– Karla’s Diary, entry #762 –
Dear Diary,
Today marks the second year anniversary of our greatest adventure, the battle against the (admittedly not so great) Rhuna. Life has been turbulent!
WE HAVE BEEN NEGLIGENT IN WRITING THIS.
Which is why I’m doing it now. Thank you, Justice.
THAT IS MY NAME YES. I AM JUSTICE. WRITING IS TIRING.
You just have to practice more. Where was I? Oh, right.
Elia has invited me out on a date and – no, wait, everything in order.
So, two months ago we slew the the dreaded mole-king of Hillsville, which I was informed was a place of little import, so I won’t mention it further. He was digging through the tomato patches that were finally bearing fruit, and I knew how much Elia loved those. The way she disemboweled him with his own claw sends shivers down my spine every time I think of it.
I think I may have a thing for violent women, which would be great if I wasn’t still compelled to act proper due to my status as a princess. Apparently, just being girlfriends is not enough to have a love life, and I can’t seem to find a priest alive (or unalive) who can legally marry us for our convenience.
Whoever holds the greater shard of royalty, I will find you, and I will do terrible things to you.
JUSTICE! JUSTICE FOR THE LOVE-LIFE!
After saving the hidden tomato patch, we were ambushed by a number of icky dudes, knights dripping tar that were also of little import. They gave some nice souls though. With those, Elia and I bought each other gifts. I gave Elia a hairpin with a pink flower that blooms eternally. She gave me a beautiful dagger with a green oval gemstone set in its hilt. I love it so much I have sketched it below.
The following week, we planned a picnic in a grove overgrown with moss and flowers. Rye was with us this time, and as much as I am thankful for her ardent romantic support of my eternally dense girlfriend, she really killed the mood when she was eaten by a tree.
She got better, after Elia and I promised to help fund another of uncle Kasimir’s puppet bodies. Unlike Elia and I, she didn’t wander outside of the pact often, and as a result was not very wealthy in souls. Apparently, she just sleeps a lot and stares wistfully into the distance these days.
BROTHER DREAMING DEMANDS MUCH EFFORT OF A POOR VESSEL.
Okaaay… anyhoo, we were ambushed again by a number of knights with wings later that day, but we fought them off. I gained a so-called ‘traumatic brain injury’ in the process, but in my opinion, it was not very traumatic as I don’t remember it at all.
That has pretty much been my life for the past year or two. It’s mostly Elia and me going on little adventures, sometimes accompanied by one of her many friends. I have accepted that even those of them who don’t fear me will never like me as much as her. Just having one good friend in the world is enough for me.
And yet… I worry. I worry on the days that Elia wakes up next to me covered in cold sweat. I worry as Rye spends more and more time in her dreamland. I worry as every time they pass each other in the corridor, they seem to have less and less to say to each other.
At least the weather is working again, though I really wish it wouldn’t be. Rain is overrated. One time is enough, but every day clouds rise and fall, bringing with them muck and the taste of ash.
I TIRE. THE MEPHISTO BRATS HAVE SOILED OUR GOOD NAME YET AGAIN. I REQUIRE THAT YOU SNEAK RATS INTO THEIR ROOM POST HASTE.
And there, duty calls. I can’t say I’ll ever tire of the pranks, not with Elia’s endless well of dastardly ideas. I wonder what she’ll surprise me with tomorrow? Are we going on a romantic tour down the blood-red streams of Yorivale? Will we carouse at the edge of the world, chucking bricks off as far as we can?
Only time will tell.
This is Karla, princess in name, but knight errant is my game, signing off.
Until next time!
***
The world did not end on a ‘tomorrow’. It didn’t the day after, nor the day after that. Apocalypses rarely arrived on time, nor were they as obvious as the meteor that wiped out the dinosaurs. As Elia was coming to understand them, they came with a creeping silence, heralded only by the small failures that everyone liked to overlook until it was too late.
I didn’t tie my boots right, she thought as she hopped over a flaming chain as thick as her torso. And this swamp-air is killing my hair.
The swamp was a great place for finding something worth good souls. It was also a good place for finding whatever horrors decided that they particularly enjoyed the smell of butt each morning.
The chain continued its arc, smashing into a tree twice as wide. The tree exploded, water turning to vapor as the shredded remains instantly burst into flames.
Parrying that is out of the question.
One look at her companion showed that Karla knew it, too. She had discarded the great tower shield she had looted from some guy called a bridge keeper. With the jagged edge of her short-sword-sized dagger, she pressed her luck, advancing until she wound up standing right in front of the demon.
Karla only reached up to its knee. That didn’t keep her from tearing open its calf. But this was a demon, and in Elia’s experience, they reacted to pain with the same speed and care as the average tree. Worse, the only thing the slash did was make it bleed even more fire.
