Chapter I

Year 10 of the reign of pharaoh Ramesses XI, 6th day of the second month of Peret

Amenemheb Nemtyhotep was in one of the more luxurious taverns in Men-nefer, the capital of the Commonwealth of Kemet, Kush, and Retjenu, eating his dinner and drinking some beer after another long day of work as the royal envoy of the country. The place was quite full, as it always was at this time of the night, being a favorite of many wealthy Egyptians and Phoenicians, as well as visiting foreigners. Amenemheb was on the second floor and could see dozens of people eating, drinking, talking, and going about their business all around the place, while a band was playing some new Egyptian music downstairs. Unexpectedly, he was once again approached by a waiter, who placed a glass of whiskey on his table.

“I didn’t order-” Amenemheb began.

“Your friends have ordered this for you, sir,” the waiter explained.

“Friends? What is this, yet another poorly planned attempt to poison me?” Amenemheb chuckled. “Don’t make me call my guards now to test it,” he pointed to a nearby booth with a few guards in it, in charge of the envoy’s security for the night.

“That is no way to accept a gift, is it?” Rashaken Rebusa, a high-ranking officer of the Kemet Intelligence Agency, said as he climbed up to the second floor and approached Amenemheb.

“No, I don’t think so. Do you refuse a drink when foreign kings offer you one as well?” Sutenhi Merephre, another KIA officer, concurred.

The waiter left them to attend to other guests and the KIA officers sat down across Amenemheb.

“Well, well, well, Rashaken and Sutenhi. Hello to you too,” Amenemheb said. “What brings this inseparable duo to me again?”

“We were just in the neighborhood and saw you here by chance, so thought we’d say hi,” Sutenhi smirked.

“Oh, sure. Just casually strolling through north Men-nefer, right? Come on, what is it? Did I finally fuck up badly enough to get put on the pharaoh’s blacklist and you’re here to take me to Osiris now?”

“That’s a good one, but you know we don’t do it like that,” Rashaken replied. “We’re not the ECSS. We only kill foreign officials.”

“Good point.”

“But if we’re talking for real, we came here to get some advice from you for the next big KIA mission,” Sutenhi said.

“Oh, another one of your big ones, is it? What proxy war are you trying to start this time? No, wait, don’t tell me yet. You didn’t just start funding the motherfucking Mesopotamian Freedom Front, did you? Because if you did, I’m gonna kill somebody, I swear on Ra.”

“Relax, we’re not starting any proxy wars. And we’re not funding the MFF, even we don’t want to touch that shit,” Rashaken said.

“Ah, good to see you’re drawing the line at supporting rebelling slaves… After you spent years funding a literal terrorist cell,” Amenemheb took a gulp of the whiskey.

“Hey, that wasn’t us. We weren’t involved in that operation, you know,” Sutenhi said. “Well, alright, maybe Ra here was, but I was in Mycenae helping our man Tirynthius gain the throne.”

“Listen, I’m just saying, your agency’s hijinks are all fun and games until they get discovered and then I have to pay the price. Your latest adventure in Assyria led to the biggest diplomatic crisis since the war, and almost turned into another fully fledged war between our factions.”

“But thanks to you it didn’t!” Rashaken said.

“Yeah, I covered for your sorry asses and got shit for it. I bargained for the best deal we could get and saved the country from another destructive Levantine campaign, only to have some stupid kids still in scribe school and decrepit farmers who haven’t held a sword in their life tell me that I should have manned up and accepted a declaration of war. Motherfucker, if you’re so tough go and fucking join the garrison on the Euphrates. I guarantee those dumbasses would shit their pants on the first sight of Elamite legions marching towards them,” Amenemheb took another gulp.

“You are right. We fucked up and you had to cover for us, and you did the best that could be done. And fuck those armchair generals who criticize you. What the fuck do those farmers know, they should stay in their lane.”

“They are just jealous of the amount of dough you bring back home, that’s all, they’re mad they can’t hustle as well as we do,” Sutenhi added.

“That’s true, that’s true. Stupid fucking peasants. So anyways, what’s up, what mission are you planning now?”

