Chapter III

Year 11 of the reign of pharaoh Ramesses XI, 11th day of the first month of Shemu

Muwatalli’s campaign continued as he marched east, though not following the Dnieper anymore, as he headed right for the Donbas, where fighting with the Cimmerians continued. Nothing stood out for the KIA agents at first, until they received word that one of the Cimmerian chiefs was apparently surrendering and even offering his daughter as part of the tribute to Muwatalli, which was highly unusual. Cimmerians were a highly warlike people and surrender was not a usual occurrence, especially in this campaign. Even when it did happen, that was usually after a decisive battle which saw most of the best fighters of the tribe killed, while this chieftain surrendered before Muwatalli even entered his lands. Furthermore, while the Hittites took some Cimmerian women by force, same way as many Cimmerians had done with Hittite women back during the Hittite Civil War, it was rather taboo for Cimmerians to give their women to the enemy voluntarily. Thus, seeing how suspect this situation was, the KIA agents secretly snuck out of the camp to observe this exchange.

The agents saw the whole deal from start to finish, though it was not a very lengthy affair, as Muwatalli quickly agreed to it, shook hands with the chieftain, and went back to camp, together with his newly acquired female companion and chests full of loot, transported back by his soldiers. His secret observers headed back to camp as well to follow Muwatalli as far as they could and figure out a plan of what to do next.

“Well, I can rather certainly conclude that she is most definitely not Cimmerian,” Ithobaal said, as the agents were discussing their observations. “Either Mesopotamian, Elamite, Levantine, or Egyptian. But we can safely cross out the last two, as the five of us are all the Commonwealth citizens this side of the Euxine Sea.”

“Man, how do you even know that? She could very well pass for a Cimmerian. They populate a massive area and could be found as far south as Lullubum,” Shoshan replied.

“Respectfully, just because all of us whiteys look the same to you doesn’t mean that’s the reality.”

“Hey, your words, not mine. And I’m just saying, she doesn’t have any distinct non-Cimmerian features.”

“I know how to differentiate different peoples’ groups. Especially women. Believe me, I have some experience.”

“Reading all those smutty magazines you bought for half a shematy from Hathor’s Den hardly counts as experience,” Mehi said.

“That’s not-”

“Enough with this. Concentrate on the mission, people!” Neitheret interrupted them.

“Right. Sorry. Anyways, another thing is that she was speaking Hittite. Isn’t that suspicious? How many Cimmerians can speak the Hittite language?”

“Not many, I suppose,” Mehi said.

“So? Low chances that she is local, right?”

“But if one was to know the language, she would be a very useful spy for the Cimmerians.”

“Shit, you are right on that. So maybe this isn’t a surrender, and instead an attempt to infiltrate the camp.”

“Exactly my thoughts.”

“A spy for sure. But not for the Cimmerians,” Harsiamon said.

“Why not?” Ithobaal asked.

“Because she doesn’t speak Cimmerian. She did not speak a word of it. The exchange was completely in Hittite.”

“That is true, but why would anyone speak in Cimmerian in that meeting? Muwatalli couldn’t understand it,” Mehi said.

“Logically yes. But she did not speak a word to her supposed father or anyone else in the entourage. Nor was anything said to her. Humans tend to have some sort of goodbye talk before they are separated. Or so I’ve heard.”

“That’s… Yeah, I suppose you’re right.”

“So this supports my original theory that she is indeed an easterner!” Ithobaal said.

“An ECSS agent then?” Shoshan asked.

“Seems like it. Question is now, what do we do with her?”

“Commander?”

“Well, we need to get closer to them and see everything that goes on. Make sure she doesn’t do anything we don’t want her to,” Neitheret said.

“Ah, assassination prevention. Makes sense that the KIA would have some of such missions, to complement all our assassination missions. So is this the main goal that has been kept secret?” Ithobaal asked.

“I’ll explain everything later. Right now, focus on this exact task.”

“Right. Understood.”

“Ithobaal, Shoshan, and Mehi. You go up and keep an eye on the action. Harsiamon and I will stay here to make sure this isn’t used as some sort of diversion.”

“But-” Harsiamon began.

“Both of us are staying here.”

“You don’t think I should go with them?”

“No.”

“Well… Ah, that makes sense. Understood.”

“I thought it all through.”

