falling than climbing.

Humans always try to push others to do more than they really can. They put pressure to exploit their efforts to the maximum. It sank so deep into the culture that people forgot that they themselves are humans. They put undue pressure on their own shoulders to overperform and burn everything they are for pointless short-term goals. You need to break the societal programming of your own expectations. It isn't easy. You'll have to think about it all the time at first. Recalibrate for reality instead of those false beliefs you are using to whip yourself into shame. You can't be perfect, that's just a fact. Stop hating the real you, do with what you really have and plan to have enough juice for the long run, not just the now.

Love this novel? Read it on Royal Road to ensure the author gets credit.

Kate- Right... I tried to do too much lately. I'm spent, can't shoot the same ammo twice without reloading it. I'll get sent to Composting at this rate, but I'm fucking broke as shit right now. I don't want to bind myself in a loan pattern.

Cere- So, what can you do about it?

Kate- *Shrug*

Cere- Don't you know someone who loves you, wants to help and has the means to do so?

Kate-"... Don't want to be a burden."

Cherry- "Don't regress for some undue shame. "How does having the means and the will make it a burden for me my "Poulette"? Don't you think that being powerless to help my daughter is more of a burden? Put yourself in my shoes for a second, think long and hard about it."

Kate- "MO...! Cherry? How did you..."

Cherry- "I'm still your emergency contact with parental authorization. Your Cere contacted me earlier when it got really bad. I don't know the content of your seance though, I just got access to your mind after, you know, in case it got too overwhelming for you and needed me."

Kate- "Won't lie, t'was what it was..."

Cherry- "Yes, I can feel you through the link. Not bad at all, you are dealing well with this first step considering everything."

Kate- "Ain't the mind just a machine? If the parameters are wrong adjust the dials a bit to make it work better. No need to fuss."

Cherry- "Well, that's partly true. Yes, you can make some adjustments quickly but don't forget the physical aspect of the mind, and the architecture of learning, the neurons have to readjust and create new pathways, which requires a lot of effort to do when doing big changes quickly. Most people reject analyzing themselves because their instinct screams "bloody murdering taxes" each time some information gets in, and a big public good project has to be done. Don't sell yourself short on that front, that's some masterful work for a newbie. I'm proud of you my little "Caille"."

Kate- "Seems like you know a lot."

Cherry- "Yes, well, in my line of work... a lot of clients feel lost. They seek validation, acceptance, empathy, and understanding, even if they come with Paradise on hand. Plus I had to deal with a lot of personal ghosts over the years."

Kate- True, you're an old hag

Cherry- "Hey! *False outrage* don't nag, I resent that. Does my marvellous shell look like a hag? I'm more like an immortal beautiful succubus no?"

Kate- "To me, you'll always be a mummy!"

Cere- What a terrible pun!

Kate- Can't always do 110%.

Cere- Don't feel so proud of yourself!

Cherry- "Moving on "Oisillons", stop pecking at each other. So, back on track, didn't you have something to ask of me, Kate?"

Kate- "Shit, right.*mumble*...eed help...?"

Cherry- " *playfully mocking* Can't hear you! Iiiii...?"

Kate- "I might need help."

Cherry- "Good start, but still insufficient. You might need help from whom?"

Kate- "Do I really need to say it out loud?"

Cherry- "That's the blood price... and I'd like a pretty please on top, you know, as a tip."

Kate- "Tip? What's a tip?"

Cherry- "No evasion today "Rossignol", face the music. For the tip ask Cere later. For now, you know what to do already."

Kate- "You drive a hard bargain old ghost, I can hear a CENTURY of experience. "Can you help me, Mom, pretty please?"

Cherry- *beaming* "Of course "Vilain petit Canard"! Just come home to roost for a bit. I'll take care of putting you back on track, I have a few plans for that!"

Kate- "Don't overdo it this time... please? Just a small nudge, OK?"

Cherry- *Sigh* "Alright, alright, I can feel your reluctance through Cere. It's already good you are even asking anything at all. It took you everything... I can't take control of your life, no matter how much I feel like I need to save you. See, we all have some "merde" to deal with, even a hundred years old zombie-like me. I have to stop projecting my needs and wants on my "Oisillons". I can't always be there to protect the nest. Otherwise, it becomes a gilded cage."

Cere- A cage is a cage, no matter the intentions of the jailer, a bird wants to fly.

Cherry- "You fucking fortune cookie in a jar! Wops, language! Before we go, look around a bit little "Pluvier Kildir"."

Kate- *Confused* "Don't remember this place, didn't I made it to the Asstronaughty's?"

Cherry- "No, I mean yes, you made it. You know this place, I just... changed it."

Kate- A shrine of some sort? A stain like wine on the wall. Blood! old blood. Tag art, big names to them: OBAY, X? The Hand is Near... the bests at their craft.... and more. The composition and theme? A Claire Obscure, losses and pain. Suffering... but also at the core, hope, solidarity, family. And this place, despite being in a dark corner of the city, is pristine, not a blemish, not a disfigurement. Someone seems to take care of it regularly.

Cere- There are several AR and VR hotspots, would you like to access them?

Kate- Yes, display them.

I know that smell... and that one... Stink, that's his signature work. Other's too, videos... old friends from my youth... family in a sense. All... gone, dead. Victims of the Independence War. Some fought with their life on the line... others, slaughtered. What the fuck? Why is my sixteen-year-old face on that wall? I shouldn't be... and the names.... twenty-something... A lot of them died after I left. If... if I stayed, maybe some... I'm a coward. I shouldn't be alive, I should have...

Cherry- "Stayed? Fought? How? You wouldn't have been able to change a thing then. You had done your part as the canary in the mine. And yes, I put "her" on that wall, my little "Canari" she died that day, truly. Victim of a fresh new wave of surprise attacks. Her body was broken, her soul consumed to ashes."

Kate- *fumbles on her knees tearful* "I'm a fucking coward!"

Cherry- "No, you were a bird with broken wings. No one feels like you did anything wrong. You know it don't you? In this world, there are infinitely worse fates than a quick death. Debt slavery, self-inflicted hatred, bottomless guilt, running endlessly for the next meal, losing everyone around you, eating alone every day. Don't mourn the dead too much, they don't feel pain anymore. Their crucible has passed. Ours, on the other hand... we can only hope it will be a long-lasting privilege."

Kate- "Why? With the deads I mean..."

Cherry- "Where is my cheery and bright little Canary? The artsy girl that was living here?"

Kate "I..."

Cherry- "Died that day, gone in the flames."

Kate- Can't answer that... I can feel her soft hand lifting me slowly... like a mom lifting a kid with a scraped knee on the playground... fuck that's humiliating! Why did I have that comparison in mind... humiliating... but...

Cherry- "You're not little "Canari" anymore are you Katou?"

Kate- "Don't call me that... not a kid anymore..."

Cherry- "Right, see! She would have accepted my help and asked for it while crying in my arms. That day, she died thoroughly. But you, you were born, a phoenix came out from her own ashes. Proud, distant, powerful. You ain't taking shit from nobody. You're a bird of prey flying in the sky, not a helpless little bird in a cage, destined to die at the smallest fart... *Hug*

Kate- Awkward silence... a hug, want to run, but, I don't know... feels... calming somewhat, better than that free app at least. Weird, 'm not a nervous wreck anymore. Don't remember when was the last time...

"Mom... I'm home."