Lim was having a nice dream, frolicking through fields of grass that were still green, climbing trees and throwing rotten apple-lemons at the neighboring kith’s kits. In the waking world she was Lim, cursed to forever guard a mound of dead rocks but here she was still Lim, but different, but better. A Lim that hunted rabbits and other small game with her brother while chasing rays and whistling things in the sun. She was still far away in dreamland when a rock crashed through the window and knocked the pleasant lie from her head.
She scrambled to a stand, knocking over chairs and causing general chaos as she tore across the room in a frantic blur. It was the only reasonable reaction. After calming down, she found the rock and the note attached to it.
She unfurled it. She gave it a look. Lim couldn’t read, but this reeked of a certain kind of audacity. The stabby woman was back.
Lim still didn’t understand how the rebounds happened, but she did understand that the woman’s death’s were the cause and that unlike other undead she didn’t have to wait to wake back up again, or worry whether she would still have a body after she died. What a strong boon. The more she thought about it, about all the implications, the more her head ached and an unwelcome feeling gnawed at her heart.
‘Bleh, thinking hard.’
The woman was bound now, by oath and promise. She was her chance, her chance to be free, to leave accursed Loften and never look back. Of course, her own oath still required some appeasing. It demanded she defend the castle from attackers. It was stupid and stinky and not at all smart.
With a groan and a stretch, she limbered up, gathered her scarce belongings, a Valti-statuette among them and headed down the tower. In mood for a prank, she slipped on her favorite cat-ring and stalked towards stabby-Elia. Her steps made not a single sound, her passing did not disturb the air. A wondrous gift. Pim was the best brother she could ask for.
Her oath loved the way she prowled, the way she snuck up from behind. Now, stab the girl in the neck. Kill her.
But would that stop her? No, no it would not. The oath rankled under the contradiction of a death that would not matter, but she knew how to talk to it. What did ‘defend’ mean? Was she really attacking the castle, was she not just passing through? True, she ought to prevent her from setting foot in it in the first place, but Lim had tried her best and her best had not been enough. If she could not prevent the stabby girl from ascending further, what could she do then?
‘Stall’ was her answer. Play games. Fair games, unfair games, winner-loser games and ones for simple fun. If the girl lost a single one, Lim would kill her. If she won, she would think of a different game. She scratched her neck and the oath ducked under the surface once more.
The stabby woman jumped quite a bit when she blew into her nape, and Lim casually backstepped the swing of her long knife. She grinned as she undid the ring, knowing that the woman could have killed her, but didn’t. It was her fault for not being attentive enough and Lim’s conceit for getting too close. Pride, oh what a terrible vice.
It was a draw. How tragic.
“The f-heck, you’ve got a stealth boon?”
“Meow?” Everyone was entitled to their secrets, but that she didn’t know about cat-rings came as a surprise. Magical rings like them were everywhere if you just knew whose corpse to loot. Evidently, the stabby-Elia was more proficient in stabbing than in smarts.
“Oh. Well, did you at least read my message?” she asked.
Lim stared at her with a blank expression, before pointing to the bruise on her forehead.
“Ah, sorry ‘bout that. You did read the plan, right?”
No? What plan? The stabby woman was not right in the head, clearly, but Lim would forgive her because she brought a dragon chicken with her. Lim loved dragon chickens, especially the plump ones. They made funny wheezing noises whenever she shot them.
“Is food?” she said, pointing at the scaled thing haughtily eyeing her up and down. “Eat meow or later?”
“What? No, no he’s here to help. Isn’t that right, Theodore?” She had given the tasty food a name, like a kit that didn’t know how meat came on the table. Somehow, that didn’t surprise Lim. She’d learn. An undead who still remembered the taste of food could never bear to live on water and souls alone. Until then, she could really take on some better grooming habits. Undead didn’t have to smell like corpses.
Lim scrunched her nose. “Am here. Talk now, stinky.”
“Sure, whatever you say catper– I mean, Lim.”
“Not stinky.” Lim was not about to be out-respected.
“Alright. We need to get your brother, Pim, and for that, need to go all the way to the top of the upper keep. The place is crawling with dregs and goopy knights. Thing is, smoking them out just kicked the hornet’s nest and now they’re all in a tizzy. Clear so far?”
“Yes meow.” Knights bad. Kill the knights, save Pim.