“Of course.”

“We’re going then. And I’m taking my weapons, just in case,” Shoshan said as he and the other two assigned agents left to go to Muwatalli’s camp.

Meanwhile, Muwatalli returned to his tent, together with his female companion, and had his guards move all the chests of tribute there as well, before having them leave.

“Not often do I find locals here who can speak my language, much less women,” Muwatalli said. “How did you learn it?”

“Oh, I don’t know it that well as you might expect. But what I know I learned from the merchants visiting our settlement. You see, my father’s tribe lives near the sea and so we do some trading with your people. Sometimes Hittites come up north and sometimes our own sailors travel to your lands and learn some words in Hittite. They taught the language to my father, and he in turn taught me,” the woman humbly replied.

“I see. Well, I imagine the two of us will have a lot of fun, at least while I am on this campaign.”

“Of course. I’m very honored to be in the company of such a powerful man like yourself, an actual king.”

“Oh yes, I am as powerful as they come for sure. Those Cimmerian boys around you are nothing compared to me, and what I have down there,” Muwatalli snickered.

“I don’t doubt that.”

“Now, how about you show me your goods?” Muwatalli said as he got closer and started undressing her.

“I will… But first, I must show you something more important.”

“Why, what could be more important than these two glorious mounds?”

“I have a document for you, with some crucial information that you have to see now.”

Outside the tent, the three KIA agents had just arrived and tried to get inside, but were being blocked by the Hittite guards.

“Hey, back off, alright? I told you, let the king have some private time. You will have your turn to speak to him later,” one of the guards said.

“That’s the problem, there may not be a later,” Ithobaal said. “The woman who is in there with him is a threat!

Taken from Royal Road, this narrative should be reported if found on Amazon.

“A threat to his marriage, maybe,” a second guard laughed. “But that is not our business, and it isn’t yours either.”

“No, you don’t get it! She is an assassin sent by the Eastern Coalition Secret Service! She must be dealt with immediately.”

“We accounted for that possibility,” the first guard said. “We have it under control. She was checked for weapons, and Muwatalli knows how to take care of himself. Besides, we have the tent completely surrounded so we would be able to act momentarily if she tried anything.”

“She could be much faster than any of you,” Shoshan said. “It’s better to preemptively remove the threat.”

“Listen, back the fuck off, alright? You know how many Cimmerian whores he brought back to his tent during this campaign? How many was it, Hani?”

“Thirteen, at least. That’s how many I counted during my shift,” the second guard replied.

“That’s right. And how many of them attempted to assassinate our king? Zero. So stop trying to interrupt his fucking session, alright? He doesn’t like that.”

“I bet he wouldn’t like to be shanked either. This is just how it happened with Shilhak, you know? The guards turned away for a few moments, and the next second the emperor is dead,” Ithobaal said. “Do you want the same happening to Muwatalli?”

“Didn’t Shilhak die due to poisoning? Muwatalli isn’t going to be drinking anything right now.”

“Well, that’s… You don’t know what she could pull, alright? You gotta get her out!”

“No. You are the ones who should get the fuck out now.”

“Information? Well, I’ll take a look at it. But that will come later. No reason to interrupt our fun right now,” Muwatalli said as he continued touching the woman.

“No, you have to see it now!” she said as she backed away.

“Hey, the fuck is wrong with you? What’s your problem? What, you suddenly don’t want to fuck me anymore?”

“We’ll fuck, just look at this first, please,” she took a papyrus batch out of one of the chests and handed it to Muwatalli.

“What the fuck are you on about, woman?”

“Just read this. I’ll explain everything after that.”

“Well, fine. If you insist so much.”

Muwatalli took the documents and began reading through them. These were detailed plans of how the Commonwealth and the Mycenaean Confederation could invade Hatti if it was deemed necessary, with exact troop numbers, ships, naval and land routes, casualty projections, timeline, possible outcomes, and more. The king flipped through all the pages, as the woman put her clothes back on and awaited Muwatalli’s reaction. However, she did not get what she expected. Muwatalli, rather than being seriously concerned, began laughing and uncaringly threw the documents on his table.

“But those are-” the woman, now being rather confused, began.

“Ramesses’ invasion plans? Yeah, I know. I can read.”

“Doesn’t this… Concern you?”

“Not at all.”

