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68 - Sharing Fears

Late in the evening, after they'd all cleaned up from dinner, Iris impatiently stared at her robe as it hung over a branch suspended between two makeshift tripods beside the fire. Various other garments hung from the branch, including her grey hat that hung from the stub that remained from a broken off twig. Only the occasional drop of water still fell from the leaves above to land on the tarp over their campsite.

It was getting late, and many adventurers across base camp were already settling in to sleep, including Titus and Autumn. Eli was on the edge of their site brushing Glimmer, who purred softly from somewhere below where her eagle-feathered neck transitioned to soft feline fur. Victoria was somewhere up above, having turned to mist and risen into the canopy to meditate.

Iris impatiently grabbed at her robe, feeling the dry warmth like meeting an old friend after years apart. She hurriedly, yet quietly, changed into her robe and hat, then blipped atop one of the roots that bordered their site. She looked back to make sure Eli hadn't noticed, then blipped again.

Once she was out of Eli's line of sight, she blipped to the ground and strolled casually through camp, nodding and smiling whenever she met eyes with other adventurers. She didn't know if it was necessary to sneak away from their campsite, she was simply going for a late night walk after all, but she didn't want to give Eli any extra chances to tell her what not to do.

She absentmindedly wandered through the camp, taking in all the sights and smells. Dozens of different meats and stews and other meals had been prepared all throughout the camp, some parties had even pooled their resources into massive potluck boils over bonfires, the aromas of which still lingered throughout the camp. The almost crowded ambiance from earlier had now dulled to the occasional quiet conversation that faded in and out as she walked by, sometimes an interjecting laugh echoed from somewhere across camp.

Sometime later, she found herself approaching the edge of the dense forest beyond base camp. The twisted, entangled canopy hung oppressively low to the ground, in stark contrast to the wide open gap between canopy and ground she had grown accustomed to. The trees were shorter and thinner, though still larger than any other species of tree she had seen before, and were triple in number compared to the larger redwoods.

The redwood forest in general had a feeling of being not-quite-outdoors, feeling more like an impossibly large terrarium with redwood walls all around and precious few scraps of sky to see, but here the feeling was so much worse. The roots of the crowded trees climbed over each other in a desperate battle for space that threatened to erase every inch of ground, and not far above them the dense canopy blocked out all light and stifled winds to a crawl. Iris imagined the sensations the dense woods gave her would not be dissimilar to an ancient dungeon labyrinth.

She imagined that somewhere out in the darkness was a spider the size of a townhouse, lurking silently in the trees waiting to feast on anything unlucky enough to encounter its web. She imagined a cluster of hateful red eyes, and massive fangs that dripped with venom. She thought back to the giant turtle they had encountered in the grasslands. She hadn't known what she was sensing at the time, but the power that her fledgling aura sense had felt emanating from that beast was the same power she later felt from the Hydra when it attacked the beach. It was a power older than anything she'd ever known, it was primordial and unknowable. Chills ran through her as she imagined the Matriarch would have that same power.

Fear crept up on her, knocking at a door deep within her mind, behind which she had banished it. It wasn't only fear of the Matriarch, or the Hydra, it was the fear of every challenge she had faced so far, and every challenge she would face in the future. Her heart rate quickened, and her arms tensed. She closed her eyes and tried to keep her breathing steady.

"Keep it together," she hissed at herself through gritted teeth.

She had no other option. This was her life now, and it was the life she had always wanted. She had always considered herself brave, but that had been against the mundane dangers of her quaint little valley. She wasn't brave enough to conquer the fears she faced now, and she knew it, so her only choice was to not let herself feel the fear at all. Eyes still closed, she settled into a rhythm of deep breaths, and her fists unclenched at her sides.

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"We should talk."

Iris yelped and blipped away, leaving a confused Eli standing alone in the dark, twisting around to search for her. She reappeared in front of him a moment later, slamming hammer fists into his chest.

"You dick!" she shouted.

"Whoa, whoa" he said, pushing away her strikes until she calmed, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sneak up on you."

Iris huffed, her breath once again heavy and panicked, "what do you want?"

"I told you," Eli turned to look out into the dark woods, "I want to talk."

"Alright," Iris said errantly, shaking the adrenaline out of her hands while her voice was still stressed, "go for it."

Eli gave Iris a moment to finish collecting herself, using the time to sort through his thoughts.

"I'm not going to kick you off the team," he began, "that was never the idea. It always would have been a vote if it came down to it, a vote that you probably would have won. But even that wasn't the idea. I just wanted to broach the topic with you -- of reconsidering if this is really what you want."

Iris side-eyed him, but didn't feel especially angry yet, "why?" she asked wearily, expecting his answer to change that.

He sighed, "because I'm scared."

Iris blinked. That wasn't the answer she had expected.

"My father was an adventurer," he began with a new breath, "and he was a leader. From the day I was born he raised me to be the same. I grew up on the road with him, stashed away at camp while he went out to slay monsters. His team was like a family to me, they might as well have been my aunts and uncles," his voice grew quiet and grave, "I was seven when they died in battle."

Iris's face fell, she spoke softly and hesitantly, "your father, too?"

"He lived," Eli said, his body was present but his mind was elsewhere, "he took me to Everveil, he said I would be safe there. He stayed for a while, helped me start my training with old friends of his, taught me what to expect from life and how to face the world. I'll always be grateful for those last few months with him, but--" He paused, swallowing a lump in his throat and steeling himself, "I saw what losing his party did to him. It was like someone reached in and crushed his soul with a fist. He would sit for hours, sometimes days, just staring at nothing. He was lost somewhere in his own mind. I think he was trying to figure out what he could have done differently, how he could have saved them."

They were both quiet for several long moments. Then Eli drew a sharp breath and shook away his memories, "I saw what that kind of guilt does to a man, and I don't want it to happen to me."

"I'm sorry," Iris said, "for everything you've been through, and for only thinking of myself."

"You're young, and you found yourself in a hell of a situation, I get it."

"That doesn't make it okay," Iris shook her head, "I'm scared too. I've spent my whole life dreaming of fighting monsters, but the thing about daydreams is that I'm always in control, I always live. Now that the monsters are real, I-- I don't know how else to face them except by believing I'll make it out alive. I guess if I don't, then it's not my problem anymore, you know? I never stopped to consider whose problem it would become."

"Autumn lives in that kind of world, too," Eli said, "it's how a lot of adventurers cope with danger. I guess the difference is that I've never questioned if Autumn can handle herself. But you-- I'm sorry, I just meant--"

"It's okay," Iris said, "I'm brand new and level 5, I get it."

"Can you just-- can you be a little less reckless?"

"Look, if I’m going to make it as an adventurer I need to get stronger,” Iris said, “a lot stronger, and I need to do it fast. The best way for me to do that is to win fights out of my league, and I can’t do that without taking risks. I can be less reckless about it, but I still have to prioritize my growth. I need you to understand that."

Eli was quiet for a moment, then drew in a breath and nodded, "okay, just promise me you’ll be careful. "

A pang of grief shot through Iris, and a pained smile crossed her face, “only if you can be a little less controlling."

Eli sighed and nodded, "that's gonna be tough, but I can try."

They were quiet for a moment, then Iris tilted her head, "how did you find me?"

"I followed your boot prints, it wasn't hard."

Iris looked back, for a short distance the only two pairs of prints were Eli's and her own, but the muddy paths that wound through camp were paved with layer after layer of overlapping tracks and footprints.

Iris gave Eli a suspicious, appraising look, "you're kind of scary, you know."