“Well, the dregs and goop lords focused themselves on the top floors of the keep. Something – someone, rather, is holding them together. I was thinking the following–“
For the most part of the plan, Lim was spaced out. It was just so boring and stabby Elia was talking so much. Blah blah, lure them out, blah blah, shoot them all, blah blah bleh. At least the shooting part would be fun. Elia promised a lot of targets.
Oh, she had just the idea, they could make a game of who killed more! Yes, yes, the goop knights weren’t friends of the castle, they didn’t count! Now, how many points were they all worth?
The dreg soldiers were simple, squishy even, though that didn’t make them any less fun to shoot. They made up for that in numbers, crunchy little bites like prawn. One point. The slave knights were more like lobsters, challenging especially since they weren’t even undead-alive, just goop and bones. It was downright boring if they didn’t bleed. Six points. What of their leader, the talking one? Oh, she couldn’t wait to squish her arrows through the puppeteer’s visor, cut his limbs, and watch him fall. What sound would he make? What would it feel like?
One hundred points.
Shivers made their way up her spine and for a moment she interrupted stabby-Elia’s fourth retelling of the plan with a purr. They both looked at each other, Lim with the blankest of blank faces.
“Are you like in heat or something…?”
“Shut.” Embarrassing. She looked down at the woman and her armory of knives, forks and occasional spoons strapped to her chest. Poor choices for fighting and worse yet, the silverware clattered against her armor like an army of chimes even while she was barely moving. “Bad weapon.”
Elia the stabberific cocked an eyebrow. “You wanna test that claim?”
Of course she would, it was her brother on the line, not stabby Elia’s. She better have gotten some rest as well or so help Valti she would gut her like a flounder.
They settled into their respective stance near the healing water bowl. Stabby Elia pulled out her magical stick and the knife as she hocked a respectable loogie off the side of the large wall. Lim pulled out her twin shortswords and did the same, though hers did not fly as far. A point for the stabby woman. Even if she lost this, the points would be even. Lim could let loose.
Lim let her make the first move, confident that she could dodge. The long knife missed her legs and the spell she was casting was too slow to matter. Lim retaliated with her two shortswords in a snakebite stab down, eager to finish it quickly. One carved a line along the woman’s armor – boo, what a bore! – and the other was caught in the knife’s crossguard, locking up one weapon on both of them.
Lim had her now. With her free hand she was just about to stab her through the neck when she felt the world turn and tumble. Next thing she knew, she was on the ground, staring up at a smug stabby Elia holding a spoon to her neck.
Did she just… get thrown over the smaller woman? And why was the spoon drawing blood?
“Give up yet?”
Another point for stabby.
Lim grumbled. Scary. But not as scary as Rhuna. Thinking about her made her ears fall flat and hairs stand on end. It would be over soon. Once she had Pim, Rhuna’s wrath wouldn’t find her ever again. She’d make sure to run to a place far away from every water bowl.
Maybe she would return to that sunny place, to home?
Yes. Maybe they would.
----------------------------------------
The plan as far as Elia was concerned was in full motion the moment she stepped away from the bowl of respite, leaving Lim and Theodore to prepare their little killbox. She herself had things to do and for that, she was now inside the upper keep, causing a moderate amount of mayhem. Moderate by her standards was of course close to pandemonium.
Elia tumbled down a stairway, gathering an impressive collection of bruises before she hit the floor level. She turned her roll into a frantic scramble just in time to feel the clatter of a ravening horde hit the ground right behind her.
Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.
OH MY GOSH, THERE ARE SO MANY!
Elia concurred. Maybe she shouldn’t have lit their castle on fire. The oily film was a bit too cooperative in that regard, but instead of having the knights suffocate or burn to a crisp as she had hoped, the entirety of the garrison was smoked out of their dull patrols and soon enough had zeroed in on her as the resident troublemaker who did not belong.
The door outside was close ahead, blocked by a burning wooden beam. She would have to find another way, then turn around and deal with the horde the moment they got out.
Eliaaa, please tell me you planned for this!
“Of course I did.” She lied as naturally as she died, flattening against a window that did not break like in the movies, but simply cracked her skull. The horde followed and before she could grunt a curse, the crush of bodies suffocated any chance at oratory retaliation.
At least she could get her souls and sundry right back. Most of her route though would require extensive… optimization.
You have died
You have lost: Soul x15766
You have lost: Bone shard [Common] x5, [Uncommon] x3
----------------------------------------
Setting a fire was easy enough, as was breaking the window beforehand. This time, everything went smoothly, up until a crossbow bolt caught her in the ankle.