“But…”

“But I get it now. You aren’t a Cimmerian. I fucked enough Cimmerian bitches, I know how they are. You are definitely not one. The Eastern Coalition sent you here, right? So that you would pose as a Cimmerian, get into my tent, and deliver these supposedly secret plans to me, right? Which, my best guess would be, you stole from some Egyptian official.”

“How we got them is irrelevant,” the ECSS agent composed herself. “We just want what’s beneficial for both our countries. The Egyptians are planning to betray you and invade your realm while you are away. You have a chance to prevent that, by joining us.”

“Oh sure, of course. I remember how Shilhak had the Hittite interests in mind. Look how that turned out. You motherfuckers have some fucking gall coming back here so soon.”

“The offer to join our alliance still stands, just like it always did. You know the OFK will betray you. You can either try to fight it alone, or allow us to help you.”

“You have no idea what you are talking about, do you? It’s hilarious actually. This shit?” Muwatalli pointed to the plans. “This means absolutely nothing to me. You have no idea what it is.”

“I think we do know what it is and what it implies.”

“No, no, no. You got me fucked up if you believe this changes anything in terms of my relationship to the OFK.”

A few years earlier…

“You are rebuilding your country nicely,” Ramesses XI, on his visit to Hatti for the occasion of Muwatalli’s marriage with an Amorite princess, said as he was feasting with Muwatalli. “A few more years and it will look like there was no civil war here at all.”

“Hatti is a resilient land, it will take more than a few years of tyranny by that bastard Hakkarpili to ruin it,” Muwatalli replied. “Of course, your loans certainly help.”

“Always ready to help an ally in need. Just as long as you use it for the right reasons.”

“Wait, you mean buying a thousand concubines and five quadruple heqats of Kushite weed was not the intended use of your money?”

Both kings laughed.

“But if we’re serious, it is really helpful,” Muwatalli said. “Can now afford to rebuild many forts, city walls, restructure the army so it could return to its proper state, build more housing for the people. Hatti will soon become a force to be reckoned with once again, like it always has been.”

“That’s good to hear. We need a powerful ally to counter the increasingly centralizing Eastern Coalition. Shilhak may be dead, but Lim is sure continuing his work as rapidly as ever,” Ramesses said.

“Indeed. Will have to go back to drawing plans for invading the east. And maybe even countries like Alashiya.”

“Why?”

“Who knows, what if they turn to the EC, right? Must be prepared for such scenarios.”

“That is true. We have to be prepared for all possibilities. You are a trustworthy ally, but what if one of your successors turns to the EC? We would have to take action.”

“I understand that, brother. If one of my successors allied himself with those eastern snakes, I would expect nothing less than for you Egyptians to kick his ass out and allow someone more competent and freedom-loving to take the throne. But trust me, no son of mine would ever be such a traitor.”

“I am sure of that, my friend. You are a great man, and your wife is a beautiful and intelligent lady. So I’m sure your successor will be just as worthy as you.”

“Thank you. The Hattusilite dynasty will not let you down!”

“Let’s toast to that. To the Hattusilite dynasty, may it always remain as strong and wise as it is!”

“To the Hattusilite dynasty, brother!”

Present…

“I see…” the ECSS agent said.

“I’m sure you didn’t expect this,” Muwatalli said. “Now, if we were at war with the EC, I would shoot your bitch ass right here, but since we aren’t, I will not resort to such measures. I’m a more peaceful man than I once was. So instead, I will have my soldiers escort you out of my camp and my lands, so that you could return to your shadow empress and report your failure.”

“That’s an interesting suggestion, but I have a better idea,” she said as she walked closer to Muwatalli.

“What’s that, you want to fuck now perhaps? I guess that could be arranged-”

The agent took out a small blade which had been concealed as a hair pin and struck at Muwatalli’s neck. However, Muwatalli dodged in time and the blade only struck his shoulder. He quickly grabbed his gun and shot at the agent, but missed as she dodged the bullet.

“Guards!” the king shouted as he discarded the gun and now focused entirely on trying to avoid the assassin in the cramped tent.

The guards, already moving in as soon as they heard the shot, entered the tent and aimed their guns at the agent, but all of them missed as well.

“Come on, kill the fucking bitch at once!” Muwatalli shouted, having grabbed a dagger to try to hit the assassin as well, but also finding her too fast for his attacks.