“Right, so about that. Normally we wouldn’t talk too much about any of them, but this one concerns Muwatalli himself, so we thought we would consult you, as you know him best out of anyone in the Commonwealth, save maybe for the pharaoh,” Rashaken said.

“Muwatalli, huh? Well, what about him?”

“We have reports saying that he is about to begin a massive punitive campaign in the north, in Europe, all around the Euxine Sea. And the agency has been tasked with overseeing this and reporting everything back to the court.”

“Hasn’t he been campaigning there for years now?”

“Those were just small raids to prevent the Cimmerians from reorganizing and attacking Hatti again. This time it looks like a more serious campaign, possibly one of subjugation rather than simple pillaging.”

“Can you blame him? Those barbarians did some serious damage in his capital during the war, and Muwatalli is not one who can let go of a grudge.”

“So you think he may spend some time there, right?”

“Absolutely. He’s a young Hittite king, what do you think he wants to do?”

“Fuck every courtesan north of the Orontes?” Sutenhi laughed.

“Yes, of course. But, more importantly, have a massive military campaign to solidify his rule. So yeah, he will spend a while in Cimmeria. Muwatalli is going to go all out and crush anyone and everyone who even thinks about wielding a weapon in that peninsula, and possibly even far to the north of it. He wouldn’t set out for some small gains, if he’s sailing out, he probably seeks to double the size of his realm.”

“Is that so?”

A few months earlier…

Muwatalli III, the king of the Hittites, approached the burning fortress near Adaniyya, in the region of Kizzuwatna, with his force of about ten thousand trained soldiers. The ruined fortification had been the last anti-Muwatalli holdout in the country, and it now had finally fallen as well.

Most other holdouts after the Hittite Civil War, which ended five years ago, surrendered or were overrun rather quickly, as they were small and lightly defended. Kizzuwatna, however, was a different deal. The region had been highly separatist for a long time, ever since the Kingdom of Kizzuwatna was conquered by the Kingdom of Hatti centuries prior, and while the people there were also technically Hittites, they had a strong regional identity and were often willing to fight for it, helped partially by Kizzuwatna being surrounded by mountains. Thus, as the Hittite Civil War came to an end, the Kizzuwatnan separatists saw an opportunity and joined forces with the usurper Hakkarpili’s remaining supporters in the region to fight Muwatalli, who was now once again the leader of the country.

However, even this uneasy alliance was not enough to stop Muwatalli’s advance. The king had little interest in diplomacy, especially when concerning his own realm, and marched into Kizzuwatna with his soldiers, who had received experience during the civil war, with the intention of reuniting his country with no concessions to the separatists, now branded as traitors as they had allied with the usurper’s supporters. The campaign resulted in casualties on both sides, yet they were much higher on the separatists’ side. The separatists received some secret support from the Eastern Coalition, but the EC never intended for the rebels to win and only wanted to keep Muwatalli busy and his forces exhausted – which helped make the EC’s position stronger and their threats more credible during the Assyrian diplomatic crisis a year prior – while Muwatalli had the full support of the Hittite army behind him, plus some reinforcements from the Commonwealth. And so, one by one, Kizzuwatnan cities and fortresses fell, though some resisted until the very end, believing that even if they surrendered, Muwatalli would still have them executed.

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Adaniyya was the last major town to fall, though the mountain fortress nearby was still standing and so Muwatalli now focused on retaking it as well. It was well stocked and heavily guarded, yet once the EC completely cut its ties with the separatists and news of other holdouts falling reached it, the morale started declining quickly. Muwatalli also had the advantage of having newer technologies, such as guns and various explosives, which helped break the defenses of the fortress. And after about half a year, the defenses finally collapsed and Muwatalli’s forces entered the holdout.

As was expected, Muwatalli showed no mercy. He wanted revenge, not so much for this campaign, as it was still relatively easy, more so for the civil war which cost him the lives of many followers, friends, and family members, and so he wanted to make everyone who had supported Hakkarpili to pay. The thousand exhausted defenders in the fortress were all hunted down and executed by various methods – some were beheaded, others were impaled on spears, others shot, and some even thrown down the kilometer high mountain. There was no easy entrance to the fortress, but that meant no easy exit either, and so no one managed to escape Muwatalli’s wrath. The buildings in the complex were all looted of their remaining valuables and then burned down or otherwise destroyed, so that no separatists could use this base again.