“FFFFF–”
L-language!
“–UUDGE!”
W-wait, you actually listened. Hooray!
Elia toppled over, ten feet from the exit as a coiled conch exploded against her chest.
NOOOO!
There were just too many undead in this keep. At least above thirty, not counting the knights. For every small thing she did differently, one or two of them were not going to be where she expected them.
‘Slow and steady. Slow and… steady.’
You have died
You have lost…
----------------------------------------
Elia caught the coiled conch and threw it over her shoulder, slowing the horde down for the split second it took her to parry the bolt – fail, then continue on with it sticking through her forearm. She shot the dreg a deathglare.
Red helmet, yellow doublet, long hair. A target she would be glad to personally discombobulate later.
Powered by a healthy helping of spite, she jumped past shattered glass and out into the courtyards. Immediately, the undead at her back ate an arrow as she tactically hobbled to where Lim had set up a barricade made up of every barrel, crate, and overturned stone bench they could find.
Elia hastily scrambled up and over the barricade where Theodore the scaled chicken watched over the battle like some Napoleon-esque general, only he was missing a hat. Their eyes met briefly, and he gave her an understanding nod before letting out a mighty battle-caw.
“Something is really wrong with the animals in your world, Rye.” Elia whispered as she staggered to the bowl of respite right behind.
What do you mean? Chickens are smart.
She tore the bolt from her foot and drank deeply from the well of healing water. “And they all breathe fire, as is commonly known.”
Of course not, only the males do. Elia, how do you think we would even raise a horde of a hundred firebreathers? Sometimes you have the silliest Ideas.
Of course. Because she was the one being unreasonable.
She returned to the barricade to douse her simmering annoyance in the flames of violence as the tide of undead came close and closer. Lim let loose shot after shot at the variably armored undead, taking advantage of an abandoned nearby arrow stock of a good twenty bundles of twenty arrows each.
The horde thinned, but pressed on nonetheless, not in the least due to a knot of preachers casting spells that shone in muddied golden colors on their compatriots. Every affected dreg was flung into a frenzy, but the culprits remained safe behind a slowly advancing wall of dreg soldiers with tower shields.
“I’ll deal with those on the right.” Elia grabbed for her staff, but barely had she finished the sentence when a mighty caw drew her attention, followed by a wave of flames which set the formation alight.
The dregs howled, casting away their shields in primal fear, but a second roar of fire shot from the cockorel’s mouth and washed over them, torching the lion’s share of preachers slinging buffing spells.
“Uh, nevermind then. You do you, little flamethrower chicken.”
Lim leaned over and yelled into her ear. “IS GOOD CHICKEN MEOW! CAN BUY?”
W-what? No, Theo is not our chicken, he’s our friend. Tell her that Elia.
Elia gave a shrug. “Sorry, Rye says no. She kinda imprints on anything and anyone these days.”
Hey!
“WHAT?” Lim asked as she picked off a few stragglers as of yet untouched by flame and arrow.
“She’s a person I share my body with. Say hi, Rye.” After a moment’s hesitation, Rye waved with the staff–arm. “She’s new to this whole killing and undead stuff, but she’ll learn. Even surprised me once or twice so far.”
I… oh beans, well now that she knows the cat’s out of the bag. Wait… I made a joke! Elia, look, I did it!
Elia chuckled, waving off a confused cat person. Battle was at hand and as the initial storm of dregs subsided, movement and colors behind the tinted glass caught their attention. The knights were coming, but Elia wouldn’t give them a chance to leave their keep unmolested.
The moment the first coat of arms appeared in the doorway, Elia ordered Rye to cast her spell skywards. The knight blocked two arrows aimed for his neck and joints and Lim swore in a language neither of the two understood. Within five clanking steps a missile of pure ice accelerated by a hundred-foot freefall crashed into him, turning his head and helmet concave.
It would have instantly killed a normal human. Instead, the knight staggered as black puss leaked from his visor. He would have raised his shield in time, had the second shot domed him in the exact same place moments after.
“Double headshot! Accurate, marksman, plus 200 points for theory and execution. Gold for Rye!”
They aren’t human! They aren’t human. They aren’t. M-monsters. Demons. Fiends.
Elia laughed. “Now you’re getting it. Better watch out goop knights, here comes Rye, master wizard extraordinaire!”
Y–you’re making me blush, Elia.