You have challenged: Depths watcher demon
This demon was some horrid amalgamation of animal parts, it’s left side was that of a bat, it’s right the side of a bipedal goat, and its back sported a frill like a Spinosaurus. Elia watched the fire mix with the surrounding swamp water and turn into steam.
She had picked up fulminations as a hobby, as the three scrolls she had gifted Camille had made the rounds after being copied. Most everyone in the pact with the reservoir to cast enjoyed at least one useful spell from this source. The only thing Elia could cast so far was one simple spell. Watching the demon pour more flame out than she ever could by simply bleeding all over filled her with an indignant feeling.
Maybe I should keep to what I’m good at. Hobbies are supposed to be fun, not blow up in your face.
Elia ducked under another swipe of the chain, then propelled herself into the air with her newly empowered [Frog leap].
[Body] Frog leap [Uncommon] [Endurance] [Control] [Iron] [Travel] [Empty Socket]
Through heritage or affinity, you have gained the ability to jump like a frog. Your legs transform upon command into ones akin to a frog, allowing you to leap great distances. Too great, sometimes. Overconfidence is a fast and insidious killer.
Distance scales with strength, accuracy with finesse, recharge rate with constitution. Repeated use tires you out faster, but no longer leads to cramps, with the scaling costs reduced by constitution. You have some control over your body while airborne, scaling with finesse. While jumping, you may choose to harden your stance, increasing your tenacity, scaling with tenacity. You can charge your jump to propel yourself further than before, scaling with strength.
She was keeping the last essence slot empty in case she found a perfect fit. Essences couldn’t be removed from a boon once integrated, which meant if she screwed hers up, she would have to dump what was quickly becoming one of her most useful boons.
The demon swiped its single winged arm, sending a hot gust towards Elia, but not much else.
It was also, surprise surprise, perpetually on fire. Just getting near it had singed Elia’s hairpin, which she had promised Karla to take good care of. If they killed this demon only for Karla to end up sad, then this whole date-thing was a bust anyways.
This demon was a tricky one.
Fire did not damage it, and by the strained look on Karla’s face the liquid fire didn’t count as blood in the traditional sense. It couldn’t run, hobbling on its uneven feet, but even then it was twelve feet large and it didn’t care much about the one-foot-deep swamp.
Before she could run down a tangent, she spotted something in between the trees.
Three – no, four people, not running away from the twelve foot demon, like sane people would. Wait, does that mean that I’m insane? No, insane people don’t second guess themselves. Or was that stupid people? Anyways, they’ve breached line of sight – aaand, that spell is not directed at the demon.
“Karla, company!” she yelled. “Plan D!”
Prompting Karla was almost unnecessary, as they had both done this kind of scenario to death. She circled around the demon, the spell hitting it as she put it in between herself and the attackers. Continuing her assault, she never committed so much she couldn’t pull out, and always kept to the precepts of initiative, range, and speed.
A single tear left Elia’s eyes. She was so proud.
But Elia was still falling, and for some of them that proved an easier target.
She twisted out of the way of a thin arrow of golden light and a round shield one of the intruders threw at her like a frisbee. Like a cat that had just found interesting prey, she readied to land and pounce on the weakest link when out of the corner of her eye, she saw the shield returning on a curved path towards her.
It donked her across the head just as she hardened her stance with an air-kick [Frog leap]. The hit didn’t hurt, but due to the imparted momentum sent her spiraling through the tree line. She landed in the muck with a wet splorp, then dug herself out of the bog with another quick hop.
If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.
You have been challenged by: Otis, Hannah, Nathan, and Erik
That’s a new one. I wonder which of us these guys are after this time.
“For the bountyyy!” the guy who threw the shield yelled.
Figures.
Elia settled into a crouch before propelling herself forward like a demented cat. She arrived in the middle of them and stabbed the archer with her summoned gauntlet.
[Body] Left Gauntlet of the Viper [Uncommon]
Conjure the left gauntlet of The Viper of Viln, a famed assassin who is said to have killed in the name of his profane god. The fingers of this gauntlet are fashioned into claws, each coated in a numbing poison. The poison recharges between summons. Summoning the gauntlet causes physical exhaustion.
The archer’s body parted too easily around her hand, and instead of a prick, she accidentally punched straight through and out the other side.
Oops. Not a lot of tenacity.
The remaining three turned to her within seconds.
“Nathan!” the mage yelled as her two companions turned to jump on her.
They are coordinated and have boons though.
One of the remaining guys, a man with double daggers and a deeply shadowed hood hiding his face, jumped to intercept her, trailing a trio of translucent afterimages.
But they look pretty undead, and their armor is slapdash.
He overextended and when he dodged back, he got one good look at the claw marks drawn along his arm before falling over, stiff as a board.