Finally, once everyone else had been killed, Muwatalli approached Talakka, the leader of this garrison and the insurrection as a whole, having wanted him to witness the destruction of his last stronghold. Muwatalli slowly made his way over the snowy path, littered with bodies and discarded weapons, and stopped right before the kneeling insurrectionist, beaten physically as much as psychologically.

“You must be regretting your life decisions now, isn’t that right?” Muwatalli said as he walked around Talakka, held in place by two soldiers. “Thinking about how you should have just let me through those damn gates before any of this even started. What was it, six, seven years ago? Time flies. Did you really think your little band of usurpers would be able to keep me from regaining the throne?”

“Heh, well, what the fuck do I know?” Talakka coughed some blood. “Back then the situation looked quite different. You were just a spoiled irrational teenager, and your opponent was a man who had been the king’s right-hand man for decades, supported by the greatest conqueror of these last few centuries. It was an easy choice all those years ago.”

“And look where both of them are now. Appearances can deceive.”

“Guess so. You know, I’m not even mad. You won, so I had to try something to stave off my death. But it’s not personal. I respect you, actually, you accomplished something most of us here never thought you would be able to do. We were on opposite sides for all this time, but I can respect a good warrior, no matter which side he is fighting on.”

“That’s great, but you’re still going to die.”

“Oh, I know that. That’s fine by me.”

“Good. Well, not to say that I don’t enjoy when my enemies whimper and beg for mercy, only for me to still execute them, but I suppose a man who accepts his death solemnly is a nice change.”

“That’s the Hittite way. I’m ready for the journey to the underworld.”

“I don’t think that will be possible for you,” Muwatalli motioned for the soldiers to pin Talakka to the ground so that he could be beheaded.

“I’ll leave that up to the gods. You have fun here with the mortals, your highness.”

Muwatalli pulled out his sword and cut Talakka’s head off.

He turned around to see most of his men standing before him and awaiting some proclamation or new orders.

“At long last, we did it. We took all of Hatti back!” Muwatalli addressed them. “The civil war is now truly over, and there is no one standing against us! Let it be known, usurpers, separatists, insurrectionists – none of them will be tolerated under my rule, as I’m sure I made clear already,” he motioned to the beheaded commander behind him. “The gods are now content, and I’m glad to have executed their will. Of course, I could not have done that without you, my most loyal soldiers. You deserve credit too, of course, and this victory belongs to all of us!”

The soldiers cheered for Muwatalli and raised their swords in support.

“However, there still remain groups who had been in league with Hakkarpili but haven’t paid the price for that yet,” Muwatalli continued. “The responsible Hittites have been dealt with, but what about the barbarians? We killed some of them, sure, we even raided their lands a few times. But they still have a safe place to retreat to, far to the north, from where they have been operating for centuries and making our lives harder. I, for one, had enough of this. Should they be able to remain there, unpunished and safe from our wrath?”

“No!” the soldiers shouted.

“No, no, they shouldn’t! And I will make sure they won’t. The savage Cimmerians will be crushed once and for all. Next year I will begin a campaign to destroy their puny chiefdoms and you are all very welcome to join. You did fight alongside me for a while now, so you can go home, or you can stay and guard our borders, but if you want some more real action, this is your opportunity of the lifetime, as it will be a campaign not seen since the days of Suppiluliuma I. Who is with me?”

All the soldiers raised their swords again and cheered in support of this plan.

“I thought so. It is time to teach the Cimmerians a lesson and show them the true meaning of fear, so that they would never again dare disrespect us Hittites!”

Present…

“Yeah, yeah, I think it is so,” Amenemheb replied.

“I’ll trust you on that,” Rashaken said.

“So what will you be doing there anyways?”

“Like I said, observing Muwatalli. You know, recording his campaign, reporting everything back to the headquarters in Khemenu and the court here.”

“Oh sure, and I go to brothels only to look at the women there. You’re not telling me the full story.”