Two more knights stepped over the corpse of their fellow. Elia’s confidence evaporated as first two, then three more, then five for a total of ten followed out the keep, a smattering of bright colors on their coats of arms dampened under years of grime.
In that moment, it all clicked. The gates were not closed to keep people out from Loften, but to keep them from joining this legion of tar and bones. Was this whole shtick of undead traveling to Loften made up, was the attendant in on the ploy to turn people into a legion of goop knights? It was more likely that the attendant didn’t know. She would definitely ask some pointed questions later.
“We’re in a quarantine zone.” Elia shook her head. “Alright, this is it. The faster we kill these knights, the easier taking out their leader is gonna be.”
It was easier said than done. All but one of the dreg knights had shields of some variety, but Elia and Lim released bolt after bolt, arrow after arrow, nonetheless. They managed to take down three more before they reached the barricade and made short work of climbing over or around.
As it turned out, the smiling knight wasn’t the only one with a boon. A knight with purple heraldry and a beaky helmet waved his glowing mace and a wave of vertigo washed over the trio, causing Theodore to dip down dangerously mid flame-gout, torching their own barricade. Before they knew what hit them, a sleet storm expanded out from a small red knight until it enveloped them all, buying the charging knights additional seconds to close in for the kill.
“Fucking. MAGIC! Agh, just die already!” Elia yelled.
“WHAT?” Came from Lim’s side as she snuck an arrow through a knight’s visor at point blank range.
As much as Elia would have liked to act on it, the knights didn’t let her.
“Come.” A wet voice reached out from behind the blinding storm and before Elia could react, her body threw itself onto the weapons of the remaining enemies.
You have died
You have lost: Soul x20113
You have lost: Bone shard [Common] x5, [Uncommon] x3
----------------------------------------
Elia woke up next to the bowl like before, somewhat satisfied with their progress. Sure, her heart was racing a hundred miles an hour and the feeling of getting close to that… that mind-controlling freak was the worst of its kind, but that was alright. He was out there among his enthralled slave knights and he was afraid of upfront confrontation like all manipulators. They could win if they played their cards well.
An angry Lim came scrambling down the tower ladder, Elia knew she was going to have to do some convincing that everything was going to plan.
“Hey Lim, I wanted to say–“
“STUPID!” Her voice warbled on a frequency Elia could only half feel through her bones, but half of the anger was enough to make her flinch. “STUPID! IDIOT! PEA-HEAD!”
“Woah, calm down. Everything’s fine, we can just try again.” Which would hopefully divert the bekki’s attention to someone who was preferably not Elia. She understood now why some people could think of them as creepy. Yes, they had cute fluffy ears, slitted eyes and behaved overall like giant cats, but the same could be said for the giant non-human felines of the earth. Most people would have a very opinion-changing experience if a cougar or a lion came up to roar in their faces.
Lim fished around for something in her ear before removing a waxen plug. “Is ear magic, meow. Make ear shield, me-ow. Simple. Easy.”
Oooh, that’s so smart! Always trust the lazy ones to come up with ingenious solutions. We even have some candles of our own, Elia.
“What?” Elia looked down at the wad of wax.
“EAR SHIELD STUPID MEOW!”
“But, but this is so… easy.” She rummaged around for a candle, then applied the wax to her ears. “Ugh, I guess if it was good enough for the odyssey, it’s good enough for us. Alright. Time to invalidate a thousand hours of magic training with some good ol’ household ingredients.”
I think it isn’t learned magic, but a boon and probably an uncommon one given its strength and blatant weakness. The gods would never condone such magic to be spread. Gods, the lengths to which someone would desire to control another to get a boon as strong as that. Mortifying. You have my blessings to remove him.
“Any other tips, Lim?” Lim said something she didn’t understand. “What?”
“WHAT?”
“What?” Elia grinned a shit-eating grin as she saw Lim grow increasingly annoyed and pluck the wax stopper from her ear herself.
“Meow. Ear magic is word magic.” She nodded sagely. “Small word strong. Big word weak.”
“Alright, here’s to hoping he can’t just order us to ‘die’.” She looked around for the nearest barrels. They didn’t disappear after they were handled by her which was as odd as it was annoying. They had to rebuild their barricade again after every loop. “Though I’d guess he would have done so already.”
Unless he wants to take us prisoner.
Elia would rather not think about that. “While I doubt we’re gonna win the next one, I’ve got a good feeling about this.”
Who knows? Maybe this is your lucky day, maybe the gods shine on you now that you have righteous purpose.