They’re not on fire, not dripping of tar, not winged and pretentious looking nor groaning like Shawn of the Dead set-dressing.
An icy orb of frost missed her by inches, then suddenly exploded mid air as if on command. The bite of icy cold blasted her flank, but what would have been enough to debilitate even a grown man only discomfited Elia. The summoned gauntlet on her other hand helped a lot as well.
[Body/Spirit] Right Gauntlet of the Cobra [Uncommon]
Conjure the right gauntlet of The Cobra of Viln, a famed assassin who is said to have hunted those who dared worship profane gods.
The fingers of this gauntlet are fashioned into flat pads, each capable of weakening a spell by prematurely releasing its influences back to the sky-sea above. As a side effect, the free reservoir refills the wielder’s reservoir. Summoning the gauntlet causes physical exhaustion, overfilling your reservoir leads to physical damage.
Elia had just traded this boon for her rare but quite useless boon [Maya’s far-reaching Adjulations], and boy was it handy. Elia pointed at the timid girl clutching her staff with a grin.
“Hey, I know that spell!”
She caught the shield bash of her heavily armored friend with one hand and slapped him across the face so hard she expected the demon to lodge a noise complaint. But Karla was doing great by hogging all its attention, and the guy did a triple twirl before landing face first in the muck, unconscious.
Since they’re not openly flying the colors of any faction I do know, that begs the question: Who are they?
The mage-girl took a hesitant step back as Elia dropped her final ally to the ground.
“So, Hannah, have you considered surrendering?”
The girl whimpered. She pointed her staff at Elia and began casting a spell. Elia was half tempted to see if she could parry it when she realized that the girl hadn’t cast the calm sign, not once. The air was filled with miscast potential and just as Elia jumped forward and slapped the spell out of existence, something took notice.
A bird beak flickering in a thousand colors poked through from the sea above the sky.
“HeLlOo~,” it crowed, eying the errant conjurer with its triple iris. “TrEaT??”
Elia slapped it too. Her [Right Gauntlet of the Cobra] exploded into shrapnel. Her arm did too, which, considering how anything from up there was made entirely of magic, was fair.
Thankfully, the bird-thing got the message.
“RuDe…,” it crowed, and disappeared back from whence it had come.
Elia sighed in relief, acknowledged that she was in immense pain yet again, and decided to ignore it. She threw one eye at the girl, who was now absolutely splattered in blood. She must not have noticed what she was clearing out of her eyes, because otherwise, she would have fainted. She was already shivering due to a slew of other reasons.
“I’m confiscating that.” She said, yoinking the girl’s staff. She didn’t look experienced enough to cast without a focus, not like some other genius Elia knew. “No more spells.”
Hannah barely registered what Elia was saying.
“W-what was that?” the girl asked. “What did you do?”
She doesn’t even know about miscast creatures.
“Eldritch bird thing. Slapped it.” Elia took a sip from her plastic bottle, her arm regrowing in front of her eyes. “Should have stress-tested my boon before doing that.”
Hannah goggled at her, eyes switching hesitantly between her friend with the gut injury and the bottled panacea.
Elia rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah, I’ll heal him.”
She walked right past the hulking figure rising above the burning treetops, and shoved the bottle into the man’s mouth.
“T-the demon!” Hannah yelled. She tackled Elia, but due to the difference in tenacity and strength, slammed against her as if she were a sturdy tree.
Elia turned only to watch the giant demon collapse in on itself. Karla stood victoriously on top of it, the fading licks of ember lighting her silhouette from below.
You have slain: Depths watcher demon
You have gained: Soul x15,000
“Elia! I did it!” she said as she skipped and hopped down, embracing Elia in what felt like a ten-ton hug, and whispered into her ear. “What do we do with these people?”
“Hell yeah!” Elia said, rubbing her hair as she twirled her around, then whispering back. “We leave. You gather the loot, I distract.”
“Wait, you two aren’t evil?” the girl asked.
Elia and Karla looked at each other for a moment. Then, they laughed.
“Look at you, miss bloody princess, your reputation precedes you even in this swamp.”
“I think not. I think they are referring to you, my murderous little lootbug.”
“Fair and true. But I am angry that they would dirty your reputation, after all the quests we did to make it better.”
“Oh, they’re just silly people who don’t know better. And you more than paid them back.”
Karla bobbed her head as they separated, and went back to ‘make sure’ that the demon really was dead. Elia turned to their ambushers, an exaggerated smile parting her face.
“So, introductions are in order I guess. I’m Elia, that’s Karla, and you’re the little shits that just ruined our date.”
“D-date?” Hannah asked, pointing between the two of them. “But you’re both girls.”
“And?”
“And, and… and what were you doing in the swamp, fighting a demon? Is that your idea of a date?”