As the guards were moving in to apprehend the assassin, Arqam emerged and pushed past them, throwing a dagger right at the ECSS agent. He hit her right in the throat, and she collapsed immediately right next to Muwatalli, bleeding out and dying in an instant. Muwatalli slowly stood up, kicked the corpse a couple times to make sure she was truly dead, and approached the guards and KIA agents.

“Thank you, whoever that was,” Muwatalli said.

“That would be me, your highness,” Arqam said.

“Huh, really? What’s your name?”

“Arqam Shoshan, Kemet Intelligence Agency.”

“Well, Arqam, thank you for saving my ass. That was a really nice hit.”

“Thank you.”

“And you, guards? What am I paying you for? She couldn’t have been acting alone. Go on, sweep the camp, find her accomplices!”

“Of course, my lord!” the guard commander said and left the tent to inform the army commanders, while leaving a few guards to look after Muwatalli.

“So, Egypt is saving me once again. Good to have such allies. And you are a Kushite, aren’t you Arqam?”

“Yes, I am,” Arqam replied.

“You know, we Hittites go way back with your people. It’s good that the Egyptians are finally realizing your worth and giving you important positions such as this.”

“I’ll, uh, go inform the commander of what happened,” Ithobaal said.

“You do that and bring her here, I want to speak with her as well.”

“I think your injuries should be treated in the meantime, your highness,” Mehi suggested.

“This?” Muwatalli looked at his shoulder. “It’s just a scratch, nothing to worry about.”

“It’s a bit more than that. It appears the blade had been poisoned, and so you may now be as well,” Mehi said as she examined the blade.

“Really? Fuck me. Better get my medics in here then.”

“Don’t worry, I have all the antidotes right here with me.”

“That’s great. But I’ll have my own medics examine them still. Just in case, you know. Have to be prepared for everything.”

“Of course.”

Muwatalli’s medics arrived momentarily, and after clearing Mehi’s antidote, gave it to the king. The remaining KIA agents arrived at that point as well, as the medics were cleaning and treating the cut to make sure the king remained well, and the soldiers were searching the dead agent’s body.

“Ah, commander Neitheret, come in,” Muwatalli said.

“I am glad to see you got through this attack well, your highness,” Neitheret said.

“All thanks to your agents. I’m as good as ever, with the only thing that did not survive the attack being my hope of there existing a decent Cimmerian in all these lands. Oh well, guess I’ll just have to raze another village or two in retaliation,” the king laughed.

“I am sorry we could not stop this EC agent sooner, that would have saved you some trouble.”

“Nonsense. You stopped her at exactly the right time. I probably wouldn’t have listened earlier anyways. And I got my hands on some interesting papyri, so there’s that.”

“About those-”

“Listen, I get it. I get what they mean, but the intelligence agencies seemingly overestimated their worth and so created all this fuss around them. I get what the ECSS was trying to do, and I get what you in the KIA were trying to do. But whatever the original missions were, that doesn’t matter. All that matters is that the easterners tried to take me out just a few minutes ago, and you stopped that from happening. Thank you for that. And tell your government that there is nothing to worry about. Everything’s fine. And I’m as loyal to the OFK as one can be.”

“I am very glad to hear that.”

“But I’m keeping these documents, just for fun.”

“I understand. That’s fine.”

“And make sure Arqam gets rewarded for this mission. Give him a medal or something, he deserves it. He saved my life, after all.”

“Of course, I will make sure it is done.”

“Good. So I suppose you will be leaving soon then, now that your mission is done?”

“Yes. Though we will stay for a little longer to make sure no other EC agents or other similar threats remain.”

“That would be highly appreciated, commander.”

After the talk between Muwatalli and Neitheret was concluded, the KIA agents left the tent and headed back to their part of the camp.

“So, we prevented Muwatalli’s assassination. That’s great. But I somehow suspect that wasn’t the intended purpose of this mission. What was this whole mission about, really?” Ithobaal asked as they were heading back.

“I would like to know that too,” Arqam said. “Did we even succeed in it?”

“Yeah, that’s a good question as well.”

“All will be explained in time, boys,” Neitheret said. “I will tell you once we get back home. But to answer the second question – yes, we did absolutely succeed in this mission.”