“That’s because we can’t tell you the full story,” Sutenhi said. “As always, it’s only for the KIA’s and pharaoh’s eyes. You already heard more than one should.”

“Fine, keep your secrets.”

“We just thought we’d seek some advice from you on how to approach him. Maybe you got some advice?” Rashaken asked. “So, we, uh, wouldn’t fuck up as much as the last time.”

“Fair enough. Well…” Amenemheb took another gulp of his drink. “Just mind your own business there. Muwatalli has some good will towards us Egyptians, since we helped them during the civil war and all that, so don’t waste it. In general, the Hittites are more solitary people and would rather everyone would just mind their own damn business. So, don’t fuck with his matters, and you will be fine.”

“That makes sense, I suppose.”

“Just let him do his campaigns, kill those barbarians, crush some skulls, whatever. And don’t remind him of the Knossos Conventions, he would just ignore them anyways.”

“Oh, uh, well that is more problematic…”

“Ah, grow up, as if you don’t violate them on a daily basis. Besides, they apply to people, and are barbarians people?”

“I guess the correct answer here is no.”

“Indeed, when you are talking with Muwatalli. Knossos Conventions apply in warfare between civilized countries, but when dealing with barbarians anything is fair game. Not like they have any qualms about using everything in their power to fuck over the settled states. I’m not saying you should commit war crimes when fighting barbarians, I’m just saying it happens and you can’t do much about it.”

“Rich coming from a Hittite,” Sutenhi laughed. “They were considered barbarians not too long ago as well.”

“Maybe, but don’t even think about bringing it up to Muwatalli.”

“Of course, I don’t have a death wish.”

“So just introduce your agents, he’ll let you stay in the camp, and then do what you want, just don’t interfere much. Respect the king, respect the soldiers, respect their gods and culture, and don’t kill any barbarians yourselves. The Hittites will want to do that themselves. While our gods may be satiated with some bread and beer, their ones want blood and bones.”

“I think you’re making that last part up,” Rashaken said.

“Maybe, I am. Maybe I’m not. Doesn’t matter, you get the point.”

“Yes, I get what you’re saying. The commander will take that into account.”

“Commander? So it’s not you going there?”

“No, we’re getting older, so we won’t be doing many field missions anymore. And besides, have to make way for some young talent.”

“I get that. So who is the commander?”

“Well, you see, that’s the other reason why we came to see you…” Sutenhi said cautiously. “The commander is, uh, Neitheret.”

“What?” Amenemheb froze for a second. “I mean, sure, why not. That’s cool.”

“We know you two have a sort of a relationship going on, so we thought we’d inform you of that.”

“Oh, sure, take my best fuckbuddy and send her off to the savage lands in the far north for a year. Really, I don’t mind.”

“Well, if you want we can-”

“I’m kidding. She’s a grown woman and she can do whatever she wants. And I’m glad that she is now a commander.”

“So you don’t mind?”

“You don’t need to ask my permission, I’m not her husband. It wouldn’t work out like that between us anyways, with both of us constantly travelling for various missions. We just have some fun whenever occasion allows it. A much better deal for the wallet and the mind, rather than the common brothel whore.”

“Right… Well, that’s great. It’s one of the safer missions now anyways, so I’m sure she will be fine, and you will be able to continue your fun.”

“Though you should still probably settle down eventually, Heb,” Rashaken said.

“Oh, don’t you worry about me. I have many offers standing right now and may take one up quite soon,” Amenemheb replied.

“That’s great. Who would that be?”

“It’s only for the pharaoh’s eyes. You already heard more than one should.”

“Alright, alright, I won’t pry.”

“Good. So, is there anything else?”

“Yes, actually. We may have a little role for you in this plan as well.”

“Really?”

“We’re meeting the pharaoh tomorrow to discuss this mission and I think you should just come to it as well,” Sutenhi said.

“Yes, the usual place, fifth hour of the day,” Rashaken said. “Join us if you’re intrigued yet.”

“I sure am now. I’ll be there,” Amenemheb confirmed.

“In that case, we’ll see you tomorrow and won’t disturb your dinner further. Good talking to you, Heb.”