"Hey hot stuff, do you wanna be inside me?" I yelled at a sea king who I was 100% sure was dumber than a chicken. "Just give me your soul, blood and life and I'll wholly accept you, I swear!"

The dumb thing roared so loudly I think my ears bled. I was currently standing on the top of a blood construct in the form of a large three-headed fish, and was trying to wrestle this bitch into the groun... err, water. It wasn't working out all that well.

Who would win? An 11-year old girl's plushie or a giant beast of the ocean that devours ship for a living?

And the answer... might suprise you! Or not. Everyone knows I always win, because that's what I do.

Except when I don't. Then I usually die.

As I kept up my stream of inner monologue, I bused myself with constantly reforming and shifting my construct around, careful to not let myself be touched by any water while also tearing into the sea king I was battling.

It was more of a grind than anything really. These kings simply lacked the intelligence necessary to really be of any threat. It's always the same thing: Lure them up to the surface, pummel them for a while until they decide to either run away, in which case I kill them, or they fight till they die. Then I drink their blood like the good quasi-vampire I became.

Fun times.

And so, after half an hour of beating the creature to death, it came down with a deadly case of dying. I will mourn for you till the end days, brother.

Just kidding, I'm an aithiest. Meeting a god isn't going to change that.

I forged several needles around me, protruding from my arms as they readily launched themselves at the dead creature that was also being eaten by my cerberus-like fish. It took me a while to get used to crafting bigger stuff than simple knives or pistols with my blood, but eh. I'm a genius so it's okay.

As I felt the sweet, sweet taste of blood flowing into me, I thought about what to do next.

I may or may not have gotten completely lost right after leaving my home. I thought I knew where I was going for a while, but then I remembered I used to be a mass-murderer, not a fucking sailor. Although I like to think I'm as good as one when it comes to swears.

Thus, like the intelligent and wise 10-year old I was, I went on an adventure which consisted of sea king genocide and occasionally spooking some random boat passing by. I might have dragged one or two down to the depths of the ocean.

That sure was a lot of fun. Their worldly contributions and willing monetary donations will aid my holy cause greatly.

Just kidding. They were poor as fuck.

And that was all good and dandy for some time. However, that was back when I needed blood more than anything else. And while I would have loved to raze several cities to the ground and murder everyone inside... It was quicker to kill the ten-story big sea kings. Hey, I ain't racist. I accept all kinds of blood within me.

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Except green blood. That's just gross.

But... I want more. I lacked power beforehand, but now I have it. While I seriously doubt that I have conqueror's haki, I do have the other two haki now. And that's all that matters.

It wasn't easy getting them. It involved a lot of punching myself or hurting myself in some way, but as a professional masosadist, I would be ashamed of myself if I couldn't handle a bit of pain.

Now... While I did tell my dearly loved and respected grandfather that I wouldn't be a pirate... Well, I'm a pathological liar. If I'm not lying then I'm likely murdering you, so he can go shove his big first up his braindead ass.

And now I have images of him naked. Puberty, begone you foul beast, you're 3 years too early.

I groaned and ran a hand over my eyes, poking them quite hard in the process. The good thing about my new hot and kinky devil fruit is that I can hurt myself severely and, as long as it doesn't involve haki, not have to worry about healing! It's great.

But do you know what would my greater, my dear imaginary listener??

Murdering people.

How to do that?

Be a pirate. Everyone loves pirates, so why not become one for the fun of it.

Well, that's just my wishful thinking. In reality, my plans would be to somehow become a warlord, make some sweet sweet money, build myself an empire while overthrowing the world government, and rule with a steel fist, because iron just isn't hard enough.

Although I do know what I would want really hard...

... Puberty, begone.

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Finding a ship wasn't very hard. After all, thanks to my Fish Ship, which had gone through several reworks through the year and ended up looking like a very fat tuna.

It wasn't even a very fancy ship. It was a small merchant ship, and if my blood-sense stood correct, with only around two dozen people on it, twenty of which likely passangers.

And since I was too lazy to find a better ship, I did the honorable thing and boarded it. Using big, bloody tentacles to stop the ship and then creating a few dozen large snake-like heads to spawn our of my own Fish Ship, and having them surround my soon-to-be new and actual ship.

And, with dramatics that my grandpa would be proud of, I rose out of one of the heads as I loomed above the stunned and paniching commoners below.

"Hello! I'm Laura and I'm here to either kill you all or subject you to my benevolent and lovely rule!" I screamed. They didn't hear me over the sound of their own screams, prayers and general chaos.

That just wouldn't do.

I had my snake heads launch themselves at them and grab all of them in their mouths. One accidentally got swallowed because he tried struggling a bit too much... but, oh well, nobody will miss him.

Raising them all in front of me, I glared at the 25 people remaining. I had to use my blood to block them from screaming, which was a bit annoying. Although, some of them did seem to have given up on life judging by the looks in their sweet little innocent eyes.

"Let's try that again. Hi! I'm Laura, and I'm here to brutally and painfully rip you all apart!" I said with a happy tone. It wasn't actually all that happy because I was lying, but hey ho, they don't need to know that.

Oh wait, they do. Shit. Now they're all trying to wiggle their way outta my lovely snakes.

"Wait, wait! I was just kidding. Stop screaming and listen like civilized people, alright?" I yelled at them. When they finally stopped their pathetic struggle against the awesomeness (me), I released their mouths. They sucked in deep lungfuls of air when I did. One even looked unconscious, but a little squeeze got him out of that.

"Fucking bitch, the world govenrm-- MMPH" Aaaand that one just forfeited life. A gulp and he was gone. Fun stuff.

"Alright, anyone else feeling like calling me unpleasant things?" No answer. "Perfect! Now, let's get to work. You're all my bitches, so, I'm going to... experiment something neat on you. Don't worry, I'm 99.99% sure it will do no harm at all."

Hehehe... They don't know I'm a pathological liar!