Elia nodded. “Yep. Karla loves social work, and I love doing what I’m best at. Every few weeks we set out on an adventure to clear certain areas of pests or things that might become a threat.” Someone yelled a battlecry behind her. Elia turned around, smacked the armored guy who had just gotten up, then turned back before he fell over again. “Which brings me to my point: Are you guys a threat?”
“Are we a threat?” Hannah asked.
“I don’t know, are we?” the archer echoed as the armored guy fell on top of him.
“Not if you didn’t take my souls. Did you take mah souls?”
“Take your souls? No, we–” the girl’s eyes went wide as she saw what was likely her soul which had gone up by 15,000. She looked uncomfortable in all the ways a person could. “Oh my god, we are so, so sorry.”
Elia laughed. Gods, this was the weirdest ambush they had foiled yet. “Keep them. In exchange, tell me who sent you.”
The girl nervously fidgeted in place. “We were just wandering about. Erik said he had found an, a… quest-giver? Something nerdy like that. He found us a quest to slay a great evil and…” The girl groaned. “Erik, you idiot.”
They watched as the armored man got up, again, and the archer stood up just to slap him across the cheek. Then, the hooded rogue walked up and slapped him as well. Then Hannah walked up and just stared at him for a solid minute.
Then, she exploded. “You fucking idiot! You absolute monkey! Erik, you almost got us killed! You and your stupid, conveniently timed tips, and hints from who-knows-where. This isn’t a video-game, this is real-flipping-life!”
She delivered such a chewing-out that he looked as if he would have preferred another dozen slaps. Elia and Karla watched the display, mildly bemused as they slowly backed away.
“You voted me as leader, so I – Ow– took it into my – Ow – my own hands to – Ow – stop hitting me!”
“I will hit you as many times as it takes to get this into that thick skull of yours: This. Is. Not. A. Game.” Huffing, she turned to the rest of her group. “I vote that Erik shouldn’t be leader anymore.”
“You’ve got my vote,” said the archer, still poking at his wound in disbelief. “Anything that keeps us from fighting the people who can punch through my gut gets my vote.”
The rogue paused, then nodded.
“Guys, come on, this time the hint was legit.”
“Too bad. From this day forward, you have lost your leader privileges.” She whirled around to where Elia and Karla had been just a moment ago, but they were gone. “And where the heck did they go!?”
***
The swamp near Glenrock castle was a great place for losing people, almost as great as it was for farming souls, or hunting for meat.
“Weren’t those just the most adorable assassins we’ve had so far?” Karla asked as they sneakily made their way back to Crossroad Temple.
Elia quirked an eyebrow. “Even more adorable than the rat men?”
“That comparison isn’t fair. Rats are cute as heck, what with their little noses sniffling around and booping into things–”
“Did you get the loot?”
Karla nodded, showing Elia a satchel of shards.
You have gained: Bone shard [Common] x14, [Uncommon] x9
“No greater soul, no grail shard.”
“Not even a rare,” Elia sighed. “Sorry, I interrupted you. You were saying?”
“Well, they looked new and entirely out of their depth.” She threw a glance back where they’d come from. “Do you really think we should leave them?”
“Pshh, they’ll be fine, as long as they stay out of the deep swamp. And the bits where the bog turns black as tar. And the upper crypts, lower crypts, flooded crypts, big-bog bridge, deep chasm, long father’s church–”
“So, you don’t care if they die?” Karla tilted her head. “That’s pretty evil.”
“They’re undead. You’re undead. I’m undead. It’s not the end of the world. Everyone has to learn how to die someday!”
“That sounds like something an evil person would say.”
“I’m not – wait, are you sassing me?” Elia turned to see Karla putting on her innocent-as-rain face. “I will tickle you.”
“N-no. I’m a princess. You wouldn’t dare lay your hands on me.”
“Oh, I would dare,” Elia said as she closed in until they were face to face. Her suave approach was slightly hindered by the fact that Karla was now half a head taller than her, courtesy of swapping out one of her uncommon souls for a rare one with more strength. But what she didn’t have in height, Elia made up for with physical presence and pure confidence. “And you know what… else I would do?”
Karla’s breathing hitched as she let the question linger. After a moment of meeting her eyes, she turned away. “A-alright, you win. Let’s… continue this when we both don’t smell like swamp.”
“Agreed.”
Elia watched with satisfaction as Karla tried to strut along all fancy-like, trying and failing to hide her grin and beet-red face. Elia had to admit, she loved making Karla squirm, especially since the roles were usually reversed.
Two points to five in her favor today. I’m getting better at this, I think. Or maybe all that exercise just got her blood pumping.
They were almost out of the swamp when disaster struck.
“You didn’t tie your boots off,” said Karla.
“Crap.” Elia yelped as liquid swamp poured over the top of her left boot. “Crap, crap, crap.”